Who eats dinner alone? And do you care? Dh vent to follow: warning

katea81

My husband has a job in business/marketing that usually doesn't let him get home until 7-7:30 most nights. I don't want this to come off as something I am exaggerating, but it really, really, REALLY bothers me that he gets home so late and that he's never home in time for dinner. I grew up having a family dinner every night with both my parents and my brother and I place a very high importance on that as something I want to continue with Mikey. It kills me that every night Mikey and I eat alone and then I put him to bed without having seen his dad.  I feel like a single mother and it freaking sucks. A lot. 

It really all came to a head last night when I thought he would be home around 6, but things got held up so he got home over an hour later. I realized that as long as he's got a job such as this he's never going to be home for dinner/homework/soccer practices, etc. I know I'm thinking way ahead here, but I just am in a terrible place about it all. This isn't the life that I envisioned when I got married and had my son and it's not the life I want right now. As I write this, Mikey has been put down for the night and husband is still at work. I just don't know what to do because nothing really can be done--- and I just have to alter my expectations. But I don't want to. 

I know he feels guilty and wants to be home...but honestly, that really doesn't married. Bottom line is that he's not here.

 

Sorry for the vent, but it really does make me feel a little better writing it all out.  

MrsLindinger0905

I COMPLETELY understand! DH works 1 til 10 through the week, so we only get to eat dinner on the weekends. He'snext in line for a promotion, so I'm banking on the hope that he will be able to switch hours. That probably won't be for several months though. Since I SAH now at least we all get to eat breakfast together, but its not the same as having a family dinner!!

Lena122

DH and I both work rotating shifts so I can relate to an extent. There are several nights a week that it's just me and baby at home. That is just how our jobs are and have always been so I certainly don't have the expectations you do.

Bottom line is that, unless your husband gets a new job, it's not going to change. You really DO need to lower your expectations and appreciate the time that your husband and baby DO get together. Not having dinner together every night is not the worst thing in the world. If its that big of a deal, adjust your morning routine to include a family breakfast instead.

pinkshades05

Aww, I know how you feel. DH isn't home until past 7pm over here, too. He is an engineer and he's been working major overtime since August. When does your DH go to work? My DH puts off going to work in the morning in order to come home later which annoyed the heck out of me! So I started making him take Nat in the mornings since he was missing time with her in the evenings. Maybe that's something you could try, too? That is, if he doesn't leave before your LO wakes up! I'm only suggesting because it has worked for us and has made DH go to work earlier (and come home earlier) as a result. My point with him was that coming home by 6 is a priority and that if he has to stay late to get work done, he obviously needs to go in early.

aracelyluna

I can relate. DH travels anywhere from 24 nights a week. So more often than not I pretty much do everything on my own. I try not to let it get to me but its hard. It's not just having dinner alone it's getting everything done with out the extra help half the week. DH has been talking about having another and I can't imagine doing two without him here more or us moving back home with some help from our family.

cheese.fiend

My H bills 80 plus hour weeks at a very large law firm and rarely comes home before 8 Monday through Thursday. After hanging out with me until I go to bed around 10 or 11, he continues working, often as late as 3 am. Fridays he is home in time to see L eat, take a bath, and go to bed, and we have the weekends.

Do I wish he was home in time to help with bath and bedtime? Yep. Would eating as a family be ideal? Sure. But that's just not how our cookie is crumbling right now. I've worked those hours at a similar firm right out of law school, and I understand the importance of high billables and facetime. When I get frustrated that he's not home earlier I remember that, while he loves his job, he'd rather be goofing around with us than on another endless conference call. I am also so grateful for his continued success when so many attorneys continue to struggle in an oversaturated job market.

Hopefully when L is older and can stay up later, we will be able to adjust our schedules to include family supper. As it is, we make the most out of our weekends, our morning time together, and a weekly lunch outing.

My best advice is to adjust your expectations and make the very most out of the time y'all have together...this is a Big Girl Panty Moment, I'm afraid.

lancyjo

Could you push baby's bedtime to 8ish, so that you could have dinner together? [8pm is Aria's bedtime]

I have this problem seasonally. Hubs owns a lawn care business, so he's gone until dark 4 nights of the week during season. This year, mowing season started in March and is just now ending. We've had a few breaks, thanks to an unusually dry summer, but for the most part he's been working this entire time. This is on top of his day job.

