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And with that call, it is all over...

arbutusbridearbutusbride member
in Infertility

My nurse just called and my level went from 41 to 5 over the weekend.  I knew from previous experiences what was going to happen, (first beta was 31, second was 41 so the drop was inevitable) but I still held out a tiny sliver of hope. 

DH and I agreed that this would be our last attempt at making a baby through fertility treatments. Although I am sad that this journey has ended, I am a bit relieved that it is over.  Is it bad that I feel that way? After 4 IUI's, 2.5 IVF's, 3, no make it 4 c/p's I am just tired of the disappointment.  As I write this I feel a little bit of the weight lifting off of my shoulders.

So I guess it is on to the next chapter of our story.  Will I look at a pregnant woman and feel a little pang of jealousy, yeah. But looking at that same pregnant woman and I can now think "She could be the birthmother of my future child." So with that, I will put a little smile on my face. 

I will look to the positive side of our situation. Pregnancy is one way to build a family but it is not the only way.  

I am not a hardcore poster but I spend a lot of time on the boards. It is the only place where my feelings have truly felt validated, where everyone supports everyone (except for the occasional troll), and I know I can vent without being judged.   Thank you for the support and I wish every single person the best of luck.  I hope that your dreams are realized.  

Rebecca

Pursing Domestic Infant Adoption through a local agency. In the meantime, our dog is our baby.  Bumping from Portland, Oregon. 
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Re: And with that call, it is all over...

  • Girls2Boys0Girls2Boys0
    Oh no, oh sweetheart. You have an amazing attitude. You WILL be a fantastic mom to some lucky child. You're right. Pregnancy is not the only way to build a family.
    Report Reply
  • DoublePortionDoublePortion member
    Huge ((hugs)) and best wishes for a happier rest of your story!

    ***signature & ticker warning***

    Me: 30 ~ Stage IV Endo ~ AMH .38 ~ AFC 8
    AMH .97 as of 4/2012! ~ AMH 1.63 as of 4/2013!?!
    Him: 29 ~ perfect swimmers
    Laparotomy w/partial oophorectomy 8/2009 to remove cysts/endo.
    Stopped BCP 4/2010.
    Multiple clomid rounds from 11/2010 to 6/2011. ~ All BFN
    IUI w/clomid 7/2011. IUI w/clomid & injectables 11/2011 & 1/2012. ~ All BFN
    IVF:EPP 5/2012 ~ (4R, 3M, 2F w/ICSI). Both embryos txfrd. ~ BFN
    BCP to manage endo from 10/2012 to 12/2012.
    FET w/donor embryos #1: 10/2013 Cancelled
    FET w/donor embryos #1.2: 11/2013     ~ ET of 2 beautiful blasts on 11/27.
    Beta 1: 503(12dp5dt) Beta 2: 1035(14dpt) Beta 3: 3001(16dpt)     Beta 4: 8503(19dpt)
    Twins with an EDD of 8/15/14! Team Purple
    G&B born 6/30/14 at 33w3d via emergency c/s.

    If you're wondering about my avatar...it's a fried pickle chip shaped like a fetus!

    image

    image
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  • firesirenfiresiren member

    BIG HUGE ((HUGS))

    I am so sorry.  I wish things were different for you.   

     36 DH 33 TTC for over 3 years
    First mini-IVF Sept 2011... Only 1 egg! ... BFN
    Switching RE
    IVF#2 May 2012 9 eggs and only 2 sperm, WTH!
    BFN
    IVF #3 March 2013~Tesa with back-up Donor Sperm,Tesa, unsuccessful used DS~ Chemical :(   

    Switching RE's within practice

    2 frosties waiting for us, November 2013!!!!!   Transferred 2 "average" blasts 11/20/2013
    BFP!!!!!!!  Boy/Girl Twins!!!!!! Due 08/08/2014

    My Blog




    *~God gives his hardest battles to his toughest solders. Unknown.
    image
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  • SophistikittySophistikitty member

    I am so very sorry.  It sounds however, that you are mentally ready to move on.  Don?t make any apologies to anyone for that or the relief that you feel.  This is an incredibly hard journey we are all on and the best thing you can do is be true to yourself and listen when your heart says it has had enough.  


    I wish you peace and happiness in the new phase of your journey.  (((Hugs)))


    ***SIGNATURE WARNING***


    TTC #1

    Me 42, DH 47

    Dx = AMA/DOR, MFI

    IVF/ICSI #1 = BFN

    IVF/ICSI #2 = BFP; early loss

    IVF/ICSI #3 (DE) = BFP; early loss

    FET = BFN

    IVF/ICSI #4 (DE w/ CCS) = BFP

    Beta #1 @ 10dp6dt = 265; Beta #2 @ 14dp6dt = 1251. 

