Adoption

Kinship care update

We have had my husband's cousin's daughter (M) for a week so far.  M's grandmother has really surprised me - after we brought up guardianship last week she has been on board to figure out how to get it to happen.  The problem now is money - from what she has been told it will be at a minumum $300-400.  And that is only if both parents willingly sign the documents.  I didn't realize that someone I know from my small town is a probate judge - my mom reminded me this weekend.  Tomorrow I should be out of work early enough to call him and ask him his advice on the situation.

I talked to our social worker, and was pretty much told she had no advice unless we let M be put into the system.  Same with Care 4 Kids (a program that helps to pay for child care).  They told us that unless we are already taking a stipend from the state, they can't help us.  Every time I turn from help it is that answer - "Oh she isn't in the system, you aren't getting a stipend?  Then your income is considered so you don't qualify."  So frustrating!  My husband, M's grandmother, and I are all in agreement - we want to try to keep M out of the system unless it is in her best interest (such as her mom trying to get her back if she isn't completely clean and mentally sound.  In that case it has been agreed we will call DCF to protect her.)

Thankfully Birth to 3 will come out for free and evaluate her speech (and my bio son's speech at the same time - they both seem to have delays).  So at least I can get her into some therapy to help with that while she is with us.

Things have been so hectic - she came with very few clothes, so we are trying to get everything she needs for winter.  Plus we are trying to get everything set legally speaking to take her to Disney, plus her and my son (they are both 2.5 - she is 2 months older than he is) have been hellions together constantly bickering! I was so focused on how kids would adapt to being brought into our family, I didn't really consider that my 2 year old would have a hard time accepting them.  This experience has definitely been an eye opener to what a trying time it will be when we add 2 more!

On the adoption side of things - our social worker has told us adding M will have no bearing on it.  Since we were approved for 2-3 kids, we will still be open for 2.  Although our social worker also said M didn't need to be added to our home study - which seemed odd.  Who knows - I'll bet if we questioned 10 social workers we would get an even split of those who say add her and those who say don't.  There never seems to be a definite answer at DCF!

Sorry so long, there's so much going on now and I just wanted to get it all out!  Hope everyone had a great day!

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5/10 - Gideon 6/12 Warren
4/11 Started adoption process for 2 siblings through DCF. 10/12 Found out we are licensed! 12/14 Brought 3 week old identical twin girls home from the hospital.  Could be at least until Summer 1015 til we know if they are forever ours

Re: Kinship care update

  • Hopefully you can find some services she qualifies.

    Hang in there. Hopefully your LO will adjust to having another family member. It will take time to get in a groove.  :):) 

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  • I'm so glad that M's grandmother is cooperative regarding the guardianship, that is great news.  That must be hard with 2 kids so close in age, especially 2 and a half - that is a tough time but a fun one too. 

    Thoughts and prayers for you guys during this transition, I really hope that the guardianship gets smoothed out and that you can get the services that M needs.


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  • It sounds like things have been quite hectic!  As things calm down (yeah right, at this time of year!), they will also smooth out.

    The best I can recommend is to take the time to assure your son that he is your son forever, and you will always love him, and that love doesn't have to be shared--it grows to fit everyone who enters your home/lives/hearts.  I'm sure his acting out with M is a manifestation of his fears and confusion about who this new person is that is taking up so much of his parent's love, time, and attention.  Hang in there, it does get easier/better!

  • Thank you, everyone! You have no idea how reassuring it is to have people to turn to right now. I contacted a lawyer today. His partner is on vacation til Tuesday - so that afternoon I need to call back and they will give me their opinion on what our next step should be. It may get expensive, but I told the lawyer I want to do what is best for M AND us. We need to make sure our family is protected just as much as M is. On a side note, I have an email out to some of my speech pathology friends. M not only has quite the speech delay, I think it affects her ability to eat. She gags up food, if we can even get her to eat it. I don't know if it is because she hasn't been exposed to much, has been catered to, or if it is related to the speech issue. All I do know is it is driving my batty. We do NOT tolerate the "I don't like it" in this house. At least not if she won't even try it. Same rules apply to our bio son - eat what we serve or go to bed hungry (we even cleared this with DCF - as long as we serve dinner we can send them to bed without eating. Just can't use the, "you aren't behaving so you will go to bed without dinner!" threat.).
    image

