Should I be this frustrated??

polyhymnia23

Hi friends! So as you know, I am new to this board, but you have all given such great advice so I thought I would get some advice on this issue.

 My wife and I haven't started ttc yet because we want to make sure we are ready financially and health-wise. As a lesbian you don't get the option (unless you sleep with a man regularly) to just have an "oops" pregnancy and go with the flow. I wish we could just try, without it being thousands of dollars, but clearly, we can't. 

 Over the last month, there have been three "oops" and "oh crap" we are pregnant announcements in our families. First it was my older brother who was simply having a booty call with a girl, then it was my sister-in-law who already has two kids that she doesn't parent full-time with her ex, and is now pregnant with her new husband just so she can have a baby shower, and third is my other sister-in-law who is pregnant with her 7th kid (second with my wife's brother as her hubby). Now, I'm happy and all that because I love my nieces and nephews, but after three announcements it gets discouraging and frankly, upsetting to me. I am envious and sad at the same time. None of the three people listed above parent full time. None of the people above should financially be having another kid. None of the people above wanted another kid. 

 I guess it just gets overwhelming when you are trying to be happy for them, but deep down inside you just want to start a family, but you can't because you don't have the right parts, or enough cash on hand for sperm. 

That's all. Anyone else ever feel that way?  

Twinkler2011

Your frustration is normal. When we were trying to get pregnant (it took 10 months) it felt like EVERYONE was getting knocked up left and right!

At one point, I was finishing up my degree. About a month before graduation 2 girls in my class got "accidentally" pregnant. One of the girls I was pretty close with came to me crying that she cant have a baby....all the normal boo hoo reasons to young, school debt, blah blah. I completely lost my cool and let her know (not so nicely) how F****** lucky she was to be blessed with such an "accident". I will admit not one of my finest moments.

My point is, you are going to get frustrated and may lose your cool, but it will be worth it when it finally happens.

 

ball.and.chain

I think we have all felt that way.  I will warn you that, in my experience, it gets worse after you're already actively trying, especially if it takes you a while -- because then you're jealous of EVERYONE who gets pregnant, gay and straight, but the "oopsie" ones will be even more frustrating.

Unfortunately, there's not much you can do about it except keep your head and vent to those who understand.  I have found this board helpful for that!

polyhymnia23

Glad I'm normal! Thank you, ladies! 

TaylorandMel

ball.and.chain:

I think we have all felt that way.  I will warn you that, in my experience, it gets worse after you're already actively trying, especially if it takes you a while -- because then you're jealous of EVERYONE who gets pregnant, gay and straight, but the "oopsie" ones will be even more frustrating.

Unfortunately, there's not much you can do about it except keep your head and vent to those who understand.  I have found this board helpful for that!

This! 

Our story is similar to as you described.  When we were ttc, all three of Mel's siblings had another child.  For her one sister it was the 3rd kid, with a different guy.  She can't even come close to affording the kids, and is on multiple types of assistance.  For her brother, it was his first, but he was remarried and his new wife has other kids.  For her other sister, this was her 3rd, with her new husband (the past two were her last husband). She also can't afford her children.

Like ball.and.chain said, sorry to say this, but it will only get worse when you're actually ttc.  We didn't feel jealous, but all of these "random" pregnancies were irritating.  Our only hope of sanity was that we believed God had a plan for us, even though it took 9 (BFN) IUI's and finally IVF to have our twins.  Hind sight is 20/20 and we're glad it happened when it did. 

mollykelley

I often feel frustrated by my impatience and jealousy in this process. Three of my close friends have just in the last two weeks announced they are due in May. Luckily no one called me on the phone and told me, as they would have been subjected to the Clomid monster (uncontrollable crying). I am truly happy for these friends, I just want it so badly for my wife and myself.

Luckily, my wife is amazing and constantly reminding me how lucky we are. We have two wombs! If this try doesn't work with me, we have more options! And our baby will be so wanted and loved. We have support of our loving parents (aka eager first time grandparents) and we are old enough to know that this is what we truly want in life. Today we were at the fertility clinic and we got lots of good lucks and winks from nurses, doctors, and other couples. We are trying to create a new life and it is really, really exciting.

Try to focus on the positive and realize what other people are doing actually has nothing to do with you. The others are right that it will get worse when you are TTC. I had an MC at 8 weeks and was so sad, meanwhile I had seen one of my friends smoke cigarettes through her pregnancy. Why did this happen to me when I was taking such good care of myself? I couldn't torture myself with thoughts of why me or why not me because it was useless. 

I'm trusting what the other ladies say on here that it will all be worth it in the end - the time, the occasional heartbreak, and yes, the money - because someday we are going to have a child. I truly believe in that. I try to imagine my family in the future and then what anyone else is doing no longer matters.

Things like seeing that pic above of the two babies in pumpkins (are you kidding??? that is toooo cute!!!) gives me hope and helps me to imagine what I want for myself and my family.

Best of luck to you!!! And thank you for sharing. You are definitely not alone. 

 

laynesmomma

I never ever thought I would be that person, but when, after 4 attempts and a miscarraige I got the call from my brother that he and his wife were pregnant with twin girls I had a surge of adrenaline go through my body. It was all I could do to tell him how happy I was for him when inside I was crying. My brother and his wife had fertility issues so intellectually I was thrilled for them, but emotionally it was like a kick in the gut. You will feel so many crazy emotions while you are ttc, just give yourself permission to feel them. It's all NORMAL, even when it feel nuts.

2moms2b

Completely normal!  It took us almost 3 years of ttc to get our first BFP. During this time, my best friends, M's best friend and my close coworker all got pregnant and had babies (these are all of our closest friends).  All of their little ones are now a year or older.  What was really hard was these people knew we were trying but we weren't sharing the total story of our IF/my diagnosis or treatment as it was such a personal thing to me.  We did eventually share it once we knew it was getting better and it might not be the end of our ttc. They frequently asked where we were in our attempts as we all talked about having children the same age.  It really hurt and fueled the jealousy. 

While I was majorly excited to be an "aunt" (especially during times I thought it would never happen for us), it still hurt and we at times really felt alone.  We couldn't share our upsets with these friends for fear of making it look like we weren't excited or happy for them.  Not to mention all of these couples are hetero so that was like pouring salt in the wound. 

I will say there were times we took a step back away from them and all of the baby talk etc but we had to take that step and understand that since we weren't sharing the whole story we couldn't expect them to not share things with us. 

Best of luck as we have found it the hardest pill to swallow in ttc.