J&A

Phantomgirl

J&A2008:

Phantom, what I'm not comfortable with is you and mom2one making needless judgments on SMs who want to be involved.

mom2one, it's not the same as a SD coaching a team a BF wants to coach. It might be the same as a SD coaching a sport BF knows nothing about and has no ability to coach.

Jobal isn't preventing BM from doing anything. Whether or not Jobal takes the position, bm isn't going to fill in.

I'm not going to have to have the puppies and rainbows chat with you, am I?!?

I have no problem with SMs being involved (obviously as I am one) BUT I'll question why if I feel there could be other motivating factors. We are all human after all and sometimes if you are dealing with a BM like Job is (and I am at present) it can be tempting to seize an opportunity to 'show her'.  Trust me I know!!

I wouldn't questions you about joining the PTA because I see no other motivating
factors.

Isn't that what this board is about? Having all sides of the story pointed out to
you. Sometimes people genuinely cannot see the woods for the trees when you
factor in anger and resentment. 

When something hits a nerve or close to home it is easy to accuse the other person of being a bully or judgemental but maybe it is just impartiality.

Obviously any mention of limiting a SMs involvement hits a nerve for you and
understandably so.

We all come to this board with our personal experiences and they differ immensely, here is how I see mine...

On a scale of 1 - 10, with one being SM (married to the dad) and 10 being mom (in every sense of the word) I am at about a two / three.  Not because I don't love my SS BUT because he does not need a mom figure in his life. BM is active, involved and participating.  Because of my acceptance of that I have a great
relationship with my SS and manage to get a long with her most of the
time.  If I tried to push for more of a say in decision making or the ?mom role' it would encroach on BM and probably damage my relationship with both her and SS.  I also happen to like my role as SM because, while I am an adult authority figure in my home, I get to be SS friend and advisor without being the disciplinarian or rule setter.

On ?my scale' I see you as being a much needed 10 for your boys.  I genuinely see you as mom in every sense of the word. 

I totally get that it is not always so black and white.  I have no idea what I would do if BM was the type of mom that was involved but making a mess of it.  I would
certainly feel the need to step in and take on more which would cause the push
and pull that we see with Job and Holly and several more on this board who deal with BMs like that.  However that is not my experience so I can't say for sure how I would handle it BUT I can questions the motivations behind pushing forward.  J&A you have been around here long enough to know it is not always in the best interest of the kids!!!

Have you thought any more or has any progress been made on the adoption?  I'll be the first to raise my glass the day it happens! 

I value Mom2one opinion because she is a great mom to her kids and gets along fine with the SM.  I kinda see her as the person on this board to bounce ideas off and she is not afraid to tell me if I am wrong lol.

 

Littlejen22

I figured I would put my 2cents here although I have not read the lost in a while including this post from JA.

I don't know how I feel about her taking the position because like Phantom I do not think she can say that no part of her wants to do it to say screw you. And I don't think it is best for her family if she has a genuine concern that SD can be ripped from her school out of anger at the SM's decision. Unfortunately as Moms and SMs we have to do what is right for out kids and even though I understand why she wants to do it for other good reasons I cannot agree with doing something that is very likely going to make it way worse for her SD and even worse for her DD since from the last post it is clearly affecting her DD too, and if her DD continues to be caught in the crossfire and resent her stepfather because it is about his daughter.

It sucks that your DH's ex can have control over your life but that is the situation, and being a Mom means we don't always get to do what we want but if I knew it would make something worse for my family I would pass.

And this is not about being a SM or BM at all to me.

CFjo2010

Littlejen22:

I figured I would put my 2cents here although I have not read the lost in a while including this post from JA. I don't know how I feel about her taking the position because like Phantom I do not think she can say that no part of her wants to do it to say screw you. And I don't think it is best for her family if she has a genuine concern that SD can be ripped from her school out of anger at the SM's decision. Unfortunately as Moms and SMs we have to do what is right for out kids and even though I understand why she wants to do it for other good reasons I cannot agree with doing something that is very likely going to make it way worse for her SD and even worse for her DD since from the last post it is clearly affecting her DD too, and if her DD continues to be caught in the crossfire and resent her stepfather because it is about his daughter. It sucks that your DH's ex can have control over your life but that is the situation, and being a Mom means we don't always get to do what we want but if I knew it would make something worse for my family I would pass. And this is not about being a SM or BM at all to me.

