Feeling Down - Blue day:-(

BellaLux

Feeling pretty down today. Still dealing with our failed IVF and not having any answers yet about why it failed and what next:-(. Two close friends have been texting me daily for the past 3 days---one shared she's 8w pregnant and shares updates on how she's feeling. The other just delivered last Friday and sends updates on the baby. Neither one is aware of the extent of our IF struggles or our recent failed cycle, so I'm not upset with or blaming them. Whereas I'm happy for them both and enjoy the updated baby pics...well, I feel exhausted now. It's a constant reminder that I'm infertile and it's just so painful.

Some days, it's just so darn exhausting trying to be positive all the time and support everyone else in their "happy" place...when you are so far from that place.

ETA - Oh and my steps to seek professional help to heal was an epic fail! I didn't expect to feel miracously better about the situation, but I certainly didn't expect to feel worse after seeing a therapist. She gave her unsolicited opinions/advice more than she listened. I know it can be hit or miss....guess that was a huge miss! But now I'm ever more hesitate to find another therapist...don't want a repeated disaster!

MJ14323

So sorry you are having a bad day. They suck. A lot.  {{HUGS}}

Have you thought about being open with your friends about your struggles?  And that while you are happy for them, you are just going through a lot right now. 

I'm also sorry that seeking professional help didn't work out the way you had hoped.  DH and I just went to our first infertility counseling session last week.  If you don't mind me asking, what did the therapist say or do that turned you off? It's suprising to me that anyone would give their opinions in the first session without even being asked.  Again, so sorry. 

ETA - Just wanted also let you know that you aren't alone in the way you are feeling.  I had my worse IF day EVER last week.

rrdiva1

I just wanted to love on you hard today.

Today is a really bad IF day for me also. I understand.

Sometimes it takes a minute to find the right therapist, at least now you know what you don't want ya know. Stay encouraged, and pm anytime!!!!!! ((((hugs)))))

BellaLux

MJ14323:

So sorry you are having a bad day. They suck. A lot.  {{HUGS}}

Have you thought about being open with your friends about your struggles?  And that while you are happy for them, you are just going through a lot right now. 

I'm also sorry that seeking professional help didn't work out the way you had hoped.  DH and I just went to our first infertility counseling session last week.  If you don't mind me asking, what did the therapist say or do that turned you off? It's suprising to me that anyone would give their opinions in the first session without even being asked.  Again, so sorry. 

ETA - Just wanted also let you know that you aren't alone in the way you are feeling.  I had my worse IF day EVER last week.

Thanks! You know, I've thought about sharing it with these friends in particular (I have shared it with 3 others) and it's complicated. For the one that just had the baby, Dh and I actually started trying to conceive 6 months before them--so we chatted all the time about getting pregnant, being pregnant together and our kids being around the same age. So, they obviously know to some extent we've had issues - but we've kept it general (i.e. "oh, I have to deal with my fibroids so we are putting it on hold). They conceived on the 1st month off bcp. So, I didn't say anything because I didn't want it to be awkward....I didn't want to rain on their parade/joy.

The other friend, well just hadn't gotten around to it. She just got married 6 months ago, so most of our conversations have centered on marriage. They had initially planned to wait a year, so I was actually surprised by the announcement. In general, it's been difficult to talk about IF, so I'm very selective in who I've shared it with.

So the therapist - I specially chose her because she has personal experience in IF, IVF and adoption--so I thought GREAT, she'll understand exactly how I feel! Well, I'm sure she did---but she gave advice on what I should do next based on her experience, she's not a RE. Furthermore, I told her I was there to get help coping with my mixed emotions---not for someone to tell me which doctors to see next...remind me that I'm nearing 35 AND (this was the worst) talk about how horrible my cycle went and the fact that my 1 mature egg after 12 days of stimming may be an indication of DOR!!!! Oh great, yet another problem I need to worry about...like that didn't cross my mind already...sigh....that was just a bad bad day. Oh, and she's cycled with the RE/clinic that I had a really poor experience with and I felt she kept making excuses for him. Everytime I said I felt RE was "aloof", "disconnected"...she went on and on about how personable he is and such a great guy! He's shouted as one of the best if the country (He was Guilliana Ran.cic's RE in Chicago....guess I didn't come with enough celebrity power because I felt he didn't care about me at all)

rox825

I'm really sorry that you're having such a difficult day. I hope that tomorrow is a bit better. Sending hugs!

