Blended Families

DH wants SS to come live with us

Currently we have summer and holiday visitation. The CO was established in between DHs back to back deployments and it seemed to be in the best interest of SS to establish it this way. Any time DH has leave and goes to where SS lives BM grants visits outside of what is written.

SS is 9. He has been expressing a lot lately that he wants to move in with DH. He isnt saying it out of anger towards his BM or bc DH is promting him. He always brings it up to DH first. DH asks why he wants to move and other than saying he misses his dad he says that he is bored at home and knows there are other things to see in the world. He lives on Guam and every time he comes to visit us he does more than just the regular "go to the beach." I'm not saying we are Disneyland parents, but I am saying there is more opportunity in our area than there is on island.

DH wants to bring up SS coming to us for a school year to see how it works out. Now is PERFECT bc DH and I are both in non deployable units. We arent going anywhere. I know that will be one of her concerns.

How do you think DH should bring this topic up to BM? He isnt going to surprise her and drop court documents on her or anything like that. Right now he just wants to have a conversation with her. I dont want to be a part of it bc I feel as if it is something they should decide together as his parents. I support my husband in what he wants, but I also know that BM has expressed when I talk to her about SS she feels I overstep my boundaries as a SM so I am backing off.

If you read this far, THANKS!

BFP #1 11/07/2012 EDD 07/09/2013 M/C 11/22/2012

BFP #2 02/05/2013 EDD 09/19/2013 Arrived via c-section 09/27/2013

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Re: DH wants SS to come live with us

  • Talk to a lawyer first. 
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  • Talking to a lawyer is definitely on the to do list but we wanted to talk to her first. That way the feat time she hears about it isn't through being served with papers

    BFP #1 11/07/2012 EDD 07/09/2013 M/C 11/22/2012

    BFP #2 02/05/2013 EDD 09/19/2013 Arrived via c-section 09/27/2013

    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

    image 

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  • I'm leery of children saying who they want to live with, especially at this young of an age.  I'm not saying that SS doesn't love his dad or doesn't miss his dad.  But he's going to miss his mom if he were to move, and then what?  Let him move back?  That's incredibly disruptive, especially given the distance involved.  Normally I would say slowly increase the visits with Dad so that SS isn't shocked with a sudden change, but that really isn't feasible in your situation. 

    I really don't like the idea of trying it for a school year to see how it goes. If it doesn't work then he goes back?  Now he's switching schools twice in 2 years.  Different States and different Countries have varying guidelines for each grade level.  You might find that SS is either behind or ahead if he comes to live with you.  What happens if things don't work out and he's sent back to the other school?  He has to readjust all over again.  That's a lot of change for a child to go through in 2 years.

    I think if a change in custody happens, it needs to be permanent.  Going back and forth can't be tolerated.  Definitely talk to a lawyer and then talk to BM.  Unfortunately if BM doesn't agree to let SS move, you're going to have a really hard time showing why a change of custody is in SS' best interests.

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  • imagepiffle42:
    imageHiS ChAmAoLe GiRL:
    Talking to a lawyer is definitely on the to do list but we wanted to talk to her first. That way the feat time she hears about it isn't through being served with papers
    I would talk to your lawyer first. Just talking to your lawyer doesn't mean BM needs to know about it or be served, but you would get a good idea of what the options are and your chances of success, especially if BM fights it. Personally I think kids that age should at least be heard. Does he see a therapist that could talk to him about why he wants to move?
    No, SS doesnt see a therapist. We had thought of enrolling him during our summer visitation to strengthen DH and his relationship, but even then we would need BM permission. I dont see that happening tho.

    BFP #1 11/07/2012 EDD 07/09/2013 M/C 11/22/2012

    BFP #2 02/05/2013 EDD 09/19/2013 Arrived via c-section 09/27/2013

    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

    image 

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