New Mommy and Husband is Always Deployed — The Bump
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New Mommy and Husband is Always Deployed

When I married my husband he had been on shore duty for our entire "courtship". I have no experience or interest really in the military and therefore had no idea what I was really getting myself into. Shortly after getting married and moving cross country, he left. He had told me prior to moving that he would likely get deployed 6 or so months after arriving...which he did. However, there were the "work ups" leading up to the deployment which led to him being away for almost all of the time leading up to the actual deployment. Much to our surprise, (since we literally had like 5 minutes to get pregnant), we did and my very first thought after learning I was pregnant was, he is going to miss it. He left when I was 5 months pregnant and was gone for the rest of it, my baby's birth and the first 3 months of his life. What got me through this is that he kept telling me once they got back, that was it, he would be home and we would be a family. Shortly after getting back, he started leaving again for weeks at a time and we soon learned he was being deployed AGAIN. I literally had an out of body experience when I heard this. I was SO upset, angry, hurt, devastated and felt so misled. So hes now been gone for 2 months, leaving me alone with my baby (we are across the country from all friends and family) and they keep extending and extending his deployment-its now into June. I feel like Im going to break. I am so hurt that I find myself being mean and hurtful to my husband too. I dont know how to move beyond all the lost memories and once and a life time things he has missed. I am very liberal and do not see my husband being a part of the military as anything to be proud of so that argument doesnt take me far. I am trying to be strong for my baby, and I am, but I am just breaking inside because I just cant take all this time apart. By the time he gets back he will have been gone for 24 of 26 months.

Re: New Mommy and Husband is Always Deployed

  • imagekenyakate:
    When I married my husband he had been on shore duty for our entire "courtship". I have no experience or interest really in the military and therefore had no idea what I was really getting myself into. Shortly after getting married and moving cross country, he left. He had told me prior to moving that he would likely get deployed 6 or so months after arriving...which he did. However, there were the "work ups" leading up to the deployment which led to him being away for almost all of the time leading up to the actual deployment. Much to our surprise, (since we literally had like 5 minutes to get pregnant), we did and my very first thought after learning I was pregnant was, he is going to miss it. He left when I was 5 months pregnant and was gone for the rest of it, my baby's birth and the first 3 months of his life. What got me through this is that he kept telling me once they got back, that was it, he would be home and we would be a family. Shortly after getting back, he started leaving again for weeks at a time and we soon learned he was being deployed AGAIN. I literally had an out of body experience when I heard this. I was SO upset, angry, hurt, devastated and felt so misled. So hes now been gone for 2 months, leaving me alone with my baby (we are across the country from all friends and family) and they keep extending and extending his deployment-its now into June. I feel like Im going to break. I am so hurt that I find myself being mean and hurtful to my husband too. I dont know how to move beyond all the lost memories and once and a life time things he has missed. I am very liberal and do not see my husband being a part of the military as anything to be proud of so that argument doesnt take me far. I am trying to be strong for my baby, and I am, but I am just breaking inside because I just cant take all this time apart. By the time he gets back he will have been gone for 24 of 26 months.

     

    Indifferent

    I don't know what to say about the bolded items. I have a difficult time with people who marry into the military without researching, learning, and becoming part of the community and then complain when they realize it's not all puppies and rainbows. Is it hard? Yes. Is it difficult being away from your spouse, friends and family? Yes. Is it compounded when you add in a child? Hell yes. However, what have YOU done to make it better? Have you joined any clubs in the area (MOPS, enlisted wives club, FRG, etc..)? Have you made an effort to make new friends at all? Have you found a hobby or other activity to take up some of your time? Have you looked into any local support systems?

    This isn't an easy life. Your husband has no control over his deployment schedule, so please don't take it out on him. It is what it is. If he's gone so frequently, why don't you move back home during his times away? At least then you'd be surrounded by family and friends.

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  • It sounds like you maybe need to re-evaluate your expectations of being married to someone in the military. He can't really ever say "this will never happen" or "I won't be gone again" or anything like that at all. Mostly, he has zero control over that. Its really not his fault that this deployment happened, so your anger is really misdirected. If you continue to take it out on him, you are only going to hurt your relationship, possibly beyond repair. I would suggest you find something more productive and healthy to do with that anger. 

    It definitely sounds like you need to build yourself a support system where you are if you don't have one (spouse club, mommy club, religious group, knitting club, book club, coffee group, whatever your interests are that you can meet people you have something in common.)

    I would also recommend finding someone to talk to- therapist, minister, etc. If you goggle "MilOneSource" they offer counseling services for free to mil members and dependents. They contract with civilian mental health professionals to provide the services, so its outside of the military.