mkwgymnast

I'm really sorry! Don't give up hope on a therapist; my first one didn't work out but I'm happy now.

asilwhite

I'm so sorry you're having such a bad day (((Hugs))) IF totally sucks and is not fair at all. 

MJ14323

BellaLux:

MJ14323:

Thanks! You know, I've thought about sharing it with these friends in particular (I have shared it with 3 others) and it's complicated. For the one that just had the baby, Dh and I actually started trying to conceive 6 months before them--so we chatted all the time about getting pregnant, being pregnant together and our kids being around the same age. So, they obviously know to some extent we've had issues - but we've kept it general (i.e. "oh, I have to deal with my fibroids so we are putting it on hold). They conceived on the 1st month off bcp. So, I didn't say anything because I didn't want it to be awkward....I didn't want to rain on their parade/joy.

The other friend, well just hadn't gotten around to it. She just got married 6 months ago, so most of our conversations have centered on marriage. They had initially planned to wait a year, so I was actually surprised by the announcement. In general, it's been difficult to talk about IF, so I'm very selective in who I've shared it with.

So the therapist - I specially chose her because she has personal experience in IF, IVF and adoption--so I thought GREAT, she'll understand exactly how I feel! Well, I'm sure she did---but she gave advice on what I should do next based on her experience, she's not a RE. Furthermore, I told her I was there to get help coping with my mixed emotions---not for someone to tell me which doctors to see next...remind me that I'm nearing 35 AND (this was the worst) talk about how horrible my cycle went and the fact that my 1 mature egg after 12 days of stimming may be an indication of DOR!!!! Oh great, yet another problem I need to worry about...like that didn't cross my mind already...sigh....that was just a bad bad day. Oh, and she's cycled with the RE/clinic that I had a really poor experience with and I felt she kept making excuses for him. Everytime I said I felt RE was "aloof", "disconnected"...she went on and on about how personable he is and such a great guy! He's shouted as one of the best if the country (He was Guilliana Ran.cic's RE in Chicago....guess I didn't come with enough celebrity power because I felt he didn't care about me at all)

Wow - I'm really sorry! I can't believe she would do/say that. I really don't get people sometimes, especially if you are a therapist. Above everyone else, you should be sensitive to people. I hope that you try to find another one that best fits your needs...just like you found another RE.

As for the friends, it really is hard. You want to be happy but you don't want to be awkward either. I completly understand and hope you are able to find something that helps with it.

During my first session my therapist recommended the book "Conquering Infertility" which deals with a lot of mind/body techniques to overcome the emotional side of IF. That's the main reason we went to her is because I would just break down crying all of the time. I was/am so emotional about IF and pregancies of family and friends. I'm only about 1/4 of the way through the book and I think its helping. Just simple things like deep breathing when you feel a bad emotion coming on. I know you didn't ask for my advice, but I thought I would share. {{HUGS}} for a better rest of the week!

Neesey

I'm so sorry you had a bad experience with the therapist.  Please don't give up on finding one that you'll click with.  Even if it isn't someone who specializes in IF, having a sounding board can be so helpful.  Do you have any friends who have seen a therapist that they love?  I'll keep my fingers crossed that your days get better and you find a great supportive therapist.

