February 2013 Moms

Am I wrong?

So after having a long conversation with my SIL, I am really wondering if I am asking to much or being unreasonable.

I have asked certain members of our families to get the pertussis shot. There is a huge outbreak in our province that has already claimed the life of 32 precious children all under 3 months of age. And she is furious about it, saying its unreasonable because it costs to much, and it takes time to go and get it...and I have no right to force people who want to be around the baby to have said shot. Since a mask would do the same.

I explained that I would prefer they have the shot just because its the safer option. And that no I wouldn't force his grandparents to get them, ones highly allergic to something in 99 percent of vaccines and the other just had a stroke and is on medication that would cause complications with the vaccine. But she is fighting it, going it cost money to go get, and well im out for camp for two weeks and then off for two weeks its really hard to get done.... 

Ugh...I have no idea why she is fighting it so hard...

Second point of argument...

Apparently my MIL and her are going to come and stay with me and my dad for 2 weeks from the first day the baby is born. They are planning to drive down and stay the full 2 weeks...

I pointed out A without the shot no they weren't. And B that I would really like that first week to be just for me and DH and baby. DH isn't going to get a lot of time when the baby is born...only a week so I would like him to get that first week uninterrupted by others. Not to mention I would like the week to heal and get into my "mommy skin" kinda deal.

 Apparently all this makes me unreasonable, and its why she hates dealing with city people (her and dh grew up in a town of 2000 spread out, there little area only has 50,) and it must be a city people thing asking and putting restrictions on it.

Sigh. Sorry had to find out if i'm being unreasonable for wanting the first week to DH and I. Since that first week will b the only time he sees the baby for the first 1.5 months of the baby's life in person anyway.  And the shot..which is currently being offered for free in most places, and no more then like 40 bucks in others. 

Lilypie Maternity tickers

Re: Am I wrong?

  • You are not wrong.  I can see how the shot is somewhat controversial, but if there is an outbreak in your area, I think your request is reasonable.

     As for wanting one week alone for just the two of you, they are jerks for making you feel bad about that.  It is totally normal, especially if your DH will be gone for a while after that.  Stop letting yourself be guilted and just lay down the rules and end the discussion.  You don't have to negotiate with your baby. 

  • I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. You are the mommy and she should respect your wishes. Also, you all need time as a family before you have people staying with you. Plus, you won't feel like hosting anyone for awhile. I hope your sister will be a little bit more flexible.
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  • I think your request is fair. As for them staying with you they need to respect your wishes! Its your baby/family you are definatley not asking too much with this at all...sucks you have to be stressing about that!

     

    btw...what province are you in? I havent heard of this illness...in Saskatchewan.

  • I don't think you are being unreasonable on either situation. You're the mom, you get to make the decisions! I too am requiring anyone who visits early on, especially in the hospital that they get the shot. There isn't even an outbreak in my area but I would rather be safe than sorry. And as far as wanting the first week to be just you, DH and baby...that's the way it should be. And since DH is going to be going for an extended period of time, he deserves some uninterrupted time with baby! Good luck!
  • imageebswhite81:

    I think your request is fair. As for them staying with you they need to respect your wishes! Its your baby/family you are definatley not asking too much with this at all...sucks you have to be stressing about that!

     

    btw...what province are you in? I havent heard of this illness...in Saskatchewan.

    British Columbia. Pertussis (aka whooping cough) is brutal, I watched my one cousin have it 3 times before the age of 4 because his mom refused to get them vaccinated, and he was on so many meds and so sick im not risking it with my LO 

    Lilypie Maternity tickers
  • You are not being unreasonable at all.  It's your baby.  You are in charge of protecting your baby.  Therefore, you get to decide who gets to be around.  If someone refuses to get a vaccine, tough sh!t.  

    I think some people get offended when they're asked to get vaccinated because it makes them feel like they may be dirty or diseased or something.  I really have no other idea as to why people get all up in arms about it.  If I was that opposed to getting a vaccine, I just wouldn't visit.  Easy peasy.  First, I bet if you offered to pay for the shot, she still wouldn't get one, so that argument is just BS.  Second, it takes 15 minutes in and out the door to get said shot, so again, another invalid argument.  Third, you are not forcing anyone to get a vaccine.  You asked them to.  It's their choice if they refuse.

    As far as guests, I'm totally on your side with this one.  The only people you need to have around you when you get home are the ones you are comfortable crying in front of, bleeding in front of, leaking milk in front of, and just being a sleep-deprived new mom in front of.  That, for me, is just DH, and possibly my mom.  These are moments you will never get back.  How does your husband feel about it?  Is he taking your concerns into consideration?

