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nowuseeme4407
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Cut off In-laws now I can breathe!
nowuseeme4407
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This has been a long time coming and not an easy choice to make but after attempting every other possible resolution I have decided with my husbands support that our lives would be much less stressful and much more happy if his parents had no part in it!
I have put up with many things in the two years that Hubby and I have been together and I think now after an episode on New Years Eve that has sent me over the edge DH finally see's who his parents truly are. I feel so much better since I made this choice for me and my children.
Has anyone else had success with something similar to this? Has it improved your life and marriage if the people you cut out of your life were only causing you grief and stress in the first place?
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Re: Cut off In-laws now I can breathe!
I don't know your exact situation but it sounds like you and your DH are on the same page which is most important! Good luck
I disagree with this completely. Some people are just toxic. They don't have to necessary be bad people (or addicts or killers), but some relationships just aren't worth saving. Just because you share blood with someone, doesn't mean you owe them anything or have any obligation to them.
And, as for the bolded, you can't categorically state that for the OP's husband. You don't know him, his parents, or what they've done to him over the years.
I told my husband that this was my choice and that he could have whatever kind of relationship with his parents that he wants but that I would not could not take part in it.
I have spoken to many people including counselors and our pastor with this issue I have even been asked to come onto the Dr. Phil show but I know that would be a disaster for sure as well. I have taken all kinds of roads and followed my gut and bit my lip more times than I can count. I have been the only one trying to make things easier. My in-laws have made zero effort and still do not even acknowledge that I am married to their son.
When his mother and I have an issue over something small like a lack of communication in a plan or something as was the case new years eve......she then cries to my father in law tells him all kinds of things that are not true which leads to a huge blow up. This is the way it happens every time. Now I am in no way saying that I am innocent in every issue or argument that we have had....it has taken me a bit to get use to not saying everything that is on my mind.
However, when my father in law comes to my house uninvited while I am alone and gets into my face when I have not seen nor spoken to him in days and proceeds to call me a bad mother and a fat ass and many other very unkind things, without me so much as uttering a single word, I dont know what else to do. I dont deserve to be treated like that no matter what issues I have with them or whether or not they like me. I def do not treat them or anyone else like that...and it is not something I want my children around.
I have cut off a member of my close family for some pretty heinous things and it wasn't a hard decision for me. My life is vastly improved without that person in it, but like I said- it was heinous acts that led to that. Not just hurt feelings.
My concern about what you said was that you made the decision to cut them out of your lives. Even with your husband's support, it seems like that kind of decision should come from him since it's his parents.
I understand what having difficult in-laws is like. Mine called DH numerous times during our engagement begging him not to marry me, have told me never to have children, told DH he shouldn't be a father, and were not happy about our pregnancy. Those are just a few examples of the kind of stuff they've done. I maintain my own physical and emotional space from them, but I let DH decide the kind of relationship he has with them. The only thing I have said is that if they make comments in front of our children or make them feel guilty for choices that DH and I have made, I will strictly limit their contact with them. But I'm going into it giving them the benefit of the doubt that they won't be idiots around my children.
Best of luck with your decision. I hope you talked with your DH about this before making any decisions.
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Ditto all this.
My husband was at work during this most recent issue....he does stand up to them. Their dislike is aimed at me directly and his mother and father try to play him like a fiddle. I gave him no ultimatums just told him what my actions were going to be from this moment on. He is standing with me on this decision but i know that once the smoke clears for him and his anger at them subsides he might feel differently. He and I have gone round and round with them many times and we have not always been united in how we feel but after such an obvious display of disrespect to wards me I think now he understands what my fight has reel been.
He has tried to talk to them he has had arguments with them on his own very rarely am I ever even around when he does his thing with them. I think he is tired of what they are doing. He has said on more than one occasion that the reason they dont like me and dont want me in their family is because they cannot control me like they do everyone else. Idk how he will feel a month from now or when our new baby is born but I dont want my children to be around people who choose to act that way.
"I feel so much better since I made this choice for me and my children."
