Great NT scan, Bad fight with DH (long) — The Bump
Pregnant after a Loss

Great NT scan, Bad fight with DH (long)

I think I've experienced every emotion possible today.  I was nervous going into the NT scan, just hoping to see a heartbeat again and that the baby was still alive. They had us watch a powerpoint presentation before the scan, explaining everything they were testing for, which was very informative and helpful but also made me freak out a little more. I knew what the NT scan tested for, but I guess I didn't realize how many potential things they could tell us were wrong, all with one scan.

After the presentation, I was filling out the intake for the genetic counselor, and it asked how many times you have been pregnant. I looked at DH and said "Well, 5 I guess, technically" and he was like "Are you kidding? Only put down the last one." (For those on mobile, I've had 3 chemical pregnancies and 1 m/c at 7.5 weeks).  I started to argue with him and then just said forget it and proceeded to write "5" and then filled out the rest of the form which asked how many weeks you were when you lost your previous pregnancies.  

DH wouldn't let it go while we were waiting and kept saying things like "She only needs to know about the last one."  and "Why don't you specify that the other 3 were only chemical pregnancies?" Basically insinuating that the other ones don't count. I was so hurt and upset and so mad at him.  We've met enough jerky doctors along the way that didn't validate my chemical pregnancies that I couldn't believe he was doing this now too.  We met with the genetic counselor, she took 2 seconds glancing at the intake form and said "Wow, you've had a rough road, congrats on making it this far in your pregnancy."  

The ultrasound itself went great (baby measured right on track, HR was 165, nuchal fold was 1.6 mm) and bloodwork was a breeze, so I was feeling better and so thankful that everything (so far) was looking great.  On the walk to the car, DH brought up the whole miscarriage thing again, and was like "So, how many miscarriages do YOU think you've had?"  I lost it, started bawling walking down the sidewalk and arguing with him and telling him I cannot believe he is not validating my 3 early losses.  

The kicker of all of this? Now he is mad at ME because he hates when I get so upset over things. I'll give him that, I'm definitely upset, I'm so upset that I can't even have a level-headed adult conversation with him right now about the whole thing. 

Am I in the wrong here? I wish I could see his side without being so irrationally upset, but I just can't.  Thanks for letting me vent.   

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BFP #2: 9/4/11 c/p 5w0d
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Re: Great NT scan, Bad fight with DH (long)

  • Not to add fuel to your fire but you H is an ASSS.  Yes, the doctors DO need to know everything.  I'm so sorry he made you feel bad.  I'm not quite sure what he was trying to accomplish but arguing that point w/ you.  I'm glad your NT scan went so well.
    BFP #1 5/10/06 ...m/mc @11.5w 6/29/06 D&C 6/30/06
    BFP #2 10/29/08 ...stillborn via c/s @41w 7/20/09
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    BFP #3 1/20/10 My angel's little sister Grace Madison was born September 8th 2010 @37w. We're so blessed! Thank you angel for getting her here safely.
    BFP #4 12/30/11. Jackson Christopher 8/22/2012 via repeat c/s @ 37w 3d
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  • First of all, congratulations on a great NT scan! I know that is a very nerve-wracking appointment and I'm so glad you got through it and received great results.

    I'm sorry your husband responded to you this way, particularly on a day that was going to be highly emotional to start with. Like mystererae, my husband has tried to make our first loss sound insignificant in an attempt to make our odds of success seem better this time around. It hurt very deeply and only after the words were used and I lost my mind for a while could we sit down and talk about it. Once I realized his purpose it hurt less but he definitely knows never to talk that way again about our any pregnancy anyone ever has.

    Hopefully, once you've both had time and space you're able to talk about it and understand each other better as well as come up with expectations for the future. 

    BFP#1 11/25/11 EDD 08/09/12 MMC 01/30/12 D&C 02/01/12
    BFP#2 09/11/12 beta1=72 @13dpo beta2=160 @14dpo beta3=over 6000 @24dpo U/S @7w2dd hb=146bpm U/S @8w5d hb=159bpm U/S @12w hb=164bpm
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  • First, congratulations on a great NT scan!  

    Second, I am totally with you.  I have no idea why you wouldn't count the cps as losses.  While it's not an excuse for his behavior, I do think that this is another example of men sometimes processing these things differently than we do. And I agree that he might also be following the lead of previous doctors who have discounted these losses. 

    I would also probably be so mad I couldn't talk to him- or even be around for a little while.  When I feel like that I need time to clear my head before talking or else the conversations are not productive. But, when you are ready and calmer, I would try to discuss this since it is a big deal and your DH should know how you feel and why.  You may not be able to convince him that you are right, but he should not dismiss your feelings on the subject.

     

    ((Hugs))   

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    BFP#3 7/16/12 ~ EDD 3/26/13 ~ It's a BOY ~ DOB 2/26/13






  • Holy moly, I would be livid if DH said anything like that. Just because they were early losses doesn't mean that they should be dismissed. The doctors need to know all of your pregnancy history. 

    I'm so sorry he was being so insensitive. I know that sometimes DH/SOs can't really connect with those early losses but they are still heartbreaking.  