    1st U/S @ 6w2d showed one perfect little heartbeat! 

    2nd U/S @ 7w2d. HB 132 & everything measuring on track.

    Our beautiful little girl arrived January 2015!


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  • asilwhiteasilwhite member
    I'm so sorry for your loss ((Hugs)). I wish you nothing but the best of luck as you continue your journey. 
    Oct 13 April Siggy: Bunnies
    The 33 Most Important Bunny GIFs On The Internet


    image

    DS born on 9/30/13 from IVF #1.2!
      Lilypie - (xNS5)
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  • JewelsW1980JewelsW1980 member
    I'm so sorry!

    Me- 32, DH- 32- TTC for 4 Years
    IUIs 1-6 BFN
    IVF #1= BFP- M/C
    FET- Beta#1: 69, #2: 482, #3: 1088, #4: 28,318, Ultrasound- 1 beautiful heartbeat
    It's a boy!

     BabyFruit Ticker

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  • Scoop77Scoop77 member
    What a fantastic attitude you have. I'm sorry that you're going through a loss, but I also am amazed at you managing to keep perspective and realize that, yep, you'll still be a mom. The journey will just be different to get there. Good luck to you!
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  • Crystal120410Crystal120410 member
    I am so sorry for you to have to make that choice but you sound like your ok with your decision. I wish you all the best on your next adventure!
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  • eandk18eandk18 member
    I'm so sorry.  Best of luck with your new journey.
    image


    Our beautiful babies
    <a href="http://lilypie.com/"><img src="http://lb1f.lilypie.com/nNCwm5.png" width="400" height="80" border="0" alt="Lilypie First Birthday tickers" /></a><br>
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
    image
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  • BzeetyDBzeetyD member

    I'm sorry that your road has come to a turning point. I hope the next part of your journey brings you exactly what you want and does it smoothly and happily.

    Big hugs.

    BzeetyD = 38, Mr. BzeetyD = 44 together 12/02 married 9/08
    TTC #1 since 1/10
    DX: Unexplained/??? MFI issues

    Our lil' lost sparks:
    5w3d loss 7/30/10 - EDD March 2011
    8w loss 4/15/11 - EDD November 2011
    8w3d loss 8/2/12 - EDD March 2013
    4w c/p loss 10/29/12 - EDD July 2013

    Long story: trying on our own + testing testing testing with 6 rounds of Clomid, more testing, injectables + TI, laparoscopy - one tube blocked, 2 IUIs with Follistim...BFNs.
    RPL testing all normal, Karyotyping normal

    Moving on to IVF.

    IVF #1 April 2012 = BFN, IVF #2 June 2012 = BFP. U/S 7/23 = saw heartbeat but measuring behind. Follow up U/S on 7/30 - no heartbeat. D&C 8/2. Trisomy 12. IVF #3 Oct 2012 = Chemical Pregnancy

    Phone consult with CCRM on 12/12/12 - ODWU 1/4/13 - both tubes clear(!) - AFC 24, AMH 3.2, FSH 9.6, LH 5.4, E2 25. DH has high frag rate but improved!
    IVF #4 March 2013 CCRM. EP protocol w/ Menopur, Gonal-F & Dexamethasone. ER 3/29 & IMSI, PICSI. 43R 13M 10F 6blasts bio'd. CCS testing reveals 3 normals!!!
    FET 5/31/13 of 1 4AA blast - thawed and expanded. 4dp5dt BFP.
    Beta 9dp5dt = 181, 11dp5dt = 427. 1st u/s showed a healthy heartbeat! EDD 2/16/14

    After 4 years of hoping and heartbreak, our sweet little bean was born on 2/19/14
    We are so in love with her.

    "I'm not telling you it's going to be easy, I'm telling you it's going to be worth it."

    Everybody is welcome!!!
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  • ksfryeksfrye member

    ((BIG hugs Rebecca))  I'm so sorry this happened to you.  