BellaLux

MJ14323:

BellaLux:

MJ14323:

Thanks! You know, I've thought about sharing it with these friends in particular (I have shared it with 3 others) and it's complicated. For the one that just had the baby, Dh and I actually started trying to conceive 6 months before them--so we chatted all the time about getting pregnant, being pregnant together and our kids being around the same age. So, they obviously know to some extent we've had issues - but we've kept it general (i.e. "oh, I have to deal with my fibroids so we are putting it on hold). They conceived on the 1st month off bcp. So, I didn't say anything because I didn't want it to be awkward....I didn't want to rain on their parade/joy.

The other friend, well just hadn't gotten around to it. She just got married 6 months ago, so most of our conversations have centered on marriage. They had initially planned to wait a year, so I was actually surprised by the announcement. In general, it's been difficult to talk about IF, so I'm very selective in who I've shared it with.

So the therapist - I specially chose her because she has personal experience in IF, IVF and adoption--so I thought GREAT, she'll understand exactly how I feel! Well, I'm sure she did---but she gave advice on what I should do next based on her experience, she's not a RE. Furthermore, I told her I was there to get help coping with my mixed emotions---not for someone to tell me which doctors to see next...remind me that I'm nearing 35 AND (this was the worst) talk about how horrible my cycle went and the fact that my 1 mature egg after 12 days of stimming may be an indication of DOR!!!! Oh great, yet another problem I need to worry about...like that didn't cross my mind already...sigh....that was just a bad bad day. Oh, and she's cycled with the RE/clinic that I had a really poor experience with and I felt she kept making excuses for him. Everytime I said I felt RE was "aloof", "disconnected"...she went on and on about how personable he is and such a great guy! He's shouted as one of the best if the country (He was Guilliana Ran.cic's RE in Chicago....guess I didn't come with enough celebrity power because I felt he didn't care about me at all)

Wow - I'm really sorry! I can't believe she would do/say that. I really don't get people sometimes, especially if you are a therapist. Above everyone else, you should be sensitive to people. I hope that you try to find another one that best fits your needs...just like you found another RE.

As for the friends, it really is hard. You want to be happy but you don't want to be awkward either. I completly understand and hope you are able to find something that helps with it.

During my first session my therapist recommended the book "Conquering Infertility" which deals with a lot of mind/body techniques to overcome the emotional side of IF. That's the main reason we went to her is because I would just break down crying all of the time. I was/am so emotional about IF and pregancies of family and friends. I'm only about 1/4 of the way through the book and I think its helping. Just simple things like deep breathing when you feel a bad emotion coming on. I know you didn't ask for my advice, but I thought I would share. {{HUGS}} for a better rest of the week!

Thanks, I welcome the book suggestions:-). That's actually brought me peace during some of my most difficult days. I've found a lot of comfort from "Hannah's Hope", "Silent Sorority" and "Empty Womb, Aching Heart"

BellaLux

Neesey:

I'm so sorry you had a bad experience with the therapist.  Please don't give up on finding one that you'll click with.  Even if it isn't someone who specializes in IF, having a sounding board can be so helpful.  Do you have any friends who have seen a therapist that they love?  I'll keep my fingers crossed that your days get better and you find a great supportive therapist.

Thanks Neesy. Unfortunately, no local friends with great therapist recommendations. But I'll keep looking.

twistsandturnsto2

(((Hugs))) sweetie. 

Ruger04

Wow did that therapist over step her bounds! Don't give up there are a lot of good ones out there I promise. So sorry your having such a bad day/week. Give yourself sometime to heal and keep looking of the right therapist. Once you find one it will make a huge difference! I don't know if your religious and not that it matters but my church had a list of people they recommend it made finding one easier just a suggestion. 

BellaLux

SweetC80:

I'm so sorry you are feeling so down.

Aww, thanks sweetie! Made me smile:-)

BellaLux

bbg676:

I am so very sorry, Bella, that you're having a bad day (week/month).  I am also very sorry your IVF didn't work.  ::bigs hugs::

I don't have much to add that others haven't said, but I will second the 'don't give up on therapy yet'.  I've been to numerous therapists throughout the years and it is true that it is very hit and miss.  FWIW - One therapist I went to "specialized" in the reason I was seeing her.  She had personally gone through it herself, so I thought she'd be able to understand.  She was the WORST therapist I ever saw.  She was so busy talking about her experiences that I rarely worked through my feelings and actions.

