Don't know how to handle this situation..advice please

mamayo26

I am posting this because I have been thinking about this for almost 6 months and have not come to a conclusion on how best to handle this situation...I am also posting so that I can be sensitive to this person when I see her in 3 weeks.

I am going to an appointment in three weeks and will see a woman who has miscarried multiple times. The last time I saw her was almost a year ago she was almost 12 weeks pregnant at the time, and I was almost in my third trimester. She said when I came back I had to bring the baby in to visit...it is a very friendly office. 

Anyway, I bring the baby to the appointment and she isn't there...very unusual since she is always there that day...half way through DH's appointment (we had back to back appointments) I learn that she went into labor and her daughter was stillborn. I felt just awful for her. She is the sweetest woman and that weekend was supposed to be her baby shower.

So now I am going to see her and I am not sure how she is or what (if anything) I should say. I'm sure she knows that I had a healthy baby and I don't want to rub that in her face, but I don't want her to think it is odd if I don't mention it or keep steering the conversation away from it...I don't want to upset her...what do you think is my best option? She really is the sweetest woman, I just haven't had to handle this until now...what would you do? 

jess9802

This is a tough one, since it sounds like you are not friends and do not have a close personal relationship with her, but instead know her through her job. I am sure it is very hard for her to face questions about her baby while working, especially if she doesn't have the ability to go some place private if she needs a moment to cry and then compose herself. On the other hand, I think you must acknowledge her loss - it is a kind and decent thing to do.

My gut instinct would be to buy a card and write her a handwritten note expressing your sympathy for her loss and let her know that you are keeping her in your thoughts and prayers. Check out the sticky on the Loss board for advice on what (not) to say to a friend/acquaintance who has suffered pregnancy loss. You can discreetly give her the card when you see her, and that will give her the ability to read it in private when she has the time.

hopefulmom81

It is very thoughtful of you to be concerned about all of this.

I had 2 miscarriages pre-DD (just giving some background on why I am answering) so I have been a part of the loss community for a few years and have a dear friend In Real Life that lost her son to stillbirth at 39 weeks pregnant.

The worst thing you could do is to say nothing.  The second worst thing you could do, like PP said, would be to offer some platitude like, "everything happens for a reason" or "it is God's will".  So many people approach those of us with losses with these AWFUL and hurtful sayings.

I would suggest writing a card to her and saying something like, "I am so sorry for the loss of (insert daughter's name here, if you need to talk/cry/vent, please don't hesitate to reach out to me".  Always use her daughter's name, if you know it.

They have some lovely miscarriage/stillbirth cards on etsy.

I would not bring your baby up, but if she asks, answer honestly.

GL 

vjmc21

Hi there! I spent over a year on the miscarriage/pregnancy loss board 2 years ago due to a few miscarriages. During that time, a friend's baby died, so I tried to pay attention to posts like yours to be more sensitive to her. From what I gathered, unless she personally asks you to bring your baby, do not bring your baby. As far as talking about your child, you should let her be your guide. If she asks questions, feel free to answer, but you probably shouldn't go on and on about it and make sure your answers can?t be taken as complaining in any way. She?d give anything to be in your shoes and she's probably only asking about your baby to be polite, anyway.

I did notice that a lot of women posted about it being painful when their babies weren't acknowledged, but those posts were usually about family and friends ignoring a loss. It seems from your post that you have a professional, not personal, relationship with this woman, so you may want to tread lightly if you decide to bring up her loss. I suppose I would offer my condolences at the end of the appointment, that way she would have an easy out if she didn't want to talk about it with you.

It's really nice of you to consider how she may be feeling. I'm sorry for her loss.

 

LoveOfMikesLife

First I think it's great that you are trying to handle this with sensitivity.

Tell her you are sorry for her loss and that it sucks! Don't give any reasoning for why it happened. Ask her what her baby's name is and use it. We love when other people say their name. If she wants to talk about it be a good listener. It's ok for you to cry. 

If possible don't bring your baby. However if she asks then you may talk about him and even show some pictures. Try to follow her cues. If you aren't sure of what to say or if something is "ok" to ask or talk about, ask her. But please don't get upset if she says she isn't ready or that she doesn't want to talk about something. It's a really painful place to be.