    DH and I think we're also headed for adoption.  We went to a seminar the other weekend and since then, I also look at every pregnant woman as a potential birth mom.  Maybe I'll see over in the Adoption board.  :)

    Happily married Since May 2008. TTC#1 Since May 2010.
    Me: 29, Mild DOR
    DH: 31, SE mostly normal, 1st SE morph 5%, 2nd SE morph 15%...yeah!.
    BFP July 2011, Natural MC August 2011.
    3 cycles of 50mg Clomid = BFN
    *New RE* Feb/Mar 2012 100 mg Clomid + Trigger + IUI = BFN
    *3rd RE* April-June -Break Cycles begin prep for IVF by doing 2 Heparin injects daily....fun fun!
    IVF #1 - ER 7/19, ET 7/24, 2 beautiful embies transferred. Beta 8/2 = BFN
    *New RE...yes again* FET Nov 2012 with our lone ranger = BFFN
    RE Suggests Trying IUI Again, Jan. 2013 IUI #2 =BFN
    Feb. 2013 IUI #3 = BFP!!!, Beta #1 (15dpIUI) = 90, Beta #2 (17dpIUI) = 210, U/S Scheduled for 3/18
    Report Reply
  • Julie21613Julie21613 member
    I'm so very sorry to hear this.  I so admire your attitude.  I wish you all the best and pray your wait isn't a long one.   You are going to be one hellova mom!  
    Me 35, DH 36
    TTC summer 2008
    Diagnose me. DOR, DH perfect
    IUI # 1 6/2010, BFN
    IUI # 2 8/2010, BFN
    IVF # 1 10/2010 Canceled poor response
    IVF 1.2 12/2010 BFP! mc 6 weeks 2 days
    Mental health break for 10 months
    IVF # 2 10/2011 BFN
    IVF # 3 5/2012 BFP! 10 eggs retrieved (best ever)
    7 fertilized transferred 3
    Beta #1 14dpo - 72, Beta #2 17dpo 145 Beta 3 20dpo 521
    First u/s June 15 saw HB 126 bpm missed m/c 7/5/12 10 weeks D&C 7/6/12
    IVF#4 ER 9/30 ET 10/3 Beta 10/16 BFFN. IVF #5 final with o/e. ER 1/21 only 1 retrieved, hoping my lonestar is the one. Beta #1 2/6/13 = 209.... please let this be it! Keep growing lonestar! Beta #2 2/8/13 - 586! , Beta #3 2/10/13 = 1898. First u/s perfect little heart beat at 116 bpm. Measure 6 weeks 1 day. EDD 10/14/13
    3/4/13 measuring right on track beautiful heartbeat 171 bpm, graduated from RE to OB... bittersweet.
    PAIF/SAIF always welcome! Its a girl! 

    Maggie Grace is here!  10/5/13... 8lbs 6 ounces of pure joy!

    TTC#2  No birth control since DD was born.  Getting ready to jump back in the saddle.  Weaning this month. RE
    appt scheduled 5/8.   Here we go again!

    IFV# 6.  10/27  6 retrieved 4 mature 3 fertilized.  2 made it to 3dt 10/30. 1"very pretty 8 cell" and 1 6 cell.  Beta
    11/13.   Please stick embies!!!!  We love you so much already! 11/12/14  POAS, BFP... beta tomorrow!
    11/13 beta #1  924!!!  2nd bet 11/15 1906, one more on 11/17 3rd & final beta 3430.  First u/s 12/5, 7w4d, 2 heartbeats,
    both measuring right on track....2nd u/s... all is well... both beans measuring right on track... released from RE... first
    appointment with MFM 1/5.  Looks like this is really happening!

    image




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  • vensellvensell member
    I'm so sorry! 
    Age:30 healthy DH: 32 DX Testicular CA '03(banked sperm) Reoccurance of Testicular CA '10 RPLD.TTC: 6/2012. _______________ 6/12 met with RE advised to go to straight IVF due to quality & amount of sperm banked. 6/26/12 day 3 work up & US~ normal. 7/3/2010 Sono~ Polyps. 8/21/12 DH: PEUS~ No retrograde sperm visible; low testosterone. 9/6/12 hysteroscopy/polyectomy~ Removed 2. Now waiting for next steps to start the process of IVF! November IVF Antagonist protocol/risk of OHSS. ER 11/13 17R/15M/12F ET 11/18 transferred 2 beautiful blasts. 5 frozen embies. Beta 11/27 BFN. FET #1 ET 1/24 of 2 blast. HPT+ 2/1. 2/4 beta #1 286. 2/6 beta#2 692 PAIF/SAIF welcome! imageimageLilypie Pregnancy tickers
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  • brooklynesquebrooklynesque member
    I'm sorry.  I totally understand why it would feel like a relief to decide to move on.  I'm sure you'll get the family you want through adoption, which is a truly wonderful thing.
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  • lisagab26lisagab26 member

    I am so sorry.  You have an amazing attitude.  And no, I don't think it is bad that you feel relief - you have been through a lot!

