A much needed (long) vent about my MIL & Shower

JBDamonM

So - DH comes from a large, Irish Catholic family (and by large I mean only his immediate family. He's one of 5, all married with kids). Planning of my baby shower was a bit challenging due to size. Eventually my mom decided she'd host a shower for all of our friends and my family and invite DH's mom, sisters and nieces. My mom being a pushover even told my MIL she could invite a few friends, to which my mother in law said thank you.. And that was that. Even with this  there was still 50 people invited.

With just 12 weeks left, obviously the window for shower dates is getting smaller. Since DHs family sadly doesn't seem all to interested in the baby, and there is really only a few people not being included (aunts, cousins etc) and there has been NO mention by them on anything.  I just assumed they would not do a seperate shower. I was actually more than fine with this. They did one when I got married and no joke it was the worst experience ever. His sisters wouldn't sit with me, one of them left in the middle of gifts, they wouldn't help me with gifts, the room was full of people I did not even know and MIL didn't even use the guest list we gave her - which included DH"s friends wives, so some of them got left off.

Since we figured one shower, we actually put our nursery furniture on the registry. The hope was that since  DH's family = 9 of the 50 guests, he coupd put a bug in their ear to combine money and get some of the furniture. (Plus we also have received TONS of the big ticket items as hand me downs so we had registry space)... I apologize to anyone who thinks that's tacky - but they are getting away easy not having to do an event - AND I'd like to point out for each of his sisters, they combined their money and got them an $850 Bugg-A-Boo stroller (which no one has offered us as a hand me down even though they are done with them!) so it's really not that far off base. Obviously it wasn't a given, but it was nice to dream!

Well, not my crazy lieing mother in law claims she's throwing a shower. She also claims she told my mom this (LIE).......She has not said a lick to me about it, just mentioned it to DH. Wonder when she thinks this event is going to happen???

The real problem here - I GUARANTEE she won't do it. She's just flapping her mouth to look the part like she does with EVERYTHING. When she had my bridal shower - she gave me a card that said how two sets of china were on order as a gift, which I obviously oohed and ahhhed over big time - yeah, those never showed up. She does this shi* ALL.THE.TIME. Her saying this does nothing but add chaos to a time that's already chop full of to-do's and trying to get organized. Not to mention - once again,this will result in hurt and dissapointent for my DH which I am tired of (she said she'd pay for the flowers in our wedding, I took her to the florist to help pick, she never paid a dollar. She did the same thing with rehearsal dinner - and even after we cornered her on it and said we'd move it somewhere cheaper she insisted she had it - even sent out invites, and yeah, we wound up using our wedding money to pay that one off.)

I really thought we had a good grip on this, and now it appears yet again we're going to fall victim to her empty promises and manipulation.

No point to this post, but I had to get it out.

lovelyday39

Sorry that's a whole lot of crazy to deal with.

JBDamonM

clgsquared:

aren't showers meant to be a celebration of the baby?  an act of generosity perhaps?  and yet, because we are dealing with our families, plenty of us end up stressed and dreading the experience...which is NOT good for our babies!

Exactly!!!! and even getting to the point with my own mother on how to fairly do a guest list was a battle. Sometimes I really wish only one of us (me or DH) had our family local. It would make things a lot easier in some respects.

JBDamonM

lovelyday39:

Sorry that's a whole lot of crazy to deal with.

My mother in law defines crazycakes

Another example - she had to stay here a couple nights ago because she was scared to be alone. What's worse - she showed up with all of her silver china??? Convinced leaving it at home with no car in the driveway was an easy target for a robbery (although that part is not too far off given the post a few down on this today).....She then left all of the silver here. WTF. I have a baby to get ready for and my garage is full of all her crap from when she moved 2 months ago. I'm not a storage unit!!!!

TnArichmond

I definitely feel you on this. DH's (birth) mother is a complete @ss. She's a flake, and lies out her butt to make herself sound better. For our wedding she said she would go halves on the rehearsal dinner with DH's father. He ended up paying it all alone. She said she would buy the alcohol for the reception. DH and I ended up going to the liquor store BETWEEN the rehearsal and the dinner to buy it all ourselves because she didn't. She spent all of Dh's childhood in jail, and then tried to make it up by being a "friend." She has even pulled her stunts on our DD and my SD, promising them lavish gifts for bdays and Christmas (to the children, not to us) and then never following through. Not even getting them anything at all. And she wonders why we try to keep her out of their lives...?