    5/10 - Gideon 6/12 Warren
    4/11 Started adoption process for 2 siblings through DCF. 10/12 Found out we are licensed! 12/14 Brought 3 week old identical twin girls home from the hospital.  Could be at least until Summer 1015 til we know if they are forever ours
  • imageSpooko:

    imagemsditz00:
    Thank you, everyone! You have no idea how reassuring it is to have people to turn to right now. I contacted a lawyer today. His partner is on vacation til Tuesday - so that afternoon I need to call back and they will give me their opinion on what our next step should be. It may get expensive, but I told the lawyer I want to do what is best for M AND us. We need to make sure our family is protected just as much as M is. On a side note, I have an email out to some of my speech pathology friends. M not only has quite the speech delay, I think it affects her ability to eat. She gags up food, if we can even get her to eat it. I don't know if it is because she hasn't been exposed to much, has been catered to, or if it is related to the speech issue. All I do know is it is driving my batty. We do NOT tolerate the "I don't like it" in this house. At least not if she won't even try it. Same rules apply to our bio son - eat what we serve or go to bed hungry (we even cleared this with DCF - as long as we serve dinner we can send them to bed without eating. Just can't use the, "you aren't behaving so you will go to bed without dinner!" threat.).

    My only thought is to say keep an open mind to the eating thing. It could very well be more than just picky eating. My DS doesn't have this specific aspect, but he does have SPD and a lot of SPD kids do. They just can't eat a lot of foods because the textures/smells/colors/etc. are processed differently for them. Theya aren't just trying to be difficult and they need full-on OT for it and not just the suck it up attitude. But there are also a lot of times kids just need to deal with what's given, so that's why I just emphasize being open to it being more. I definitely respect the discipline if it's just curbing being spoiled. I'd just hate to see this child have yet another obstacle to overcome if there's more to it than that. 

    I know that post makes me sound horrible.  It is just so frustrating when you can feed her a meal and she eats it, then you give her the same exact thing a week later and suddenly she won't even look at it.  She does it with drinks, too.  I will give her something in a cup she can't see through (which means she doesn't know what it is) and she will just say, "I don't like it!"  She has no idea what is in the cup, but still won't drink it.

    Thanks to your advice and my speech path friend's advice, I am going to call the organization that will be doing her evaulation and talk to them again.  I need to see if the speech path they send out also does a feeding evaluation, or if I need to arrange for an OT to come out, also.

    Thanks for the talking to.  I know I needed it.  And a glass of wine...

    image

    5/10 - Gideon 6/12 Warren
    4/11 Started adoption process for 2 siblings through DCF. 10/12 Found out we are licensed! 12/14 Brought 3 week old identical twin girls home from the hospital.  Could be at least until Summer 1015 til we know if they are forever ours
  • imageSpooko:
    I hope I didn't come off harshly as that was certainly not my intent. I just wanted to give you a heads up in case you didn't have exposure to those sorts of problems. I know I didn't and until DS was diagnosed, I had no idea SPD was a thing. It was from there and talking to other moms with SPD kids that I learned just how intricate and complicated it can be and that's why I wanted to share that with you. So you didn't go about it the hard way. I'm sure you're doing exactly what you know to be best, just like 99% of parents are. I just wanted to offer a different perspective. 

    No worries, I appreciate your posts!

    I talked to Birth to 3 again, and they assured me her eating will be assessed during the visit.  I just need to keep an eye on her weight until they can get out here.

    image

    5/10 - Gideon 6/12 Warren
    4/11 Started adoption process for 2 siblings through DCF. 10/12 Found out we are licensed! 12/14 Brought 3 week old identical twin girls home from the hospital.  Could be at least until Summer 1015 til we know if they are forever ours
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