Scared to try again. :/ — The Bump
Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss

Scared to try again. :/

Let's be clear: The fiance and I won't start trying for about 2 years. But we talk about it all the time, so it's something on my mind a lot. (We're waiting for financial reasons... but I'm hoping once we get on a little more even ground I can convince him to do it sooner!)

I had a mc when I was 17 (I was with a bad guy who actually did the holes-in-condom trick... yeah, apparently it works). No known cause, but a year or so later I was diagnosed with PCOS, and I was also dealing with an eating disorder at the time, so overall it's not unexpected. As soon as I found out I was pg I started eating normally, forgoing my compulsions for the health of the baby, but I guess I was too late. 

When my now-fiance was 17, he had a son... who died at 3 months of age from SIDS. Now this was one of those teenage fathers that actually stands up, and he was fighting hard for custody at the time. He was my best friend at the time, and his son died about 6 months after my miscarriage, so I was there and saw the grief he went through... is still going through. You know how loss sticks with you (heck, my mc has stuck with me all this time).

Anyway, long story short. When we do start ttc, I'm terrified of another loss. I don't know how well either of us would be able to handle it.

We were visiting his son's grave not that long ago, when we saw two right across from each other (breaking the pattern, leaving a few spots not yet filled in). On further inspection we realized that they were stillborn sisters (or sisters who died on the days they were born), born about a year apart. I just... don't know how that couple went on. I couldn't do that twice. I've read some stories, both on here and other sites, of people who have endured multiple stillbirths/miscarriages/infant deaths (I'm a lurker more than a poster)... my deepest sympathies. And my deepest fear.

I really want to have kids, and so does my guy. I'm just not sure how I'm going to get past the fear long enough to try.

A few years later and I still sometimes pull out the teddy bear and cry over a child I barely knew existed before I lost it.

Re: Scared to try again. :/

  • Oh, wow. I can see why you are both nervous. Tons of HUGS.

    I think counseling might be a really good idea. It might help you both work through any unresolved grief, but also talk honestly together about what trying means for each of you.

    _______________________________________________________________________
    First-time mom, 35+, parenting after a loss (mmc Oct. 2012 @ 8 wks), ttc for a year after loss

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    January PAL siggie challenge; Good advice:
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  • Sorry for your loss.

    It took me almost a year to want to TTC again, and we just started trying. Everyone needs time to work through their emotions.

    Also, the TTCAL board is an amazing resource when you are ready.

    GL 

        DS born 8-16-2013
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  • Having a loss is definately something that stays with you forever and I don't think anyone really shakes that fear. For me, I know I'm ready to TTC again because the fear of never having a child outways the fear of another loss. I've lived through it once and I know if I had too, I could survive, but I know I'd be a little more broken. I'm terrified of another loss, but I just can imagine my life without a child.
    BFP #1: 12/26/11, EDD 09/05/12; m/c discovered: 02/22/12 @ 12w u/s,
    D&C: 03/08/12 Waited for AF for 146 long days!
    Hysteroscopy/D&C on July 10th to fix blocked cervix (DX: Cervical Stenosis)
    BFP #2 12/8/12, EDD 08/21/13 Our rainbow arrived 08/24/13!
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