    DD: 6/30/09. Mild pre-e DS: 9/5/10. Normal pregnancy Diagnosed 6/4/12 with dermatomyositis. Currently on Prednisone and IVIG therapy. 9/11/12: Normal a/s for DS2. No side effects from my medication, yay! DS2: 1/28/13. Thankful for healthy children! Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker image
  • I also requested that our family get a flu vaccine and tDap. My side of the family had already had them both! Every single person is already vaccinated. Love it! DH's side didn't respond, so I guess they'll be finding out at the hospital if I was serious or not. :) I didn't allow visitors at my house with the first baby and I won't this time either. Not many people want to deal with visitors right after giving birth. I'm sure if they really want to see you and the baby, they will get over it and come later. Stand your ground!
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  • Nope, I hear you on both counts.  I am struggling with whether or not to ask baby visitors to get the Tdap (mostly because there hasn't been much of an outbreak around my area), but if the people who are pitching the fit are planning on staying with you for an extended period of time, then they absolutely need to get it.  No questions asked.  Seeing as there has been a major outbreak and several infant deaths from it in your area, I don't think you are being unreasonable.  Your baby's health and well-being is way more important than pissing a few people off.

    But your second point is spot-on.  I don't plan on having anyone besides our immediate family see the baby within the first two weeks.  My own mother even told me she wasn't planning on staying with us for any period of time because "you aren't going to want to have people around right away; it will drive you nuts."  She would stay with us if I asked her to, but I was pleasantly surprised that she was all about respecting our boundaries.

    Do you really even want your MIL and SIL staying with you at all?  It is weird, and more than a little intrusive, that they decided they were going to come stay with you without your asking.

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  • So let me get this straight. You're asking people who will be around your baby for extended periods of time to get a simple vaccine (as long as they're not allergic, etc) which could save your LO's life, and you're asking people who are coming to help you to please come when it suits your schedule best and not theirs. And you're being unreasonable? Um, yeah, I think you should roll your eyes, stick to your guns, and tell them they're welcome to come visit after your DH has to go back to work and if they've had the vaccine because you'd appreciate the help. Otherwise, you'll see them this summer once LO has had his vaccines.

    BFP1: DD1 born April 2011 at 34w1d via unplanned c/s due to HELLP, DVT 1 week PP
    BFP2: 3/18/12, blighted ovum, natural m/c @ 7w4d
    BFP3: DD2 born Feb 2013 at 38w4d via unplanned RCS due to uterine dehiscence

  • Me and my boyfriend both got the shot two weeks ago. We asked a few family members to get it some gave a little more resistance but they all did it in the end. My mother, step father, father and his mother. SIL already had it because she works in the medical field It may cost a bit but they can think of it as a gift to your baby. There is no cost to high to prevent the loss of a child. If they don't feel the same way then they don't need to be around the baby.
    BabyFruit Ticker
  • I agree with everyone else... you are the parent, you make these decisions. 

    I definitely think asking people who will be around the baby for more than a short period of time to get the pertussis vaccine is extremely reasonable.  I think it's great that you're sticking to your guns and told them they would NOT be visiting without it.  A few things though:

    1) Where is your DH on this?  You need to get him involved, since this is his sister, his mother.  If it comes from him, they might take that as "the final say" in it.  He needs to be vocal in this too.

    2) If it's partly a question of money, perhaps you and your DH could offer to pay for at least your SIL and MIL (since they are supposed to stay with you).  Then they can only complain about taking, what, 20 minutes out of their day to get it?  And if they can't do that for your LO, then they don't deserve to see him, IMO.

    Like I said, stick to this.  I have been also having major resistance from my family for getting the flu and tdap vaccine, but we finally compromised on those who aren't getting it will wear a medical mask.  And this is fine for me, since none of them will be staying with us for more than a few hours, then they all go back home.  But believe me, both me and DH were completely shocked that my family fought so hard on something that seems so trivial to us.  You're not alone.

    Lilypie Pregnancy tickers image image
  • Wow. She sounds like a total *** and the LAST person you need around you for 2 weeks after baby. What does DH say about this? IMO it his his job to talk to her for you at this point and just tell her and his mom the way it is going to be. You have enough to worry about. Sorry you are dealing with this!
    Jen
    Mom to Ava 12.21.04 and Austin 10.22.06
    BFP 12/5/11...natural m/c 12/23/11 Pregnancy Ticker
  • We have also asked our parents and my brother to get the vaccine. Everyone has either gotten it, or they are getting it shortly. I don't think you're being unreasonable. If these people are going to stay with you, they should really consider your wishes. If they don't, I agree with what previous posters have said--tell they you will see them after LO has been vaccinated.
    Lilypie - (KNqh)
  • I think you are perfectly reasonable. If she does not want to get it, that is her choice, But it is your choice to limit her exposure to the baby until the baby can be vaccinated. And asking them to wait a week is also fine and very normal. 

