2nd time moms: was your DH a good labor coach?

H_loves_T

This post is really for anyone whose DH is taking an active role in helping prepare for labor. I know it may be a little early, but this is definitely on my mind a lot lately.

With DD, we did birthing classes but I don't think much of it sunk in with either of us, plus DH made fun of some of it and thought it was cheesy.

Fast forward to the day I was in labor.....we had invited both our moms to be in the room, which ended up being a big mistake for reasons I won't elaborate on since my question is more about DH's role in this all. Anyway, what it comes down to is that unfortunately, DH didn't take much initiative in helping me through contractions, etc. There's no point in me being upset or resentful about this, but I do think about it in terms of how this upcoming labor experience will be for us.

I guess I feel like DH wants me to just walk in, ask for an epidural and sit back and watch the nurses and I handle labor. He would deny this I'm sure, but I'm not really sure what else to think since I can only go by what has happened in the past.

In the end, I'm just looking for advice or anyone's prior experience that might help me get DH on board for being more of a support next time. FTR, I probably will get an epidural this time, but I plan to labor for a while before I do that. My OB doesn't allow doulas and I can't really think of anyone else who can support me. I hope I explained this alright, I'm really not trying to sound like a brat. I'm open to getting books that might be helpful, DVDs etc. TIA and I know this was super long!

aehamilton13

Well, I'm not a 2nd time mom, but I can tell you that my DH will be totally useless during labour, but for a bit of a different reason. He is absolutely terrified of medical procedures, hospitals, etc. I fully expect him to pass out or have to leave and go to the waiting room within the first half hour or so. But at least I know that going in, right??

Anyway, I was going to suggest getting a doula, as that's what we're doing, but if your OB won't allow one... is there anyone else close to you that you could ask to support you? Maybe a sibling or close friend? My SIL went to her best friend's delivery to support her because she knew her DH wouldn't be overly helpful. 

Carrie3102

My DH was horrible. I never told him that, but I can't count on him at all.  He got frustrated with me when I was in pain.  He would just go " do your breating" and that was that. 

Due to the fact that the nurse I had in the beginning had a hearing problem when I told her no pitocin right now. I wasn't allowed to move much during my labor, so that threw a lot of what we learned out the window.  -- I had an epi (that I didn't want but thanks to the pit I got one) and it didn't work.  So...

But he really was horrible.  I am thinking of talking to him about having my mom in there with me this time.  He'll probably say no, but the only time he was any good was during pushing anyway.  I think that was because he knew it was the end and that I was able to start doing something to ease my pain.

Guillerma

No. Not on purpose, because he's a sweet, wonderful guy.However, I think men just don't know what to do in the situation. And for a first time dad, I think it's a terrifying concept that the baby could actually come out and no one will die!

PrimRoseMama

My husband was a champ during DD's birth. From timing contractions to talking to me and rubbing my back. He held one of my legs while I pushed and cut the cord. Sometimes the biggest thing that meant the most to me was that he was there to hold my hand. He had already worked a 14 hour shift at the lab and then came home to find me in active labor. DD was born at 5am in the morning and he passed out on the couch in my recovery room.

I think with this issue you have to be up front and ask him for his help. This is where communicating your needs is vital. You feel like your H would just want to sit back and let everyone else handle it, but have you asked him what he feels his role in labor is supposed to be? He may want to be more included but just not know how to bring it up. During labor your needs will change from moment to moment. He will need to be flexible and responsive. You will need to do your best to communicate to him what you want. Start now.

If you ask him and he shrugs then you need to enlist a good female friend to be there for you. Are you using a midwife? Mine was awesome at talking to me and reassuring me about what was going on. I wasn't terribly nice to her during labor, but she was very understanding. She said she's heard worse. lol.

Anyway, I'm sorry like you are feeling like you have to do this alone. Have you talked to your OB about it? They may be able to talk to your husband too.

H_loves_T

First I will just say that I already feel tons better knowing that I wasn't the only one who didn't have the best labor coach in DH. However, it's also good to hear from someone who did have a good experience....I will take your advice, it's a good idea to enlist our OB in this since she's pretty awesome and might be able to explain things better. I have had one conversation with DH so far, he knows how I feel about it but I think at this point is lacking in information as to why it is vital to have a good supporter with you. Maybe OB will have the words that I don't, maybe I will find a witty but informative book that can help us as well. Thanks for the advice!!

