Talking it out - please opinions
Hello,
This is my first time posting here. Before I say what I want your opinion on I will give some background. I am getting married in August (the 3rd), and we have our own apartment. He has a steady job. He is making 30 thousand a year. I am still in school, but I will be done with my courses this year in December. Then I will walk in graduation ceremony in May. Our debt is about 5-9 thousand dollars which we have calculated we can get paid off by the beginning of next year. I have a part time job which isn't secure because they can fire me at any point because I am a seasonal employee. I just applied somewhere else part time as well, but it has to do with the career I am getting a degree on (Psychology). Until I am done with school I won't be able to work full time because my school schedule doesn't match with the needs of jobs available.
We both have been talking TTC after I graduate. I am going to be 22 by next year, and he will be 25. we have talked to other people who tell us to do things that young people do. But there isn't anything we want to do except go skydiving. We know that having a kid obviously has a lot of responsibilities and brings stress into a relationship. We don't want kids NOW or right away after we get married. We want to wait a year after we get married. BUT I want to know..from YOUR perspective, what are things that we should do before we try to conceive?
ANOTHER big thing is that I am afraid I am not fertile because I had an abortion when I was 18. And I am afraid of going to my Gyno for testing specially since we don't intend on trying until a year or two from now. So, I am just asking for opinions based on your experiences on having kids in our 20's. Thanks, and sorry for this being so long.
Re: Talking it out - please opinions
And your previous experience should not impact your fertility. If the dr did things correctly that is, there is no reason to assume there are problems. Also, you should find a good obgyn that you like enough to handle prenatal care, possibly deliver future babies, and to share all your medical history.
I originally wanted to find a steady job, but from all the searches I have done I can't find a steady job with a Bachelor's in Psychology. . at least not one that is up to an hour away. He will also get insurance for the both of us from his job, as of right now we didn't do it because we are both under our parents until we are 26 (said the insurance company).
I definitely agree that I need to find a different obgyn.
I had a roommate in college who had 2 abortions and now has 4 very healthy children.
My sister has a BA Psych and has always had a good job. She has done anything from social work type jobs to hospital research.
I would, honestly, want to get that debt down a little, especially given your debt to income ratio is a bit concerning. I would not be very comfortable having a child on the income you both have right now, but I understand you are young and it takes time to make money sometimes. Like the pp said, daycare can be pricey. We had a nanny ourselves, and now DS is in preschool and his tuition is half what your DH is making. And we are in MCOL, not even considered HCOL.
Also, I have no idea where you live, if you are in VLOC, then ignore what I just said.
I can't help you with the being in your 20s. It's more about being ready life wise than it is about age. I was 32 when I had DS, but I wanted to wait that long, as I was in graduate school and doing well in my career prior to that.
I live in NJ. Well by the end of the year we will have all 9 thousand dollars paid off. So we aren't really worried about the debt honestly. I can't find in my area a job that is like the one your sister has had? I have expanded my search to up to an hour away because I am not finding anything. I have been looking on indeed, and monster. How has she found them?
So, we definitely need to make more money. That makes sense. Thank you. Another reason why I didn't even consider babysitting is because in my family and his no one has ever had a babysitter. Family members have always taken care of kids, so considering one is odd to me if that makes sense.
What is VLOC?
I agree, I would want to pay off the debt before TTC.
The insurance part was definitely the first thing I thought about.
We do have savings, and every time we get paid we put some in the savings specially because I do not have a steady job.
See, that's one of those things I don't really understand. To enjoy being a couple. We mostly stay at home even now. We both do not really enjoy going out. Us having fun is pretty much staying home watching a movie, and once in awhile we do have friends. And for example we decided to go to a bar, but we walked out because we didn't enjoy it.
We want to TTC next year, but I don't think that that is realistically possible. All the friends I have now dislike going out. Like for us having fun is having a dinner once in awhile. That's one of the reasons that I feel we are both ready. The only things we really want to do before having a child is sky diving, and that's about it. We have gone out as much as we could (in the past two years) to enjoy our relationship. We have lived together peacefully without a child, and being able to wake up whenever or go to sleep whenever. Using the bathroom without a kid banging on your door, and things like that.