     

    We are so thankful that our second daughter, Lillian Elizabeth "Lily", was born healthy and happy on February 11, 2013.  We love her to pieces.  

    We lost our first daughter, Hannah Grace on May 4, 2011.  She was buried on May 14 during a beautiful service at my home church. We are grateful that if she could not be here with us, that she is healed and whole with the Lord. We look forward to the day when we will get to meet her. We love her so much.


  • We also have a pertussis outbreak in the area I live in.  I have asked all family that plan on staying with us to get the shot and no one has had an issue with it.  It's not a big deal and it takes about 2 seconds to get the shot.

    As far as having company, just tell them to hold off for a week or two if that's what you want.  It's your job to set boundaries and tell them what you want/need.  If they get upset at any of your requests then that's their issue and they will surely get over it.

    Good Luck! 

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  • No, however whenever someone becomes a mom and makes decisions to protect them bumpers, bf vs. ff, the like others become super sensitive like you are saying they weren't as good of a mom bec/ they didn't do that. Is that true? Absolutely not, but as the mom, your decisions about how thus child will be raised start now and font let anyone bully you into anything you don't feel comfortable with!

    You do not need anyone camped out at your house when you first get home, especially if you are planning to bf. you will be tired, bit in a normal schedule of any kind, and well if you don't want them there, then really that's all that matters!

    I plan to tell my BFF she cannot come with her entire family the day I come home from the hospital to visit for 3 days, even if she stays in a hotel. I don't know what she's thinking! I was in board with her being here, but then she mentioned bringing her dh boys, wth?
  • You are not unreasonable AT ALL.  I'm not huge on vaccines, but I made sure that my Tdap was recent enough and told DH, ILs and my parents that they all need to have an updated Tdap shot.  No one complained (except DH, buster).  

    Also, I have the same rule for that first week.  If someone wants to drop by for 20-30 minutes and bring food or do some dishes, they're more than welcome.  Everyone's fine with it except my mom.  She lives 1500 miles away and isn't invited to come stay until at least a week after baby arrives.
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  • Glad to know I wasn't being unreasonable. I have OCD and sometimes when it comes to worrying I can go a little far so I wanted to make sure this wasn't the case of OCD meets pregnancy hormones!

    DH is totally with me! He has the same policy I do, that if your only going to see the baby once in a blue moon, no need, but if your planning on staying with us or being active around the baby then you need the shot. His sister riled up his parents (we ended up being on the phone for 3 hours listening to them about it) and he who is the more passive of the two of us jumped right in  and explained that it was our decision not mine alone, that he did research and studied it with his work and he fully wants everyone to get it, or they wont be allowed to handle LO and if its really a problem then they can see LO 3-6 months down the line in person or skype before that.

    Not to mention, when his mother went on about how its a city person thing, and how he never would have had problems before me and he never got upset with them. He stepped up and defended me without hesitation, and even his dad got in there and essentially told her to stop,that he had no problem now that he understood the difference between the flu shot and the Tdap shot. ( I love my FIL he is a voice of reason between his mother and sister)

    When SIL complained that it would cost her money, FIL told her to zip it, she's making 26 dollars/hr and living with them rent and food bill free so she could get the shot and stop acting like a spoiled *&*** or she could start paying them rent, food, and paying them for looking after her pets while shes away at camp.  Or get rid of them since he was tired of looking after them anyway.

    So the IL's are going to get it,  SIL is still refusing and calling me unreasonable. I told her to wait till she had kids and then we would talk again.

    Thank you Ladies for all your input. A couple members of my families ocd is so bad they need medication or other help with it. And I am simply trying through self monitoring to keep it from getting that bad. So all your help is really and truly appreciated <3 

    Lilypie Maternity tickers
  • You are not wrong nor are you unreasonable at all. I am forcing anyone who wants any contact with the baby whatsoever within the first 2 months to get the shot. I already told me parents and my husband's family that they are not welcome around the baby without it.

    As far as not wanting visitors I dont think its unreasonable either. My husband and I decided no one would be at the hospital and that we would allow visitors in small doses. As far as I see it, its my kid and my choice how to handle this process and it doesnt matter what anyone other than my husband thinks. Do what you feel is best for you, your child and your family because I'm sure that these will not be the only things the in laws will get pushy about through your child's life.

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