Attachment Parenting

Were you & DH always in agreement?

Im just wondering if everyones DH was on board with AP? Im a FTM and I had no idea what AP even was but I just did what I thought felt best. The issue is that DH is a SAHD and so he is with our DD most of the time. He is a great dad BUT we dont agree on AP. He grew up with a mom that always yelled and flew off the handle and an absentee/strict Dad. Now, I feel, that he is too ridgid on some things whereas he thinks i let DD walk all over me.

I hate to say it but these are the times that I wish I was able to parent alone or at least be at home to be the primary parent. Its not possible though. Does anyone have any advice on how to work thru this?

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Re: Were you & DH always in agreement?

  • Nope, but I do 90% of the parenting so he can't really argue with me on things. After a few months DH has just leaned to go with the flow. 

    Good luck with your DH. 
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  • We have disputes about it all the time, mostly because his mother is very pro- CIO, and thinks the best way to deal with tantrums is to totally ignore them (among other things). So he has picked up a lot of her way of doing things, whereas I was raised much more closely to AP-style. He has come to terms with cosleeping and is supportive of BF'ing, just shakes his head at my babywearing, but he is constantly telling me that I am letting the kids walk all over me. I wish I could get him to read Dr Sears, but ever since that ridiculous Time magazine cover he thinks AP is a joke. So I'd love to hear others' suggestions too!
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  • Compromise, Dh and I both had to compromise so although it was hard because as a mom you feel you know your child best Dh is her dad and deserves his opinions and feelings to be respected too. 

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  • He knows why I make the decisions I do and trusts me to run any major things by him for discussion. Our relationship has to work this way since he's currently deployed and isn't apart of our day to day.
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  • My DH met me when my daughter was 4 still bf, carried, sleeping with me. They did not meet officially until I knew he was who I wanted to be with, though she knew him distantly as a friend. He was aware from the start that I AP and while he grew up with spanking, etc, he has been very supportive spoke with his family that my daughter does not get treated the way the other kids do. Now that we are expecting a child, one if the first things he told his mom is that we don't need a baby room as we're cosleeping. He was not so into this 5 years ago and we had a lot of talks about why I do what I do. He has had to see that what I do works, though it is more evident with a ten year old who is a great kid than it was when she was a high need youngster. He also saw how I handle his neice and nephews very differently than their parents do they respond positively to me. He has had to deal with his feelings that he HAD to get physically punished shamed as a child. That's not easy. His parents are great, they just only knew the one accepted way to raise kids that's what they did.

    With my daughter's father the story was different and probably far beyond what you are asking. He was ok with AP but only so long as I did what I was told otherwise. My daughter has remarked that she finds his parenting style very different she feels.devalued like she has to do what he says or she gets in trouble during supervised visits.
  • We agree on 95% of all our parenting decisions, including the AP-style ones.  The ones we don't agree on, we discuss to see what the most reasonable option is, or if there's an in-between.  For instance, for a while my husband felt that at some point we'd need to do CIO (I think this was on an especially bad night) and I'm fairly anti-CIO.  But we decided that since I was the one getting up, I could make the call.  (and FWIW, I was right on that.  My guy stopped night wakings on his own.  Being right a lot definitely helps my cause Wink)
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  • DH and I both grew up in an AP type household, so we agree on it for the most part. HE was the one that mentioned co sleeping when ds was 2 months old and having problems sleeping alone. The only thing he's hesitant on, is extended bfing. He's never said anything bad about it, he just doesn't understand it. Thankfully we're not there yet.
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  • DH and I have never actually discussed AP. We just do what makes sense to us, and it turned out AP is our style. DH is a SAHD also and is doing a great job. We are only 3 months in, so once LO gets older, I think we'll start to see if we have any differences in how we parent.

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  • It seems as though its easier when mom's do most of the parenting...Thats exactly what I said to him today. That I wished our roles were reversed because I would be a lot less stressed. He didnt get it. Mainly because like PP's said he didnt grow up AP and he is just repeating what he knows. I told him I am not ok with that and he has promised to be more conscious but I dont see it. I wasnt raised AP either. Definitely not. But the way my mom treated me scarred me forever....I am ALWAYS conscious of my behavior for fear of repeating things.

    Our biggest issue right now is the bedsharing. He never wanted that but he accepted it for the most part. We just bought DD her own bed and I wanted her to have a queen size. Mainly so I can still sleep with her. We compromised with a daybed with a trundle. Idk i just feel like im being torn in two directions. Like I dont want to constantly fight with him but I feel like im starting to resent him for pushing me to be different with DD. It sucks.  

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  • So far, DH has let me take the lead on parenting. I come from a big family and have been around tons of kids whereas he has had minimal experience. He has been pretty accepting of AP other than a few nights he has wanted her to fuss for a bit before we responded. We have compromised on a few things but since my job revolves around parenting education, he trusts my judgements the majority of the time.
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  • We've had our disagreements but I do 90% of the parenting and so far things are working.

    Plus when I've explained the reasoning behind how I think we should approach things he hasn't been able to argue with it.

