Family feuding during Christmas - help.

Luckie519

My mom and sister had a falling out back in August.  I was honestly hoping they would patch things up by Christmas, but that does not look like it's going to happen.  I work both Christmas Eve and Day, so I have invited our family over on the Sunday before to have our "Christmas Eve."

I originally made the plans with my sister and then my mom was invited.  In conversation, I mentioned my mom wanting to bring her new BF, and my sister basically told me she was not coming if my mom was going to be there.

I feel that my sister's feelings towards my mom are somewhat valid, however I was hoping they could at least be talking and making an effort to be civil, especially since my sister has a 2 year old.

Without going into great detail, my mom has not made much effort to see my LO or my niece, she cares more about men and going out and partying.  My sister had some medical issues and my mom was too into her own life to even visit or call my sister.  When my sister was admitted to the hospital the first time around, my mom did take my niece, but seriously complained about it every single day, then harassed my sister for days to get the $9 back for the diapers my mom had to buy.  Our dad passed away at the end of September and the only call I got from my mom was one the evening of, because DH texted her and told her she needed to and one a couple days later to see who would be getting my dad's money.

 I have tried talking to my sister and asking her to put everything aside for one night, but she refuses.  It's also putting me in the middle.  I am upset with my mom also, but I want DS to see her for Christmas.  I have made arrangements for another day with my mom, but I would much rather have everyone over on one day, together.

Any suggestions or advice?  Especially after losing my dad, I want everyone together for Christmas.

CinemaGoddess

I wouldn't force your mom to come to Christmas.  It sounds like she's not interested in celebrating the holiday and forcing her to show up would cause more drama than you need right now.  It wouldn't be a happy Christmas for anyone involved. 

I would invite her and your sister.  Let them decide whether or not they want to come.   I understand wanting to have your entire family in the same place for Christmas, but sometimes it's better for everyone involved if someone stays away so the rest of you can enjoy yourselves without walking on eggshells the entire night. 

Luckie519

Thanks,  I should clarify - my mom does want to come to Christmas Eve.  She has tried once to talk to my sister, but my sister isn't budging at all. 

I think it is probably best to just do our scheduled night and get together with my mom.  I think if they both showed up, it would end up being a disaster.

CinemaGoddess

Oh, that sounds like a great idea.  Maybe you can take your mom out to lunch for your holiday GTG. 

RockyTopVols

I am stubborn. I would say that you are doing it one night. Both are invited. If you come, great. If not, sorry you couldn't suck it up one night .

It isn't up to you to patch their relationship. And I have taken the position of not catering to the drama llamas of the family.

Then again I can be a jerk so... There is that.

MommaG123

mbenit4:

You invited both of them. Now leave it alone. Whoever shows up does and who doesn't doesn't. You can't control what other people do so don't worry about it.

I agree with this to an extent but then what if both of them don't show up because they can't suck it up?

Then OPs kids suffer because they don't get to see their grandma, aunt, or cousins.

I dunno.  The whole thing sucks.  Sorry you're having to deal with it. 

MommaG123

mbenit4:

It does suck but like I said, you can't control what other people do. So you will stress about it and that doesn't hurt anyone but you.

We have an epic clusterfuck going on SO's side but what can we do? Nothing. My kids don't notice people missing unless someone says it. 

Just like OP's kids won't see whoever, her sister's kids won't see this side and the grandmother is not going to see her grandchildren which from OP doesn't sound like she cares. 

Yeah I get what you're saying.  Although after reading OPs comment again it seems like maybe the gma will show up and just the sister won't so who knows.

I guess I just don't get why they can't just be adults and be in the same room for a day to celebrate I guess.  I dunno.  I'm lucky (and thankful) in that all of our family gets along so it's not something we have to worry about.  It's just finding time to drive 4+ and 12+ hours to see family when we still have to work Christmas Eve & Christmas that sucks.  

Disneygeek77

ehhh, I can see where your sister is coming from.  Personally, I don't see it as sucking up as much as having strong boundaries.  It seems to me that your sister has cut your mom out of her life in order to protect herself and her children.  I mean really, she called soon after your dad passed away and asked if she was getting any money ?  That is just a terrible thing to do and then harassing her when she was in the hospital ?  Why would your mother do something like that ?

Now, don't get me wrong, I can see where you are coming from too and why you feel like you are stuck in between a rock and  a hard place, but if your sister is cutting your mom out of her life, then that means cutting her out of her life and yes that will include not attending family functions where your mom will be present.  I just think your sister feels stuck in between a rock and a hard place too.  She needs to protect herself and her family from your mother's toxicity, but she also wants to see you and your family.  I know you might be thinking "Oh can't she just suck it up for Christmas?"  but then it becomes "Oh, can't she just suck it up for so and so's birthday, or Easter or the 4th of July or Halloween."  Soon you are right back where your started.  A line has to be drawn somewhere and it seems your sister has chosen Christmas to draw that line. 

I do agree with PPs about just inviting them both and seeing where the cards fall.  If they both show up and are civil, great.  If your sister declines, then I can understand that too.  Maybe plan another fun activity with your sister, because if your mother doesn't improve, you might be in the same place as your sister one day. 

Wufroggy79

Invite both, but expect that maybe one or the other isn't going to come.  I understand wanting everyone to get along, but it sounds like there are some deep issues here that are going to take time to mend.