Sorry, but I am side eyeing this. This entire post sounds like your idea to truly cut off his family, and I feel bad for his parents. Imagine your children cutting you out of their lives rather than attempting to communicate or meet in the middle somehow.
ETA: I see in the above post(s) that you mentioned speaking with these issues with a pastor and counselors.... have you attempted to do so WITH the in-laws? Either way, it's difficult for anyone to say whether it was right or wrong because we are not in your life, we don't know you or your husband, or his parents, or hell, even the slightest inclination of what the "disrespect" was/has been. If you feel good about it, and yo can "breathe", then who cares what a bunch of internet strangers say?
I have sat down with them several times! I have even taken them to speak with the pastor when they refused to come to counseling with my husband and me. I have made every attempt to make things easier and better for everyone. But at the same time I feel like I have been the only one trying. The disrespect has come in many forms...It started by them trying to tell my husband not to marry me, and protesting the wedding and showers when he told them that it was happening whether they liked it or not. Then once we were married, his mother would pick fights about lots of little small things ( I didnt compliment her cooking or I didnt have my daughters hair braided in the right way or I should let my daughter have as many cokes and candy as she wants) There was a lot of parental undermining when it came to my daughter right in front of me. I am not an over emotional kind of person and very little gets to me but I moved to a town 400 miles from my home and family and since I got here there has been a constant feeling of unwelcome. I can feel that as I am sure most people can. I never made a big deal about it when they sent cards to my husband on his birthday and my daughter but accidentally forgot me. I didnt get angry when everyone in the family BUT ME was invited to the reunion and 4th of July get together. I also didnt blow up when I over heard his mother tell my husband that she would soon die if she couldnt get her son to end his marriage.
I know some people are tacky by nature and I am a pro at turning the other cheek in most cases. BUT...When I stand my ground and get called names like cu*t or b!tch or they try to use my child against me and or call me a slut for having a child before I was married....I mean I dont know how much more obvious the disrespect can be. I feel bad for his parents in the sense that I have had heart to hearts with them and while they agree to my face that things will be better, they turn and do these same terrible things. I feel bad that I have taken every direction that I can to be the bigger person and not let it effect my family but that is all it has done is effect us. So I dont know what else there is to do at this point.
this
This exactly. I myself have cut off my own mother, and have not spoken with her in 3 years. It was absolutely the best choice that I could have made for myself, my husband, and our future children. Some people are toxic, and family relations can bet just as bad. Just because someone is family does not mean you have to take everything they throw at you. Anyone who says you should not cut them out of your life have never had such a toxic family member.
Good luck to you and your husband, and I'm sure you're making the best choices that you can for your family.
I am sorry to hear that you have a MIL like mine but relieved that I am not alone and I know that there are other CRAZY inlaws out there! When you and your Hubby made the choice to distance yourselves from her (if you have) How has your husband taken that? does he seem resentful or find himself changing his mind at all? My husband is standing strong and I am feeling good right now but I dont want this to cause problems because then it will be a no win situation. He became very stressed when his mother treated me like she does and said all those mean things about me and it was hard for us because he kept asking me to forget it and look the other way....But now he see's that my head can only turn so far and enough is enough.
I see your side..no need to say sorry.
I wouldnt keep my kids from them with out reason. My MIL has an addiction to pain killers and sleep aids. She has fallen asleep behind the wheel with 3 out of 4 grand kids in the car with the oldest being 11 who had to pull the car over and call us for help...And she takes Ambien during the day and we find her several hours later face down on the floor with cuts and bruises on her face and arms and legs and she has no recollection of anything. But those reasons aside, I have a big problem with her bringing my 5yr old into adult problems. When My daughter is being effected then I do have to do it for myself and my kids. As far as it ending badly....It couldnt get any worse than it has been.
This.
My in-laws are completely toxic, and although we haven't completely cut them out of our life we limit their time around us and DD as much as possible. It's easier that way. Less stress, and everyone is happy.
My best friend hasn't spoken to her mother since her father died about 4+ years ago, and it's the best decision she's ever made.