Rushmore

Is your husband a reader? I've heard great things about The Birth Partner by Penny Simkin. I've yet to read it myself, but I'm going to be picking it up (FTM here).

 

 

hollandmama

PrimRoseMama:

My husband was a champ during DD's birth. From timing contractions to talking to me and rubbing my back. He held one of my legs while I pushed and cut the cord. Sometimes the biggest thing that meant the most to me was that he was there to hold my hand. He had already worked a 14 hour shift at the lab and then came home to find me in active labor. DD was born at 5am in the morning and he passed out on the couch in my recovery room.

I think with this issue you have to be up front and ask him for his help. This is where communicating your needs is vital. You feel like your H would just want to sit back and let everyone else handle it, but have you asked him what he feels his role in labor is supposed to be? He may want to be more included but just not know how to bring it up. During labor your needs will change from moment to moment. He will need to be flexible and responsive. You will need to do your best to communicate to him what you want. Start now.

If you ask him and he shrugs then you need to enlist a good female friend to be there for you. Are you using a midwife? Mine was awesome at talking to me and reassuring me about what was going on. I wasn't terribly nice to her during labor, but she was very understanding. She said she's heard worse. lol.

Anyway, I'm sorry like you are feeling like you have to do this alone. Have you talked to your OB about it? They may be able to talk to your husband too.

 

Prim, how did your DH prepare for it? How did he know to time contractions and all that?

I'm on the same boat as OP, except I'm FTM but I think DH doesn't have any idea what/how all this happens, also he is scared as hell of needles so I know if I will need to have a needle in my hand he'll probably leave the room :P jk...

I'm trying to find ways to prepare him, but I already told him that this is OUR baby and he has to go in labor with me, be supportive, informed and that he must know what is happening and what to do! 

pepomntpat

No.  He was fine until things went in the unplanned direction. Then he just froze up. I am REALLY glad I had a doula or I really would have been on my own.  When I had to have a c/s she kept reassuring me, made sure DH had the camera, told him what to do and say, kept track of our stuff, found out where I was when the nurses forgot about me, etc.  I highly recommend it. Birth is stressful.

I will say they had to practically drag him out of the OR with the baby to take her to the nursery. He kept her with me as long as he could. 

Liz4444

I guess I'm pretty low maintenance, I just wanted him to provide a body part for me to squeeze, hand, arm, I didn't care, and get me things when I asked for them. He was actually watching the contraction machine and telling me when they were coming, I had to tell him to shut up.

After the epidural, he just needed to put on music for pushing, hold my leg, then stick with the baby. My only complaint is that he and my father put the football game on. I figured since I was the one in labor, I'd get to choose the tv show. My parents were only in the room after I was relaxed from the epi and left before I started pushing.

CarlaAndJames

I have to brag on him, my husband was seriously amazing. The nurses even teased him and asked if he could stay for their next birth. He did 100% of the countdown to contractions, watching the monitor, letting me know what was coming, and talking me through all of them.

He's a high school teacher though, so it's his personality to be encouraging, almost a cheerleader about things. He had not interest beforehand in reading books, he hated our birth classes, and didn't really know anything going on. He just figured out the patterns on the monitor, followed them, and coached me through it.

As far as advice, I'd just recommend being open with him about what your expectations are. His knowledge of birth probably goes as far as cheesy movies, so he may have thought you'd be some crazy exorcist lady and he should just shut up and leave you alone. Tell him you'd really like him to coach you through them. That it would mean a lot to you if he could take a more active role so it can be something you guys can experience together. You could also see if your area has Bradley classes or Lamaze type classes, that are more centered around labor coaching and strategies (I know our birth class was lame, just a 3 hour hospital thing talking about the stages of labor, when to go to the hospital, etc. very little about actual labor techniques).

 

ETA - side story, lol. To this day DH complains about how bad his neck hurt post-labor. He was tensing up and so intense with the coaching that his neck muscles around his throat were sore for like a week. His little joke is to remind me how painful labor was for him

PrimRoseMama

sandraynic:

 

Prim, how did your DH prepare for it? How did he know to time contractions and all that?

