Being fair

RondackHiker

There are always lots of posts on the bump about being fair and not playing favorites. There's always a range of responses, with some saying that kids should get the same number of gifts and that the same amount should be spent.

Others say that as long as the kids don't notice it's okay.

I don't care much, as long as it isn't ongoing or intentional. Kids have different interests. Like, my brother ad I. When we were young, the toys he liked cost more than the ones I liked, so my parents spent more on him. When we were teens, my brother liked books and wrestling. I liked horses. My sports equipment was pricier so they spent more on me. But we both got what we wanted. My parents had four kids, and always said that not everything is fair and that presents and chores and attention won't always be equal.

I wouldn't be upset unless one kid was consistently favored, to an extreme degree.

What about everyone else? Do you try to be fair? How much do you worry about being fair at all times?

klondikebar

i really don't worry about it. We parent our children in the same and it all works out in the end. I wouldn't intentionally buy an expensive bike for DS1, an ipad for DD and get DS2 a matchbox car, kwim? But things don't have to be exactly even all of the time.

old_time_girl

Like you said, I think it's going to depend on their interests.
I will try to be "fair" by trying to make sure that each is equally happy with what they have, rather than a dollar or quantity level of fairness.

tarebear9891

My parents have always been very careful to be fair to each grandchild. My mom makes sure to spend the same amount on each kid, which doesn't always equal the same number of gifts.

My MIL however, only had my two boys. She favored my oldest for a long time. We noticed it in her behavior and the presents she was buying. DH sat her down and told her in no way could the favoritism continue if she wanted to see them.

Edit: and to answer about us, I am very conscious about being fair to my kids. At this age they got the same number of gifts. When they are older it will just be the same amount.

LadyXaverian

I think what you described is fair. There is a difference between equal and equitable. So long as one kid isn't getting everything their little heart desires while the other plays Cinderella, I think it's fine.

ETA: My sister and I always had the same number of gifts to open. How much my parents spent is beyond me, but I don't think either of us ever felt like one was favored over the other.

ktshoff

I think you should do the same amount for each child. They are individuals so in the early years when opening presents is just as fun as getting the gift I feel they should both have the same amount to open. 

When they get older I feel the same amount should be spent.  Like, there will be a $400 amount budgeted for each child and if that means one gift, that means one gift.

 

gimmietimmies

We try to be as fair as possible. We set a budget per kid, but I'm not going to make a flap if one asked for something specific and it was slightly more, or spend $10 on something random so they each total exactly the same. I am very concious though about being fair and not playing favorites, since it happened to me.

For years my parents went over the top with my brother's birthday and Christmas presents, like spending hundreds or thousands on him, and maybe $50 on me, if I were lucky enough that they remembered my birthday. Long story short, I didn't speak to them for a number of years, not because of the stuff, mostly because if I didn't call, they didn't either. I just didn't rate with them, the lack of consideration or where I stood just became more obvious at holidays (like an obligation rather than a family member). I would never do that to my kids.

RondackHiker

gimmietimmies:

For years my parents went over the top with my brother's birthday and Christmas presents, like spending hundreds or thousands on him, and maybe 50 on me, if I were lucky enough that they remembered my birthday. Long story short, I didn't speak to them for a number of years, not because of the stuff, mostly because if I didn't call, they didn't either. I just didn't rate with them, the lack of consideration or where I stood just became more obvious at holidays like an obligation rather than a family member. I would never do that to my kids.

I'm so sorry. I had a friend who no longer speaks to her family for similar reasons. Her older sister is the best, and it's like her parents don't even realize my friend exists. It used to make me so mad. Did your brother realize he was favored? My friend's sister did and would rub it in and make it worse.

But, like I said in my OP, my parents weren't always "fair" or equal. My siblings all went to sleep away camps, I didn't. However, they spent more time and money on my hobby of riding horses and helping me get to the barn to ride than than they did in other areas. I always wanted extra lessons rather than a non horsey sleep away camp.

My mom and I did look into horse camp once and were both horrified at the cost.

None of us ever felt favored or shorted. And if we dared whine that we had an extra chore that day, we'd be scolded. I felt like my parents did a good job of teaching us to deal with the unfairness of day to day life and to realize that most things even out in the end.

