Adoption

Dealing with anti-adoption people *vent/advice (long)

How do you deal with negative perceptions of birthparents/adoption from acquaintances? I visited a close friend's family over the weekend. I would describe this family as "not really pro-adoption," but they have never been overtly rude about it. They always ask how the process is going, but seem pretty skeptical overall. I try to educate wherever I can, especially with my own family, because they are invested in our situation, and of course our children. With acquaintances/strangers, I usually just politely answer questions and give brief explanations, but this woman completely caught me off guard. She asked how the adoption process was going, as usual, so I excitedly told her that we were now "waiting."  She asked what specifically we were waiting for, so I explained that we were waiting for a birthmother to choose us. Most people say "How exciting!" or "Oh, I didn't know that's how it worked," giving me a great segway into describing modern adoption practices.However...this woman's comment was completely unexpected and kind of blew me away. She did not even try to hide the disgust in her voice, or on her face, as she said "They actually let women who are giving their children away choose the family that they go to? That's ridiculous. Those...." and she would have gone on to who knows what, if I hadn't stopped her. I don't know if it was just the way she practically spit when she said it, or if it's that she said it in a room full of people, but I felt like she had just slapped me in the face. I breaks my heart to think that someone would think that way about our birthmother (we don't have one yet, but I know she's out there and I pray for her all the time). I was so offended. As if what birthparents do isn't completely amazing and selfless, not to mention everything they go through on their side of the process. I have certainly had people ask crazy TMI questions about our preferences, or make offhanded comments that they could never make an adoption plan, or about our "real" children, but no one had ever said anything that ignorant and rude, with so much hatred in their tone before. I didn't even know what to say, so I kind of did my best to piece together whatever case for birthmother rights and loving choices that my brain was capable of at the time, but I was just so shocked. My face must have been beet red, because it was burning. I know that my little explanation didn't do any good, so I don't know why I even bothered going into it, but I felt so badly for birth parents everywhere, and our own future birth parents, if they ever have to deal with people like this. By the time I got into my car to leave, I was so mad at myself for not being articulate enough to make a difference. I really wanted to say something to make her ashamed of herself, in front of all of those people, but that's probably not right either.Maybe I am just naive to not have expected that from these people. I definitely realized that skepticism toward birth parents is prevalent in our culture, but what I encountered there was something almost akin to bigotry. Like, she perceives people who make adoption plans as being inherently evil, or something! Has anyone else encountered something like this, and if so, how do you handle that? I kind of don't ever want to see that woman again, but she is my good friend's mom, so I'm sure I will run into her eventually. Sorry this was so long. It happened Saturday and I am still so upset about it.
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Re: Dealing with anti-adoption people *vent/advice (long)

  • If you find a way to deal with it let me know.  I haven't gotten any "anti-adoption" comments yet, but more then enough "anti-open-adoption" to make me gag.  I don't know if its because I'm so young, but I wouldn't have asked for anything other than an open adoption, depending on the BM wishes and circumstances of course. 

    One of the women I talked with even, a friend of my mother's, brought up my sister, who I have a strong dislike for.  A little back story, she has always been a horribly rebelous person, and was constantly in trouble at school and with the police, and at 18 gave birth to my nephew.  She left him in the custody of my parents, and has been toying with my parents since.  My mother's friend assumed that because of this I would be even more against OA.  I tried explaining to her that not every woman who winds up pregnant and can't take care of their child is a bad person who will toy with us, but she thinks I will only get hurt by this whole situation.  I'm still trying to figure my words out when someone brings this up.

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  • Don't beat yourself up over it. There will always be ignorant people who will disagree with you about something, and you'll feel like you didn't say what you wanted to. I have a family member with a strong bias against Hispanics, and I didn't feel like I stated my case with her the one time I confronted her about it. But in the end I know I can only educate so much, and I likely won't change her mind anyway. Then again, maybe that little something we say can help them think about things from a different perspective.

    We haven't gotten outright anti-adoption comments, but we've gotten a couple doozies. A woman at the health food store who made a comment that DD was "almost" mine because we took her home at 2 days old. Um, no, she's all mine, and I have the paperwork to prove it! The friend who said he could hook me up with an adoption lawyer, but it would be a closed adoption "so you don't have to deal with the birthmother." Um, we actually like DD's BM, and look forward to seeing her. The semi-joking comments about how DD's BM is going to run off with DD because she's so cute. Um, no, the relationships in our triad are sorted out, TYVM. And I'm sure I'll get comments from DH's family over Thanksgiving, as we prepare to see DD's BM again.

    I also try and reflect on the interactions and think about where the statements may be coming from. Your friend's mom may have had direct negative experiences with adoption, or she may have seen/heard anti-adoption discussions, or she may have fallen into the common trap of thinking all birthmoms are young druggies who are giving up their babies to party. The best we can do is be positive role models to show that there are plenty of adopted children who are happy and well-adjusted, and plenty of birthfamilies who interact with their kids and their adoptive parents in a healthy relationship.

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  • Thank you for speaking up for birth parents!

