Can't think of a title!!!

Phantomgirl

I think I cut DH way to much slack. In fact I would say I enable him to be a sh!t father.

BUT he works!!! This is where my problem lies. DH works hard all the time. He does not drink or go to bars or do anything 'wrong'. If he is not around it is because he is working!!!

He left at 4.30am didn't get him till 9pm last night. So that left me with SS and the cousins. It was fine but sometimes I can't help but think 'why does it always fall to me?'.

SS is thrilled with his new phone. He had such a good evening but his dad wasn't there. AND I bought the phone, organised everything including card and cake, pizza everything.

Last night after everyone went to bed I hung banners and set the table for bday breakfast. I even left out what was for breakfast so we could have breakfast with DH before he left. It was lovely BUT otherwise he would have just left.

Anyhow SS has football now and BM is collecting him. SS had a lovely time and got what he wanted BUT DH did nothing and BM would be right to say that.

On the other hand he had a great time and got everything he wanted. Does me doing it count as from 'us'.

SS said to me yesterday eve 'am I even going to get to see dad?'.

I have mixed feelings about this. Like I said DH was at work and he knows ill take care of it so its not like he slacked off OR let his bday pass.

I guess I can see BMs point and ours.

O and I just met BM sister and we chatted as normal. Again I choose to remain neutral. I swear I should get a Nobel peace prize!!!

Ilumine

Have you told DH this?  What does he say?

FutureMrsWittig

Phantomgirl:

It was fine but sometimes I can't help but think 'why does it always fall to me?'. 

I swear I should get a Nobel peace prize!!!

I ask myself this almost weekly.  For me the answer is that I'm kind of  a control freak.  If SD wants to play a sport, for example, my H will probably get her signed up and he will probably figure out a way to get her to practices and games.  But he will probably also wait until the very last day to sign her up, or he'll forget and we'll have to pay an additional fee in addition to the registration fee.  And then he'll wait until the day before or the day of to arrange transportation so we are scrambling to find someone to drive.

I hate this about my husband.  And it's one of the things I really didn't notice until we lived together, which we only did for about 6 weeks before our wedding day.

And I agree.  Successful blending is definitely peace-prize-worthy!

Littlejen22

It counts as "us" but not as his father giving a crap to see him his birthday weekend and you parenting does not make up for his father being absent and leaving him with his stepMom. I think it is great that you and SS have such a good relationship, and some will disagree with my comment, but why does your DH even bother taking visitation if he will not spend time with him anyway? And of course when he goes home and all he talks about is you his BM thinks DH is a POS that does nothing for him, remember she thinks you are great. I think you are a great StepMom but he does not need another Mom, he needs a Dad. I am not saying he is a POS but I from what you said I get why BM says so.

Does DH have to work from 4 until 9 or is he avoiding things at home? Could he have come home to see his son? Does he work this hard all the time or wait for when SS is there?

twister22

As a BM, I wouldn't count it from both of you, I'd count it from you. Of course, the BD in my situation only "does stuff" when he has a gf. Why don't you back down next time and see if DH actually DOES handle it? Why couldn't DH take a day off from work, or a half day, or at the very least leave a LITTLE early?

lily_721

This happens with us as well.  DH leaves at 5:45 for work, then has grad school M-Th, and has army the past two weekends.  I get the boys up every morning and make sure they have breakfast before school, pack lunches, take care of the dogs, pick up the house, and then leave for work. I deal with their homework, make dinner, etc. I buy the gifts, arrange the holidays, plan the parties. I take them to the doctor, deal with SS2 and his moodiness/crankiness and refusal to take his adhd/anger/depression medications.

I get that he is busy but so am I. I am 5 months pregnant. I make just as much money as he does. I am running the entire family show with guest appearances from DH. 

We had a heart-to-heart yesterday that he needs to find a way to spend more time with the boys.  He chose to have these kids and he needed to step up.  I am not their parent and shouldn't be the only parental figure in their lives.  He is having a dad and boy night tonight and I am going out with my friend. 

xmaryrickx

This is going to be harsh, but this is total BS. I get it your H works a lot. So does mine. 70 plus hours a week for the last 20 odd years. Leaves the house at 8am returns anywhere from 10 till after midnight. Has he been able to attend every single sporting event or boy scout thing? No. But be certain he would never ever ever miss his sons birthday. And he doesn't have a job where taking off weekends is acceptable. But for big things and birthday they can deal. His kids birthday is way more important.

