Adoptive, Foster, Surrogate Moms School Me- Long-

My Blue Heaven

H and I are thinking about adopting. I know NOTHING about this. I don't know how much it costs, how long it takes (usually)to be chosen, what the rate of mother repossesion can be, how it differs from state to state, What it takes to be chosen, and how to find an adoptive agency. What are the benefits/ drawbacks of domestic vs foreign? Open? Or Closed?

H also mentioned fostering a kid. I am leary of this bc I know a couple of horror stories (totally F-ed up kids who can never really get themselves together bc of their horror show early years), but I know Amy (NJColony) did it and adopted her youngest son, so how did they get selected as a foster family? What's required there?

Finally- IDK if anyone here did this, but I thought about having a second child using a surrogate. Anyone have any info on this? How to do this, find a surrogate, how much is covered by insurance?

Finally- I am completely of the opinion that love is love and family is family, but I am not sure (bc I just don't know), if it's easy to fall in love with a baby or small child that I didn't carry in my belly. How does that affect the bonding? How did it work for you?

Thanks for Any light and info that you can share. TIA!! G

DaisyZH

Hello and welcome to the board : )  This is a great place to learn a lot, especially since there are pretty much people doing every type of adoption and every part of the adoption triad on here. 

I second the FAQ, that will answer a lot of your questions in the first paragraph.  After that I suggest a book like "You CAN Adopt" or "Adoption for Dummies" which lay everything out and help making the decision a lot easier.  If you don't want a book adoption.com has good basic information too.

As far as fostering or fostering to adopt, I think AdoptUsKids.org is a great website to start.  Some good books that I really loved were "Another Place at the Table", "One Small Boat" and "Three Little Words".  These are great books to get a peek into the type of trauma that these kids have been through.  I totally don't mean to sound like a jerk or criticize, but especially if you contact your county or an agency please just try and use more understanding language - mainly I was just a little startled at "F-ed up kids".  I know you meant no harm, and I know that you're referring to the fear of severe trauma and behavior issues and I totally get that. 

 I don't have any info/advice on surrogacy, hopefully someone else on here might have some experience.  I haven't had the experience of an adoption yet, but I really do believe that you will love the child just as much as a biological child.  You have to fight for your child so much in the adoption process and I feel like that kind of kick-starts the protective mother instinct, kwim?

Anyway, good luck with everything and if you have any more questions feel free to post! This is a great board, I hope you find the type of adoption that is right for you : )

Dr.Loretta

-Ditto the FAQs

-Cost, timing, rates vary SO much, based on type of adoption, route you take, the rates of who you're working with in particular, etc

-To be chosen, you complete a homestudy to show you are approved to be parents, do a profile to show expectant families what you're like, and wait for someone to click with you

-The FAQs, and the resources in there, will help you find an adoption agency (or other route)

-There aren't necessarily benefits or drawbacks to domestic vs international adoption. People are drawn to different routes for different reasons. International adoption for the most part is going to be closed, domestic adoption for the most part is going to be open, on some level. But open can mean a LOT of different things

-Foster adopt is through the state, though there are some national agencies that place children who have already had parental rights terminated. Your state agency can give you more info

-From my understanding, surrogacy is VERY expensive. You can always approach your dr and go from there

-Bonding was never an issue. DH in particular was in love at first sight

I strongly reiterate that you should check out the FAQs, use some of the resources to research, then come back with specific questions. It's a great group of people who can really help you

GL

elissaann26

My Blue Heaven:

H also mentioned fostering a kid. I am leary of this bc I know a couple of horror stories (totally F-ed up kids who can never really get themselves together bc of their horror show early years), but I know Amy (NJColony) did it and adopted her youngest son, so how did they get selected as a foster family? What's required there?

I can only really answer your fostering questions since that is all that I have experience with.  And keep in mind that my experience is solely in NC, which can vary greatly from other states.

In order to be a foster family, you need to be licensed.  This process took us 10 months.  We had to get 30 hours of training, complete a TON of paperwork, multiple home visits, medical clearance from doctors, finger prints, and probably a few other things I'm forgetting.  Once licensed, then you are put on the "Available Beds" list.  The county knows your preferences (how many kids, ages, race, degree of medical problems, degree of behaviors, etc.), which can be as specific as you need in order to be comfortable.  You will NEVER get "stuck" with a child that you are uncomfortable with, but you NEED to be upfront with your preferences. When a child comes into care, then you might get a call asking if you would like to take them based on your preferences.  We got a few calls that were outside of our preferences (2 kids, ages 0-4) because our social worker knew we were very open to what type of child(ren) we would accept.  We turned down 2 calls before accepting our first placement (2 brothers- 5 yo and almost 2 yo).  

I do REALLY want to caution you about reunification.  In our county (and most that I have heard about) reunification is the primary goal in foster care.  This means returning the child(ren) to their biological parents (or in some cases family member).  This means that most of the time when a child comes into care, they are not available for adoption.  And 99% of the cases in our county have reunification as the plan.  The plan can change to adoption if the parents are not engaged in working their plan, but that is up to the judge's discretion and typically takes quite a while (a year is the shortest timeframe I've heard in our county).   

If you have any other specific questions about fostering, let us know!  This board is SUCH a great network of foster and adoptive moms.   

ellajune2012

I have been lurking on this board for a few weeks, trying to learn as much as I can about this process, but I haven't posted yet. I'm mainly coming out to respond here not because I can help (I also know nothing!) but I live really close to you in NJ ... so I just wanted to say if you want to talk more offline/have someone to go through this process with you and share what we've learned I'd be happy to.

Not sure how the whole PM thing goes here but feel free to get in touch and I'll figure it out. Good luck!