Need Advice- My stepdad's wife
So, here's a little background:
My father passed away in 1999 when I was 14 years old. My mother remarried a man named Joe (my stepdad) in 2006 and passed away very suddenly in the beginning of 2010.
My brother and I made a big effort to keep my stepdad in our lives as he has no children of his own and the rest of his family lives in Florida. We continued including him in holidays and birthday celebrations. And he was invited to my Las Vegas wedding in March of 2012.
At my wedding reception, my stepdad met our best man's mother and they exchanged phone numbers. I wasn't extremely pleased. Needless to say...they got married in September of 2012.
I announced my pregnancy to my stepdad at the end of July (2 months before their wedding) and his girlfriend was next to him at the time. When I told him about the pregnancy he congratulated me and she said: "I'm so excited to be a grandma!"
I was more than a little flabbergasted at her response. Really? I hardly know you. My MOTHER is my LO's grandmother, not you. <sigh> DH thinks I'm being a little oversensitive, but I have a real problem with this. With both of my parents being gone, I really hold the names grandma and grandpa in high regard. Don't get me wrong- my stepdad's wife is a very sweet woman, but I'm not ready to have my child call her grandma.
I've thought about it and think the LO could call my stepdad "Grandpa Joe" and his new wife "Miss Linda." DH thinks this will cause some drama. How do I make this happen? Do I talk to her about my feelings on this (even though we don't really know each other well)? Or do I simply instruct LO to call her Miss Linda when he's old enough to talk?
Or am I simply being oversensitive like my DH thinks I am?
TIA
Re: Need Advice- My stepdad's wife
I personally don't see a problem with her getting to be called a grandparent type name if they are married and she acts like a grandmother. I never had a blood relative that was my grandmother. I had a woman that was my mothers godmother that even though she wasn't actually related to me she did all the grandma things and I called her grandma. I also had my grandfathers wife who we were not close to and she did not feel grandmotherly at all. I never called her grandma. I called her by her name.
We have a close friend of the family that actually rents a room in our house, our kids call him "Uncle Luther." He's not related to us. I think familial terms are terms of endearment that don't necessarily have to do with blood relations.
I don't think you're being over-sensitive, it just needs to be approached the right way. Perhaps when you're discussing your pregnancy, when she says "Grandma" again, politely tell her that your parents, although deceased, are "grandma and grandpa", because that's what you'll call them when you talk about them. Then maybe the two of you could come up with another affectionate name for her to go by, because it sounds like she'll be around and will probably care a lot for your LO. Your LO will probably come up with their own name anyways, which may be best once they start talking, just make sure it's not "grandma".
I don't think you're being over sensitive. My MIL passed away 2 1/2 years ago. DH was really close to her. FIL remarried very quickly and I suspect we're going to have similar issues with what she thinks she's going to be called.
MIL was the child's grandma, even though she'll never meet him. We don't spend a lot of time with FIL's new wife (can count on one hand how many times we've seen her in person) nor know her that well. She's not our LO's grandmother.
Will DH's feeling change about what LO call's FIL's wife at some point? Maybe. For now, the fact that DH's mom is never going to see DH as a dad is a painful thought, and if FIL's wife, who we barely know, can't understand that, it's too bad.
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First, I am sorry for your loss.
What about Nana Linda or something other than Grandma? We had a very very close family member who by all means was not related and I called her Granny. Many of her own friends call her that too. I know it is hard, and even though you want your child to call her something specific, they will call her what they are going to call her. So, to find a nick name, nana, granny, momo....something might be a happy compromise.
I think this would be a good compromise. If she brings it up, I would just say "we're going to refer to my mom as "grandma" and we though _____ would be a neat grandma-ish name for you!". Just keep it positive. DS calls my mom Mema and his other grandma is Nani (non-ee).
I absolutely don't think you're being oversensitive.