You unfortunately can't pick your family members, but it doesn't mean you have to be stuck with them.
I'd do anything for DH to cut off his family. They're toxic horrible people who only create animosity in my home and stress for my marriage.
But DH will never do it.
Good for you both for putting yoruselves first!
DH came from a divorced, screwed up family. At various times before we even met, he'd cut off each side. When we were engaged, he was on rocky terms with both but ended up cutting off his mom's side at that time. Meanwhile, the relationship with his dad's side degraded exponentially, culminating at the time my own mom was dying of leukemia--and I was days from giving birth to DD#1.
After that, we sent out birth announcements and actually began reconciling with DH's mom's side. We learned more about DH's past and the divorce and even though it didn't excuse all the crap he went through as a kid, he was able to empathize with his mom (who was projecting her pain from DH's dad onto DH), and forgive her.
We now have a good relationship with DH's mom & stepdad and are so grateful they are in our lives. It's the only grandma DD#1 has got and both of his parents (on that side) are amazing with her. (My own dad is good with her too, but he's now "dating" and isn't around as much as we anticipated--very different to be a single widower.)
Meanwhile, the relationship with DH's dad & his wife has not improved and has only gotten worse, to the point where DH has decided to cut him out. However, it hasn't really happened yet because DH doesn't want to upset his grandmother (DH's dad's mom), but he's realizing that he's making himself (and me) crazy by how much he stresses about seeing his dad and his inability to even look his dad in the face. So, yeah.
I personally love my (nuclear) family but after dealing with DH's side and learning not everyone had the idyllic upbringing (which i kinda did), I've put less emphasis on the concept of "family" as an automatic thing, in which you have absolutely no choice on who is involved in your life, even if they're hateful and possibly dangerous.
OP, I don't know the whole situation and the details you shared sound very difficult indeed. I wish you luck as you and your family moves forward.
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In full disclosure, I have never had a truly toxic family relationship, just minor annoyances. That being said, if they are truly calling you awful names and going out of their way to be disrespectful, I personally would not tolerate this either, nor would I tolerate a husband that allows it. He should be calling them out at every chance he gets when they act inappropriately & letting them know that they are hurting not only you but most importantly him ... and driving a permanent wedge between everyone through their actions.
I see no problem with you personally limiting or severing contact with them. There's no reason you need to call and talk, attend holidays, visit, etc. I do however, think it's a bit unreasonable to honestly think you will never have an ounce of contact ever again with them, but to each their own.
While you limit your contact, I don't think you should push your husband to completely cut them out of this life though. They are his parents & as someone else pointed out, how would you feel if your own children's spouses asked the same of them. They would immediately become enemy #1 to you. I do think you should push him to hold them accountable for their actions though. He can put ultimatums on them, such as, until you apologize to my wife, I will not have any contact with you or we will immediately leave any family function at the first sign of disrespectful action towards my wife or I'm going to cut you out of my life permanently at the next outburst against my wife. Until he holds them accountable and delivers on his message, they will not change. This could by chance cause him to not have a relationship with them based on their decision, but at least the choice is theirs and the power is in your husbands hands.
I would probably semi agree with keeping the grandchildren from them. You never know what toxic things they may say about you and children are impressionable. On the flip side, you shouldn't say anything nasty to your children about them either other than, unfortunately Mommy and Grandma/Grandpa don't get along. I don't know if cutting them out completely is reasonable unless your husband truly does, but I would think the simple fact that they aren't around them for babysitting, holidays, birthdays, etc, times when you and your husband would be together, would be painful enough to them.
My grandma always said, "It takes more energy to be a in a bad mood than a good mood, so let it go." Honestly, the more you stew about these things, the more power you are giving them and the more energy you spend thinking about it. Let go of the anger, let your husband drive accountability, and let them make the choice.
I think you got a lot of great feedback and I completely understand needing to cut someone out of your life. Whether it's a week, months, or years sometimes you just need that time to not be around someone that's unhealthy for your family.
Keep doing what works for you. I've had people in my life that had absolutely nothing positive to contribute and just because they're related by blood doesn't make it any different than if a complete stranger was acting like a fool.