It's not fun doing dinner/bath/bedtime without him. I miss him like crazy, and Aria fights bedtime more when she hasn't had her "daddy time".

I just look at it like this: that man is busting his back to provide for our family. He hates being gone so much, but that business provides a large chunk of our income. So, I won't complain. I'll suck it up, I'll support my husband while he works to support our family. The last thing he needs is me making him feel bad about his supporting our family.

kristin172429

I honestly can't remember - are you working or do you stay at home?  If you are at home, have you considered slightly altering Mikey's bedtime?  Some families put the kids to bed a little bit later so they can get a little time with the parent who is home later.  We do bedtime around 8:30/9 pm - mostly just followed his natural rhythms.  

It does suck when you feel alone and like a single parent when you have a husband and partner who just isn't home.  Some industries are competitive and have crazy expectations.  It is really up to the individual to set some boundaries for themselves and decide how that would impact their family and career.  I am assuming there isn't anything life/death about his business.  What is really going to happen if he waits until the morning to finish something?  Is it going to cost them a million dollar account or is it just because he wants to finish something because that is the culture?  Life-work balance is important and sometimes employees have to be the ones to demand it.   

jmccall79

It sucks, I know it does, because when SO and I were together he worked by the light of day. So, as long as the sun was up, he was working. In the summer, that means he wouldn't get home til 9ish!

I'm afraid to say that you may need to lower your expectations. If the nature of his job is long hours, you already said that it won't change.

And let me tell ya, I thought doing pretty much all of "it", when exSO and I were together, sucked. However, truly doing it all really sucks!!!! The one thing I did not do was cook. It might've been 10pm before I got to eat din, but I didn't cook. Now it truly is all up to me and I'm EXHAUSTED! I'm where I need to be, I know I am, but it's hard.

I'll get off my soap box. Here's something to ask, is there anyway you can adjust LOs bedtime? Maybe give him just enough time to get home and give LO a bath, and then the 2 of you have din? I get that you want it to be all if you, but maybe a compromise for now could be the 2 of you having din together. Just a thought. I hope you all are able to find some kind of compromise and working something out that will make you feel better about the situation. Hope it gets better for ya.

bikitybinx

Yes, we have the same problem here!  I also grew up in a family where dinner was an important part of the day.  TV was off, we sat at the table, broke bread and shared stories about our day - I always envisioned this is how it would be with N, too.  Unfortunately (or fortunately depending on how you want to look at it), DH's role at work has become very prominent over the past year, and in addition he now has a shadoob boss from hell who gives him hell if he doesn't stay late.

It is now 8:11 as I am typing this and DH is still not home.  N is in bed, dinner is getting cold on the stove as I wait for him to arrive.  At 4:15 he told me out of the blue that he had training from 4:30-6 (he forgot about it) and of course the trains are on an off schedule because of Sandy.  

I hate the situation, but it is what it is right now.  DH's demon boss is driving him to look for work elsewhere - hopefully he will find something here in NJ and not in the city.  I share your concerns - I worry about missed dance recitals, school plays, etc....but, that's years down the road.  With any luck, things will change for the better and by then we will both have jobs close to home.

 

katea81

Thanks ladies for all your suggestions-- I think it's not really about eating dinner alone, as much as it is feeling like I am raising him alone. 

Mikey goes to bed at 6:45-7 on the nose every since he dropped his last nap. I truly can't keep him up any longer...and it wouldn't really matter. Hubs is just on his way home now- at 8. 

I know you are all right- I have to adjust my expectations...it's just incredibly hard at the moment because I feel so alone all the time! I hate this! 

 

jmccall79

And I'll add that I'm sure there's some aspect of this "parenting" thing that we all didn't envision for ourselves! Hang in there Mama. You have a right to be frustrated, but understand that your H is not doing it intentionally.

amber31288

katea81:

Thanks ladies for all your suggestions-- I think it's not really about eating dinner alone, as much as it is feeling like I am raising him alone. 

Mikey goes to bed at 6:45-7 on the nose every since he dropped his last nap. I truly can't keep him up any longer...and it wouldn't really matter. Hubs is just on his way home now- at 8. 

I know you are all right- I have to adjust my expectations...it's just incredibly hard at the moment because I feel so alone all the time! I hate this! 