This is my 2nd baby;  I don't think I'm having a shower. (One of my friend's is pushing to throw me a 'sprinkle' since it's been 5 years and this one is a boy but I haven't agreed to it yet.) Lucky for me we haven't talked to her in 6 months so I don't have any issues to deal with for this baby. *knock on wood*

How does DH feel about her? Does he defend her? If he feels the same way you do, maybe he could confront her or other family members to see if she really is all talk or if she is actually going to do something this time.

It's a shitty situation and it sucks because it's his mom. I'm sorry you have it the same way I do.

JBDamonM

TnArichmond:

I definitely feel you on this. DH's (birth) mother is a complete @ss. She's a flake, and lies out her butt to make herself sound better. For our wedding she said she would go halves on the rehearsal dinner with DH's father. He ended up paying it all alone. She said she would buy the alcohol for the reception. DH and I ended up going to the liquor store BETWEEN the rehearsal and the dinner to buy it all ourselves because she didn't. She spent all of Dh's childhood in jail, and then tried to make it up by being a "friend." She has even pulled her stunts on our DD and my SD, promising them lavish gifts for bdays and Christmas (to the children, not to us) and then never following through. Not even getting them anything at all. And she wonders why we try to keep her out of their lives...?

This is my 2nd baby;  I don't think I'm having a shower. (One of my friend's is pushing to throw me a 'sprinkle' since it's been 5 years and this one is a boy but I haven't agreed to it yet.) Lucky for me we haven't talked to her in 6 months so I don't have any issues to deal with for this baby. *knock on wood*

How does DH feel about her? Does he defend her? If he feels the same way you do, maybe he could confront her or other family members to see if she really is all talk or if she is actually going to do something this time.

It's a shitty situation and it sucks because it's his mom. I'm sorry you have it the same way I do.

This first paragraph describes things my MIL would do to a TEE. Its simply so frustrating.

DH and I have come a LONG way on his mother. At first he was blind to it (and to be honest I was to an extent as well)....but a lot has come to light in the past couple of years, really opening his eyes.  We are now at a point where we can openly discuss our frustrations with her and typically be on the same page.

My approach is going to be to sit on it. I expressed my frustrations this AM when he told me this and I pointed out to him that she was blatantly lying about telling my mom this plan (which really chaps my as* too that she did that when my mom actually has her shi* together and is doing something for us.) Quite honestly there is realistically no way she can pull this off before the baby comes (given the short time left and  other weekend commitments)..... I pointed out to him that she had made no effort to finding a date.... And at this point if she does ask - I am going to point out to her that she should've addressed this a long time ago so she could've amply prepared. This could be part of her strategy though - waiting purposely until there is not enough time left and then having an excuse.

In my heart of hearts I know this is nothing but lip service. Been down this road way too many times with her. I'm surprised that he's falling for it, but it is his only living parent. He may just want to believe this time.....It just pisses me off to no end though that once again she's creating issues....

 

shellmom22

clgsquared:

aren't showers meant to be a celebration of the baby?  an act of generosity perhaps?  and yet, because we are dealing with our families, plenty of us end up stressed and dreading the experience...which is NOT good for our babies!

I completely agree with this...  My DH actually turned down the offer from his aunt to throw us a shower just due to all the drama his family causes.

To OP your in-laws don't sound like a whole lot of fun.  My DH comes from a large family as well and most of them are very immature which is what your MIL sounds like.  I wish you luck and hope things work out for you.  I recommend bubble baths & dove chocolates

 

JSS1002

So sorry, but at least you have very low expectations and won't be disappointed.  I'd throw all your excitement and happiness and joy into your mom's shower and just assume there won't be another one. I'm sure it will be a WONDERFUL day!

 

Trish&Pete07

Kind of off topic a bit but being one of 5 kids doesn't seem that bad. I am dutch and DH was raised dutch (he's adopted) and we are both one of 6. My mom is one of 6, my dad one of 7. Dh's mom is one of 6 and his dad is one of 13!! I have friends who are one of 14 kids. I guess I just see it as more normal. My SIL is an only child though and the noise of a family get together (even if it is just adults and no kids) is often too much for her.

Raven01

JBDamonM:

My mother in law defines crazycakes

Another example - she had to stay here a couple nights ago because she was scared to be alone. What's worse - she showed up with all of her silver china??? Convinced leaving it at home with no car in the driveway was an easy target for a robbery (although that part is not too far off given the post a few down on this today).....She then left all of the silver here. WTF. I have a baby to get ready for and my garage is full of all her crap from when she moved 2 months ago. I'm not a storage unit!!!!

Yep, crazy cakes right there.