NerdyMama2

We try to be fair with each child. At Christmas we gave them about the same amount of presents. We tried not to give one more than the other.

nanabanana06

When I finally got siblings my mom set a certain amount of money for each of us and gave us the same amount of presents. Now we are older we know we get 200 and a few 20 dollar gifts.

gimmietimmies

RondackHiker:

gimmietimmies:

For years my parents went over the top with my brother's birthday and Christmas presents, like spending hundreds or thousands on him, and maybe 50 on me, if I were lucky enough that they remembered my birthday. Long story short, I didn't speak to them for a number of years, not because of the stuff, mostly because if I didn't call, they didn't either. I just didn't rate with them, the lack of consideration or where I stood just became more obvious at holidays like an obligation rather than a family member. I would never do that to my kids.

I'm so sorry. I had a friend who no longer speaks to her family for similar reasons. Her older sister is the best, and it's like her parents don't even realize my friend exists. It used to make me so mad. Did your brother realize he was favored? My friend's sister did and would rub it in and make it worse. But, like I said in my OP, my parents weren't always "fair" or equal. My siblings all went to sleep away camps, I didn't. However, they spent more time and money on my hobby of riding horses and helping me get to the barn to ride than than they did in other areas. I always wanted extra lessons rather than a non horsey sleep away camp. My mom and I did look into horse camp once and were both horrified at the cost. None of us ever felt favored or shorted. And if we dared whine that we had an extra chore that day, we'd be scolded. I felt like my parents did a good job of teaching us to deal with the unfairness of day to day life and to realize that most things even out in the end.

I really wished it were that way.  I don't think it's possible to be fair or equal, but equitable is probably a better word. It was never about the money for me, I was just hoping to hear happy birthday, like they actually gavenashit. Youre lucky your parents evened it out in the end. And yes, my brother more than knew he was getting more. Sometimes he asked for things he knew was over the top just to see if he could get it. He usually did. He asked for a race bike(for triathlon) one year, I asked for a Walkman or similar. He got his bike, I got a pair of jeans. I won't say what else he got. Our family (extended) was very aware of the disparity. I did find out a few years ago why, and it had nothing to do with me per se, but it was disturbing, and I got an apology, but I know I'll never treat me kids like that. My issues are not theirs, kwim? Each get something on their birthday, I will always have a little cake and something for them (activity, party, dinner), they will have something to open on Christmas, and get to do an activity or sport. None of them will be left to feel like they don't matter. I also won't go over the top trying to compensate either! I know the balance! ;p

 

nikip6454

fredalina:

My mom was ridiculous about "fairness". She made sure we had the same amount of money AND the same amount of packages to open. Which meant someone opened a bunch of presents worth 5 bucks each since they had one big gift. To me it was going too far. Make an effort, but don't turn it into an obsession.

My mom was exactly like this when my sister and I were young.  She is pretty much still like this with her grandkids, although, my DD is far younger than my tween nieces.  My mom does tyr to be equal but my DD usually has more gifts but at a lower total spent.

RondackHiker

gimmietimmies:

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I am so, so sorry. FTR, while I think the push to be completely fair all the time is silly, your case is nothing like that. What happened to you, and to my friend, is so wrong. While things may not be equal, kids should all feel loved and valued and recognized. I'm so sorry your parents were so sh!tty to you. You seem like you have a really clear outlook on the whole "equal" thing, which shows how strong you are. My friend is terrified of having more than one kid. She is afraid to repeat the pattern. She is constantly worried about shorting a niece or nephew. She still has no contact with any of her family.

MommaG123

When I was in about second or third grade and I found out that my Jewish friends got gifts for 8 straight nights I told my mom that we needed at least 8 gifts each under the tree.  Yeah, I was a brat.

My parents never really worried about price, but mom always did make sure we had the same number to open when we were younger.  Now she tries to spend the same amount on us all and doesn't worry about number.

I figure I won't worry about it much once we have multiple kids.  I will probably try to make sure they have the same number of things to open but if I spend a little more on one kid than the other I'm not going to sweat it because I know it will even out over their lifetime.