     Also, ftr, being liberal and not being proud of YH for being in the military are not necessarily correlated. Plenty of liberals are in the military and/or supporters of the military.  

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  • I can't even be nice here. I'm the most liberal person I know. I'm an Army Officer Applicant. Well, besides my active duty Marine H. I'm proud as hell of him, and of every service member. 

    You sound like a whiner, and sorry, but you married into the military. If you wanted to be a nihilist military hater, maybe you should have married the director of a medical marijuana center or something. And ditto the helpful and more nicely said things that people before me said. 

    I've seen a lot of military surprise homecomings. It wouldn't work on me. I always have my back to the corner and my face to the door. Looking for terrorists, criminals, various other threats, and husbands.
  • his schedule sounds very common for the navy. it sucks yes but dont take it out on him. it is my belief that when you marry someone you do all of your research about his past, behaviors, family, job etc. you married him and in turn married the military life. so here it is: suck it up and dont take it out on your husband. Also, yes you may be liberal but all of your liberties are because there are people like your husband defending our country. this life is what you make it and it seems that you are just sulking and not trying to make the best of it

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  • I'm sorry, but I have no sympathy for people who get pregnant knowing a deployment is coming up, then cry about the fact that their H is not their for birth or the first few months.  You knew that deployment was coming, you should have taken more precautions to avoid getting pregnant if you didn't want to go through that alone.  

    Also, I think it was ridiculously foolish of you to get married to a sailor without looking into anything at all about what sea duty was like.  I also put blame on your H as well for not talking about it all with you.  I met my H while he was on shore duty, but he and I both made sure I was fully aware of what sea duty was like before we decided to get married.  Yes there are definitely times that suck, especially now with deployments getting extended and coming up more frequently, but that's the life you willingly chose.  And you also willingly chose to have a baby with a sailor, who is NEVER guaranteed to be there.   

    Ditto everyone else about finding support groups near you and to stop blaming your H for things that are nowhere near being in his control.  Military marriages with that mentality almost never work out.   

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  • Ditto what everyone else said. I won't beat this like a dead horse but YOU should not be blaming your DH for this, he has no control over his deployments.

    This is the way the Military life is so you need to get with the program and stop acting like you're the only wife who's gone through this!
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    I'm honestly surprised by some of these responses.  Putting aside your comment about not being proud your husband is in the military (which is neither here nor there seeing as how pride in your H's job is cold comfort for anyone when dealing with a newborn and multiple deployments) it sounds like you're under an enormous amount of pressure.  I think resentment towards your H is understandable, though not healthy for either of you.

    Have you pursued any counseling?  Do you work, or have regular time to just unwind and do things on your own without your baby?  Have you done any PPD screenings to see if you might be suffering from it?  

  • Wow. I expected some of that, yes, but also hoped for a little support and compassion from people who have been through this and know how hurtful and painful it is to watch your child grow up without his dad.

    True we could have taken more precautions to not get pregnant when we did and I wasn't asking for your sympathy or pity when it comes to that. We knew the risks and took them. My pain lies more in that after getting through that, he left again. My baby doesn't know his dad and that's what hurt me, what led me to write this.

    Because he's been gone for so long and I was totally isolated once getting here, I got involved in everything I could. I got a job 2 of them actually, volunteer and attend FRG meetings. My baby and I did go to my parents house for several months after he was born for support and we are doing so again for the majority of this deployment.

    Again, my pain lies in reconciling the many lost once and a life time moments births, steps, words, etc that a couple is supposed to share and bond them together. How do you grow as a couple when you've spent almost your entire marriage apart? How do you cope with the weeks and months of being alone? All the support groups in the world can't take the place of your husband/sons father.
    And I didn't mean to imply all the things that people thought I implied by my "liberal" classification. We need all kinds in the military so that in itself doesn't mean I'm "anti military". The problem for me is more in this particular mission that he is on...both because we were told it wouldn't happen and because of what they are doing.

    Hope that makes a little more sense. I'm not trying to be a whiner, just trying to figure our how to not feel so distant when we have been apart for so so long.
  • I didn't have time to respond earlier, but now I'm glad since you posted again.

    I really didn't know what I was getting into when I married DH. I knew we'd be in Cali a year, then Hawaii for three. DH told me he wouldn't get deployed during that time. I had no clue about sea duty and shore duty. I assumed I was familiar enough with military life, having other family members in the military and growing up around a lot of people in the military (mostly AF). Unfortunately, I didn't realize how different Navy is from AF.

    We were also surprised by a deployment when we thought he wouldn't be going. It turned out to be only 6 months (could have been 12), so it wasn't that bad. So I can't identify with you on how long your H has been gone.

