Help!! My MIL throwing 2nd Shower

natalie5851

So originally my sister was planning on throwing a shower for me. My mother in law is very pushy to say the least so my husband and I asked her in the early planning stages whether she minded my sister throwing the shower or if she wanted to throw her own. My MIL said it was fine that my sister threw it because she doesn't have a lot of extra money to be hosting a shower anyways. So we had the whole guest list planned and my sister already sent out invitations a few weeks ago. Now I was just waiting for my MIL to say something about it, she always does. She called my husband saying how we missed a bunch of people that we needed to invite from our old church (her friends not really mine or my husband's). My husband put his foot down because she had a list of an extra like 25 people. My sister is renting out a community center, renting linens, and making it really nice so I definitely don't want to add more people to the list to add to the expense. Anyways, long story short my MIL now decided she wants to throw her OWN shower for us. I really DO NOT like the idea but I'd rather her do her own shower then keep hassling me and my sister to add more people to the original guest list. I've already fought my MIL on so many things and it does no good, I'd rather her just do her lame shower then argue about it.  

Sorry I know this is long, but basically she's decided to do her own shower but what really frustrates me is that now she wants to do it on Sunday afternoon when my sister's shower is Saturday (the day before)! My sister is kind of upset about the whole thing. She feels like my MIL is going to invite some of the same people and my sister is going to come off looking rude for not inviting EVERYONE. I don't like the idea of doing it the same weekend. It just seems tacky, like we couldn't fit them all at one shower! But my husband doesn't like the idea of having to spend two different weekends at baby showers (btw, both will be out of town) I don't know, any advice or suggestions would be greatly appreciated!! 

persephonerose

Honestly, I would just say no to a second shower.  At this point your MIL can suggest all the extra guest she would like but you can easily say, sorry my sister has already set up the guest list with the maximum number of people allowed for the rental space.  There really is no room for argument.

"Thank you for offering MIL but we are already blessed to have so many people attending the original shower we talked about I would not feel right having a second shower."  

EastCoastBride

Your DH needs to handle his mom. 

"Mom, thanks for the offer, however, we have to say no" - and how you all are busy that Sunday, oh, and the followoing Saturday?  Oh, darnit... busy then too.  "We really could only find time for this one shower and the guest list is already set - we're not adding more". 

And really- he needs to tell her "Mom- these are people who I don't know.  DW and I don't have time to squeeze in a shower for people we don't even know.  Please respect this".

If you all don't start creating boundaries, she'll only keep trying to pull this stuff

jeffsjayme

There might be double invites, but your sis (I don't think) wouldn't look rude for not inviting everyone.  People aren't going to expect you/her to invite people that aren't your friends and that's the people your MIL seems to be inviting.

I'd probably have declined it too, but I'm guessing it's too late for that.  Like you said, just let her do her lame shower. 

ETA: I would make sure to make it clear to MIL to not invite people your sister already has.  Tell her that would look gift grabby to invite aunts (or whomever) to both showers on the same weekend.  Or if you can't stop that train, call them up and tell them that you don't expect them at both, their presence at either one is more than enough.

rpalen29

your DH needs to put his foot down right now and tell her no. I thought she didn't have the money for it? Tell her you can't handle 2 showers for that weekend, and 1 shower for you is enough. I would give an excuse that maybe pregnancy has been difficult, and you feel like crap all the time and you just want to relax and not worry about an extra shower. 

RaeJ004

Tell your MIL to FO and that you won't show up to her shower.  She'll get the hint real quick that you are the mom and not her.  I made the mistake of trying to be too nice while pregnant to my MIL and we have had many blowups since DD was born because I feel I didn't put my foot down enough.

Now I'm know as the blitch daughter in law and nobody bugs me.  It's worked out amazingly

GL!

natalie5851

Thanks! I wish I would have declined. But to be honest, I've just been too exhausted to even deal with it. But I'm just gonna ask my husband to let her know not to invite any of the people already invited to the first. 

dbowitz

Would you be willing to let MIL host a "meet the baby" party after the baby is born? That might be a good solution, give her some time to save money for the party and let her invite whoever she wants, including all 25 of her closest friends...

oliversmom03

EastCoastBride:

Your DH needs to handle his mom. 

"Mom, thanks for the offer, however, we have to say no" - and how you all are busy that Sunday, oh, and the followoing Saturday?  Oh, darnit... busy then too.  "We really could only find time for this one shower and the guest list is already set - we're not adding more". 

And really- he needs to tell her "Mom- these are people who I don't know.  DW and I don't have time to squeeze in a shower for people we don't even know.  Please respect this".

If you all don't start creating boundaries, she'll only keep trying to pull this stuff

This! 

ohlordy

RaeJ004:

Tell your MIL to FO and that you won't show up to her shower.  She'll get the hint real quick that you are the mom and not her.  I made the mistake of trying to be too nice while pregnant to my MIL and we have had many blowups since DD was born because I feel I didn't put my foot down enough.

Now I'm know as the blitch daughter in law and nobody bugs me.  It's worked out amazingly

GL!

All of this rings so true with my own mother .... "but IM excited to be a grandmother!!!" Starting to put my foot down before LO arrives and create some boundaries, but I'm already known as the "daughter who has too many rules" because I dont like people up in my shitt.

Can we be BFFs?? 

1026pumpkin

I would put the ball in DH's court: either tell his mom no to the 2nd shower, or let her have it, but on a different date and he'll have to suck it up and make the trip twice.

You could also let MIL know that sister's shower is the same weekend, and you will not be inviting people to 2 showers.  If she really wants to visit with these people, can't she just see them at your sister's shower?

rhubarb123

I guess I'm a bit confused.  Why is your MIL hosting her shower on Sunday a problem?  It seems like it would work out well - especially for you and your DH not to have to travel a second time (just spend the night).  To be that is a win-win situation.  Why would your sister be upset about it.  I don't see the big deal.

As for her inviting people who were already invited to your sister's shower...make sure you MIL has your sister's guest list and tell her under no circumstances no invites to people who are on that list.  Or have your DH give her the list and tell her.

As for people getting their panties in a wad over not being invited...I doubt that will happen.  If it does...they will get over it and life goes on.

mamainseptember

Why don't you tell MIL that if she wants to pay for the extra people to come to your sister's shower that would work. Your sister doesn't have to put out extra money and your MIL gets her friends to be there. My SIL did this with her wedding, her future FIL wanted 30 more people there that were friends of his and her parents didn't want to pay for them. He offered to pay for them and it worked out great.

sthomas1222

It would be exceptionally rude of your MIL to invite guests that have already been to a shower for you. That's a no-no especially if it's the same damn weekend! I cross-invited between the family and friend showers but specifically told those people they only needed to bring a gift to one if they were bringing one at all. 

But MIL also needs to respect the fact that you're pregnant and probably far enough along at this point and so 2 showers in one weekend will be exhausting.