Dreading the daycare bill (vent)

IrishTraveler

I'm headed back to work at the end of February, and the daycare bill is weighing on me. DH and I are fine financially, but it's going to take a chunk out of our available cash each month. We want three kids, but with three kids in daycare, we're looking at it being 75% of my take-home pay. At that point, I don't see it being worthwhile to continue working, so we're making plans to possibly move to a more affordable home in order to live on his income.

The thing is I love my job. I also love being home with DS. Unfortunately, my job doesn't offer a remote or part-time option. It feels like I'm between a rock and a hard place when it comes to daycare. Ugh. 

XCrissCrossX

LOL, you just had one baby. I wouldn't be thinking about two or three yet. Are you sure you want them close enough together in age that they'll all be in daycare (as opposed to the oldest being in school? Also, there are other daycare options. With three kids, an in-home or maybe even a nanny might be a cheaper bet.

RachB33

I completely understand the conflict you're experiencing.  I went back to work at the end of December and it's really tough.  We need my salary right now to pay our mortgage, but daycare is very expensive and I miss being home with my daughter.  I feel a tremendous amount of guilt about working, but I also feel a tremendous amount of guilt about telling my husband all the time that I wish I could be home.  I also like my job and have a pretty flexible schedule, so I don't feel like I should be complaining.   

 I decided tonight that I wanted to look for an online community because I wanted to find people who understand how I feel.  Most of my friends are either full-time mommies or they work and don't experience any conflict with it.  I know you didn't say you feel guilty, but it's nice to know I'm not the only one who is having conflicting feelings about working and being a mom.  It's hard being a working mom!

MNgirl326

yes, daycare is expensive but you make some adjustments and it all works out. 
As far as future kids go, take it one day at a time.    There is a lot of cart before the horse in this post. 

You never know what the future leads- you may not even BE at the same job when by the time you have 3 kids.  Or you may decide you WANT to be home or want a part time job by then.  Or you may find some cheaper alternatives, or you may have an older kid in school by then. 

Don't borrow trouble before you have to

mexicolombiana

I feel you.  I love our nanny but damn it's a lot of money.  She watches our 2 girls now.  This is why we won't have a 3rd now.  It's probably the only reason I won't have a 3rd now.  Isn't that sad?

I want to have my oldest in some kind of free school at age 5 then i'll consider having a 3rd.

IrishTraveler

To answer some implied questions...

I realize it's a lot of cart before the horse here. But I think the big reason I'm stressing is DH and I are both 32. We certainly aren't ancient, but since we want three kids (and want them to be out of the house before we're 60), we can't wait long between them. We'd ideally like to space them two years apart, which still puts me at 36 before we're done.

We've been married almost eight years, so we're fairly well established in our relationship and what we both want out of it. The plan was always for me to stay home if we had children. Unfortunately, it can't work out that way unless we're in a less expensive house. Additionally, the school systems we're zoned for play a factor in the housing equation here. When we bought this house, kids weren't yet on our radar although we'd talked about them in theory.

 I do feel guilty about putting our son in daycare even though I know it's the best decision for our family at this time. I also feel guilty about putting the burden of providing for our family solely on DH if I leave my job. And I feel guilty that a big part of me wants to work and spend time with other adults.

I've been at my job for close to five years. I'm extremely content there, love my coworkers, and I'm not leaving unless I either quit or they throw me out. I honestly wouldn't want to work anywhere else, which is why the prospect of paying so much of my income toward daycare distresses me. Logically, it would make no sense to continue working. However, the satisfaction I get from my job...that plays a role too.

We haven't found an in-home daycare we're comfortable with, so for now, we're going to be using a center recommended to us by friends. A nanny is probably a more expensive option than we'd like to pursue. If someone recommends a fantastic in-home daycare to us, we're open to that. One hasn't crossed our path yet though.

I hate the idea that childcare would dictate the size of our family. Over the past several days, we've started discussing the idea of selling our home and moving to an area of our city with better schools and cheaper housing. We're both on board with the idea, but it can't happen for about a year. In the meantime, we plan to start trying for #2 toward the end of this year.

