my sister is PISSED that I got pregnant. OK first off I didn't do it on purpose. She's throwing it in my face. "I should be the one that's pregnant because I actally HAVE a husband and a means to support a baby" i wrote something as a joke about how i hate the first trimester and she jumped all my down my throat all over it...she said i had NO right to "complain" about being pregnant at all and that the baby didnt need to hear "negativity" (um...my baby can't even hear yet) she wrote that she was tired of listening to pregnant women "bitching" about being pregnant. And when a pregnant friend tried to stand up for me on the subject she said she was "*** tired of people telling her she didn't know what pregnancy was like because she's never been pregnant" She's my sister and I love her to death but her anger and her jealousy is out of control! I don't want to start any arguments but she's ready to start them. I really don't know what to say to her. I know nothing will make it any better...I love her and don't want to argue or hurt her feelings but at the same time I'm angy because she's not supporting me and i REALLY thought she would...she's stressing me out and making me cry and that's not good for my baby eiher. It's not good on my already crazy hormones. I'm at wits end I don't kno what to do...
Liliana Seraphina born 9/5/2103
Re: my sister and her jealousy
has she been TTC for a while? that's the only thing I can think of to cause it. I know that if my sister got pregnant before me, after I started trying I'd probably have some of that anger (she's not married, I am). which if that is the cause, she might be a little hurt right now and lashing out.
I would SOOO tell my Mom because I know my Mom deals better with my sister than I do, and could get a better explanation and possibly explain to my sis how I'm feeling too. (not sure how your parents are.)
we don't know for SURE the sister was trying to get pregnant. I just figured it was a likely scenario
I was NOT complaing directly to her i wrote a little joke about it on facebook, and she saw it and flew off the handle. and i had NO idea she was trying to get pregnant..she never told me about that until after she found out i was pregnant...
Then for sure, now that you know, block her (and any other profiles she has access to like her husbands) from seeing any new posts about it. TTC puts a lot of emotional strain on people. I hope she does come around to being happy.
Its always hard to be sensitive when people don't share things, but TTC is also something really hard to share. I was embarrassed to tell anyone but my very best friend...
Hopefully you do have other people to support you as well, and try to keep in mind that TTC SUCKS.
and we're always here for your ranting about the annoyances of pregnancy lol
this sounds exactly like my bf's sister in law. i can tell she's not happy about us having a baby. she's the married one and blah blah blah. i can tell she doesn't it like it when my bf's mom gets all excited and stuff, because this is my bf's mom's FIRST grandchild.
but i just keep to myself. if my bf's sister in law doesn't wanna be apart of the baby and get all ticked off then thats her. i could care less to be honest.
im sorry you feel that way and i bet it hurts cause my own blood sister doesn't want ANYTHING to do with me and the baby at all and it does make me sad, but my boyfriend tells me that i have my own things to deal with and we have a family now.
i hope things get better for you (:
With Facebook you can block certain people from seeing your wall posts without actually having to physically remove them from your friends list (you can find this to the left of the post button). I think if you removed her all together that might put a strain on your already strained relationship.
lol, to clarify that is what I meant.
sorry it wasn't more clear.
From the sound of your post, you have never TTC. Since it seems like you are really clueless about the feelings of those women, I think you need a little education.
Who knows how long your sister has been TTC. If it has been a very long time, she is likely having a rough adjustment to finding out you are pregnant out of the blue. It took me over 2 years to have my first baby and toward the end of that process I was very sensitive to any pregnancy announcement. And women who were moaning publicly about their pregnancy ailments were especially hurtful.
Your sister needs to cool her jets. But you need to be more sensitive too. She might not be the person who supports you the way you want them to. It is likely that once she has some time to process the situation that she will come around. But it is also likely that she will never want to hear about your m/s, aches and pains, and weight gain. When you desperately want to be pregnant, having pregnant women complain about their condition is very hard.
I know people are talking about FB blocking mechanisms and things like that. My advice is to leave it off of FB all together. There is nothing more obnoxious than a pregnant person complaining all day. But it can also be hurtful to people (infertility, people who have experienced losses, etc). After dealing with IF and loss I am very vague on FB about my pregnancies. I didn't announce either one of them until closer to 20 weeks. And even though both were high risk and difficult, I never complained to the masses about it. My high school friends really don't want to hear about my swollen ankles. I doubt yours want to hear about your nausea. Text a friend if you want to ***.