Thanks by the way.
Very Low Cost of Living!
Well, my goals and your goals will obviously be different. But here were our goals:
1. Married at least 3 years. We actually ended up being married just over 6 years when our first child was born.
2. Me done with graduate school and working. As someone with a BA in psychology, that degree is all but worthless in the real world. You won't find a job in the field doing any kind of clinical work without a graduate degree. Just something to keep in mind...
3. In a good place career wise (especially for DH who is military).
I was nowhere near ready for babies at 22. I am now almost 32 and have a 2 and 3 year old and am glad I waited. Children bring a whole new world to you - both joyous and stressful. They require all of your energy all of the time. I look back at my 20s and am so glad that DH and I went on trips together where we could leisurely sip coffee at 10AM and lay on the beach all day. Right now we are planning a summer vacation around Children's activities, making sure our learning-to-potty-train 2 year old will have toilets close by, worrying about time changes and flying, and all that jazz that wouldn't have even been a slight issue before kids. Also - money and benefits. Make sure you have health insurance and that your kids will be covered. $30,000 is very little money and a psych degree won't get you a very high paying job. Make sure you have figured out if you want to work, and if so, can you afford daycare?
I am not you so it is impossible for me to say what I would do if I were you. I think it is good for you to want to wait until you have been married a year (at least) to TTC. That will give you about 2 years of marriage under your belt to get settled, get out of debt, start working, and get into a groove.
Married 6/28/03
Kate ~ 7/3/09 *** Connor ~ 11/11/10
4 miscarriages: 2007, 2009, 2013, 2014
*~*~*~*~*
No more TTC for us. We are done, and at peace, as a family of 4.
"Suffering has been stronger than all other teaching, and has taught me to understand what your heart used to be. I have been bent and broken, but – I hope – into a better shape.” — Charles Dickens
That makes sense. I know I definitely don't want to wait that long. But at the same time I do want to have our finances a little better. For example finish paying off our debt. His school loans are fine because unfortunately his father passed away and since they were under his name we don't have to pay them back. I only have 5 thousand school debt.
I also know I won't be going to graduate school. I just feel that the only thing left for us to work on is our finances, and getting a steady job for me.
And I know my parents had me when they were 18 and 20 and they struggled far too much. I know we will struggle but I don't want it to be to the point my parents did.
Thank you. Unfortunately I definitely know that with a BA in psych there isn't much I can do, and that like you said it is pretty much worthless.
Thankfully I don't want to do clinical work. I have always wanted to just be a stay at home mom, but I know that that won't be possible. In his job they said that he will get bonuses every year, and that he will be considered for a raise every 6 months.
I like what you said about waiting a year of marriage at least. Thanks for sharing that beach experience because that is something I definitely had not considered. I appreciate what you shared with me because it does give me that perspective of enjoying traveling to an extent without having kids first.
We have lived together for 2 years. Thanks again!
I am pretty sure all the jobs she has gotten have been through contacts at school- she did research at Children's hospital for a few years, she worked in a residential home for runaway teens for about a year. I am pretty sure she got the shelter job through her career center at school and the research job (which was a REALLY good job) through a connection in her class (maybe her professor or her advisor?)
I can't remember. She has a state job now working with crazy people. I think she got that on USA Jobs or something- but she's now in her early 30s and has the 10 years of exp under her belt.
DH and I also did a good bit of traveling before DS arrived but I understand that not everyone gets bit by a traveling bug. It's okay if that's not your cup of tea, but we are glad for our experience. It would not be easy to trek through the jungles in Central America or 2 weeks prior, book a long weekend of bar hopping in Dublin with a 2 year old!
I am having a serious hard time figuring out what this "living" is. Honestly. For example as I've said before we would like to go skydiving. I have always wanted to go to Italy, but we definitely wont have the money for that. But that's as far as my living and his goes. So, I am having a hard time thinking of things to do before we actually have kids. Someone mentioned doing some traveling, but it's not always easy with our schedules, and obviously money.
Thanks. I do feel better now with everyone responses about abortions generally not having a negative impact on my fertility. Our debt will definitely be gone this year thankfully.
