Pity, party of 1

ASmallWonder

Your table is ready!  I just need to biitch and it's long.  Sorry.

I've talked about my issues with my mother ad nauseum.  Suffice it to say, we don't speak and clearly won't see her for Christmas.  Which is for the best.  My father is a different character.  He means no harm but is content to basically be left alone.  I don't think he really cares if anyone speaks to him but he talks to you if you call or ask him to visit.  He has always struggled with depression to a degree and for some reason, Christmas brings it out in a bad way.  He bails on Christmas weeks in advance saying he doesn't think he'll "feel up to it."  He already mentioned this to me several weeks ago, before he bailed on Thanksgiving, morning of.  I'm fairly used to it and know I can't take it personally but it still sucks.

The one family member I really care about is my brother.  He's been out of the country for years at a time but is home now and it's been great.  He adores Christmas and was supposed to stay over with us Christmas Eve and be there to see Aiden open presents in the morning, have breakfast and a nice lunch.  It was just going to be the small group of us.

Well, he's had some girl troubles that have left him discouraged with dating and since he also struggles with some depression, that's sent him into a funk.  He just emailed me that he's thinking he won't be snapped out of it by Christmas and can't fake it so there's a good chance he won't be coming.  He said "I know what you're thinking.  That your whole family is a bunch of selfish asssholes.  I don't entirely disagree.  Just try not to get mad."  I don't know what to say to him.

I'm not mad.  I'm sad.  I know people struggling with their feelings aren't factoring me in and I rationally know that they don't have to.  It just hurts to have two parents and a brother and feel abandoned by ALL of them for one reason or another.  Pregnancy hormones aren't helping because I'm in tears, which I know is stupid.

/novel 

RondackHiker

Can you tell him he doesn't have to fake it? I mean, if he's staying away just because he doesn't want to act super happy and smiley all day, could he come and just chill, with no pressure? I feel bad for him and for you.

I'm sorry you're having a rough time.

gy86

Yeah, judging by the quote you included I'd say he's still pretty down.  If I read this right, he's projecting a lot of untrue beliefs upon himself, as if you (his family) have accused him of being an *** (which you haven't).  I would reaffirm that you're not mad with him, and simply restate everything you said here on this board: he's your brother, you care about him, it's been a long time since you've seen him, and that the invitation still stands if he would like to join you.  How far away does he live?  Maybe it would be possible to get together with him before or after Christmas in a less-formal setting, like joining you for a walk or grabbing a casual cup of coffee. 

I've struggled a lot with depression myself.  When I get into a funk, I immediately get defensive and assume nobody would want to hang out with me, I'm not worthy of good company, I have no friends, etc etc REGARDLESS of whether this is even true.  It sounds like that's what's going on with him. 

Just continue to reach out to him.  If he lives nearby, I might try dropping by just to say hi one day.  Perhaps leave him a care-package of christmas cookies or something to let him know you're thinking of him.  If he chooses not to participate in holiday festivities, fine -- but if it's just his depression getting the better of him, at least you tried to include him rather than pushing him out.  When he gets over this hurdle he'll be able to see that.

GrayGhost13

RondackHiker:

Can you tell him he doesn't have to fake it? I mean, if he's staying away just because he doesn't want to act super happy and smiley all day, could he come and just chill, with no pressure? I feel bad for him and for you. I'm sorry you're having a rough time.

This was my thought too. And I don't know what your house is like, but if you had a space where he could go take a breather if he needed some alone time, offering that up might help too. It sounds like he's afraid to disappoint everyone. Maybe the reassurance that no one has any specific expectations, and he can be himself (and veg out or leave if needed) will be enough to get him to come.

Beyond that, I'm just so sorry. You have every right to feel sad and disappointed not to have the kind of warm, family holiday most of us long for. On the bright side, I am sure when Christmas Day rolls around you will have a great day with your son and DH, even they're the only ones there for you. ::hugs::