Adoption
Tell me about your hospital experience
We are headed on the final leg of our journey next week. Im terrified about the hospital. Please tell me the good bad and ugly...
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Re: Tell me about your hospital experience
I brought Bm to the hospital and brought her home. We didn't tell anyone we were adopting the hospital was known for being anti adoption and no one asked who we were. Bm wasn't emotional at all. Like I think she didn't really grieve until dd was 1. So it was a "easy" experience for all of us.
We just made sure to ask Bm what she needed/wanted, if it was ok if we were there, or could hold dd/feed her. We felt like she was ours but we were respectful of the fact that she really wasn't yet.
Good luck!!!
When our BM went into labor, that was the first time we met her face to face. We actually drove her to the hospital. I was by her side the entire time, but DH had to hang out in the waiting room until she actually had her own room. Her room was really large so lots of space for us to all sit around and get to know each other.
This particular hospital did not allow adoptive families to stay overnight or have their own room, but they had some small rooms off the nursery that we were allowed to stay in 24/7. They also had two houses around the corner that people could stay in for very cheap to get some sleep.
This hospital had a social worker that handled adoption situations so we spent some time with her, getting some of the administrative things figured out. We had gotten her name from our attorney ahead of time and actually called her a few weeks before DD's birth. Overall, it was a pretty organized, good experience.
We had two good hospital experiences.
My recommendations based on what I learned:
- Make "friends" with the charge nurse. And make sure she understands that you know your place. It seems like a few nurses wanted to remind us we were guests and not legal guardians of our babies. We knew our place... but they wanted to make sure we didn't for a second think the baby was ours until TPR was signed. It was a bit irritating since they did so w/presumption that we were trying to be territorial, etc. Make friends w/all hospital staff.
- If you are offered a room, take it but know you could be kicked out
We had a room for three of the four nights w/DD2. The last night we were asked to leave because L and D census went up and they needed the space.
- If you are offered a room, see if there's any way not to have it across or adjacent to BM. We were across the hall. In theory that sounds great but in reality it meant that anytime the baby cried, she heard it and I felt like I couldn't let the baby cry for fear of her thinking I couldn't parent. Also, when I wanted privacy, even to change, it felt like I was shutting her out since she could see me close the door.
- Keep your adoption friends (even us) handy. when things get crazy, you'll want reassurance it's normal. Our BM for DD2 said she wouldn't hold DD after birth. Well, she decided after birth not only to hold her but to care for her for the next four days during the daytime hours. It freaked me out. Even though she was resolved to her adoption plan, the change in plans scared me. I remember posting here on the nest and texting my adoption friends because only if you've walked this walk do you truly get it. My parents were confused by BMs change of plans... and I needed adoptive friends to hear me out and support me.
- Hospital social workers aren't always up to speed on adoption and that's okay
We had one that was so confused it scared me.
- Find out what discharge will look like.. For dd1 it was easy. For dd2, the hospital mandated that the birthmom and child be discharged together and she had to carry the baby outside. It was awful and she begged not to do it but hospital policy (probably based on liability) stated she had to.
Okay... I have more to say but off to a meeting at church.
We got the call from DD's birthmom's cw to tell us that she had had a little girl. She gave us a little more information and asked us to drive up to the hospital early that afternoon. (Originally DD's birthmom asked me to be in the delivery room with her, but that changed a couple weeks before DD was born. We were asked to wait at home. It was hard because of course we wanted to be there, but we understood that she just wanted her family there.)
I was given a bracelet that allowed me access to the nursery. DH had to be with me to enter the nursery. They would only give out one bracelet. (Not really a big deal to us but just something we didn't know ahead of time.) We were given a room right across from where they keep all of the babies in the nursery. We had a couple of rocking chairs in there. A social worker spoke to us and reminded us of our roles there and that whatever DD's birthmom wanted to be done would be done...meaning it wasn't our say. We of course, knew that. We also spoke with DD's birthmom's CW as well as a nurse or two and DD's doctor.
The nurse wheeled DD in in her bassinet and introduced us. She gave us some information - showed us how to feed her, how much, etc. Showed us where the diapers were.
And then they just gave us time with her - to hold her, to feed her. It was amazing and surreal!
DD's birthmom allowed us to be with her for a few hours. Then she wanted to have DD in her room and wanted us to come and see her. We visited with her for maybe 10 minutes - it was very emotional and hard for all of us. We told her how much we loved her and how beautiful DD was. We gave her a letter as well as a teddy bear...we bought one for DD, too, and took pictures of her with it as she was growing. We sent them to her birthmom. We also gave her flowers and a few things for the hospital (slipper socks, a magazine...I forget what else.) We were limited on the amount we were legally allowed to spend so we kept it very simple.