I'm on the same boat as OP, except I'm FTM but I think DH doesn't have any idea what/how all this happens, also he is scared as hell of needles so I know if I will need to have a needle in my hand he'll probably leave the room :P jk...

I'm trying to find ways to prepare him, but I already told him that this is OUR baby and he has to go in labor with me, be supportive, informed and that he must know what is happening and what to do! 

We just talked a lot about what we wanted and why. I was very open with my needs. As far as knowing when to time contractions I woke him up when my water broke and told him we should start timing. He got a timer and we did. I tried myself, but for some reason I couldn't concentrate with all the pain.

I think the best thing to do is to give your H information. Just give it to him and having him read it. Your OB should be able to give you pamphlets and talk to your H. My midwife was very very explicit with my husband during our last appointments about what I was going to need and to listen to me during labor. You need to enlist the help of your medical professional.

Sometimes there is no magic "thing to do" or "know how" truly. Sometimes just being there while you are writhing in agony is all your husband is supposed to do. It was really that simple in my experience. Just be there and hold my hand. Tell me I'm doing a good job. Listen to what I need (rub my back, feet, can you get me ice chips.). Stand with me beside the shower while I run hot water over myself.

I don't think there is some magical thing your husband is supposed to do. Its a learning curve and you can prepare all you want, but once you are in the moment flexibility is key. Give your husbands information and tell them what you need.

bobcee

My H was also great during my last birth.  He reminded me to relax, rubbed my back, y head, did whatever I asked/needed.  I don't think he expected to help by holding my leg and all that while I was pushing, but the nurse instructed him to do so and he jumped right in.  He also said he planned on staying by my head and had no interest in looking "down there", but when the time came he couldn't help himself and looked, leaned and whispered in my ear, I see the head and started tearing up - it was precious

Anyways, he had been pretty involved early on, reading books, going to class with me (though I also think he thought a lot of it was cheesy), giving me massages, and helping me relax all through my pregnancy so I knew he'd do great.  However, if you know your H isn't like that, you need to talk to him and tell him it would really help you out if he did such and such.  If he's not receptive, I'd let him know that you need someone who will be and like others have recommended ask a close friend or family member to help coach you.  It may just truly be though he doesn't know how/what kind of support you want or need from him and clarifying that ahead of time might help.

Kitten80

No.  I won't even go into details.  I had c-sec time 1 (breech, failed version, during which he talked, joked, and asked stupid questions - the ob finally told him he better shut up for his safety) He was ok during that C & good at home, overall. Second time, baby flipped late and I wanted to try VBAC - he was so unsupportive, I ended up repeat C.  During & after which he was horrible support.   This time, if they would let me try VBA2C I wanted a doula and, of course, he has said no way.  But I have no female family and my closest friends are really far away.  I hope your OB helps and that you have a much better experience this time.

klyann

We took a one day class and my DH was like yours and didn't take it too seriously.  Fast forward to when my water breaks in the middle of the night and I tell him we need to get to the hospital a couple hours later when the labor is fast and furious.  It took forever to get an epidural and DH actually had brought the handout for "coaching/supportive labor statements" and read them off to me as I'm shaking, puking and trying to get through each contraction coming every 2 minutes.   Looking back it was pretty amusing. 

I think DH knows what he's in for this time around so I'm hoping that he will try to prepare ahead of time with me.   I think we'll try to research some labor breathing/relaxation techniques together.  Especially since I wasn't nearly as prepared as I should have been either.

prettysoldier

Guillerma:

No. Not on purpose, because he's a sweet, wonderful guy.However, I think men just don't know what to do in the situation. And for a first time dad, I think it's a terrifying concept that the baby could actually come out and no one will die!

Yep.

mittensonkittens

Your DH might take a class more seriously now that he's been through it once already. And sit down with him and tell him exactly what you want from him. But take his personality into account too, make sure you're not expecting him to be someone he isn't. My DH isn't the coach type, so I didn't expect him to play that role. I wanted him there for support, and that is something he does well. I was my own coach.

Dukos

My DH was great during labor.  Really all he did was hold my hand, help me breathe through contractions and tell me I could do it.  He also got all the parents out of the room when the contractions started which was helpful  Of course I had an epidural, so really there were only a few contractions and then we all got to take a nap.

