Scared on dealing with blends

ThreePlus2More

I have been married for 9 yrs. My 3 children are by my husband so I have never had the need for dealing with this. However, I am expecting twins due in May that will probably come in early April. Their bio dad is not my husband and I am still married to and will continue to be with my husband. I do not know how to fit the twins bio dad family into this. We found out about a lot of lies told later such as drugs with the bio dad so His involvement will be limited but his parents really want involvement. I have known them for 28 yrs.

xmaryrickx

So. Let's break this down so we know what we are feeling with. You had an affair with a man whose family you have known for 28 years. You and your husband have decided to stay together and raise these children, that were conceived as a result of your affair. The biofather is not going to be involved in their lives but you would like to keep his extended family involved. Honestly I think it's a terrible idea. I don't think there is a way to may it work. Unless you want to be honest with the kids from a very young age but that opens up a whole new can of worms. What does your husband want to do?

+just+j+

Holy. Canolies.

I have no words.  Except, thank you for making my past marriage and his family look like a walk in the park.

I wish you the very best tho in resolving this mess. 

twister22

Holy crap. Honestly, I don't see how you can make this work successfully. Your husband will likely be presumed the father. The only way bio dad will be listed is if he fights it, which sounds like he won't since he doesn't (I presume) want to see the twins or pay CS for them.

The grandparents don't have any legal rights to the twins if your H is presumed the father and not their son/BD.

If your H plans to raise these twins as his own, I would leave BD's parents out of it.

This is a hard road you're on, and I don't think there's a cut and dry answer. We can't know every aspect of your situation, and what I said is how I think I would handle it, although I don't ever see myself in that mess. (No offense.) 

Littlejen22

The kids have a right to know that your DH is not their bioDad and the only right time to find that out is from day one and not when they are older and realize their parents lies to them all their lives. I am adopted and always knew but people that I know who found out even at 4yo still have a bitter taste about being lied too.

J&A2008

Eeek.  You mention that the biodad told a lot of lies.  Are you saying this because you didn't?  Did your H and the bio-dad know of each other?

If so, did you ever discuss the possibility of pregnancy?  Was it all planned this way?

ThreePlus2More

I want to keep his parents, the babies grandparents involved. They are not parents who just believes their son can do no wrong and they are willing to go by my rules. Yes I did have an affair. There is a lot more to that. My husband says that Daniel may be the twins' bio father but he is their Dad. He started looking at names today and I saw Trey my husband looking up info on twins.

ThreePlus2More

I am trying to reply but not sure if I am doing this correctly. I did tell some lies to a husband who was exhibiting physical abuse towards me. I left him for a time. The lies I told are still lies. They did not risk others lives though and those lies did not include things about hard core drugs and shoving me into a world I never knew existed. I am def not innocent. I am determined in putting my marriage and life back together.

ThreePlus2More

JA2008:

Eeek.nbsp; You mention that the biodad told a lot of lies.nbsp; Are you saying this because you didn't?nbsp; Did your H and the biodad know of each other?If so, did you ever discuss the possibility of pregnancy?nbsp; Was it all planned this way?

. Yes my husband Trey and biodad knew of each other. Trey did not know of the sexual relationship since I have been best friends with this guy for 20 plus years. I did not intend to get pregnant. Trey and I were done with having children. It was NOT planned this way at all. My husbAnd began to suspect the pregnancy but we both tried to avoid it all. Biodad Daniel did not react well initially to the pregnancy.

ThreePlus2More

I was a horrible judge of character but Daniel was not like this in the past. I have always thought the world of him. He protected me in high school. I remember so many church services with him etc. the only thing I knew remotely close was that a year and a half ago he was addicted to prescription pain pills. He went through Teen Challenge with all clean drug tests. He was in recovery and I had seen no red flags yet to think differently. I feel very stupid that I did not know! The types if drugs that I found out about later just disgusts me.

ThreePlus2More

I think his parents would be fine with just being family friends. These babies are their first grandchildren. I do plan to tell the twins at some point as I never want to lie to them.

Phantomgirl

ThreePlus2More:

I was a horrible judge of character but Daniel was not like this in the past. I have always thought the world of him. He protected me in high school. I remember so many church services with him etc. the only thing I knew remotely close was that a year and a half ago he was addicted to prescription pain pills. He went through Teen Challenge with all clean drug tests. He was in recovery and I had seen no red flags yet to think differently. I feel very stupid that I did not know! The types if drugs that I found out about later just disgusts me.

Did you say teen challenge?  How old are you guys?

Also what has your DH done about the fact that he believes it is ok to physically attrack you?  Has he or is he in counselling?

If not it WILL happen again. 

Littlejen22

So many questions. If you are adults and knew his parents for 28 years why was the bioDad in a teen program a year ago. Why are you staying with a man that physically abused you? And how do you plan to keep the bioDad's involvement limited, do you realize that is up to him and the court and not your choice and it can change greatly over the years?

lookame3639

Mass confusion!

cole2144

So this man that you created two children with and thought the world of is all of a sudden a monster? Yet you want his family involved. Not sure if I am buying that. Maybe your husband has stated this guy could have no involvement if he was to stay? Also why would you want to parent children with an abuser! It is one thing to chose to stay if it is just you but as a parent you have to put these children first.