Stay at Home Moms

If your MIL lives with u

How long and how is it going? We endes up moving in with my MIL when my first son was 6 months bc we moved in from another state, while DH found a job. Her apt complex began to fill up with really scary looking people so we decided to have her move with us into a rental house. We have moved an additional time and we now have 3 kids.

She is a nurse so its been great having her around to check my bp during pregnancy and helping with kids. Also she watch one or two of kids so i can take the other for doc appointments. She keeps in her room majority of time and follows our wishes into how we want our kids raised.

My Big problem is she and my husband get home about same time from work and she is a chatter box. When the day is done, boys in bed, just dh and I in living room he is so exhausted from all her qs regarding car issues computer issues work issues...that if i had any plans i wanted to go over with him or talk about really anything he is very short with me. And i get he just wants to veg and watch tv...

She is very nice but there are so many things i would do or say to dh if she didnt live with us. I guess its like having a room mate. Just sucks sometimes.

Our 5 year plan is to buy or build a house and put a manufactured home on property for her.

Anybody else out there in same situation??

Re: If your MIL lives with u

  • Honestly, I don't know how you do it. That would drive me nuts! My FIL lived with us for about a month and a half when he lost his job and had nowhere to go and as kind/helpful as he was around the house it drove me batty to have someone else there.

    Are you forced into this situation because you can't afford to live anywhere else? If not, why not help her find an apartment close by so she's close enough to be able to see the kids frequently but not living with you? Honestly, I can't see this situation working out long term and it's not healthy for your marriage at all.

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • I grew up in an traditional Italian family.  We take in our family to help them along the way. 

    HOWEVER, we do not let that become enabling (at this point, especially if she is a working nurse, she should be in her own apartment or at the least paying 1/3 of all of the expenses), nor do we do it without clear boundaries.

    Of course we also ensure that if someone is offering up a place to stay, that that place has a very clearly defined seperate living space for the extended family member: A full, finished basement or inlaw suite.  NEVER EVER just a room.

    file:///Users/Ilumine/Desktop/Family%20Portrait%20for%20gift.jpg
  • Loading the player...
  • My mom lived with us for a little more than five years. I know that's not quite the same situation as yours but close. My mom and I have never had a super close relationship so having her move in was a bit of an adjustment. She did for similar reasons as your MIL. She rented a small home for a long time. My brother and I lived there with her as kids, I moved out when I was 20. My brother stayed a bit longer, I think he was 22 when he moved out. When he said he was ready to move out, DH and I were really uncomfortable with her living alone. So she moved in with us. The only reason she moved out is because we had the babies and needed her room. We didn't ask her to leave. We asked her to move to a smaller bedroom, the one that we were going to move our oldest DD into. My mom wasn't offended but that room is very small and she didn't want it. So she said she'd move out. We found her a very nice retirement community. Not assisted living, just an apartment for people over 62. They do all sorts of activities with the residents and my mom loves it. She's been there for a little over a year now. Having her live with us was not the ideal situation. But we respected each other and she respected our wishes when it came to helping raise our oldest DD. I worked full time until about a month ago. My mom quit her job to watch my DD when I returned to work after she was born. My mom was less than a year from retirement. She never paid us rent. She didn't make a lot of money and she told us when she moved in that she would baby sit for us when the time came. And she did and we didn't pay her. She watched DD1 full time until she was 18 months old. DD started going to daycare part time then. Our living arrangement worked for us at the time. My mom and DD have a very close bond. DD asks about her constantly. I wish she lived closer to us so they could see each other more. My mom comes over about once a week now. She doesn't drive so I have to go and pick her up or sometimes DH will pick her up after work and bring her home with him. My mom is Korean and it is part of our culture to care for our elders and raising a child is a family affair where grandparents play a huge role. When DH met me, he knew this and had no problem with it. Is that the situation at your house? Is it a cultural thing?

     

    ETA: Sorry it's all one long paragraph.  I put spaces in between paragraphs but I guess it didn't take.

    Lilypie Kids Birthday tickers Image and video hosting by TinyPic Lilypie Fourth Birthday tickers
  • imageEmilyVReese80:
    If my MIL lived with me I would run away from home. Does she pay rent? If she is working why can't she find her own place?

    I was thinking the same thing. 

    image Mommy to Barbara 11/8/05, Elisabeth 5/13/07, Loukas 12/23/08 and Lazarus 09/25/12
  • imagecjcouple:
    Why not talk over dinner? Honestly, it seems like something you just have to deal with for now. You can't ask someone to stop talking so much whether they live with you or not.

    I agree that families should talk over dinner but she has 3 kids so I'm guessing she isn't able to have a one-on-one conversation with her DH that lasts more than a few minutes.  She didn't say how old her kids are but my oldest is 3 and she's quite a chatter box.  Over dinner, she likes to tell DH what we did that day and wants him to tell HER about his day.  It's so cute that I don't interrupt.  For us, talking one-on-one works best after the kids are in bed or sometimes after dinner when the kids are playing together.  But like OP, the best time is when they are down for the night.

    Lilypie Kids Birthday tickers Image and video hosting by TinyPic Lilypie Fourth Birthday tickers
  • She sounds lonely to me. How much talking do you do with her when she gets home? Any chance you can field some of her questions/help her with her needs so that when DH gets home it's not quite as overwhelming?

    Does she ever go out or is it just work and home? Maybe you need to help her find some friends?

  • Yes MIL does pay a portion of rent and utilities and she gives me 50 every two weeks for food since i do the shopping and cook all the meals.

    She doesnt have any friends. She reallyenjoys staying at home knitting reading and watching Top Gear.

    When DH were seriously dating he told me eventually he was going to take care of his moms living situation when she got older bc she wont have enough in retirement and there isnt any other fam to take care of her. I just assumed itd be later.

    She is i think 58. She told us she could look for her own apt before the last move but money was still tight and DH didnt believe me when i said i would rather live in a smaller place with less money to do stuff then and not have her live with us....uggg. i do have 3 kidsunder 3 years old so it is great i get extra help. I really dont feel like a grown up at all.

    She is also messy which i try hard not to think about bc i am an organized nut. She has her bedroom and another room as her office. This rental house is big enough not to go crazy but im starting to loose it. I will have a conversation with DH about how i feel but i doubt anything will change.
  • Oh and my mil and i did have a talk about the future. She asked me what i thought about her living with us at a home we bought. I told her i would feel comfortable if she lived in her own smaller house on the property. She agreed thatd be great.

    Also talked about her signing up for a dating single website. She is divorced 30 years ago and is a strong catholic and hasnt really dated since...we will see if she follows through with that...
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards
"
"