Inviting friends/family from out of state

shellesbelles

My husband and I live in Chicago, but I'm from CA and he's from NY (I also used to live there).  I certainly have friends here in Chicago for my shower, but my besties are in CA and NY.  My MIL is has started bugging my sister in Seattle for the names and addresses of all my friends who were at my wedding ect and asking when she will come out to help throw it when she doesn't have any money and can't afford to come out for the shower and to help when the baby is born.  I obviously want her here when the baby is here.  MIL is a real control freak, type A personality and doesn't seem to get that not everybody has a lot of money and time to just be flying all over.  The thing is, while I would absolutely love to have all my best girlfriends here, I feel bad inviting them because I don't want them to feel obligated to have to fly out here just for a baby shower or that I just want them to send a gift.   But then on the other hand, I 2 of them have already asked me when it's going to be because they want to help with it and come out and I don't want my other friends to think they just weren't invited.  MIL of course wants to invite girls on DH's side of the family all from NY and Wisconsin.  I feel like this is turning into this huge spectacle and going to put a lot of pressure on people and I'm not even supposed to know about it!  Also, I'm scared she will try to plan it for a weekend that won't work for us because we are taking birthing and newborn classes a lot of the Saturdays in the 7th and 8th month and there's only one day I would really want to do it.  Advice on handling this situation would be great.  Thanks ladies.

HeatherBob

I totally get where your coming from! I'm going to say invite your best girlfriends, even though they live far away. If they want to be there, then send them an invite, and if they say no they can't make it - there's no hard feelings because you already don't expect them too. But if they do, then it's a nice surprise for you to spend time with your friends.

As for MIL, I'd just have your husband (or you) remind her that your busy taking birthing classes in the 7th & 8th month on Saturdays - so if something was being planned - you won't be able to make it. Also explain you'd rather have her come out after baby is born rather than have a shower. Sometimes it's easier if your hubby says it because she may listen to him better.
 

BeckyTheEngineer

Do you want a shower? You can say no, if it sounds like it would be a hassle and extraordinary expense for everyone involved. If you do have one, maybe ask that it only be for local people, and others on a case by case basis. Then, as you talk to your other family and friends, ask them if they want an invite.

If Saturdays are bad, have the thing on a Sunday. If you don't have any mutually agreeable time for a shower, then don't have one.

shellesbelles

Yes, I do want a shower.  I just don't want to inconvenience my girlfriends or make them feel bad for not coming and I don't want my MIL to make it about her instead of me and the baby, which she has a tendency of doing.  

BeckyTheEngineer

shellesbelles:

Yes, I do want a shower. nbsp;I just don't want to inconvenience my girlfriends or make them feel bad for not coming and I don't want my MIL to make it about her instead of me and the baby, which she has a tendency of doing. nbsp;

Ok, then is it possible that someone other than your MIL would host the shower? Frankly, if she hosts, she would be well within bounds to do things her way, and it sounds like you don't want that.

shellesbelles

That's the thing.  I already told her at Thanksgiving when she brought it up that my friend wanted to throw me one.  She's doing this behind my back.  I'm not supposed to know that she's been facebooking my sister, but my sister thought I should know what she was doing because she didn't think I'd like it.

ordinary1

A baby shower is a gift. You don't have to accept one, however you shouldn't complain about what they want to do. If you feel too uncomfortable with what she is doing tell her you know that she is planning a shower for you and while you appreciate it you can't accept. If you don't want to do that suck it up and be grateful.

ETA: if your friends can't make it, I don't think they will feel like you invited them just for the gift especially if you are as close as you think you.

1026pumpkin

HeatherBob:

I totally get where your coming from! I'm going to say invite your best girlfriends, even though they live far away. If they want to be there, then send them an invite, and if they say no they can't make it - there's no hard feelings because you already don't expect them too. But if they do, then it's a nice surprise for you to spend time with your friends.

As for MIL, I'd just have your husband (or you) remind her that your busy taking birthing classes in the 7th & 8th month on Saturdays - so if something was being planned - you won't be able to make it. Also explain you'd rather have her come out after baby is born rather than have a shower. Sometimes it's easier if your hubby says it because she may listen to him better.
 

This!  Also, if your sister doesn't feel comfortable saying no to MIL, you or DH should mention to her how glad you are that your sister is coming out after the baby because she can only afford to make one trip....if MIL is really dense, just come right out and say your sister cannot afford to come out for and help plan a shower. 

MamaMcCleary

Out of Town Besties/Family- invite them. If they decide to come awesome. If they want to send a gift give the best thank you note. If they don't come oh well. If you don't send them an invite they might be hurt that you didn't want to include them on your special day.

As far and what ur MIL is planning it really is not for you say. Definatley mention the classes but I am sure u will ruffle feathers for sure by telling her you know what she is planning and don't agree with it. If she is messaging your sis maybe your sis can offer suggestions to make the party more ur style.

 

Happy2BPregnant

I struggled with this as well.  My mil is throwing me a shower and I opted not to invite far away family members and friends because I thought it might look like I expect them to be there or that I expect a gift.

However, if I were to do a "do-over", I would have invited them.  I now feel bad that I didn't at least send an invite.  Oh well!  Go with your gut.  If you want to invite your best girlfriends, do it!

Btw...this is coming from another Chicago mama! 

shellesbelles

Thanks ladies!  I appreciate all of the helpful advice the majority of you have given me.  I think I will just talk to MIL and tell her I figured out she is planning a shower and I am really grateful, but I just want to let her know my sister can't really help and my schedule is a little limited.  

 As for the patronizing comment that a shower is a gift and I should just suck it up and be grateful, I don't know what gave you the impression that I was ungrateful and that I wasn't aware it was a gift.  I was simply asking for advice on how to handle a sticky situation and you decided to reply in a snotty way for no apparent reason.  It wasn't very nice and I hope you don't continue to post that way to others who are just looking for a little help from people outside their circle.