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Parenting
"It should be the mother"
So DS2 was born last Thursday. My mom came to stay with DS1 while we were in the hospital. She came with DS1 a couple of times to visit at the hospital. Both sets of parents had offered to help after we came home but we had told people we'd probably be okay without help so we came home and my mom went home. Well it turns out we underestimated and needed more help than we thought.
We decided to call DH's parents because my mom had already been here for a couple of days and we didn't really have a place for her to stay anyway (DH's parents bring their camper and park it in our driveway). So anyways, my mom is now all offended that she wasn't the one we asked to come help. She said it should be the mother of the daughter who gets to help. She said she's hardly been able to hold him (she did in the hospital) and an invitation to come would have been nice (said this right after I invited them to come this weekend).
So what do you think? Is it always the mother who should come help? I told her that makes me sad since I only have sons. She said she still thought that the "mother of the mother" is the one who should be helping, not in-laws. Why do I feel so guilty about this? It has been six days since he was born. The first few days I could barely talk, I was so out of it. I just was not thinking that much about how anyone felt.
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Re: "It should be the mother"
1st, congratulations! And I'm sorry your mother is guilt tripping you. There's no need for that IMO.
No, it shouldn't be the mother of the mother. It should be whoever is helping you out the most and not stressing you out. Tell your mom that in laws are grandparents to your kids too, and they would like time with the baby as well.
Congrats!
I'm sure your mom's feelings are hurt and/or she's a little jealous but there's no rule that the mother of the mother has to be the one to help when the other parents are quite capable. She needs to not give you a hard time.
Plus when I think of "helping" after a baby comes I think of helping with the cooking and cleaning. Coming to hold your baby is not very helpful.
Edit: and I probably say this because I also have two sons. And it makes my heart hurt to think I could get cut out one day.
Thanks! Yeah I agree, I just feel bad. Oh and I am the same person who posted a few weeks ago about my mom taking the prenatal hospital tour by herself. I don't know why she wanted to she just tries to be over involved sometimes I think.
Your mom is being mean. She saw the kid, it is your in law's turn. They deserve time with the grand baby too.
Why should she "get to help"? Really, why? You have good reasons for asking your in laws. It is not fair of her to guilt trip you.
Yeah, I did give her the reasons but she didn't really seem to accept that. Thanks!
Thanks for this. Yeah, I know I am probably hormonal so that's not helping either. I guess I can understand her point of view but you're right, she shouldn't be making me feel bad about it.
It should be whoever you want and whatever you need.
And your mom can come help after your inlaws leave. There is no finite time limit for helping a new mom.
Sorry she's being weird.
Me too! Although for the most part I think it's more proximity than anything. My husband's brother lives 10 minutes from his parents. His wife parents live 4 hours away. So in that case, the in-laws definitely help out more. Your boys are so adorable!
Thank you! I'm so mad I can't see siggies on bump mobile! I was hoping to see a new, squishy newborn in this post! I bet he is a cutie!
He is a cutie
. I don't have pictures up but maybe I will post one later. My oldest actually looks a little bit like your oldest!
Your mom has flawed logic. I promise she was the mother of your husband she would say it should be the "mother of the father".
And as pointed out, helping isn't about "holding the baby" lol.
Your mom sucks. Sorry.
But at least she isn't like that other mom who tests their grandkids autoimmune deficiency by letting your kid eat cat shiit off the floor.
Congratulations on the new baby! That really sucks that your mom is giving you a guilt trip. Like you need that combined with all of the PP hormones.
I am personally much closer to my mom and both sets of grandparents live in our town, so when I needed help, I always called my mom. I don't think it always has to be the mom's mom though. My MIL used to be a nurse, so there were times that I would have H call and ask his mom questions, but for the most part, I leaned on my mom for help.
It is also part of the reason I was so excited about having a girl of my own. Girls are just typically closer to their moms (assuming they have a good mom) but I have several friends that are super close to their MILs so I wouldn't get sad thinking about having boys.
All that being said though, I think you made the right choice calling your ILs. My mom stayed with us the first night we were home after having DD and it was a little stressful. We were so ready to have the house to ourselves again.
I prefer the kind of help my MIL provides over that of my mother. My mom's version of help is holding the baby and trying to tell me how to do things the correct way. My MIL's version of help is cleaning, cooking, and making freezer meals for when she leaves. On top of this my mom is a messy person, never does her dishes or even puts them in the sink.
When LO arrives, she will be coming up for stay at our house with DS, and basically do whatever DH needs her to do with him. My SIL has offered to come over and clean up after my mom before I get home from the hospital so that her mess doesn't stress me out.
Your mom needs to relax, this is not about her. You just had a baby, right now it is about what you and your family need.
A lot of women might feel more comfortable with their own mother but I don't think it's necessary for it to be her. I think it's really unfair to assume that. The father's mother has just as much right and it's just as much her grandchild and family.
I would not feel guilty about this at all.You didn't do anything wrong.