Naming a guardian - advice please (long)

duffmaker

I think this is a question more directed to mom's who have had a hard time/longer time conceiving or ones who have someone close to them that was TTTC, because it concerns my TTTC cousin who I've mentioned in the past.

We have not named a guardian/done a will yet, but we plan to this summer. When discussing possible guardians for M last winter, we decided on my cousin and her husband. We chose them for several reasons and were going to ask them last Christmas but they never ended up coming home like we had expected (they live OOS)... so I didn't have the chance and they have only been up and seen us once since but it was at a BBQ and we didn't feel comfortable asking them there. (our original plan was to take them out to dinner and ask them there)

Fast forward to late summer/early fall. We had begun charting for TTC, and just a few weeks before our official first try at TTC (and conceived LO) my cousin announced that they had been TTC for 18months. I felt horrible, just overall guilty about being pregnant and so easily... for the second time in 2 years and having had no idea what they had been going through. So it's been around 2 years now that they have been TTTC and she's undergone treatments and surgeries and here's the thing... we still want to name them as guardians to our kids. How do we do that? I feel like it might be taken as an insult, like a "You can't have your own kids, but you can have ours. If we die." type of thing. I had no reservations about asking them before I knew about the TTTC, just like I had no problem telling her about our pregnancy with M before anyone else in our families... but now... I just don't know what to do.

I could really use some guidance, TTTC and the feelings it must bring are completely unfamiliar to me. My cousin is the only person I know IRL who has had to deal with it. We used to talk regularly but we haven't pretty much since a month or two after M was born... so we're borderline strangers now. Not to mention the fact that I swear my aunt is pissed at us for getting pregnant again, she was all over M acting like a grandma to her for months, calling regularly, visiting regularly... then nothing and when I told her about this pregnancy she said "I just don't know about you guys" and hasn't spoken to me since.

We want them to be her guardians, if they would accept and last Christmas I felt and my aunt told me how much that would mean to my cousin and how they would most definitely be thrilled to be asked. There would be 2 back ups, so if something happens to us and they have 3 kids already, can't do it financially or just plain don't feel up to it... they can decline easily and guardianship would pass to the next in line. (My cousin is really the top top top option for us, the back ups really being the last resorts of our family and friends)

I'm sorry this turned out so long, it's something that has been weighing on my mind a lot the past several months and we're at the point where DH and I just don't know what to do or who to ask for advice.

Corleyrae

Our "first choice" is a couple who didn't have TTC but is now PGAL. I however had TTC and they are 100% aware of these issues. We will approach them with the idea of financial stability and similar values.

I'm sure I was of little help, but hopefully someone else can speak up!

KellenHi21

I wish I had good advice for you but all I can say is that if you approach her correctly, with empathy, when you ask her and let her have real emotions I'm sure in the end she would be honored. You just have to make sure to provide a safe space to talk to her about it in a very real way and be open to her sharing her true feelings about her situation. good luck!!