This was mostly a post just to vent and get this off my chest with other working moms. I'm not enjoying this newfound mommy guilt!

Iblamethebeer

I think you're smart to start planning your house sale now.

Sounds like you are making a plan to deal with the costs of three by the time you get there. 

 and maybe 4 years from now your salary (or DH's) will look different.

LoCarb

You will make it work. Continue to advance in your careers and increase your salary. You will find other areas to cut down expenses. Kids 2 yrs apart...each yr the tuition is cheaper, sibling discounts and maybe a corporate discount (every bit counts). By the time you have #3 you will only being paying for 2 kids in DC assuming older LO is attending public school. There may be a cost for before/after care.

It's still a huge chunk of salary. Our DC expenses are just as much as our home mortgage.

iluvmylab

While it's great to think ahead (especially about the house, since that is a huge purchase and you have to think about schools and such), I wouldn't cross the bridge of worrying about your job until the time comes.  

Daycare costs go down as your kid gets older too, DS is now $100 cheaper a month than he was from 4-12 months and will be even cheaper when he's 18 months at our place.  Who know if you will be at the same job due to factors outside of your control.  And who knows if DH or you will be making the same salary either.

And unfortunately, costs do dictate the size of families, or at least it should.  

itsmevkb

I understand wanting three kids and needing to have them relatively close together due to age and I totally get the whole daycare bill thing because having two kids in daycare and two kids in private school is killing us.  I just wanted to say that if you really love your job then I'd put a lot of weight on that when deciding whether or not to stay home.  That decision can't just be about money.  I would keep a job I loved even if it meant I was working just to pay for daycare because I won't always be paying for daycare but I will be working for the next few decades.

QueSrah

If you love your job, why do you have to quit at the point that daycare equals 75% of your takehome pay?  It sounds like you get a lot of satisfaction from your job, and it's not like you would be paying more than you earn to have your kids cared for.  Don't forget to consider any benefits you get through work, or 401k contributions, or just general contributions to your social security.  Sure, look into moving, especially since it sounds like you want to do that for schools as much as for affordability, but you don't have to decide now that you're going to quit in 3 or 4 years when you have a 3rd kid.

TMWarren85

I completely understand where you are coming from. When I was pregnant with DD I was still technically an intern and wasn't sure what my long term employment would turn into. With my salary as an intern, daycare would eat up 38% of my salary- granted we had DH's to offset, but adding that together daycare was 15% of our gross income; it was a hard decision. For me personally, I had been with my company for two years, and I was graduating the same time DD was born so I had yet to really *be* in the workforce. I felt if I would have stayed home my degree would have been for nothing. We had to cut back on certain things, and make time with her while not at work a priority but we made it work. 

Now with #2 arriving in the next month it has us re-examining our situation- my take-home is significantly more than it was when DD was born so even though our overall daycare cost per year for two kids is still the same 15%, that's spread across two kids instead of one. If I were to stay home our income would be cut by more than what that cost is. I will say there are a lot of schools out there that are cheaper than the one we chose, and some that are more expensive- but part of us deciding for me to continue working was putting our kids in the best possible school we could and it has been worth its weight in gold.

Looking at our financial future has forced us to make some decisions, but we don't make plans based on things that are beyond our control (for example, additional children that aren't underway, pay increases, etc.). So while it is important to plan for the future, you can't make a decision on staying home right now on having three kids and what that daycare cost is. We will only have one year of overlap with two kids in daycare- if you have three kids in a row (essentially 10 months apart) you would have have 1 year of 1 kid in daycare, 2 years of 2 kids in daycare and 3 years of 3 kids in daycare. That spreads if you give yourself more time between the kids...

And you can always change your mind- you can go back to work and then decide to stay home at any point, but it may be more difficult to go the other way though. 

PunkyBooster

1. You just had one baby. 

2. You may have them far enough apart in age that you won't be footing daycare for 3.

DS will likely be around 4 before #2 comes along. That puts him in K or 1st grade before #3 comes along. Viola. Also, things change. You may leave your job. You may be making more money. You may, it goes on and on. 