Hang on. 

First of all, when I got involved with the PTA last year BM was nowhere to be seen.  She had zero involvement.  It was only until she found out that different Board positions were being offered to me that she decided she suddenly cared and wanted to be involved.  Other parents even made comments that BM's sudden desire to be involved was just a "screw you" to me.  Especially when her first "order of business" was trying to ban stepparents from volunteering at the school (this was before she found out DD was transferring in the Fall).  Then she wanted to change around dates of different events so that DH couldn't take K.  My involvement with the PTA has never been about her, it has been about the kids. 

Secondly, none of these positions have ever been offered to her.  It's not as though the President position was originally offered to BM and now suddenly I'm saying that I want to do it.  Even if BM wanted it, she can't do it.  Her position as Treasurer is a 2 year term so she's unable to run for any other positions until after next school year.  The current President and other Board members have been approaching me since last school year trying to get me to take Board positions.  I declined in the past because I was pregnant, not because of BM.  My desire to be President has nothing to do with BM.  In fact, I wish that W had never told me that BM threatened to quit because I know that some people are going to assume I took the position to edge her out.  If I take the position, I genuinely hope that BM doesn't quit the position and that she has a sincere interest in bettering the school and doing more for the students.  But if she chooses to quit, that's because of her own immaturity and inability to be civil.  Neither if which is my fault.

BM is a bully.  What do we teach our kids when dealing with bullies?  We teach them to stand up for themselves and not to back down.  So why should I let a bully stop me from doing something that I want to do?  Again, I'm not "stealing" the position from her or deliberately running against her.  It has been offered to me by other Board members.  So for the next 11 years (until K is 18) I'm supposed to keep my head down and not make waves?  I'm supposed to essentially live in fear of BM's wrath and meltdowns?  I'm sorry, but that's no way to live.  I would never allow my children to live that way, and I'm not going to set that kind of example for them. 

Littlejen22

I know you are not taking it from her and I know that BM is a spiteful B and I feel horrible for K and for hat the rest of you are going through. And I really think you are a great Mom and SM. but you basically said this will cause WWIIi and you think she will pull K out of the school. I get what you are saying about bullies but if you genuinely think this will cause a big deal for K then I think it is a bad decision.

J&A2008

I think the questions you and mom2one were asking were irrelevant and rude.

Jobal and anyother stepparent, bioparent, etc. should be able to contribute to their children's education without their motives being questioned, and it seems really wrong to discourage any parents from helping out a cause as noble as the PTA.

I don't know how things are in Ireland, Phantom, but the PTAs/PTCs I've been involved in have been in desperate need of help!  I was at a meeting last night and there were so few parents.   Even more needed are qualified people to run the organizations, who are even fewer and farther between.

As jobal said in her initial post, the BM in her situation is not able to take the position being offered to jobal.  Jobal's giving to the PTC does not inhibit BM's ability to contribute unless BM continues to act like a p!ssy toddler.

Personally, I think there's a bit of civic duty required, and those parents with the time and capability should step up.  I help out where and when I can, but I have the utmost respect for those parents who are contributing to the school by putting in hours each week to make our community stronger and our school better equipped.

I'm not sure why you're making this so much of a SM issue.  Perhaps you feel a bit of guilt because you could be doing more for SS's school?  I don't know.  I think it's silly to try to psychoanalzye each other.

Phantomgirl

No guilt here, no interest either. I work 8.30 - 5pm and drive 30 miles each way.

So about the adoption? Are you purposely avoiding the question?

If so just say and ill stop asking.

J&A2008

You have a PM