Were you an "accident" ...

brightning

... and if so, does that affect your parenting?

I was - as were ALL of my siblings - and I know it affects me. It's silly that I think about it as often as I do, but I know it shaped my personality. I was made to feel guilty and in the way as a child. I'm doing my best to include DD in everything and always make her feel wanted and loved. I'm just trying to be a deliberate, informed parent and be conscious that my words/actions affect her. It just kills me sometimes to think that if my mom had been more careful, she wouldn't have ANY of her children.

(I know that not all "oops" babies were treated as I was, and this certainly isn't intended to flame anyone, I just always think about this topic as the holidays approach.)

emiliemadison

I'm so sorry that you were made to feel guilty over something that wasnt your fault. I have a feeling that the way they treated you and your siblings (all of them were oopsies? uhhh....) isnt because you were an accident, but because your parents were insensitive jerks.?

My mom was charting to get pregnant with me and 2 of my siblings. One of my sisters was an oops (condom broke and yes, TMI from my mom!) and the other one was conceived when my dad rescheduled his vasectomy because he had a cold. Ha! And my parents never treated those siblings any differently than the ones they planned out in advance. In fact, I'm fairly certain they dont know they were oopsies.?

I planned both of my kids, but never gave much thought to how I parent them because of it. Sometimes when I'm having a rough day I think "And I signed up for this! GRRRR!" But no, I dont think me being the product of a planned pregnancy has impacted my parenting at all.?

docmay25

I was an oops, but not made to feel like it.  Actually, I didn't know it until I got pg with my DD and my mom told me I wasn't planned.  It doesn't really bother me because my parents were married and just had a night where they didn't think about it.

gracendantho26

I was a HUGE oopsie. And yes I could feel the stress from my mom.

 

edited to add I was a 3rd born and my mom said the only planned one was my brother.

goodhartedmommy

I can't imagine telling my kid they were an accident. Obviously not every child is planned, our third certainly wasn't, but accident has such a negative connotation to it. "Surprise" is the word we use. I would be affected by your situation as well.

mags2041

I was definitly an "oops" baby - I was conceived during my parents' first year of medical school.  Never once have they ever implied that they regretted having me, only that they regretted having me when they did.  I was in daycare or with a nanny for most of the time and we were very very poor and I think my mom still feels guilt about that.  Later when they divorced they said that being in med school and being married with a kid was a definite strain on their relationship, but I was never made to feel like it was my fault.

marrymemylove

I was definitely an accident. My mum was just graduated from grad school and not married. My dad was about to head overseas for his training (hoping she'd marry him and go too). I was born very sick so she stayed and they broke up.

I guess I've known it on some level since I was a teenager, I never thought about it before that at all, honestly.

It doesn't bother me in the slightest. I admire that she didn't dump me in an institution (as the best Drs at the time advised) and that she has worked so hard in her life and largely forgone a lot of her own space, time and career because of not only me but the family structure I led to (she became reliant on her parents for childcare and then became the one to care for them the rest of their lives).

My best friend from high school was a New Year oops baby born exactly 39 weeks after NYE :-) She always thought that was cool, until she was 13 and it was embarrassing to think of one's parents letting loose for NYE lol!

Being loved was never an issue in the house I grew up in. Really I think the only impact on my parenting is that I've realised how important grandparents can be. I am hoping that my mum will retire or go part time in a year or so and spend more time with DS. She never got to with me because she was always working or I was sick in hospital for months. On the one hand she missed out on a lot of the hard work, on the other hand of course she doesn't even know how hard it would have been so she misses having missed it. And it would be easier for a grandparent because you get to give the kid back, so I would like to try to give her back something. ?If she worked 1-2 days a week or had hours ending before 3pm she would like to pick DS up from school and hang out until we're home from work. I think that would be ideal because I don't want to give up my career, my work is never going to be part time, and I don't like the idea of after school care. So being able to come home with gran seems ideal.

Really that's all I take from my situation, not really related to being an accident directly but that was the reason I grew up with SAH grandparents.?

belle204

I don't know if I was an accident. But I do know my mom was in love with this guy my grandmother hated. Then she met my dad (douchebag he is) and got married right out of h.s. and had me the next April. I'm pretty sure she did it all to get away from my grandmother and she regrets not taking a cheer scholarship and going to school like she planned. She said many hurtful things to me growing up & I've always kind of felt like I ruined her life in a way even though I had nothing to do with it. I try very hard not to make Amarah ever feel like that even though she wasn't planned. That's so awful for a parent to do.

hero

I was an accident. My parents met with a genetic counselor and had decided not to have kids. My parents never made me feel like I wasn't wanted or loved.