It makes my heart hurt for your SS that his father is so totally disinterested. It was his birthday and he couldn't even take a few hours to be there. That's sad. And SS knows this. It hurts him. It is wonderful that you and SS have a close relationshiphe is very lucky to have you Phantom. Very. But why won't your husband get his head out of his azz? Why is he still so incredibly detached? It will get to a point that their relationship will not be able to be repaired. And that time isn't that far off.

ambrvan

For what it's worth, not being around cor his birthday is a MAJOR nono in my opinion. You have a great relationship with SS, and that is wonderful, but as in ANY family, a parent who puts work before family is not going to have a very good relationship with their children. Period.

You should definitely talk to YH about this. This is a family thing in general, not a step family problem or a you problem. Many families deal with this. Work is not a substitute for interaction in a child's eyes. There needs to be balance.

I wish you and your SS all the best. We dealt with this quite a bit in the beginning. DH worked and volunteered and was gone all the time. In the long wrong, all that volunteer work did us a lot of good the ambulance service is paying for his school completely right now, but it was no substitute for him actually being there. And it took him a little while to realize this. He did a complete 180 in aspects of how much time he spent with the kids, even before he went to school and was put out of work. Much better balance. Much happier SD.

fellesferie

I don't know.

Yes, I think missing the birthday thing is a major problem.

But also, I think that there are some contributing factors. YH, to an extent, has two households to support. BM is furious at him for his inability to provide the way he once did. You guys are trying to add a baby to your family. He must feel some pressure with his work. 

I'm a stay-at-home-mom and DH works. He works 7-3:45 every day but to an extent he is on call 24/7. DD's birthday is Jan 20 and DH has to work almost all day on Jan 19. If they needed him on the 20th, he would have to work. If that meant he had to stay there until 2am, that's what it would mean. DH does what they need because we have a nice income and nice life and he doesn't want to mess that up.

I am also the planner in our marriage. I order the birthday cakes, figure out the presents, sent out invites, make calls, etc. It frustrates me sometimes, and sure, it enables DH to not deal with it. But it's just part of the give and take of our relationship.

I hope YH is able to carve out some time for SS soon.

CFjo2010

I can see both sides of the argument here. I'm generally in the same boat as you on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I pick up K from school when I pick up DD and my husband doesn't get home from work until 6 or 7. There have been times where DH has had to go in to work on a Friday or Saturday and K stays with me and the kids. BM throws a fit about this and claims that DH isn't raising K, I am. And I guess I kind of see her point at times. But blended family life is not that black or white.

As Felles said, YH is essentially providing for 2 households and has to work. This same type of thing happens with intact families as well. I spend far more time with the baby than my husband does, so is he less of a father? No. Because bills don't pay themselves and as parents we make sacrifices. I think this would be a much bigger issue if SS only got to see YH once in awhile. SS is with you guys so frequently, it's not that big of a deal. Now if SS was only there once or twice a year, like my kids are with DC, this would be a HUGE deal and as a BM I woul be furious.

As a BM, there were years when I had to work on my kids' birthdays. There were years they didn't have a birthday party because my work and class schedule was too hectic. Does that make me a horrible mother? We did a family dinner because that's really all I could do. Mortgages don't pay themselves, gas doesn't magically appear in my gas tank and the Utility Fairies don't keep the water running and electricity on at the house.

You're a loving, caring and involved SM who genuinely has SS's best interests at heart. If you were some sort of evil horrible SM then I would say SS should just stay with BM, but that's clearly not the case. It's important for SK's to have a good relationship with their SPs and siblings, and the only way to develop and maintain good relationships is to spend time together.