He was totally terrified of the gore, and we had planned on him being near my head during the delivery but somehow he ended up holding one of my legs and watching the whole thing.  I kept telling him he didn't need to, but out of nowhere he said he was fine and he did great.

I think you should think through the upcoming birth, and picture how you want him to act.  Sit him down and have a serious talk and tell him these are the things I need you to do when I'm in pain, etc.  I think as pp have said, men are very out of their element and don't always know how to handle it.  GL!

new2011mommy

My DH was great! He came to the birthing class with me. When I got to the hospital, I was 3 weeks early, had high blood pressure, and then got a fever. They had me hooked up to all kinds of monitors so I could not get out of bed. It was a hassle to get unhooked just to get up to pee. I was in so much pain and ended up with an epidural. Before I got the epidural, he was very supportive and let me squeeze his hand for every contraction. Once I got the epidural, the pain was gone and I was fine again. When it came time to push, the nurse asked him to hold one leg and she had the other. As much as I did not want him to see me like that, I did not care when I was in the midst of pushing. He kept telling me how great I was doing, how proud of me he was, and he could see the head so I was almost there.

 

 

H_loves_T

I'm glad to hear all these experiences. Makes me feel like it's pretty typical the way DH and I interacted the first time. I don't want to make it sound like he was completely useless lol, but I will definitely make sure that this time we both go into it having come to an agreement on how things should be handled and what he can do to help before the epidural. In all reality, I don't expect much from him while I'm pushing because my OB was amazing during that part and even if she can't be there for some reason, I know the nurses are also really good. Maybe I also have more confidence in my pushing abilities than the other parts of labor!

queenbone

No, I don't think he was. I wanted to try for a pain med free birth, but ended up with an epidural and a c/s. My dad had just died so I was a little emotionally dead on the inside and DH was not as strong as I needed him to be. I never once heard him advocate for me. Which sucks because as a result I had to have a RCS with DS2 and will with this baby as well.

caelorum84

This.

I'm a FTM but we picked up The Birth Partner and DH has been making his way through it. It's really cute because he'll come to bed and ask "have you been doing your kegels?", "do you know what cat/cow is? You'll probably have to do that" and my personal favourite from last night "I may have to start giving you perineum massages in the third trimester to make sure you don't tear", hahaha, thanks honey!

caelorum84

Oops, that was in response to Rushmore

jennipalmer

My exH ate fast food in my labor room and kept changing the channel from the TV show I was trying to focus on to Sports Center. My mother really helped me through both previous births!! Sadly she has passed away but my daughter who will be 13 is going to come in and help. My DH will be there and he a great man he will hold my hand and tell me I am doing great. But I am very proud to have my baby girl be apart of this and hopefully I will be able to help her one day.

SunnyMuffin

Not really, I felt like he wasnt really on my "side" either.  They wouldnt let me eat or drink after I got the epidural and I kept asking him to sneak me bites of the food Id packed when the nurses were gone and he maybe gave me 2 bites....

I'm getting a doula this time 

MrserinJ

My first son was posterior and I didn't have contractions after my water broke until I got Pitocin so I had the epidural. DH was wonderful. I have no complaints.

My second son, we though I'd have the epidural again but it didn't work and by the time they came to fix it my body had started pushing on it's own. I think we were both so shocked at how fast things progressed and I was definitely unprepared for the pain. DH almost passed out. He said he was so upset to see me in that pain that he just felt overwhelmed and panicked.

This time, I'd like to epi again and hopefully it works. If it doesn't, I think we'll both be more prepared. DH says he's ready this time and I'm as ready for the pain as I'll ever be. Lol.

I think the best thing either or you can do is be prepared for anything! GL

theuntaggablek

He.was.AWESOME. Super supportive - physically, mentally, emotionally. We did Bradley classes, so he'd had lots of time to practice & prep strategies.

Couldn't have done a med-free birth without him.

Amanda&EricB

Yes! DH did awesome! We didn't really "prepare" for birth, so much. We just briefly talked about my wishes, and what I was hoping for. He knows me well enough to know that when I say "Please just give me a little space" I mean it. So when I was in labor, and trying to work through the pain, I would ask him for some space, and he gave it. When I was pushing, I was SO FREAKING HOT and I kept crying for ice, then the cold washrag, then he'd fan me with a magazine. I didn't even have to ask. He just knew what to do, and it helped me tremendously.