Just throwing it out there, but I agree with Durham, that they don't necessarily need to specialize to be helpful.  The best therapy I ever received was actually from a LSW with a Master's in SW (not sure how to abbreviate all of that).  He had no real-life experience with what I was dealing with, but I felt the most connection and compassion from him.  He didn't use a lot of the technical 'therapy terms' psychologists use (even though it would have been okay because I was a Psych major).  He just talked to me like another person and never gave unsolicited advice or recommendations.  I 'grew' the most in the two months with him (he was only in the hospital) than I did with anyone else, ever.

Finally - I'm sure you've probably looked into it, but do you have a RESOLVE group nearby?  It's a peer-led IF support group.  I went on their website and it appeared there were none in my state, but I just found out today that there IS one less than 20 miles from my house.  If this cycle is a bust, I think I will check it out, for sure.

::hugs:: You've been such a great help and support for me in my struggles through IF.  Please feel free to message me any time.  I'm always here to listen.

Thanks hun, I appreciate the support and advice! Yes, I was just thinking about looking up a RESOL.VE support group, I think it would be very beneficial. Hope you are having a great week!

pgermain11

Sorry you're having a crap day, Bella. It's so difficult to stay positive sometimes and I know what it feels like to have the friends with the kids. However, I've found that speaking to one of my friends who had a baby recently has really helped me. She's been so supportive and it's somewhat a relief to be able to speak to another woman face to face about things like IF. She was one of the ones that got knocked up on her first month off bcp! 

I also second not giving up on a good therapist. There are good ones out there. There's nothing wrong with finding out what kind of practice the therapist is into - behavioral, cognitive, adlerian. 

Sending you hugs!  

katekat8721

I am so sorry Bella. You are not alone. I've been feeling really down too and its hard to come back up from it sometimes. I am sorry that the therapist did more harm than good. Maybe just take a little break and some time to heal emotionally and not focus on anything TTC related?

It is so hard when people dont know whats going on and they unknowingly say hurtful things. We're in the same boat. I had a cousin text me multiple pictures of her newborn every day. I just had to block her because it got to be too much. If you tell them you are risking them not understanding and then going through all that fun stuff. I would just try to get a little space from everyone and focus on you and your husband and your happiness and wellbeing. I am so sorry you're feeling bad... you are always so nice and encouraging. Always rooting for you girl 

sundowner85

I am sorry the therapist wasn't a good fit. When I was in high school I "fired" my therapist because she was NOT helping at all, and like you said, making me feel worse at the end. I found a new one and was so much better off and they helped me through part of college, too. If you really want to talk to someone I encourage you to try and find a new one until you find the right fit for you. Hang in there.

I'm sorry about having to deal with your friends, too. I hope you can find a way to talk to them and maybe get them to back off a little on the constant updates. We live in a world where some people feel like they have to report every detail of their lives via text or whatever and it can be so frustrating.

BellaLux

Thanks so much bbg, sundowner, juleskeim, pgermain11, and katekat! I really appreciate the encouraging words!

NBA0703

I am soo sorry you are feeling down : (.  IF is soo incredibly hard. 

Laylarue

Sorry I'm a day late on this, but I hate that therapist for what she said to you!  That is so unprofessional.  You are right that she is not an RE and therefore can not make diagnosis.  I'm so sorry you are having a rough day Bella!  (((HUGS)))  If you need to vent/talk I'm always here for you!

BellaLux

Thanks so much NBA and Laylarue!

I was really numb after that therapy session...just couldn't believe it was that terrible! DH (who is a medical doctor) was really upset about the medical statements she made:-(

weansworld09

I'm so sorry you're having a bad IF day Bella  

((((((hugs))))))