I never expected to lose my job but due to company downsizing last year (and it continues this year) I was given the boot. Never in a million years did I predict that when I started family planning.

Also look at your pay structure- even if DC costs eat up a bit of your take home, are you getting retirement? 401K matching? Insurance? Those things, IMO, can outweigh what you bring home in a paycheck.  

 

 

Tink112011

I remember similar feelings before we sent DS to daycare.  We pay $1000 a month and it seemed overwhelming.  It wasn't like we had an extra $1000 laying around every month before DS, so how was that going to work?  Somehow, it does.  We're smarter with our money, go out less, travel less, and it all works out.

BUT.... we're one and done mainly because of the financial aspect.  Putting another child through daycare is scary to us.

Maybride2

iluvmylab:

And unfortunately, costs do dictate the size of families, or at least it should.  

This.  This, this, this.

It sucks, but it's reality.  If you can't afford 3 kids, you can't have 3 kids. 

While I'm a huge proponent of planning ahead - your baby is 3 MONTHS.  Slow down, enjoy what you have for a bit, and stop stressing about how you're going to afford your phantom babies. 

ELCJet

My husband makes about 20% more than what we pay in daycare, but he continues to work because he loves it, and he knows that the kids aren't always going to be in daycare and at that point, he would want to be working again.   Jumping back into the workforce after a 2-4 year absence isn't very easy.  And you know what?  That 20% extra pays for a few bills.......

Don't worry about the future.  Live in the now -- the rest falls into place.  If daycare costs 3 years from now are dictating whether you have a 3rd child, then you make some sacrifices NOW (get rid of car loans, downsize that mortgage, put yourself on a strict budget to get that savings account up) and by the time the issue comes up, you are more than prepared to conquer it.

A lot can be said for having a job that you love.  I'm a little jealous. 

 

IrishTraveler

Thank you. You've given me quite a bit to think about. Right now, our biggest budget item is our mortgage. We have no other debts, and we have savings. Schools are a big deal to us, so a move is inevitable. Our house is really bigger than we need, so we're also looking at downsizing--maybe next year. We'd like another year of equity behind us (15-year mortgage).

I'm a planner, so that's where my panic is coming from. That and the daycare costs I keep staring at. I guess it's time to back away from the ledge a bit.  

2chatter

Just one thing to add...I never expected to pay for day care (my mom lives in our neighborhood).  I ended up needing it, but could afford it - however, I hated the expense!  I also never planned on paying private school tuition.  But I am.  For two kids.  It's more than day care. 

You just never know how things will turn out - and it's amazing how priorities shift and change with the addition of more children, changes in your family and community. 

So my advice is accept the day care expense.  You want more children, you can afford it...don't make yourself crazy thinking about where that money is going instead of where it used to go.  Your life will continue to change - and if you don't focus on the money, it's much happier IMO.

shannm

Maybride2:

iluvmylab:

And unfortunately, costs do dictate the size of families, or at least it should.  

This.  This, this, this.

It sucks, but it's reality.  If you can't afford 3 kids, you can't have 3 kids. 

While I'm a huge proponent of planning ahead - your baby is 3 MONTHS.  Slow down, enjoy what you have for a bit, and stop stressing about how you're going to afford your phantom babies. 

This.  

And there is nothing wrong with having kids after 36 so don't rush it. 

terpsfan

I agree with these statements.  If I won the lottery and lived in a fantasyland I would have another kid.  But looking at it practically and wanting to provide the best for the two I already have we have to stop at 2.  Don't get me wrong if a rare oops happened (and I have done what I needed to do to prevent that from happening - IUD-) we would welcome another but 3 would stretch us faarrr too thin for comfort.  It's taken me awhile to come to terms with this (and sometimes I still am not there, like I look at families of 3 and say if they can why not us??) but then I step back and look at the 2 perfect beautiful healthy kids I do have now (and can comfortably provide for) and be grateful and happy with our family being complete.