#6

I wasnt but my older sister and younger brother were.  My mom got married because she got pg with my sister at 20.  When she was about 18months old my mom and dad were ttc and got pg with me.  When I was around 9 months old my mom got pg with my brother by accident.  (well, you know what I mean, not being careful enough)  Then when she told my dad he left.  They were divorced a few months after Jarrett was born.  My mom wanted to wait until after he was born just to make sure my dad was sure.  It could have been done before he was born but she wante to give my dad a chance. (in case he just had cold feet about having 3 kids so early in their marriage.

 

Future Mrs. Hogan

I was an oops! All of us were. I have two sisters.. I was never made to feel like I was though, I just knew that I was once I got older and figured it out. DD was a huge surprise too and although I'm sure she'll figure it out later. I never even think about it and I will never be like "you were an accident" or anything like that. She was the greatest surprise ever! I'm sorry that your mom makes you feel the way you do though!

mags2041

OMG... I can't imagine a parent making their child feel guilty for being born.  To those of you whom that happened to, my heart goes out to you.  That really makes me so so sad for you.

brightning

mags2041:

OMG... I can't imagine a parent making their child feel guilty for being born.  To those of you whom that happened to, my heart goes out to you.  That really makes me so so sad for you.

No pity parties! What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

Mrs.Saxy

yes I was an "accident"; no it doesn't affect me.

mags2041

brightning:

mags2041:

OMG... I can't imagine a parent making their child feel guilty for being born.  To those of you whom that happened to, my heart goes out to you.  That really makes me so so sad for you.

No pity parties! What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

Oh, I know you weren't  throwing a pity party... I just can't imagine a parent doing that!

Mrs.LB705

Actually, DH and I both were . . . sort of!!  He was a typical accident: his sibs are 11 and 13 years older, and one day his mom just realized she was late--very very late, and voila!  She was unexpectedly PG with him!  They always joked about it while we were growing up, but he was never made to feel badly about it!

I, on the other had, was a DIFFERENT kind of oops!  My mom was 34 weeks PG and had just gone out on maternity leave, when her water broke.  She went to the hospital, where she surprisingly delivered, not one, but TWO little baby girls!  Talk about a shock!!

 Linda = )

Sulla

I was an oops. A prevented one, even!

 But it was always just kind of a joke and never had an heavy implications, because I was a welcome oops. I have four older brothers, so I'm just lucky I was  a girl!

wellfleet04

I wasn't, but my brother was.  My parents were going to have another kid, just not when they did (18.5 months after me when they were dirt poor already).  He has no idea and my mom only told me when I was much older (like 25).

Susie2005

The quote I always got was "you weren't an accident, you were just a little sooner than planned".  My brother is 21 months older than me.  I actually don't think it's that close together;  I know lots of people who have kids much closer in age, but that's just not exactly what they had planned.

I was never made to feel unwanted or unloved.  (Although, my brother always liked to tease me that I was an "accident".)

kjr

I was an oops baby, but I was never made to feel bad about it.  My parents joke about it, but really they joke that none of their 4 kids were planned.

It hasn't affected the way I raise my son, because it never really affected me.  It did, however, make me think that most people just get pregnant and don't really plan it.  I just assumed when I was younger that one day I would turn up pregnant.  lol
But the older I got, the more I realized it isn't really that way for everyone!

runnergirl79

Well, I never really looked at it like I was an "accident".  I know I definitely was not planned (I was a honeymoon baby), and I know I've been told my dad was pretty freaked out that my mom was pregnant with me, but my mom said she was thrilled.  She told me she had always wanted to have children, and had been told by doctors she could not get pregnant, so I guess in that respect I have felt wanted or accepted by my parents.

 

Rebekah1021

yes I was. As a matter of fact, the only one that was planned was my little brother. There are 4 of us. My parents treated us all the same. It was only after we became adults did we find out.

My mom has said that she feels like she should have had one more, but didn't get the chance.

annak23

I wasn't, though my sister is 4 years older & my mom said she miscarried 2 babies inbetween my sister & I.  So if she had had those 2 other children, I probably would have not been born! She said dad & her only wanted 2 kids.

mommyof4boys

Yea, my parents got drunk and threw away the bcp's.  9.5 months later I was born; I was 2 weeks late.  I only found out when I had to talk to both my mom and his mom about their fertility history for the RE's office.

AZ_Erica

My sister was an accident.  After spending 10 years and some fertility drugs to get pregnant my mom finally got pregnant with twins (my bro and I) and spent the 7 months she was pregnant on bed rest.  The doctor told her DO NOT get pregnant again.  Well something failed, not sure what and they had my sister.  I don't remember when we found out but they never kept it a secret from us.  They never treated my sister any differently though, she was definitely a gift from God.

jaredswife

I was not an accident, but an early surprise.  My parents always planned on having another child, just not at the time that I came. 

It doesnt change how I parent. 

stcroixbride

my parents only RECENTLY explained the circumstances.  I THOUGHT I was an "oops" because my mom kept telling me "I was on birth control"

Turns out she had just gone off and they were going to start trying - so I was just slightly sooner than planned!

FWIW, I was an only child.