    I have heard negative comments before from people that had no clue I'm a birth mother. It stings but thankfully everyone I have told in these situations have immediately apologized. They just don't know but thankfully there are people like you who make the effort to inform them. Thank you.

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  • That woman seems rude. I have gotten a lot of negative comments based on old stereotypes.  Everything from talking about "those people", how can you adopt a "crack baby", and even having race be the 1st thing they ask about. I would say though for every negative comment, I prob have 5 positive ones. Maybe more.

    It used to bother me more than it does.  I will admit there were a few people I was rude back to.  I now try to to use the "kill em with kindness" approach.  I see it as a learning opportunity for them.  For example, saying the positives of open adoption.

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  • I find that older people are the rudest. I think they come from a different era, where things like this weren't discusses you know?

    When dd was like a week old I went to a birthday party and while sitting down eating a nice meal her grandma started asking about her Bm. I answered freely and proudly bc I love her. Her questions became very accusatory, "you mean she has other children?!" and I soon realized not everyone was as open and understanding as I, and it was now my job to protect her and her story. I am now more carefully how I word things and what I am willing to share.

    Hugs. It's hard!
    Married on 3.20.2004. It took 30 month, 2 failed adoptions and IVF for our first miracle. We have had 9 foster kids since he was born and started the domestic adoption process when he was 10 month old, we had 4 failed matches in that time. After our daughter was born we brought her home and spent 2 weeks fearing we might lose her because of complications that came up. But Praise God all went through and she is ours forever! Expecting again after IVF Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
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  • That's horrible, I think you handled that very well, I probably would have been so flustered or upset and not been able to say anything.  I do agree with a PP that it seems like older people have the most problem with adoption.  Adoption, race, sexuality, special needs, etc. - it's hard to change people's minds when they've been thinking a certain way for so many years.   

    All you can do is your best, you want to educate people but at the same time some people will never "get it". 


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  • How awful!!! OMG what is wrong with people?! I am very much a "slow processor" so when people say things like that to me, it usually takes me so long to trylu hear what they said that it's too late to say anything in the moment. I hope to get better with it, so much, but it's a struggle, because I have definitely heard plenty of stupid, ignorant, hateful, scared comments.

    We tried to ward off as much of this as we could by starting a blog about our adoption process that talked all about it, including openness and stereotypes about expectant/birth parents. I will never know if it truly helped change peoples' minds or educate them, but it did us the small favor of making it known that it's not OK to make negative comments, which I hope has had an effect (ie, at least if they think something stupid and ignorant they know better than to say it outloud to us).

    One thing that I have tried to stress is how much like his birth parents our son is, in really positive ways, to try and get across that if you love my son, you have to find a way to love these amazing people who made him. I freaking LOVE his birth parents so it's easy to do :) People always commnet on my son's ears and hair, and I usually say, "Oh I know, in so many ways, he's the spitting image of his super gorgeous birth-dad!" Or they comment on his eating and I say, "Oh yeah, he loves oranges and I just found out that his birth mom ate like 20 a day when she was pregnant, isn't that sweet?"

    The other thing I do is try and remember that most of these comments come from fear or ignorance, and I pick my battles. I let a lot of dumb comments from family pass, because I call them out on enough that I hope to slowly weed out the stupid by the time my kid is a few years old, and if not I will know by then that they don't ever get to be alone with him and I will have my defenses up whenever they are around. In my experience, when it because a real person (my kid) and his real first parents, people can make it work in their brains better, somehow, because they can relate more easily. Your "friend" was ignorant and rude, and if you want to continue being friends with her I would highly suggest telling her how those comments made you feel and helping to educate her on the reality of expectant/birth parents.

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  • How hurtful....

    You've received great perspective already so I'll offer a different one.
    Unless you know this woman to be mean and full of hatred, consider her perception of adoption.  She's probably conjuring up an image of a birth mom that is an awful, drug addicted person that can't stand the child she is carrying... someone who hates her baby... so why should she have a say.  She's probably thinking of every bad news story of child abuse, etc. 

    My point, people often don't have a clue about what a birth mom actually looks like today--- there are so many different types of women that choose adoption.  We know that but she doesn't. 

    As an adoptive mom, you'll come to find a few truths-- People who didn't "get it" before will now embrace you and your child... it's lovel.  People will continue to stay stupid things.  And most important--- no one, not even your husband, will understand your love for birth moms the way another adoptive mom will undertand.  A-moms and BMs have an odd and special relationship... I don't talk to either of my BMs.  Circumstances keep us apart... but I can cry at the thought of them as human beings who first loved my babies.  My BFF still doesnt' fully understand how I have no ill feeling for the poor choices one of our birth moms made post-delivery... but for me I see a woman who needs help and a woman who gave me the most incredible gift in the world.  My love for her is one I can't describe. 

    image Best friends and sisters... 24 months and 16 months
  • I have a closed foster adoption and I get the whole "oooh you adopted from foster care, what's wrong with your child" attitude alot.  When ever I encounter something like that I look them right in the eye and say I didn't ask for your opinion , nor do I care to hear your remarks on the subject, it's my life, not yours, and adoption, whatever type it is is a wonderful thing, so shut it.  That usually shuts em up pretty quick and makes em feel foolish.
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