Married 6/28/03
Kate ~ 7/3/09 *** Connor ~ 11/11/10
4 miscarriages: 2007, 2009, 2013, 2014
*~*~*~*~*
No more TTC for us. We are done, and at peace, as a family of 4.
"Suffering has been stronger than all other teaching, and has taught me to understand what your heart used to be. I have been bent and broken, but – I hope – into a better shape.” — Charles Dickens
I can understand, but obviously she is not in a good place to be able to do that. I am sorry she is lashing out at you but TTC (if she is having issues) can be difficult if you see others getting pregnant much faster. And, nothing personal, but I think it would sting more for me in that situation if i was married and that other person was not... especially if it was a surprise/not planned.
I agree. Please limit where you complain to this board, your mom, and your hubby. You never know who is struggling or who just had a loss or has been told by a doctor she can't carry a pregnancy due to a serious health issue. I hope it gets better between you and your sister.
Our little lightbulb is on the way!
12 weeks 3 days
TTC since Oct 2011
Me: 33, hypothyroidism since 14, cleared all HSG, US, Pre-pregnancy panel tests.
Hubby: 36, testicular Ca, chemo April-May 2012.
Natural cycle IUI #1 with trigger and Progesterone Suppositories (Jun 2012) Neg
Natural Cycle IUI #2 with trigger and Progesterone Suppositories (Jul 2012) NEG
Aug 2012 - break due to needing a girls' weekend in Cape Cod
Natural Cycle IUI #3 with trigger and prednisone (Sep 2012) NEGATIVE
Switched fertility clinics - forced break Oct 2012
Natural Cycle IUI #4 (Nov 2012) no trigger, no progesterone, no prednisone (Nov 2012) - Neg
1st round Clomid Cycle IUI #5 (Dec 2012) - POS
I really disagree with the general advice being given. I feel like everyone is telling the op that her sisters reaction is her fault and that women who are lucky enough to be pregnant should hide their highs and low from the rest of the world in order to avoid accidently hurting anyones feelings.
I have a very happy marriage, but I know there are people in my life that aren't married but really want to get married and I know there are people in my life with unhappy marriages. That doesn't mean I hide the good and bad of my marriage from the world. Life is full of disappointments and while fertility issues can be heartbreaking,I don't think that it transforms people into petty children that can't cope with others happiness and who can't expected to be responsible for their own reactions.
Your sisters behavior is not right. My advice is that while you should try to be sensitve to your sister, your baby also deserves to be celebrated. You are not going to be able to hide your pregnancy from your sister and you shouldn't have to. I would just let your sister know that you are sorry that she is having trouble concieving, acknowledge that it must be really hard but it's not okay for her to take it out on you and that if she ever needs your support you will be there for her. Then you need to let her know that an unplanned pregnancy is what is going on in your life and thatis hard too and you could use some support too. Then I would just keep my distance until she comes around and I wouldn't go out of my way to talk about pregnancy in front of her, but I also wouldn't go to any extremes to hide it either.
I'm not saying it's her fault and that she should hide her excitement. I'm just saying that if her sister is sensitive about the subject because she has been struggling with fertility then it makes sense that she is not jumping for joy. It sucks and most people might be able to put aside their jealousy and hurt, but some people can't do that.
You b!tch about how awful your marriage is on FB? Your H must love that.
OP was not told she couldn't celebrate her baby, and she wasn't told she couldn't complain. There is a time and place for everything, and FB is not it. Nobody wants to read about puking, how much your kid pooped today, etc. Her sister was way out of line for her first comment, but OP was whining and acting miserable on FB, no one told her to STFU for posting about how happy she was.
2 years, 2 surgeries, 2 clomid fails, 2 IUIs, 1 loss, IVF #1 - 10/25/10 = BFP!, DS is now 3.5yrs!
TTC #2 - 6/12 surgery #3, FET #1 & 1.2 = BFN, 12/2012 FET #2 = BFP! DD is 1.5 yrs!