    Best of luck with your next chapter! 

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  • chucktgirlchucktgirl member
    I'm so sorry for your loss. I wish an easier path with adoption ahead for you!

    imageimageimageimageimageimageimageimage
    My BLOG: www.ivfbabyquest.wordpress.com -Update - old blog.

    PAIF/SAIF Welcome!
    Me: 42, Hubby: 35, TTC since Jan 2010. Dx: DOR due to advanced maternal age. Also: Hypothyroidism (100mcg Levothyroxin). Positive for MTHFR (hetero-C677T), Factor V Leiden, and Fragile X (on DH side). Taking pre-natal vitamins    .
    First natural PG 9/27/11; mc: 1/20/12
    First RE visit: 8/8/12, Saline Sonogram: 8/28/12, IVF injection class: 10/11/12, add FaBB Tab for FVL, +Vitamin D.
    IVF #1: 10/17/12 Baseline: FSH- 9.4, E2- 24, LH- 3.7, Prog- 0.3 The u/s showed 6 follicles in my right  & 9 in my left. Rx: 150 Bravelle & 150 Menopur SQ nightly. 10/21/12: Add Ganirelix SQ every morning.
    ER 10/28/12: 13 Retreived. 7 Mature. 6 Fertilized. 5 Made it to PGS. ET 11/2/12: CANCELED. All 5 came back from PGS as having "severe abnormalities."
    IVF #2: 1/7/13 Baseline: FSH- 8.8, 4 follicles in my right & 6 in my left. Rx: 150 Bravelle & 150 Menopur SQ nightly. 1/11/13: Add Ganirelix SQ every morning. hCG Trigger 1/16/13
    ER 1/18/13: 9 Retrieved. 5 Mature. 5 Fertilized. 2 Made it to PGS. ET 1/23/13: CANCELED. All embryos (he even sent the ones not growing) came back from PGS as having "multiple severe abnormalities."
    IVF #3:     NEW RE! 3/1/13 Baseline: FSH- 9.6, E2- 61, Prog- 0.94, 3 follicles in my right & 4 in my left. Rx: 150 Bravelle& 150 Menopur SQ in PM. 3/7/13: Add Ganirelix SQ in AM. hCG Trigger 3/9/13 SQ.
    ER 3/11/13: 6R, 2M, 2F. Day 3: one 8 cell, grade 0.  Five day ET 3/16/13: one early blast, grade Fair. 3/24/13 AF came a day before beta. BFN
    IVF #4:     (Added acupuncture to this cycle.) 3/25/13 WTF & Baseline: FSH-11.8, E2- 56, Prog- 0.84 3/26/13 Start stims. 3/30/13 u/s: 5 follicles in my right & 4 in my left. Rx: 225 Bravelle& 225 Menopur SQ in PM. 3/31/13 Add Ganirelix SQ in AM.hCG Trigger 4/3/13 SQ.
    ER 4/5/13: 5R, 3M, 3F naturally. Day 3: two 8 cell, grade 0, one 8 cell, grade 2 (Scale 0-best to 3-worst). Five day ET 4/10/13: two blastocysts (the 3rd stopped growing.) Beta 4/18/13: 2.5 BFFN. RE recommends we stop trying and focus on living childless, due to the extremely poor quality of my eggs.
    ***Decided to stop trying and live CFNBC. I couldn't adjust. So, six months later...
    IVF #5: Changed RE. Going to one of the big name clinics now. OWDU: 10/29/13. Update: HORRIBLE experience. Disgusted and distraught at their complete unprofessionalism and how much money and precious time they cost us. Sickening. Have now changed RE again. New Patient appt. 1/30/14.
    BFP! Out of nowhere, I got KU the old fashioned way! POAS 1/26/14 - Positive! FDLM 12/30/13. Beta #1 16dpo= 373. Beta #2 18dpo= 801. EDD 10/6/14
    2/4/14 1st U/S revealed a 5wk2day sac but no fetal pole. Started 200mgs of progesterone suppositories daily
    2/11/14 2nd U/S revealed a perfect 6wk1day "diamond ring" embryo with a beating heart! 138bpm! Add 1mg folic acid and 40mg Lovenox
    2/25/14 3rd U/S: perfect 8w1d embryo, 178bpm. 3/6 start spotting. 3/11 10w1d U/S shows no heartbeat. Scheduling D&C. The Stork has forsaken me again.
    IVF #5.2: New in-state RE. Supplement priming for 1.5 cycles prior to start of cycle, including DHEA 50mg (stopped 5/15), CoQ10 200mg 2x/day, L-Arginine- 1000mg 2x/day (stopped 6/5 due to cold sore!), myo-inositol- 2g 2x/day, melatonin- 3mg, and Neevo (prenatal for MTHFR).
    5/16/14 Day 2 bw cycle prior: FSH- 12.22, E2- 38.37, Prog- 1.35, LH- 9.46. 6/2/14 Day 19 bw: Prog- 23
    6/12/14 Baseline: E2- 122.7, Prog- 0.4. 5 follicles in left, 4 follicles in right. Start stims: 375IU Follistim & 150IU Menopur. 6/19 Increase Follistim to 425IU, Menopur still 150IU. 6/18 add Ganirelix. 6/23 Ovidrel trigger SQ. 6/25 ER: 8R, 8M, 5F naturally. Start Medrol & Doxy. 6/26 Start Endometrin. 7/2 Start Lovenox.
    7/8/14 Beta= 137.4 BFP!!! (My first from IVF!) E2- 1109, Prog- >60. Stop CoQ10, myo-inositol, and melatonin. 7/9 2nd Beta= 281.4. TSH- 2.70. Increasing Synthroid to 100mcg daily. 7/24 6w3d u/s measured 6w3d, hb: 121bmp! 8/5 8w1d u/s measured 8w3d, hb: 164bpm! Graduated from RE to OB. Now I just need to find an OB!
    EDD 3/18/15!