 

I totally understand how you feel. DH is on a job right now where he doesn't get home til 7:30-8 at night. I am trying to adjust DD's bedtime so that he can at least say goodnight to her. I've started pushing it back about 15 minutes every other night. I've just started, so I can't say much about my success, but maybe you could start slow like this. I felt like A wouldn't stay up any later than her 7:00 bedtime, but 15 minutes really isn't that bad. Then, in 2 days, I will add another 15 minutes and on and on until I get to 8:00 (I don't think she'd make it any later). If I notice it is disrupting her sleep, I am going to give it up. And I know this won't allow us to have dinner as a family or for DH to really play or parent her, but I want her to know he is still there. Even if he puts her PJ's on her, gives her quick snuggle and puts her down to bed. 

It does suck not having family dinner, that is something I enjoy too. When my husband is local, I try to take DD out to see him for lunch occasionally. Is that an option for you?

I know you're probably just feeling bad for yourself right now, and lonely and feeling like it's never going to change. I have definitely been there. Sometimes, I get frustrated and burnt out and still feel that way. But, I am not going to make DH feel guilty for supporting our family. We just try to enjoy our weekends!

HattieLove

When I was a baby, my Dad was a nurse at a hospital, and was rarely home for dinner. He would get called in at random hours all the time and I know (now) that it was really hard on my mom. But I don't remember this at all. He left the hospital when I was three and we had family dinners nearly every night for the next ten years (it deteriorated a bit when my sister and I were teenagers).

I'm sorry you're in this situation, it sucks, but I think it's just something you have to get through. It definitely doesn't mean that you have no chance at family dinners. 

HattieLove

Oh and maybe you could have another meal together. Maybe you could have Sunday brunch together or something?

BrownMa

I literally could have written this. My dh is in business/marketing and he gets home usually around 7:30 also Aidens bedtime. Lately he's been getting home even later because work is super buys. It sucks, we eat dinner alone too. And after a long day of work myself I'd loved to hand out wi aiden together and enjoy him as a couple. I do the whole nig routine alone and basically feel like a single mom Mon-Fri. I feel ya! Dh does get up with LO at 6 though because heroes go to work at 9 and I leave at 7. He's a wonderful dad when he can be I'm just so jealous of all my friends husbands. That are home at a decent time.

MeganSony

My situation is also similar with H not getting home till late. After a few weeks I realized that my issue was more that I was lonely. I spend all day at home alone with gabriel. H leaves at 5am for work and doesn't get in until at least 7. So I started have supper with my parents one night a week. I also invite my sister over for supper on a weekly basis. It really helps me to not be alone. It also helps because although I still take care of him by myself someone else is there. My dad will play with Gabe while I do dishes or if I need to pee. My sister and I often do bedtime bath with Gabe and my niece together. They get in their jammies and play and then all I ace to do alone is bottle and bed. Maybe a friend or family member supper time would help. I find very few people turn down a dinner invite. I do hope you start to feel better about it. Work sucks!

Sorry this got really long.

sparks2987

I dont get off work until 6ish and DH gets home about 730, so we have a late dinner every night. But it is exhausting rushing to get everything done before Emilys 830 bedtime.

I am sure your DH misses your baby just as much as you miss him, I couldnt stand only seeing baby for an hour or less a day. I am sure your DH feels the same way. I wouldnt blame him I am sure it is hard on him. Maybe find ways to make it easier on him, push dinner back later, push baby bedtime back ect.

 

runrinserepeat

This is how a lot of my nights this fall were. Get home early so DH could go to work (either at the store or reffing), and feed, bathe and put Laura to sleep by myself. It certainly wasn't fun. I get that.

Here's the thing. We BOTH knew that it wasn't ideal, that we'd like him to be home more at night. Seasonally, it won't always be possible because he likes reffing so much, but we made the decision together that he would quit his other job so that he wasn't working close shifts 2x/week. It's so nice to come home and have dinner as a family, play as a family, give her a bath with some help, and then put her to sleep as a team.

If this is something that's really bothering you, I think you need to bring it up with your DH and explore some possible alternatives to the current situation. I realize that it's not always possible for someone to just quit a job to spend more time with family, but if he could go in earlier to come home earlier, or start looking at other positions, maybe you could find a better fit for your family.