SD diagnosed with depression/anxiety

dawnm975

SD16 has been going to counseling for many years. I had read she talked about suicide and talked to her counselor and around that same time, SD had written a letter and gave it to her counselor about her thoughts and how she thought she wasn't a good person, etc. She was referred to a psych. and after testing she was diagnosed with depression/anxiety and immediately put her on medication.  The doctor said it would take 3 - 4 weeks to become fully effective, and we found out after only 2 weeks BM had taken her back to the doctor and had doubled the dose of medication.  We're just trying to figure out how to best help SD and we went to a counseling session with her and BM where they talked more about the diagnosis.  BM was all over the fact that this was all our fault and we're too hard on her and there's too much pressure, she shouldn't even be thinking about college yet (she's a sophmore) and it doesn't matter what her grades are because as long as she's happy that's what counts.

Yes we all agreed we want her to be happy, but wow - really - grades don't matter at all?  We just let BM go on her tangent and the counselor did a good job of steering her back to what we were there to discuss.  A big eye opener was we found out what we tell SD isn't what she hears.  SD has always had good grades, and part of last year and this year has really gone down hill.  DH would say he wants her to do the best she can and offers to help her with homework, questions, and I've brought her to school early to work on things and in the session she said DH expects her to be perfect and get straight A's - DH has NEVER said that but that's what SD believes.  Part of it is the anxiety, but I believe BM has a lot of influence on it too.  She was bad mouthing DH right in front of SD. Sadly, BM does the same thing - DH will say something to her and BM will interpert it completely different.  It just terrifies me that SD is going through this.  We're working with the counselor, doing a lot of reading, talking to people, but just don't feel like it's enough.  And the next time BM says something bad about DH in front of SD - I want to smack her; but of course I won't.....

dawnm975

The majority of time SD is alone in her counseling sessions. Sometimes it's all of us or just her and DH or her, DH and I, or SD and BM.  We've been attending more recently just to get a handle on what SD is going through and what we can do to help.

The influence is happening with things such as SD was asking a lot about changing the schedule and she finally admitted that BM had been complaining about taking her to school and gas costing too much.  We said this was an adult issue and she shouln't have to worry about things like this. One of MANY examples.

There's someone that SD babysits for and as a teenager she went through a similar situation with the anxiety and has been there for SD and us to talk to which has helped.  She is now in her 30's and was only on meds for a few years and has learned techniques to help the anxiety.

lb1212

First off, so sorry you're having to go through with this.

I think it's great that everyone went to a therapy session together. That's a huge thing! I would recommend on scheduling a session with the therapist - either with or without DH, so you can talk about your feelings of wanting/needing to do more. I've heard of families who keep a "family journal" - one that is kept in the living room that they all write in. Sometimes it's easier to share thoughts and feelings - nonverbally!

Littlejen22

I wish I had great advice, sorry you all are going through this. The one thing I did notice though was that if she twists what you say to get she might do the same to BM too. Unless BM confirms something or you hear it yourself you have to assume it is misconstrued.

For example although it might be a bad example BM might have stopped to get gas and said how she connit believe how expensive it has gotten which is a normal comment to make, I know I say it in font of my kids and SD might think that is why she wants to change days when reality could be that work needs her in earlier.

Now that example could be bad and you might have heard that from BM but my point is that people who twist words rarely do it to just one person.

graciesmurf

Lurker:

I was diagnosed with depression at 14. If you're not looking for advice then skip this. Otherwise:

 

1.) Watch her until she adjusts to the medicine. The first brand I was put on made things much worse for me, but after switching, I have something that has worked for 10 years now.

 

2.) Learn what triggers her depression and anxiety and help her avoid those things/thoughts. This is difficult because there is not always a trigger. This will take a while and can't be done without SD's effort. It sounds like she likes to write, have her keep journals and look for trends on what happens before or during her bad days. If it's something she can avoid do your best to help her. Let her discuss them with you. Don't read the journal unless you're concerned she is or is going to hurt herself.

3.) Replace "happy" with "healthy". Depression is an illness. It starts internally and it affects a person's mood, but it is not the same thing as being sad. Sadness is a feeling, which is a response to an external event. A person with depression can be both healthy and sad at the same time. If your SD gets a bad grade on a test she might be sad for a day (or longer) but able to come out of that mood and want to do better. If SD is depressed over a bad grade, she will not be able to overcome it and it causes a snowball effect (i.e. "nothing I do is ever good enough; I'm a bad person").  When healthy, a person can feel all emotions:  happy, sad, angry, excited, jealous, surprised, and so on.   When unhealthy, a depressed person can only feel depressed.

With #3 in mind, don't say to her, "I want you to always be happy". Instead, say, "I want you to always be healthy. I want you to be able to feel all emotions."

4.) This is the hardest one. It is not your fault. It's not DH's fault. It's not BM's fault. If she has a stepfather or any siblings, it's not their fault. No one at her school caused her to be depressed. There are chemicals in her brain that will not let her move away from certain moods/thoughts. Therefore, she stays on them and they make her anxious and depressed.  If you haven?t yet, do a little research on what causes depression and how depression works.

I hope at least some of this helps. Best of luck to all of you.

FutureMrsWittig

I know this is not entirely possible, but I hope it helps you feel better.  Try putting yourself in your SDs shoes.  You're feeling depressed, anxious, and caught in the middle.

What do you want your parents/step parents to do for you?

I think you'll see that everything ya'll are doing, is everything she needs.  Getting her help, getting her medicine, watching her closely and supporting her as much as you can.  Let her know what you guys are doing: reading up, keeping in touch with her counselor, etc... and that you want to know if there's anything else you can do for her.

T&P are with you and your SD.

dawnm975

Thank you everyone for the thoughts, advice, and sharing of personal stories. I really appreciate the help and looknig for it anywhere I can find it It will be doing a lot of reading and talking to people because this is something we have 0 experience with. I like the thought of being healthy vs happy - no one is happy ALL the time and it's good way to view it. I hope this was her hitting the "low" and it progresses upward from here. I think she realizes we all support her and we are there for her whatever we can be.