Kinship Care Update

msditz00

It's been a few weeks since I posted an update on M -

We decided to go through the courts instead of DCF.  We have a meeting set up for Thursday to meet the lawyer that has been assigned to M.  We chose going through the court because M's mom was seeking treatment and seemed to want to get on track.

Now we just found out M's mom has been contacting the same treatment facility over and over, and they are full.  She hasn't reached out to any other facilities.  Plus she has been posting nonsensical stuff of Facebook - both my husband and I think she is on something again (M hasn't seen her since August, neither have we.  She did send an email a couple weeks ago thanking us for taking M, but that has been the extent of contact).  It has been an emotional roller coaster - I am seriously second guessing this decision and will be discussing with the lawyer if this is really the route we want to go.  My feeling is that M is going to be 3 soon.  If we just let this keep going for 2 more years before someone says, "Hmm maybe she isn't going to clean up her act, her parental rights really should be terminated," then it could be two more years after that when M can be legally adopted (considering evidence will have to be collected proving she is an unfit mother - as I assume she won't willingly give up permanent rights).  Do we really want her to go through 4 years of uncertainty?

I am having issues right now with M's grandmother again.  She is fully supportive of us getting temporary guardianship, so there are no issues there anymore.  But she needs to understand that we are not M's babysitters - we are here to act as her parents.  Which means M lives by our rules, even when she is at her grandmother's house.  We have made such progress with M's eating - she is stubborn, but we are more stubborn.  This has resulted in her not just eating things like broccoli and spinich, but actually asking for them!  But her grandmother falls all over herself to change things the minute M whines about what she is served.  During the holidays we gave her lasagna - M kept crying that she wanted more cheese on it, and despite us saying NO her grandmother kept piling it on.  M never ended up eating a bite of the lasagna, she just kept licking the cheese.  When we tried to stop it, the grandmother said, "I'm just being a doting grandmother!"  Now whenever she sees her grandmother, M is a mess for the next day anytime we try to make her follow a rule.  It is beyond frustrating.

Sorry for the vent...I needed to get that out!

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srmmm09

I know this isn't helpful, but my grandmother was the same with me, and I was born to my parents. Some people just don't respect others' boundaries.

[not that I'm a little frustrated with my own parents or anything. It's not like they fall all over themselves trying to keep E from ever whining or letting the littlest complainy noise come from hi sweet little precious never-could-do-anything-wrong toddler mouth. ahem.] 

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CaptainSerious

I wish you luck so that M can be in a stable and permanent position soon.

As for the grandmother thing...I have to agree with smmm...I think this isn't really as much a matter of her not viewing you as M's parents as her feeling she's entitled to spoil "poor, little M" because she's her grandmother.  Honestly, my mother tries really hard to toe the line, because she knows I will limit/supervise her time with the boys or have words with her if she doesn't enforce my rules, but my MIL who doesn't see them as much actually says things like, "they can never do anything wrong when a grandparent is watching!"  I just ignore her and intervene/discipline as normal.  When the boys are with her alone, I just let her deal with whatever fall-out, because it's not that often.  Good luck setting boundaries with M's grandmother, and stay firm!

msditz00

The child support is another thing I have to ask the lawyer about. I am so confused only M's dad pays child support. My thinking is if her mom doesn't have to pay, why should he? It seems absurd. But I am thankful for what he pays we were able to stop it from going into M's mom's account, so at least she isn't stealing it anymore. It isn't much, but it helps a bit with day care. M's grandmother has been paying for the difference, so I can't complain about her too much!

msditz00

Spooko:

msditz00:

The child support is another thing I have to ask the lawyer about. I am so confused only M's dad pays child support. My thinking is if her mom doesn't have to pay, why should he? It seems absurd. But I am thankful for what he pays we were able to stop it from going into M's mom's account, so at least she isn't stealing it anymore. It isn't much, but it helps a bit with day care. M's grandmother has been paying for the difference, so I can't complain about her too much!

Has Mom had a case opened against her? Is the CS agency aware that you have full custody and should be receiving it officially from both parents? If she isn't ordered to, it's because there isn't anyone pursuing it. And even if she were ordered to it, you'll likely never see any of it if she's using.

Also, just know that if you do go the county route and make it all official, they will likely take the CS payment if you sign M up for any kind of services. So you'll have to weigh the value one way or another. 

These are all questions I will bring up with the lawyer.  Thanks so much fortaking the time to respond. There is so much left to figure out, it is nice to have support here from people who understandwhat we're going through.