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    EDD 1/31/13, MC May 17. EDD 3/31/13, MC July 26. I miss you so much already my angel loves

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  • Wow. I would be ticked too. I am so so sorry....it's so hard when the rest of the world makes you feel like your babies don't count, but when your DH does it is heartbreaking. After my second loss (which was a blighted ovum) my DH made the remark that "at least this time it wasn't really a baby"....cue me flipping the H out all over him for two hours. He felt bad that I was hurting, and was sad that the pregnancy didn't work out, but for him...he just didn't get it.

    I hope that your DH comes to his senses and apologizes to you...and big ((HUGS)). 

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  • You are definitely DEFINITELY not wrong.  I wish I could hug you in real life. 
  • You are not wrong at all!!! Congrats on the awesome scan :) I have no advice w the DH- I hope he apologizes once he cools off. 
    DS#1- 5 y/o! Stop growing up little man!<br><br>
    DS#2- 5 months old.  AH! SQUISH!<br>
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    TTC #2
    3 M/C. Finally a sticky baby- 9/3/13!
  • Thanks ladies, for your kind words and thoughtful responses.  I took off and went to Target to get out of the house for a little while. When I came home, DH seemed to be in a better mood and was actually talking to me.

    I tried talking to him in a calm manner, explaining how hurtful his comments were and trying to understand what he was getting at.  He just kept saying he was mad that I got mad so fast and then said he won't say anything else the rest of the pregnancy. Real mature. At least he didn't storm out of the room.

    We'll get past it, I know we will, but I just hope we can each understand where the other is coming from.  My DH really is a great guy, like so nice that I'm annoyed sometimes at how kind he is to complete strangers. I think that's also part of why I was so upset, because I never thought I would hear something like that from him. 

    *Sigh* Thanks again for letting me get this off my chest! 

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    TTC #1 since Feb 2011 Dx: MTHFR C677T Homozygous, Antiphospholipid Syndrome, LPD
    BFP #1: 8/4/11 c/p 4w5d
    BFP #2: 9/4/11 c/p 5w0d
    BFP #3: 1/16/12 c/p 4w0d
    BFP #4 8/9/12 m/c 7w3d
    BFP #5 11/2/12 ?EDD 7/16/13? PLEASE grow sweet baby!!
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  • Congratulations on a great NT Scan!

    As to the DH thing... I can see mine want to go through the same argument sometimes, but I shut him down and he's learned better than to argue with me about it. Not even getting into the heartbreaking side of it, My reasoning is that while chemical pgs are common types of miscarriages, having 3 of them IS NOT common, and of medical significance. I also think the responsibility lies on us, the women who experience them, to not let others [and especially doctors] make light of them. If we don't acknowledge the role these losses play in both our life and reproductive history, no one will. And they ARE important.

    I'm so sorry your DH is trying to write them off, that is incredibly unfair. I think ultimately they don't want to recognize the severity of those losses to hold on to a more hopeful outlook. At least that's why mine does. :::: hugs::::
    Married My Love on 6/18/2006
    BFP#1 10/1/2011. Our perfect little girl, Her heart stopped @ 12w1d. D&E 11/23/11
    BFP#2 3/13/12 Weird CP/Possible EP @ 6w0d
    BFP#3 5/28/12 CP @ 5w0d
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  • Glad your nt scan went great! Hopefully your dh can drop the whole thing and just appreciate the fact that you have a healthy little one on the way! I agree with you also. Guys can be such dicks sometimes.
    BFP #4 11/21/12 - EDD 8/2/12 BFP#3 Missed m/c 9 wk 3 days. D & c 4/27/12. :( BFP #2 8/10/09 - DD Born April 2010 BFP #1 Suspected Ectopic 4/09 - Methotrexate
  • Oh, sweetie. ((HUGE HUGS))

    It's hard enough what you've been through, but to have YH invalidate it like that has to sting so bad.

    Not to mention, your doctors need your FULL pregnancy history, so feelings aside, you did the right thing by listing all of your pregnancies.

    Congratulations on a great scan, though!

    BFP #1 10/6/11 | EDD 6/15/12 | MMC 11/7/11 @ 8w3d | D&C 11/14/11

    BFP #2 8/22/12 | EDD 5/5/13 | DS1 born 5/9/13

    BFP #3 4/25/15 | EDD 1/7/16 | MMC 7/2/15 @ 13w1d | D&E 7/8/15

    BFP #4 12/9/15 | EDD 8/22/16 | DS2 born 5/18/16 at 26w2d

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  • Great news about the NT scan!

    I agree that it's important for doctors to know about every loss you've had - no matter how early they occured.  Sorry your DH acted so nonchalant about it.  Men have a different way of handling things sometimes. 

    Mommy of 3 beautiful boys!
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  • Men may try but they don't quite understand. I had 3 m/C's with my first husband. My current DH doesn't get why I'm so terrified all the time. It's important medical history....whether a cp or not, the drs need to know. Happy your NT scan went well. Hugs!!
    m/c #1 6/30/05 m/c #2 9/18/06 m/c #3 9/18/08 BFP 10/21/12....EDD 7/6/13....Praying this is my sticky baby. Code snippet: HTML, Used for websites, email and some forums. Lilypie Pregnancy tickers
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