Telling people about m/c — The Bump
Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss

Telling people about m/c

Only my mom and boss knew about our pregnancy so it wasn't hard to go back and updating those two. None of my friends knew and I know one friend who has gone thru this before so I'm inclined to tell her. I'm not sure if Ill regret telling others. It's nice to be able to open up for a few minutes but is it worth it later on when you're feeling better and you just want to be treated normally or wondering when you're going to try again? The moments of sadness come and go but I was just wondering if you had some advice here.  

Re: Telling people about m/c

  • I agree in the fact I think it's a personal decision. If you feel like telling them one day then tell them. I only told 5 people (2 close friends, the friend who babysat for us to go to the ER, and 2 other friends who I knew have had miscarriages and I wanted advice/support from) Besides our immediate families and one friend of my husband's nobody else knows. The close friends have shocked me but not being as supportive as I would have though. Actually since telling them neither of them have checked in on me. We all have lives and things come up and we get busy from time to time but I expected a little more from them. In fact I feel a bit abandoned. Neither of them have kids so maybe that contributes to it. Sometimes I think telling people just opens yourself up to more hurt from friends so be careful. I don't' want to sound negative, it's just my experience and sums up how I'm feeling in general today.
    Happily married to my Airman since 2004.
    BFP #1 - 3/06/08 - EDD, 11/6/08 - DD born 11/06/08! Ariana Brielle
    BFP #2 - 9/27/12 - EDD, 6/05/13 - Natural MC @6w6d, 10/16/12.
    BFP #3 - 1/6/13 - EDD 9/08/13 - Please be our rainbow baby!
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  • I told two close friends, one sister and my boss.The friends and sister have either experienced m/cs themselves or extreme infertility issues, so I knew 100% that they would get it and be understanding. My boss needed to know because of scheduling issues, and she has been way more supportive than I ever would have expected.

    I haven't even told my parents or my other sister because they are going through stressful times right now. They didn't even know we were trying, and I have mixed emotions about getting their hopes up. I will probably tell them at a later date, but I just wanted to keep it to a small list for now.

    I belong to another forum (not here) and I posted about it there. That has given me a place to be honest about feeling sad. That board and this one have been the biggest comfort to me by far.

    First-time mom, 35+, parenting after a loss (mmc Oct. 2012 @ 8 wks), ttc for a year after loss

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  • We told our parents, because they didn't know we were pregnant.  Then I told a handful of my close friends.  I wasn't sure if I wanted to because they didn't know I was pregnant.  But I kind of dropped off the face of the earth last week and I'm not feeling very social this week.  So I wanted them to know what was up.  They have been supportive.  I just told them via email because that was easier for me.

    None of my friends have had a m/c so this board has been helpful for me as well.

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  • My husband and I only told my parents so they are the only peole who know I had a m/c but I wish some people at work would have known because I was so out of it and I think everyone thought I was being lazy/weird. I can also see how telling some people might help because it is nice to have a support system.

  • I was surprised by how much I wanted people to know.  A good handful of friends and family knew we were pregnant, so we told them, and now quite a few folks who didn't know I was pregnant know that I miscarried. It just seemed like this huge, important thing happened in my life, something that changed me for good (and really impacted my work and personal life for a week or so), and it felt weird that people I am close to didn't know about it.  So far, I have felt really good about telling.  No one has brought it up other than to check on me, and at this point (3 weeks later), no one really mentions it unless I do (and I consider this a good thing).  Most of our friends have kids of their own, and several have experienced this themselves, so by and large they have been very sensitive.  One friend/co-worker brought over a meal the night before my D&C. I was thinking that I wasn't sure I wanted her to come by, but we ended up talking about it - I didn't know how much I needed that until I had it.
  • We have been very open about my m/c. We don't just go around bringing it up, but we don't try and hide it either.

    The advantage is that a lot of people have been very supportive. I've also had a lot of women share that they have had miscarriages too. The disadvantage is that some people say ignorant or rude things, but for us that has been fairly minimal. 

    Many people have asked if we are going to try again, and I respond with "definitely someday." We plan to start TTC again soon but I don't want everyone to know the specifics so I keep it vague. We are young so that answer satisfies most people. 

    I'm sorry for your loss. I hope you can find what level of openness best suits you and your family. 

    Started TTC July 2012. Missed m/c & d&c 9/12 11w. Natural m/c 1/13 6w. Chemical pgs 3/13 & 8/13 around 4w. Currently TTA while saving for adoption.

    “When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.” -Helen Keller
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