    I think if he was dealing with the night wakings of an 12mth old still nursing in the night then he'd feel differently, but as I deal with it and all seems well then he's happy.

    In terms of approaching your hubby, how does he digest info the best? Would he read a book? A website? Does he like diagrams or videos? Maybe try and find some info in a format that appeals to him that he can digest in his own time.

    Maybe look at what the biggest issues are for you/most important things to deal with and come to an agreement on those things.

    Also maybe it's ok that you parent in slightly different ways if the core values/bottom lines are the same?

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  • With our wonky work schedules, H is home a lot with LO so I'd say our parenting time is pretty evenly split.

    We have a few "ground rules" like no hitting/spanking. And for the most part we agree on general principles. We have little issues, like H would love if LO had less toys and I think it's a fine amount (lol!).  We also agree that if one parent says x, the other backs him/her up. So if I say no more cookies, H doesn't let LO have another cookie.

    I think if you have different techniques, it's fine. No one is going to parent the exact same as you, and that's ok. IMO something like bedsharing is great, if the participants are all in agreement. But if Mom or Dad is unhappy, or LO is sleeping like crap, then it's time to try something else. 

    I have some non-negotiable issues, and I have some things I'm flexible on, same with H. We talk about what we both want and come up with a plan on how to deal with things. If your H is home, and doing all the parenting, you will have to let him do things his way. Provided he's being a loving, attentive parent, it's ok if you do things differently.



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  • Maybe take a parenting class together. You can approach the idea in conversation as if you want to brush up on your own skills, but just don't want to go alone... This is how I broached the subject with my SO and he agreed to come with me. He need not know I was terrified by his total lack of parenting skills and really need him to learn a few things before LO arrives! Haha.

    No matter how much you might get him into AP he still will always have his own style of doing things. Infuriating sometimes, but as long as he's not harming the kids, meh. 

  • imagehappywife2b:

    Maybe take a parenting class together. You can approach the idea in conversation as if you want to brush up on your own skills, but just don't want to go alone... This is how I broached the subject with my SO and he agreed to come with me. He need not know I was terrified by his total lack of parenting skills and really need him to learn a few things before LO arrives! Haha.

    No matter how much you might get him into AP he still will always have his own style of doing things. Infuriating sometimes, but as long as he's not harming the kids, meh. 

    This is what Im leaning towards. It will be like pulling teeth at this point just because he knows it will be because I feel he needs it. But I will try my best. thanks!

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  • We agree on almost everything.

    Sometimes I think DH is a better parent. He seems a lot more careful than me when my LO is more opt to fall over and get a bump with me. My parents were SOOOO laid back, so perhaps it's rubbed off on me. He's also actually way more AP than I am. We have a family bed, but LO starts out in her crib. He's always pretty eager to go and get her in order to bring her in to our bed, while I like my space. He was a huge promoter of breastfeeding and baby wearing. I suppose it's easy to promote that when you are not the one doing it.

    Overall, I appreciate that he's on the same page as I am. When my patience is wearing thin he reminds me about why we set out on the AP path. He's a good man. 

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  • I SAH so I naturally took the lead on a lot of parenting. I have degrees in child development, continue to research child development and am the one who reads the parenting books. DH is admittedly too lazy to do any of the above and agrees to just take my lead. 

    Ultimately, having grown up in not the healthiest of homes (also with a mom who yelled, among other things) he gravitates way to the opposite end of the spectrum. There's a lot about his childhood that he looks back on in a negative light and he doesn't want the same for DD. Some days he's more of a pushover than anything else.  

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  • How would you ladies deal with DH and yourself having different views on discipline? So far my DH had been supportive with BF and bedsharing but we have a differing opinion on discipline (ie spanking). I did not plan to AP and do not do all aspects, but this is just what feels right to me. 
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  • imageRosebud2587:
    Nope, but I do 90% of the parenting so he can't really argue with me on things. After a few months DH has just leaned to go with the flow. 

    Good luck with your DH. 

    This is what it is with us.

    I've been wanting to tandem nurse (if I get pregnant soon, and if both babies will let me), and my husband thinks it's weird. I've also wanted to let DS nurse for as long as he wants (and let him wean himself) and my DH thinks he needs to be weaned completely by a year. There are several more issues we disagree on.

    I feel that because he is hardly home, he really sort of has no say in what I do. Nothing I am doing (or not doing) is hurting Joey, so MH will just eventually get it. I'm doing what I feel is the best for my baby and family, and that is what makes it best for me. I think MH and I are going to have a discussion about a lot of the issues tonight when he gets home though. I'd like to know his exact opinions, and then tell him what will most likely be done, since I know what works for me and Joey.

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  • imageRosebud2587:
    Nope, but I do 90% of the parenting so he can't really argue with me on things. After a few months DH has just leaned to go with the flow. 

    Good luck with your DH. 

    This was/is us too

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  • Before we had DD we discussed some parenting issues, his initial feelings were not very AP, though I told him he was"wrong" and why, and won him over. He was a SAHD for a few months, though not anymore. Lucky for me he lets me lead the way, but I do all the reading and research, so he trusts me.
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