Littlejen22

fellesferie:

I don't know.Yes, I think missing the birthday thing is a major problem.But also, I think that there are some contributing factors. YH, to an extent, has two households to support. BM is furious at him for his inability to provide the way he once did. You guys are trying to add a baby to your family. He must feel some pressure with his work.nbsp;I'm a stayathomemom and DH works. He works 73:45 every day but to an extent he is on call 24/7. DD's birthday is Jan 20 and DH has to work almost all day on Jan 19. If they needed him on the 20th, he would have to work. If that meant he had to stay there until 2am, that's what it would mean. DH does what they need because we have a nice income and nice life and he doesn't want to mess that up.I am also the planner in our marriage. I order the birthday cakes, figure out the presents, sent out invites, make calls, etc. It frustrates me sometimes, and sure, it enables DH to not deal with it. But it's just part of the give and take of our relationship. I hope YH is able to carve out some time for SS soon.

I think the major question is if has to work ous choosing to work that hard. Over the years there have definitely been times when he makes a real effort it seems and then others where what Phantom writes make me question if he only gets SS because he knows it is the right thing to do and not because he wants to raise his son.

fellesferie

Littlejen22:

I think the major question is if has to work ous choosing to work that hard. Over the years there have definitely been times when he makes a real effort it seems and then others where what Phantom writes make me question if he only gets SS because he knows it is the right thing to do and not because he wants to raise his son.

Yeah. I guess it's just with MH "having to work" is kind of a gray area. He probably would not get fired if he said he could not work because it was his child's birthday. But he would feel that he has to because he knows he's providing for our family. I know that MH sees his work as something he does for the family.

So I am just wondering if even if Phantom's H chooses to spend extra time at work, whether it is something he believes he is doing for SS. Don't get me wrong--I think it was the wrong choice. But it's a common mistake.

Phantomgirl

Hi sorry to post and run earlier.

About DHs work. Some of you will remember that DH lost his business almost three years ago. He had 22 employees at the time, it almost killed him. He owned a kitchen manufacturing company, which was really badly hit after the building implosion in Ireland.

Long story short he is semi back up and running on a much smaller scale. However it is only him and three of his former guys.

Friday they were fitting a kitchen, utility room and full house of wardrobes.

He is doing a lot of the work himself, making them, selling them, fitting them. He is working long hours and after bills just about making a wage.

Part of the problem is he owns he factories and the equipment so those bills need to be paid regardless. Plus our mortgage and CS plus we want to have a family.

Yesterday took longer than expected but he couldn't walk off the job to come home. I get that.

However today I'm not sure what he was doing. He went in at 7.00 and came home at 8 to have breakfast with us and then was gone by 8.45 again we live 2 mins from the factory.

I wouldn't have posted about last night but I thought he was taking today off.

He came home at about 3.30 today and I was planning to talk to him about it but his first Q to me was did i get AF? I am due today and have all the ususl signs. i told him i was pretty sure i would today or tomorrow. He started hugging me and telling how greatful he is, how much me loves me and how he promises me that we will get pregnant this year because I deserve it.

Maybe he is freaked out that we may need IVF or something and he won't be able to afford it as we are making an appt to see a specialist on Monday.

BUT if you look at this from SS point of view, he tends to always draw the short stick. I think he should have made it a priority to do something with SS today. He was doing something with a generator but that could have waited so he didn't prioritise. In fact he didn't do anything.

We will have the day together tomorrow and I think I am going to approach it from a point of, SS is going to be a teen in two years. If DH does not step up his game SS will not want to come here when he is older. We live way out in the country side. He will not always be happy to come and hang out with me. That's a fact!

This is a lot of rambling but DH and I need to talk. We both obviously have fears at the moment.

Thank you all.

J&A2008

piffle42:

I think a lot of men automatically let things fall to their wives without really thinking about it. Families are run that way frequently and it's just the model they see most. Have you guys talked about how you feel? FTR I think you do an amazing job keeping it together, taking care of everything, and remaining neutral. I really hope YH appreciates all you do!

This sums up my thoughts as well, except that birthdays should always be an exception. 

+just+j+

Yeah, I think you need to stop doing so much for him. Start by giving him little assignments and jobs with these special events.  Tell him starting on such and such a day, he needs to start taking care of whatever responsibility you want to give him.

And then let him do it. He'll fail, and it will be really hard to just say, "Oh never mind, let me just do it then!".  Don't.  Let him figure it out on his own.

This is why I try to tell women here as much as possible to not do their husband's dirty work for them. Pretty soon you're doing everything and then you're resentful of it.  H is still expecting me to do his crap and it's a pain in the butt breaking him of it.