Yet another "Do I have to invite this person?" query.

chapternext

I'm still in my first trimester, but I've already started thinking about my baby shower and what kind I would like. (My mother is a "go big" kind of event planner, while I prefer more intimate gatherings, so I feel like I need to know exactly what I want before the subject comes up and we get into "negotiations.") Of course, this got me thinking about who I would like to invite to this event, and like many expecting moms there is a "problem person." For me, it's my brother-in-law's fiance. I am not close to my brother-in-law (we don't share any interests, and he has a standoffish kind of personality) or to his fiance (I've only met her a handful of times in the year they've been together).  She is an okay person, and we get along alright in that we get through small talk fine. But... honestly, I don't really respect her or like her very much. She doesn't appear to have life/career goals of her own, she has children from previous partners that she doesn't seem to parent very well (without going into detail, she's had to go to court-ordered parenting classes and her children are not well-behaved), and she's not taking care of herself during her new pregnancy with my brother-in-law's child (smoking, drinking). A lot of my family-in-law doesn't seem to be very fond of her either. Can I get away with not inviting her? This would be a "ladies only" baby shower, so my husband and brother-in-law would not be present.

BallSox

Well it boils down to whether or not you want to start a bunch of *** in your family. I mean, you don't like her, whatever. She's a bad parent (according to you), but whatever. Bottom line, she's family. Personally, I'd invite her and hope she didn't show up, but being known for picking and choosing what family you want to include, isn't on my bucket list. It's not like you're talking about someone you knew in first grade or a girl he just started dating last week, ykwim? You have the rest of your life (potentially) being around her. Be the bigger person and hope that she turns it down. Who knows? Maybe she gets the feeling that you don't like her at all and she has better things to do than be with someone that judges her life choices.

EastCoastBride

To follow on Ballsox- I get that you don't like her, but nothing you listed really has to do with YOU at all.  I think you're entering dangerous ground when you start hand picking family to invite to events.  I think you're drawing a pretty firm line in the sand by not including her.

But... no, you dont' "have" to invite her.  You do have that choice to not include her.  You just have to think long and hard about reprecussions and what you're willing to open yourself up to.

chapternext

Sigh. Yeah. I know you're right in that I have suck it up.

chapternext

Also a good point from you, EastCoastBride. While I want this event to be fun and stress-free, it's one event in a potential lifelong series of events.

EastCoastBride

chapternext:

Also a good point from you, EastCoastBride. While I want this event to be fun and stress-free, it's one event in a potential lifelong series of events.

And it still can be.  Don't give this girl too much power in your life.  She may bring drama with her, but you don't have to play along.  Focus on the other people who are there, who you WANT to be there.  Don't let her - ONE person- dictate the tone to your shower. 

MR.&Mrs

I understand how you feel. I have a cousin that my parents and aunts and uncles are annoyed with. I really would prefer not to invite her to my shower (presuming I have someone offer). But, I know that if I don't; I will be only creating a giant shiite storm. I would say invite her and hope she doesn't show or just sits quietly in the background. 

chapternext

Thanks for the sympathetic response, MR.&Mrs. On my end, I don't think it would create a HUGE shitestorm at the time, but a shitestorm is a shitestorm nonetheless and who knows what the aftermath in the long run will be.

I wish you lots of luck during your own pregnancy. Hope everything goes smoothly!

Stina2012

It sounds like you get along for small talk. If so then keep your interaction with her to small talk. And I agree that you shouldn't let one person set the tone or your feeling around the shower. Go enjoy your shower and spend no more time thinking about this woman!

rhubarb123

I agree with BallSox and EastCoastBride (and basically everyone else too I suppose).  Sounds like she'll be around for a while...might as well learn to deal with it the best you can.

RissNRuss

I think you should invite her. I personally am not a fan of my SIL (bro's wife) but she is on our list- she's technically immediate family. In my case, my mom is scheduling the shower more around SIL than me- because of holidays and the fact that I have to travel, we are aiming for after her due date with Baby#3, so if she wants to be included, she can. You'll be having plenty of people to chat with and enjoy anyway, you shouldn't have a problem!

Cree123

It's understandable. We don't click with everyone that becomes a part of our family. However I would invite her.  Regardless of how you feel it's not worth brewing tension over. Inviting her also sets a healthy tone for your baby who could have cousins to play with in the future.