friend can't conceive, how do i tell her?

oohlalachelsea

how do i tell my friend who i have known my whole life that i'm pregnant ..when she can't conceive? she's going through premenopause in her 30's. i feel bad and awkward about telling her. i need to directly tell her because i don't want her to find out via facebook when i post it in a month or so. i know she'll be happy for me but i also know how much it hurts her that she can't have her own. please help!

missyjg

Just tell her. She's most likely going to be happy for you but try not to take offense if she doesn't show it right away. It's painful to hear of other pregnancies. But when I was going through IF I appreciated A. when a friend/family member told me face to face. B. They didn't tell me in a public place so I could deal with emotions without worrying that I'm in public C. Knowing that this person know's my struggles and that they cared enough to take my feelings into consideration. D. That I didn't find out on facebook or from a shower announcement or something.

It's tough. Big hugs to your friend.

cincybee82

I don't have this exact situation, but I do have quite a few good friends who had a lot of trouble conceiving and some who went through multiple losses. I think the best thing to do is be up front with them...say that you know the difficulties they've had but that they're very special to you and you want them to be in your child's life. Understand if it's hard for them to be around you and don't take it personally. If it's too painful for her, you will have to accept it, but letting her know you value her friendship can go a long way.

bartels8

How close of friends are you? I was wondering if you could "sweeten" the deal for her at all by asking her to be a God Mother or something?

 However, I dont know if this would be more of a "slap in the face" kind of feeling. Could go either way.

Thoughts everyone?

MrsMcC.10409

Talk with her privately. Tell her that out of respect for her and her feelings you want to make sure she knows from you. Tell her ou love her and that you understand if she needs time to process and heal. Don't be offended if she steps back a bit from the friendship. While she will probably be very happy for you, she might need just a little time to lick her wounds. Give her space if she needs it. Also since she's your BFF, ou might consider making a separate fb page for the baby. That way, friends and family can gush and see all your beautiful pics and updates but your friend is able to keep up with your life and not be overwhelmed with baby stuff. From an former infertile, I thank you for you compassion.

LaTi07

MrsErinH:

Take some time to meet with her, like PP said in a private place would be best.  Tell her as gently as possible, and let her know that you wanted to let her know first so that she wouldn't hear it from Facebook or in a general announcement.  Don't be too long winded, just get it out and then wait to see how she reacts.  Afterwards don't be upset if she seems distant and if you guys do talk try to avoid talking about the pregnancy unless she initiates it.  She will be glad that you told her first and privately but don't be upset if she seems sad.  I think it's really nice that you are such a considerate friend.

This. My sister told me about her pg last year with my parents sitting there and I literally could feel their eyes burning into my soul. Like they were waiting for my reaction. Definitely tell her privately and gently. Be sure to let her know that if she needs time or space you completely understand and won't be offended.

pantsarella

Don't tell her in person. If you do that, she can't react honestly because it might hurt your feelings. Give her space, send her a text or an email that says you wanted to share your news, but want to give her time to process it however she needs to. Then take her lead. Tell her you'd like to take her out to lunch so that you two can talk about it when she's ready. And understand that she may just not want to talk about you being pregnant. As someone who dealt with IF for 3 years, trust me, sometimes we just don't want to remember that everyone else can get pregnant and we can't. Do plenty of non-baby related things with her so that she feels like you are still you and not just a baby momma.

ETA: I just wanted to add that I've been in your friend's shoes. I've had people know about my IF, and tell me in person and alone to try to keep from hurting my feelings. And it felt like crap. I smiled and told them I was happy for them (which I was), but it is honestly the worst way to do it. I just ended up crying about it later AND feeling guilty for having to fake a reaction before I was ready.  

weaslewam

Yeah - I would talk to her face to face or at least over the phone. She deserves it.

Here's what I would say:

"Friend, I love you and wanted to share with you this information. I don't want you to feel that I'm rubbing anything in your face and if you want to have some space from me for a little bit - I completely understand..."

MandaS08

pantsarella:

Don't tell her in person. If you do that, she can't react honestly because it might hurt your feelings. Give her space, send her a text or an email that says you wanted to share your news, but want to give her time to process it however she needs to. Then take her lead. Tell her you'd like to take her out to lunch so that you two can talk about it when she's ready. And understand that she may just not want to talk about you being pregnant. As someone who dealt with IF for 3 years, trust me, sometimes we just don't want to remember that everyone else can get pregnant and we can't. Do plenty of non-baby related things with her so that she feels like you are still you and not just a baby momma.

I totally agree. Don't tell her in person or over the phone.  Send her an email so she can process it without having to react on the spot. 

jamiewarr

I would tell her in person and ASAP. I have a coworker whom I'm pretty close with and know that she's struggled with infertility for close to 15 years now. She's admitted to me dozens of times that her heart sinks everytime she finds out someone is pregnant. I'm not telling anyone until I'm through the 1st trimester, but I did go ahead and tell her in private as soon as we found out so that she can deal with it in advance. She was very excited for me and I think that she feels special being in on the secret for a few weeks before its announced to everyone else.

baabyy&moomii

Omg I Have the same problem but is my sister more like my best friend and is killing me the thought of telling her she is been TTC for almost 3 years and excpectin my DD 2 Im only 5 weeks and no one know yet but Im dying to tell her because is like my happiness is incomplete. she know everything about and I eve think she can feel something is wrong with ...