Surprise! 12/16/14 BFP, loss #2 12/31/14
I can't wait for the "im getting a divorce" post in 5 years or so because your husbands were fed up with your disgusting chair asses from playing on the knot all day and getting fired 4-5 times for not doing any work. you guys are all winners!! ~ Laur929
I agree with this.
I'm sorry you aren't getting the support you crave, OP, but you should start a blog or personal journal to biitch. If you do choose to air your pregnancy complaints (not every part of pg is rosy glitter) on FB then make it so that she cannot read the update.
Good luck to you.
LFAF Summer 2016 Awards:
Although I was lucky enough to get pregnant pretty quickly, I understand where your sister is coming from. However, I don't think you should have to hide your excitement from her. I mean, what is she going to do when the baby comes, ignore it because she is upset that she doesn't have one? I have had many friends who have had issue TTC, and while they will freely admit if they are jealous, they are still excited for others at the same time.
I agree that having a talk with her might help the situation. And then, she can at least tell you when you have gone too far for her liking with a Facebook post or a comment. I think you just need to be open with one another. I'm sure deep down she is excited to have a baby in the family.
It sounds like your sister is really upset that her attempts to concive are not working. It is not right for her to blow up at you, but even though it is angering and not right for her, you need to try to be understanding and be there for her. When you are TTC it is really difficult to watch everyone around you get pregnant and all you want to feel is those annoying symptoms.
Just try to ignore her comments and live your life.
If you re read OP's post its said that she made one joke on FB, I think you are jumping a little hard on this. I don't think there is anything in her post that necessarily points to her being an obvious FB over sharer and honestly that's not even the point of her post. The bigger issue is what about later when it's the first time she hears the heart beat or other milestones. Is she not allowed to share that? This is her sister so how far should she take this. Should she stay way from family functions after she starts showing?
And I very carefully re read my post and it doesn't say anything in there about complaining about my husband on FB. The OP is dealing with attackes from her sister in multiple scenerios. One was an in person conversation, the other was about a joke on FB. So to be more specific on my examples... If my husband does something nice for me and I want to give him kudos on FB should I not because there may potentially be someone in my friends group with marriage problems? Or if I'm with my brother who I am close to who is divoreced and I want to talk about how my husband is driving me crazy with his snoring or some other stupid common marital complaint should I instead edit it to avoid hurting his feelings? And maybe just never talk about any aspect of my marriage ever to anyone under any circumstance just in case they may be secretely having problems.
Jumping on me for being just a tacky fb over sharer is just completely off topic as well as made up and not helpful in the objective of the OP. which is to deal with her sister. And I think it's just another example of how the general theme of this thead is to turn it around on op and tell her that she is in the wrong.
Bottom line: Take the high road.
You are blessed with a pregnancy. Your sister is obviously hurting (anger is almost entirely caused by pain). If you love your sister and are in a better place than her right now, be the bigger person and work through this in a mature manner.
Invite her to lunch or coffee and TALK about it. You are more than welcome to talk about how hurt you feel, but at the same time, listen to her. Find out what has been so hurtful and how long she has been trying. Hopefully you two can come together on this a bit.
She wasn't right to "curse you out". I know for myself that I was just very quiet about pregnancies while I was struggling. I didn't comment, I often hid those friends while they were pregnant, and just worked through my feelings. So yes, she is not setting a graceful example on how to deal with infertility or TTC issues.
That being said, the "this is my pregnancy and I'll do whatever the hell I want" attitude is also insensitive and immature. Nobody is saying not to celebrate. They are saying that now that you know this is hurting your sister, you might want to calm down a bit and talk to her about things before you do more damage.
Married 6/28/03
Kate ~ 7/3/09 *** Connor ~ 11/11/10
4 miscarriages: 2007, 2009, 2013, 2014
*~*~*~*~*
No more TTC for us. We are done, and at peace, as a family of 4.
"Suffering has been stronger than all other teaching, and has taught me to understand what your heart used to be. I have been bent and broken, but – I hope – into a better shape.” — Charles Dickens
I think your sister will probably come around. Fx!
Honestly? Maybe.
