Need some advice...

najzomax

Some of you may remember my previous posts but for those who don't my husband and I have had some problems adjusting since LO was born.  Things have gotten a little better but not great...

DH still doesn't give her baths, bottles, put her down for naps, get her dressed, or any of the regular day to day care. He will play with her for about a half hour (usually while sitting in front of the laptop, tv or ipad) before she gets bored and starts to whine and she comes back to me.

Well now I am going to have to start making some money which is going to take me out of the house for 3-4 hours a week. I will be hosting parties in other peoples homes showcasing the products for the company I chose. I obviously cant bring her with me (he suggested I try to) and he is going to have to start doing some of these things. He knows that he has to but doesn't really want to. LO doesnt nap well for anyone but me because I have always been the one to put her to sleep.  How do I help them transition? There is no choice about this.  The only other option is a real part time job and that would mean being gone even more often.

Also, we EBF and she is still not STTN so he wants to switch her to formula because he thinks this way she wont wake up.  What he wants is for me to plan the parties for after her bedtime, put her to bed and then leave but he doesn't want her to wake up while I am gone so he doesn't have to figure out how to get her back to sleep. I told him I would pump so he could give her bottles if needed but he wants to do formula so that she sleeps better. To me this is just selfish. Why should she have to transition to formula just so he doesn't have to learn to put her to sleep...

Its hard for me to say but I am really nervous leaving her with him because not only does he not know how to comfort her... he doesn't want to learn either How do I tell him that? 

Am I being unreasonable for thinking he's being selfish and needs to figure out how to do this stuff? How can I make this easier for LO?

Sorry I am rambling... I'm just so confused and angry... 

 

fryrat

My DH says I'm just better at it. Truth is, he travels a lot and I just do it more often. We have a day coming up where he will be with her all day by himself, so we took a day when we were both here, and he did everything he was not comfortable doing. He practiced putting her down just the way she likes, feeding, etc. He liked that I was there, so if she fussed I could give him tips (like, "just put the pacifier in and she'll sleep longer" or "if she fusses while you're feeding her, give a little bit of her bottle in between bites"). It worked well for him to build that confidence. Yes, he was in the "you feed her. she's crying. you do it better." phase at one point, and we've come a long way.

You could also schedule a dentist appt or something, where you have to be away and unable to take LO with you...

najzomax

Thank you. I do have a dentist appointment coming up so he will have to watch her for that. I have suggested him doing things while I am here but he doesn't even want to try. I will definitely suggest it to him again and use you as an example... Maybe if he knows it worked for you he will be more willing to give it a shot.

 

bellelamb

Also remember its ok if he does things differently! My boys all three won't calm down for dad the same ways they do for me and viceversa. But they do just fine for dad, or they cry which is ok too.

Formula won't make a lo sttn so that's a silly solution, if anything I can just cause an upset tummy.

kgauntt

Why does he think formula will make your baby sleep better? That doesn't even make sense.. Also, the fact that he wants you to sacrifice your BFing relationship... well, you said it... beyond selfish. I'd be livid.

First off, it sounds like you need to decide whether or not you are even comfortable with leaving the baby with him. If you aren't, then don't. Find someone else. From what you said, it sounds like he wants zero responsibility for caring for your child. You can't make him want to do more things. Sounds like he needs to grow up, but like I said, you can't really shape him into what you want him to be. I'm a firm believer in people have to want to change for themselves...

For what it's worth, my marriage is not perfect either, but what you're describing sounds terrible. I feel for you and hope he wakes up...

tarapike86

I felt the same way when our first was born. I felt like I did EVERYTHING and he just played with them a little. In other words my life completely changed and his did not. He didn't begin having more interaction with them until they were a little older. Around two. Now he does everything for ten, and I feel left out. He is much better with tem when they can walk/talk and play. Good luck to you
Tara

najzomax

Well he gave it a try tonight but it didn't go well. After about 20 min of listening to her cry herself hoarse I caved and went in (bad mommy, I know). He did try and that's what I asked him to do.

we are going to try again tomorrow night but I am going to leave the house this time. I just couldn't sit back and do nothing while she cried like that... I've never heard her cry like that

he said that she just kept looking over her shoulder at the door and sobbed. What can I do to help her?  

Suzanne68

You are not being unreasonable at all. You have to parent together. Maybe you can sit down and have a serious talk with him? Try to be calm, make a list of things you need to address. It will be hard enough for you to be away from your baby and you will be extra stressed thinking of what he is or is not doing. Maybe he can start doing things for LO along side you to learn? You will need to be mentally calm to make a good sale otherwise it will be pointless to do the parties. I would have a real serious talk with him in general because doing them after her bedtime doesn't seem to make sense. As far ass formula, my daughter has been formula fed since birth and wakes at least 2 times if not more for a bottle (we are trying to nip that now).  The formula probably won't help and if you want her to have breast milk there is no reason to bother with formula for the only reason of sleeping longer. I think that is selfish of him! Many babies including mine wake up many times a night, that is part of parenting. I wish you the best of luck, I know coming to agreements with husbands are not that easy.