We saw DD's birthgrandma in the hallway and spoke with her. It was also a very emotional conversation.
We were not given a room at the hospital although they did have a 'hotel' you could rent rooms at. We actually stayed at a hotel nearby. We were at the hospital for about 4 hours, and then we left. Had dinner and went to the hotel. We were asked to come back the next morning. DD's birthmom was discharged before we got there. We came in, signed paperwork, and were given further instructions. Then we were able to bring DD home.
We got to the hospital and were in the delivery room for the birth. The ugly of being in the delivery room: hearing BM cry after birth saying "that's my baby girl" and "I can't give her away." I was totally unprepared for that. (This is not saying she didn't have every right to say/feel those things, I was just not ready to hear it after being invited to her birth). The good: watching DD be born!
We were given a room on the maternity unit. DD ended up going into the NICU for a few days and BM chose not to allow us to see DD (which was utterly heart wrenching, as nothing was lining up with her birth/adoption plan that we and the hospital were given). So, we were stuck on a maternity hall, in which we obviously hadn't given birth and no baby to visit. We ended up locking ourselves in the room and me crying myself to sleep at 7pm. We had a really rough night of sleep, but BM woke us at 1:30am to visit DD in the NICU.
the following day, we had to leave as they needed our room, so we checked into a hotel. We spent some time with BM and her parents. At 4pm on day two, BM terminated her rights. Our moms came to town to visit and meet DD. BM was discharged from the hospital that evening.
Day 3, we got to the hospital early to see DD. they told us DD would be released from NICU that day, so they wanted us to stay in the hospital that night. We went and checked out of the hotel, grabbed some lunch and settled in to the hospital again. BM called and staff asked if i wanted to talk with her because they could no longer give her information on DD, which i did. We spent the evening and night parenting DD.
Day 4, local friends visited us as we waited, and BM called again to check on DD. we had to wait for someone from our agency to come in order for DD to discharge, since they were legally responsible for her. Then we drove home, family greeted us and had dinner ready for us.
it was an extreme emotional roller coaster. My recommendations (and notes for our next time): take more clothes than you think for yourself (dd was full term), and bring lots of stuff to do to entertain yourself.
Yes! Our hospital sw was a nightmare! I was embarrassed to share a profession with that lady! She tried to talk BM out of adoption. After TPR was signed, she refused to talk to us. My MIL is a director of nursing at a sister hospital and called her supervisor to complain, and after we left we filed a formal grievance with the hospital. Last we heard she was no longer working L&D. I almost called the sw regulatory board on her.
Our experience was... up and down.
Our birth mother was 15 when she delivered DD. Her "parents" suck for all intensive purposes, so I was very aggressive- but not for my DH and I, but for birth mother, as she was so young and scared and her parents just sucked.
We did everything as our lawyer recommended, which bit us in the butt. BM visited the hospital 3 days prior to her induction because she was 15 and had never been in a hospital, at that point she met the L/D nursing director- who took it upon herself to assign her to BM's induction as well as make L/D a nightmare.
BM had a hospital plan, and had signed medical consents for herself and DD for DH and I. I brought copies of all of this (I recommend doing so- even though our lawyers sent this info, they "lost it", they also "lost 2 of the three copies I brought- I think they thought I'd eventually run out of copies for them so they wouldn't have to give us the info). The nursing director voided all of this (not because BM wanted her too, but because she took it upon herself)
I ended up having to call our lawyers, social worker, and the hospital social worker finally came up and "put her in her place" From that point on, about 5 hours into an 8 hour labor, it went smoother.
The Nursery nurses were hit or miss. Our overnight nurse was amazing- I had a band, DH didn't. I was trying to help care for BM during her hospital stay since again her parents sucked. The day nurses would watch me leave the room and immediately come in and take DD from my husband because he didn't have a band (there are only two, and the person baby comes out of HAS to have one). The overnight nurse, not so much. She didn't care and often walked in while DD was alone with DH. She'd ask where I was, he'd tell her, and she'd say okay. For serious a day nurse took DD when I was in the SHOWER in our room from DH. They also tried to kick me out of the nursery multiple times when she was in there for her pediatrician exam, etc....thankfully that bracelet meant they could only do that during shift change.
BM had signed a release for DH and I to make medical decisions. She didn't want to see/hear/anything about DD int he hospital.
Thankfully it was 48 hours. I did file a complaint about the nurses we had that gave us trouble, particularly the one who voided all of BM's requests, and I wouldn't recommend the hospital to anyone who had a choice of where to deliver. Ironically I was back in their PP ward a few months later visiting a friend, and was more then happy to make sure they knew that DD was now legally mine (we had finalized) and that yes, I had in fact filed a complaint or a letter of gratitude with their board (depending on which nurse asked).