That's funny. I have always wanted to go skydiving and have it recorded. That's definitely something we will get done this summer :]. Well, I am just trying to figure out what we want to do before having kids but we both are coming up blank. We have had plenty of dinners out, we have spent plenty of time with our friends and families. We have gone to plenty of Broadway shows which is a big thing for us so we are trying to see some more. But..that's as far as I am thinking. So..I dont know, am I missing something here?
I don't know the facts behind it, but I understand your fertility concern. My two bff's both had abortions when they were young. They both have unprotected sex regularly (and have for the last 5-8 years) without either of them conceiving again. One is trying, one says she doesn't want kids but doesn't do anything to prevent pregnancy. Try to conceive for a year before you get worried though. I believe that is the first step with any doctor's consults anyways.
Get a babymoon (or 2 or several) in before you get pregnant. Morning sickness has the tendency to be quite the buzz kill. And ideally be taking prenatal vitamins (with folic acid) a few months prior to pregnancy.
As for the abortion, it should not affect your fertility. They've come a long way since the back-alley days* and many women can carry future children healthy and full-term.
*Back-alley days is merely a reference to decades past when an abortion had high risks to the mother, as in severe infections and/or death.
My last piece of advice would be to make sure that you have good insurance and don't get pregnant before you are covered for a while. Some insurances will not cover your maternity care if you technically got pregnant before the coverage started. Do your research first to make sure you will be covered!
My Ovulation Chart
It's all the little things that people forget about or don't think about before kids.
Health insurance costs go up once you have kids.
Daycare costs as well as diapers, clothes, wipes, toys, equipment and furniture all add up.
No sleeping in, very little peace and quiet.
Very few dinners out, no time for movies with your DH because you'll be too tired and will just want to get those 5 or 6 hours of sleep.
Kids get sick, this causes parents to get sick so all of a sudden your DH is missing work or you are to watch your baby.
Having a safe car for the kids is important.
Very few adult get-togethers and even when you're out you're thinking of your kids, worrying and wondering about them rather than enjoying yourself.
We do everything we did before kids but it is so much more difficult to travel or enjoy ourselves. I think people like the idea of having a child together and have that desire so they jump into it despite debt or despite having traveled and experienced the world and each other to the fullest first. I wish I had taken more vacations with just my DH before we had a baby but I wanted a baby and felt like I was getting old fast and that fear of never having a child outweighed my desire for all of those things. Just think about it like this, you need a strong foundation for a house to survive. Babies and kids bring an amazing amount of stress on each parent and in different ways for each person which can be very trying. Build that foundation with alone time, vacations, or whatever else you want to do and give it a little time so that you're secure in the marriage and really ready for a baby.
What is a babymoon? Thank you. I appreciate your reply.
I agree with you. Is there anything else you think that we would need to before starting to try? Thankfully my job just offered me a full time position!! I will definitely do that insurance research before we even TTC. Thank you. I appreciate you sharing your advice with me. I will indeed keep it in mind.
Thank you. That's actually something that we definitely need to do: to have vacations, and travel just the two of us. I came in here because I knew I definitely needed a reality check because I do have such a strong desire to have children, but I know it's a lot of work and responsibility. Thank you.
We will definitely work on our relationship and alone time more.
I didn't even think about the getting sick part. I am glad you've shared your input with me. I will also keep this in mind. It definitely is very important to me to have finished school, and actually walked in the graduation ceremony before having kids. It's also a top priority to have our debt paid off and that's something we are currently working on at the moment.
I figured that once I finish my last semester in December I will seek a more steady job because the reason I have not sought one out is because my school schedule is so crazy. I really appreciate you bringing up those things. Thanks again!
Thank you for that. I appreciate it. Those are definitely things that are more like us, and things that we can actually will do. I will read that to him as well. Thank you so much. You saying those things mean a lot to me.
Oh okay! That's funny. Thank you.
I just want to say thank you to all of you that replied. You guys have really put things into perspective for me and my FI. I have read wht you guys have said to him as well, and we both agreed that we will enjoy as much time as we can before have kids, and will try to do things such as just being together and being able to cuddle down to watch a movie. And to just go out and travel as much as we can.
You guys have no idea how much this means to me, so THANK YOU!