Feeling horrible (kids mentioned, not mine) — The Bump
Late Term and Child Loss

Feeling horrible (kids mentioned, not mine)

There's a couple that we know through friends of ours.  We're not super close but we see them a few times a year and they're super nice people.  I'm friends with both of them on FB.  The wife has a blog that she's posted on FB over the last few months and I've been reading it.  In it, she's mentioned briefly that her youngest son has a few health problems.  Today she decided to share their story - about how their youngest son almost became an angel when he was 3 weeks old.  He had RSV.  That's what Corbin had.  Her child lived though.  I felt compelled to read it and connected with so many of her feelings as I did.  At the same time I'm just so angry.  Why did her child make it and not mine?  I feel horrible for even thinking it.  I'm so scared of who I have become.  I swear I'm not that horrible of a person but I find myself having horrible thoughts like this all the time.

 

In memory of Corbin Scott 10/28/11-12/3/11. Heaven got another angel the night you left this world behind Heaven got a little better the day it took you away from me Missing you tonight, see you again sometime For now I'll close my eyes and dream of heaven tonight I'll love you forever I'll like you for always Now and Forever My baby you'll be

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corbinsmommy.blogspot.com


 

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Re: Feeling horrible (kids mentioned, not mine)

  • First of all ((hugs)).  Second, you are not a horrible person for having those thoughts.  Quick story...a very close girl friend and I watched the horror of 9/11 from 5th Avenue...both of our Dads worked in the WTC (as did I, but happened to be at our 5th Avenue office that morning).  So anyway, my dad made it out of the towers but hers did not.  She has said to me that she is jealous and doesn't understand why my dad made it out but hers didn't.  That comment never offended me.  I knew her dad well and was devestated about his loss too.  Fast forward 11 years later and we both got pregnant at the same time and our due dates were one day apart.  Now my baby died and hers didn't.  I completely understand your thoughts.  Life is so unfair.

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    BFP#1 - 11/27/09 EDD 8/5/10, DS1 arrived 7/24/10 via emergency c-section.

    BFP#2 - 6/18/12 EDD 2/23/13, sweet baby girl born sleeping on 10/4/12 at 19 weeks, 3 days.

    BFP #3 - 1/18/13 EDD 10/1/13, natural mc on 2/2/13 at 5 weeks, 4 days.

    BFP #4 - 8/29/13 EDD 5/12/14, our sweet rainbow, DS2 born 4/29/14 via c-section

  • ((HUGS)). You are not horrible, and there is no answer to your question. It is totally normal for us to question why we got the short end of the stick. That's why some of us blame ourselves, some blame others, some blame God, but in the end, there is still no answer.


      Our Angel Patricia born sleeping 3/30/12 at 31 weeks
    Our Fighter Anna born early 1/8/13 at 26 weeks
    Hoping to bring home #3 due 9/9/15
  • You are not horrible. I think it's natural for people to question why things happen, especially bad things. I had a cousin have a baby at around 36 weeks who was smaller than Devon was when he was born sleeping at 34 weeks - I automatically thought that it wasn't fair that her baby got to live while mine didn't, and I immediately felt horrible. I promise I'm not that mean, bitchy person either, but that thought process just happens. *hugs*
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  • In no way should you feel horrible! What you are feeling is perfectly normal because clearly we all have felt it to, myself included!

    Today I had a coworker bring in her baby that was born a few weeks after Bradley. I couldn't handle it and just kept asking myself why she got to keep her baby and I didn't. Obviously I don't want others to go through what we are going through, but at the same time I think if I can't have a baby, then others shouldn't be able to either! I'm fortunate to have a coworker who experienced a loss, and when I told her what I was feeling she told me I didn't have to explain it to her! She got me, and I get you too.

    You're not horrible!!!!!!!
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  • I know its a scary to feel so angry and jealous, but it's completely normal.  We all have those feelings.

    My husbands co-work's wife was due the same day as me, well her water broke at 36 weeks, her baby came early and was totally fine.

    After my loss, another friend of ours who was pregnant with an unplanned pregnancy, drank and smoked during beginning before she knew about it, had a quickie wedding. She delivered her baby very early his head was so small... the size of the palm of your hand.  He was fine and lived. 

    I felt and still feel a tremendous amount of resentment towards these women and even their babies.  I truly would not wish this on anyone, but I wish it didn't happen me.  Hopefully the why me and not them, wont be so overwhelming with time.

           

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    BFP #1 Jan. 2011 - mmc Mar. 2011 
    BFP #2 Aug. 2011 - My sleeping angel Stella, born April 21, 2012 
    BFP #3 Nov. 2012 - mmc Dec. 2012
    BFP #4 April 2013 - mc May 2013
    BFP #5 Sept. 2013 - EDD 5.24.14
  • Seems like many of us have struggled with resentment and anger... For me it was dealing with the fact that my sil, cousin, and aunt all had babies within 3 months after we lost Edyn. I definately didnt want them to feel the pain and saddness I was feeling and I really do love those babies, but I just got so upset because I couldnt have MY baby with me too... It was, and continues to be, difficult to see them all so happy together. I feel awful that I still feel that way but we have to realize that we're not horrible people we're just grieving. Thoughts and prayers for you and all the loss mamas tonight.
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  • image jbranden12:
    ((HUGS)). You are not horrible, and there is no answer to your question. It is totally normal for us to question why we got the short end of the stick. That's why some of us blame ourselves, some blame others, some blame God, but in the end, there is still no answer.

    This.  I really could not express this any better. 


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  • ((Big hugs)) You are not a bad person thinking that. My step sis was pg the same time I was last yr with her 3rd (1st girl) and when my dad txt me after she had her little girl I ran in the bathroom at work and cried. All the time thinking she got her little girl, why couldn't I get to keep mine too? And at the beginning of the yr the first birth at my hospital was a woman that already had 3 boys and she had her girl, her last child, and kept going on about how she finally has her lil princess and I'm still pissed off about that e-mail (it was in our newsletter) Of all the emails I don't get from work, why did they have to make sure I got that one? I would never wish this life on anybody. But I'm still so sad and still pretty jealous. It's normal among us loss moms. Here's some more ((hugs))
    Tim 12/30/00 Brad 4/30/02 Alex 9/29/03 Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers
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