The good news is that it sounds like you've got a wonderfully supportive husband and that he recognizes when his wife is being treated poorly by his family. Remember that your husband chose you, he didn't get to hand pick his family. But you also have to recognize that they are his family and there may be a time where he needs them in his life even if it doesn't feel like it's been enough time for you.
Good luck.
Wow, judgy, anyone?
Totally lurking, but I wanted to add my experience. My father kept in touch with his sisters and brother for his elderly parents' sake. When they died, he cut of all contact. It was the right decision, they had terrible ways of hurting him.
But that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. Every Christmas, every birthday, every important family event, my wedding... I know he misses them. It's still better than mending fences once again just to be stabbed in the back once more - he just can't take that anymore. But it is a permanent wound. Even for me, while I hardly now the, the idea that I have a bunch of uncles, aunts and cousins out there that I'll never know, sometimes hurts a lot.
What I'm saying is that this may be the right decision - only the two of you know that - but it will be painful for your husband, and it will continue to be so over the years. Please remain supportive in any way you can.
Thank you to everyone for all of the wonderful feedback and encouragement and also differing opinions. It all truly helps me.
I just wanted to go ahead and reiterate that the choice I made is for me and the kids. I told My DH that he had the choice to do what he wants to do. I told him when all of this started 2 years ago that I would never make him choose between anyone. I stand by that. My choice is to protect me and my kids from the harm I feel his parents radiate. In the beginning of our relationship DH and I both thought that the issues were caused because his mother felt threatened bc he is her only son and the youngest of three but as time has gone on and he has witnessed my efforts and then their continued negative actions I know that he understands my need for a change. I know they have been there for his whole life but as I have explained to him, I would never let anyone treat or talk to him in that way including my family no matter how close we are. I have given the benefit of the doubt and I have tried to nurture insecurities and so on but it has gotten me no where. we have limited our interactions with them for the past 6 months but even that left the door open for more abuse. I think everyone has a breaking point and I really feel as though I am at the end of my rope with them. I love my husband and I vowed my life to him and my kids and no one else. I feel his loyalties are the same and although his feelings about this may waver from time to time , I have told him what he does is his business with them. I just choose to not take part in it.
It took alot of talking about and was worried maybe we weren't making the right decision. His parents are divorced and both remarried, I'm not a fan of his dad and step-mom but we get along fine. His mother has been the same way his whole life he says. She has 3 sons and she seems to be only able to handle two at a time. She will get mad at one, then talk to the one that's been on the back burner, then we do something (nothing) and she changes teams again. The biggest factor was our son that will be here soon, he didn't want him to have a broken up family like H did when he was growing up, and wanted our LO to know all of his family. She has never showed she cared since we told her, which we told her so soon because she kept smoking by me and blowing it in my face and she still continued to do so up until we last seen her. She told him if I was going to be around for Christmas that he wasn't welcome to her house, of course I'll be around this was our first Christmas as a married couple. Then the day before Christmas she acted as if nothing was wrong and texted him and told him what she wanted for a gift! He didn't reply. Yes I agree I don't want LO to not be able to be around his whole family or know them all but we think it is for the best until she acknowledges there is going to be another grandchild and changes her attitude or gets back on her medicine, things may change but its doubtful. He was only upset for LO's sake, not for his own because it's been the same way his whole life so he doesn't care much. Things have been much more peaceful though. I can't forgive and forget all the things she's said about me and done, and ruined our wedding..but good luck and hope all works out!
I'm frankly astonished by the number of people defending the in-laws. If anyone is verbally abusive or makes you feel like an inferior person - why shouldn't they get a wake up call? I wouldn't care whose parents they are - there is no excuse to treat another human being like she is less of a person.
To the OP - I'm sorry you had to come to this decision, but life is much too short to deal with this. I don't have any toxic people in my family (for which I'm grateful), but if I did, I wouldn't hesitate to cut them out.
Abuse in any form (verbal, physical, etc.) is never okay! Why should anyone have to tolerate it just because they are related to the abuser??