Having a really hard time allowing myself to enjoy my pregnancy.

Ironmom2be

I'm totally not letting myself enjoy or "feel good" about our PG at all. We're 12wk+4d along (we did IVF, and FET w/ PGD for a chromosomal translocation I have) so previous losses were associated with translocation. An early (9w) and a later (13w) loss. That's when we found out I had a balanced translocation.  

So que IVF, que guarded feelings about ever getting PG again. 

Fast forward to October where we had a perfect FET. Perfect doubling Betas. Some early bleeding (low progesterone) but u/s at 5w+6d showed a beating heart, measuring perfectly. Switched to PIO and spotting stopped. I've gone off all meds and no spotting, no indication of any problems. All follow-up u/s's have shown perfect heartbeats, perfect growth and completely normal pregnancy.

 

So what's wrong you ask? I keep waiting for something to "go wrong" We had our NT scan, it was perfect (1.0) we have a MaterniTi21 test, all negative. We've had OB appts and everything is normal (hb on doppler, normal blood pressure, etc)

 

You'd think we'd be over the moon, wanting to tell our family and friends? Nope, too scared. At our OB appt. today we scheduled our 18w u/s (for spina bifida screening, etc) and H says "lets wait until after that to tell anyone" And I am agreeing with him. I think I'm scared to tell anyone b/c I might jynx it or have to "untell" if something is wrong.

 

It's been a LONG road for us to get here, is it normal for me to be so guarded and apprehensive about sharing our wonderful news? I'm so afraid the words "I'm pregnant" will never come easily out of my mouth.

 

Thanks for letting me get this off my chest. 2012 has been the WORST year I can remember and I think all these feelings have been piling up as we approach another (hopefully better) year ahead. 

FreyaWin2382

First of all, congratulations on your pregnancy and a good NT scan!!

Next, what you are feeling is normal....and something I am guessing every single woman on this board has felt too. Once you have been on the other end of the statistics, it can be so hard to not live in terror of doing something wrong or "jinxing" it.

However, I need to tell you that you are not going to "jinx" anything...you and your DH have been through heck and back and you owe it to yourselves to celebrate this little one. When I got my very first BFP, I remember running into the living room, jumping up and down...we were so happy and over the moon. Fast forward through that pregnancy ending in a miscarriage and a second BFP....that pregnancy I burst into tears upon seeing that positive line...terrified that I would lose another baby.

We didn't tell anyone we were pregnant that second time, and I never smiled or in any way referenced the baby. Every day I lived in fear of spotting and having to re live another loss. And you know what all of that worrying and being terrified did or prevent? Absolutely nothing!  When I did end up miscarrying again, did it hurt any less than the first time? Heck no! I was still devastated and hurt. That is when I realized that all of that worry and fear did was make me miserable when I could have been being happy....not celebrating that baby in no way made it hurt any less. AND no one knew right away....and we really needed that support.

So this time I made it a point (really forced myself) to celebrate every second. I bought my DH a card to tell him we were pregnant again and let him dance me around the living room. I nicknamed the baby "Honey badger" because it made me laugh and I tried every single day to take things one step at a time. I am not going to tell you when to announce your pregnancy, because I do think that that is your decision, but what is hiding this pregnancy really doing? or going to change? The answer is absolutely nothing. I am not saying that you need to start posting countdowns and bump pictures on facebook, but letting your close family and friends in is not going to cause anything to happen.....the truth is, you are never going to have an ultrasound and feel "safe" ever again. So saying that you will wait until this ultrasound, or that ultrasound really is not going to make a difference. I am 38 weeks along now and still hold my breath with every single exam....unable to breathe until we hear that heartbeat. 

I know it's hard, and we all understand, but I hope that you are able to find some ways to let yourself enjoy this pregnancy. You guys deserve it! (((HUGS))) to you. 

Ironmom2be

Thank you, FreyaWin. I know what I'm feeling is the wrong way to feel. I'm struggling with how to make myself change. I'm sorry at 38w you're still holding your breath I wish I could change these feelings for all of us. 

I really want to enjoy this PG. I wish I had the naivety of someone who has never been through a loss, never been the "1" in 100 statistic (my translocation), I can't bring myself to tell anyone and I can't explain why. I honestly think it's simple fear. but like you said, I guess I'll never "feel safe."

I'm hoping that putting these fears in writing will allow me to see how much I'm missing and how I should be more positive instead of constantly living in fear.

Thanks again for your response, I really appreciate it. 

mikeANDjen448

I am so sorry you are feeling this way.  I have no advice but just want to offer you HUGS.  

Gregermis

It's so hard... especially with IF and losses.. because a loss doesn't just mean starting over, it means a huge financial burden as well.  I try to enjoy the moments I know are going well (the 30 sec a day I spent listening to LO's HB and feeling kicks now that I'm farther along).  I just try to take each day one at a time.

tdmd09

I think FreyaWin gave some excellent advice. But please don't feel like you are feeling "the wrong way." You have been through a lot of heartache and it is only natural to try to some extent to protect yourself from that again.

I have tried to look for little milestones and little victories with this pregnancy. Every good bit of blood work, every good ultrasound, every time we hear baby on the doppler, it's all a victory. But the fear doesn't go away. At my 16 week appointment one of the OBs asked if this was my first pregnancy, and I said no and that I had had two miscarriages. He said "Okay, well then this will be your first baby, yes?" and all I could do was look at him and say "I hope so."

I force myself to do things to prepare to have a baby in our house, but it's still scary. I still have dreams about loss, I sometimes poke my belly to make my baby move if I feel like he isn't active enough. But I also try to treasure every minute I get to spend with this little person because I know how incredibly special this pregnancy experience is. We had a 3D ultrasound yesterday and were talking to the tech about our losses, and she said "You must be a basketcase -- I can't imagine going through all of that." I think in the back of my head I am, but at this point I kind of just push it all to the back of my mind so I can keep moving forward and be a strong mom for my baby.

Anyway, go easy on yourself. Find little things you can celebrate. Don't feel like you need to be all puppies and rainbows about this all the time. Your baby knows you love him/her regardless of how outwardly excited you are about this pregnancy. I think you will reach a point where at least the fears can be shelved a little further back in your mind so you can relax enough to at least focus more on the positives. 

SandiaPinaMama

My experiences are very different from yours, but I just wanted to say that I hope that you find peace and a rainbow baby in 2013! Hugs! Pgal is hard.