My parents divorced when I was a teenager, and my mom's remarried. I do like her husband...he's a nice man and he treats her really well. But I don't feel comfortable having my kids call him "grandpa" since he's not my father, and never has had a roll in my life at that capacity. As a compromise, since he's from Germany, we've been referring to him as "Opa." It's still a term of respect, but I don't really feel as it's stepping on my father or my FIL's toes as being the actual grandfather.
Now my dad's girlfriend (who he has no intention of marrying) has been starting to refer to herself as "Gramma [name]." H and I put a stop to that pretty quickly.
I grew up in a situation like this where my mom was still getting use to having a new "step-mom". She wasn't happy about it and didn't like Jennie at all. Because of her feelings, she raised us kids to call her by her name (Jennie). It felt normal for me for a while until I realized how much it might have hurt Jennie's feelings, regardless of how my mother felt about the situation. I think it would have been more fair for us kids to come up with a name.
When I was about 10 or 11, one day, I asked Jennie if she would prefer being called Grandma and she said it was up to me. ( I could tell she was so happy that I had even asked her that.) But because I had been raised to call her by her name, it felt too weird to suddenly start calling her something else. But I call her Nana Jennie and that works really well for us both. My mom has a changed heart about it and feels a little guilty for not including her more as a "grandma" even if she isn't one by blood. Jennie is now the closest thing left to a grandparent that I have (all four of my blood grandparents passed away 2 years ago) and I'm very grateful to have her as such.
I just think it's worth thinking about a little more. I think it's super weird and totally out of line for Linda to assume anything being as she's not even been around long enough to fill that roll for you or your LO....but maybe give it some time, don't worry about it so much now, and you may feel differently later. If not, and if nothing else, I really recommend letting your LO find a name for her.
I can totally relate to not wanting his wife called g-ma. My dad was married to my stepmother for about 14 years before I had my son and I still cringed when she called herself grandma. Ew. I obviously had some major issues with her. Anyway, in the end I just let it happen b/c I didn't want to deal with the drama. They lived states away so we didn't see them very much and end the end they got divorced so problem solved.
I thing all of the PP have great suggestions.
Good luck!
While I understand how important your mother is/was to you, you should take into consideration what this new wife may end up being to you and your child. Like someone said they grew up calling her "Jennie", only to come to find out that sort of hurt her feelings. Maybe discuss with her what she would like to be called and if she mentions grandma just explain that will be used when referring to your mother, and suggest alternatives. Miss Linda though I think is sort of a slap in the face to your step father, it after all was you who tried so hard to keep him in your lives and that reference to his wife sort of sounds like an insult.
THIS! And while I totally get how you would feel about this woman and her position to your family I do want to point something out: the most important thing here is that as much as Linda is not your LO's true grandmother, she will still give your child love and attention... I think her sentence to you was more to let you know how excited she is to give your baby that love that a grandmother would give a child... And that is the most important part. If you come up with an alternative name that is grandmotherly, it will meet your terms to keep "grandmother" sacred, and keep the peace in your blended family. Calling her Miss Linda seems really cold to me, personally.
Once you have your child here, I think you'll realize it's more about the child and it would be better for your little one to have two "grandparents" who care/love them than none.
I understand where your coming from. My dad remarried and I didn't want my step mom to be called "grandma" since my mother is "grandmama" (hubby's mom is grandma) so those names were taken. It just seemed like it would be too confusing to have 3 grandmas, you know? So my my step mom is "Tata" (short for "Granny Guitar" as her other grandkids call her). I don't see any reason she couldn't have a cute pet name, but "grandma" was not on the table.
My husband's sister's hubby's parents are both divorced and remarried, and all of them have different names for the grandkids. There is "grandma", "grandpa", "buba", and "pupup." You can always let your LO come up with their own name for Miss Linda as well since most kids do this as it is. You can do a google search too for grandparents names and see what you like. This way the term "grandma" isn't being used, (you could explain that you don't want to confuse LO with more than one "grandma") but she can still feel good that she has a cutsy grandparent-type name.