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  • mrscswmrscsw member
    ((HUGS))  I am so sorry!  It is okay to feel relief at this point.  IF is a roller coaster, and sometimes we need to get off and find another ride! You are right, pregnancy is not the only way to build a family!  I wish you lots of luck.

    My TTC Story:

    Me: 40,DH: 48, Married 10/07/2011, TTC since 09/2011, 03/2012 Started Clomid, 04/2012     Clomid, 05/2012 Clomid, 06/2012 Went to RE, he found a plum size fibroid in uterus, husband has low sperm count, 06/06/2012 Removed fibroid, 08/2012 Hysteroscopy
    IVF #1 October 2012 - Retrieved 8 eggs, 5 fertilized, 10/13/2012 Transferred 3 embryos - 8, 5, and 4 cells,     the other 2 eggs did not survive freezing, 10/26/2012 BFP!! Beta: 11, 10/26/12 Beta: 2 = Chemical Pregnancy
    IVF #2 - March 2014 - Mini IVF - Retrieved 5 eggs, 4 fertilized, 4 Frosties - 8, 9, 7, and 7 cells all in good condition. 
    IVF #3 - May 2014 - Mini IVF - Retrieved 2 eggs, 2 fertilized, 2 Frosties - 6 and 8 in good condition. 
    FET #1 - September 2014 - Transferred 2 embryos - both 8 cells - BFN
    FET#2 - November 2014 - Transferred 2 embryos - BFN
    FET#3 - February 2014


    *PAIF/SAIF Welcome*
     

    image image  image image   image image

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  • Km672Km672 member
    I'm so sorry.
    I'm glad you have a bit if relief knowing you're done with treatments, it's so hard. Things become clear to us after we have some time away from appointments, procedures and tests.
    Please focus on you and your husband. Take good care of yourselves.

    Me (32) DOR, elevated NK Cells/ 2 copies of MTHFR mutation/ MH (35) azoo/high DFI   (TTC#1 since 2009)

    IVFs#1-4: (4/10-2/12) all BFN

    Surprise Bfp (9/11) - c/p

    DS IUI#1-2 (9/12, 10/12) - BFN

    DS IVF: (11/12) - BFN

    DE/DS IVF#1: (10/13) - 2 day 3 embies transferred-BFFN

    FET of 2 day 6 blasts: (12/13) - c/p

    DE/DS IVF #2: (4/14) - 1 day 5 blast transferred...BFFN...again.

    FET 5/14: 1 day 5 hatching blast transferred...another BFFN

    Repeat SHG 6/14-normal / Endometrial Receptivity Array biopsy 7/14-Receptive Uterus

    New RE, additional testing reveals elevated NK Cells

    FET of 1 day 5 blast (RE recommends transferring 1 due to elevated NK cells) with lovenox, steroids & intralipids in October

     

     

     

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  • Shea202Shea202 member
    You are amazing!!  You have such a great attitude.  Good luck to you :-)
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