My nephew was born during my IF struggles and it was EXTREMELY painful to be around him. I hated feeling that way but it was how I felt. Period. I am a very introspective person and thought a lot about how I pretty much hated myself for not wanting to be around my nephew, but I was depressed. I was sad. I was angry at the world.
You really have no idea until you have been there. Saying that infertile women should be xy and z is not the same thing as the way they are or the way they feel. Self preservation is pretty key.
For those that care to learn a bit more: https://www.tearsandhope.com/
Married 6/28/03
Kate ~ 7/3/09 *** Connor ~ 11/11/10
4 miscarriages: 2007, 2009, 2013, 2014
*~*~*~*~*
No more TTC for us. We are done, and at peace, as a family of 4.
"Suffering has been stronger than all other teaching, and has taught me to understand what your heart used to be. I have been bent and broken, but – I hope – into a better shape.” — Charles Dickens
Right, but then don't lay expectations on infertile women about how they should act around pregnant women or newborn babies.
And nobody said that she shouldn't talk about her pregnancy. They said to be sensitive about it. And now that she is painfully aware of her sister's hurt feelings she should be more sensitive around her when talking about morning sickness or other "woe is me" kind of things. For the happy things, she just needs to make sure she doesn't expect her sister to jump up and down.
Married 6/28/03
Kate ~ 7/3/09 *** Connor ~ 11/11/10
4 miscarriages: 2007, 2009, 2013, 2014
*~*~*~*~*
No more TTC for us. We are done, and at peace, as a family of 4.
"Suffering has been stronger than all other teaching, and has taught me to understand what your heart used to be. I have been bent and broken, but – I hope – into a better shape.” — Charles Dickens
I don't think your sister has the right to get that out right angry with you. However, I can relate to her. As I was having a miscarriage my unmarried cousin texted me a picture of an ultrasound that said "our little oops" due 1/30/13. That was my exact due date. I bawled my eyes out. I threw things. I called my mom and cussed and cried for 30 minutes. But I wished her the best of luck and smiled every time she talked to me about it. I did block her posts from showing up on my newsfeed on FB, and to this day she doesn't know. That was her happy time. I just want you to know how your sister may be feeling. It was one of the worst things that has ever happened to me and the pain of seeing someone else's happiness unfortunately does make it more painful.
Says the nineTEEN year old who makes fun of a sixTEEN year old for not being educated on protection. Don't know what I'm talking about? That is because she DD.
but the thing is i was just celebrating the fact that I could hear the heartbeat with the Doppler and she jumped all over my throat. I was sharing something I was very happy about, something I wanted to share. and she's cursing not only me out but my pregnant women friends too who just try to stand up for me. Then I feel bad that she's acting towards ill towards them too. It just doesn't extend towards me...and that's why I think it's a serious problem. If she doesn't want anything to do with my baby, that's fine: but it deeply hurt me and make me extremely sad. And she'll be robbing my child of an amazing aunt. and obviously i think part of her anger is that right when she found out I was pregnant she tried to convince me to give my child to her...but I told her I wanted to keep my baby. Which is my right. I'll do a whole hell of a lot for her, but I don't think i should have to give up my biological child to her and not be my child's mother because she is sensitive.
Now you sound like a total dipshit who missed the point of what people here are saying. There is no point in explaining this to you any further.
Why does that make her experience on this subject invalid. You are just being nasty and not contributing anything toward the actual topic.
Her "vent" in the DD thread makes all further arguments from her invalid. Her inability to use uppercase also leads me to the conclusion that she has nothing valid to say. On anything.
Exactly what does this have to do the OP? Even if the DD thread was stupid, I don't think that following her to unrelated threads and putting her down over it is anything but nasty. She may have written a dumb post, but you are nasty and that is way worse.
OP - I think you should have added this from the start. Your sister may be closer to unhinged. You may want to avoid going places alone with her when you get close to term.
I think a general expectation of not verbally attacking people without cause is reasonable. If she wants to go home, throw something, cry, yell, vent to her mom...whatever, that is her right. But I think that no matter how upset a person is about an issue in their life, it doesn't give them a right to take it out on other people. I feel like the idea that women dealing with IF are under too much duress to be accountable for their actions is BS.