    I dealt with him missing the milestones by making videos, taking lots of pictures, and sending email every day. Even if I didn't hear from DH every day, he got at least one email from me. I also went and visited his family so that they could spend some time with DS.

    Does he write to/email you? Do you ever get to skype or talk on the phone? Take advantage of those opportunities. I also looked through old pictures of us and think of the happy times, and dream about things we could do when he came back. Do you tell him about the things you're involved with (volunteering, jobs, etc)?

    It took some time to adjust when he came back. Since your DH has been gone a long time, make sure and talk to people about what it's like to readjust to him being home, and how it will be for him to adjust to being home. Make sure that there is a place for him, and give him time to learn how to be a dad.

    I hope that makes sense. Deployment is rough. Whether or not you agree with it, it's what you signed up for when you married a military man.

    Good luck.

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  • I'm sorry to hear that you are struggling.  I understand that it is difficult.  My DH missed half of my pregnancy, the (difficult) delivery, (difficult) recovery of our (only) child, as well as his first nine months of life.  We did have two years together as a family, but in March, we moved to Germany and three months later, DH deployed for a year--leaving me to care for our child (and dog) in a foreign country.  When DH redeploys, he will have missed close to half of our son's life.  As for our marriage, between being out in the field, trainings and deployments, he has been gone for closing in on half of the time we've been married.  And, for good measure, we move. . .a lot.  We've been married for six years and we are living in house number seven.  So yah, I hear you.  It's challenging and there are days that it sucks hard.

     But, what good does it do to hate your life?  I try to choose to be at least content, if not happy, with my life.  I am thankful that my DH has a solid career that allows me to stay home with our child and provides wonderful opportunities.  Sure, it's difficult living on a different continent from my family and friends, especially given the 6-9 hour time differences, but I can't change that.

     I'm glad that you've gotten involved with the community.  Have you made any friends? Life with a baby and a deployed spouse can be very isolating.  Getting out of the house daily is important--even if you just go walk around the mall.  

     As for growing together as a couple. . . It is more difficult.  I won't lie.  It's hard to grow together when you both have put up walls to protect yourselves.  But, if you want this to work, you find ways to get around or through those walls.  Is there a wife in your DH's unit who has a bit more experience with Navy life, whose beliefs are more in line with yours, who you could talk to?  Honestly, people tend not to talk about the difficult aspects of their lives.  But we all struggle--some more gracefully than others.  The trick is finding something that works for you and your DH.

    I hope that you are able to find a more comfortable head space for where you are in life right now.  For me, I married my DH "knowing what I was getting into" (we met online while he was deployed) and there are days that I am just done.  But I can't be "done".  I married my DH because I could not imagine my life without him--even if that meant moving frequently, deployments and the other stresses of military life.  I hope you are able to come to terms with military life so that things aren't as difficult for you. 

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  • imagekenyakate:
    Wow. I expected some of that, yes, but also hoped for a little support and compassion from people who have been through this and know how hurtful and painful it is to watch your child grow up without his dad. True we could have taken more precautions to not get pregnant when we did and I wasn't asking for your sympathy or pity when it comes to that. We knew the risks and took them. My pain lies more in that after getting through that, he left again. My baby doesn't know his dad and that's what hurt me, what led me to write this. Because he's been gone for so long and I was totally isolated once getting here, I got involved in everything I could. I got a job 2 of them actually, volunteer and attend FRG meetings. My baby and I did go to my parents house for several months after he was born for support and we are doing so again for the majority of this deployment. Again, my pain lies in reconciling the many lost once and a life time moments births, steps, words, etc that a couple is supposed to share and bond them together. How do you grow as a couple when you've spent almost your entire marriage apart? How do you cope with the weeks and months of being alone? All the support groups in the world can't take the place of your husband/sons father. And I didn't mean to imply all the things that people thought I implied by my "liberal" classification. We need all kinds in the military so that in itself doesn't mean I'm "anti military". The problem for me is more in this particular mission that he is on...both because we were told it wouldn't happen and because of what they are doing. Hope that makes a little more sense. I'm not trying to be a whiner, just trying to figure our how to not feel so distant when we have been apart for so so long.

     

    This post makes you seem much less of a brat than your first post. I know that you are new to The Bump, so please just take that as another life lesson. Be careful what and how you post, because TB is not always known for being support and compassion.

    Now, how do you reconcile the idea that your DH is missing out on so much? You involve him as much as you can. Write to him, take pictures and video. If he has an opportunity to talk with you, keep it positive and tell him all the neat things you and your daughter are doing while you wait for his return. Sometimes, you have to fake it 'til you make it. Wake up each morning and tell yourself that he will not be gone forever. Talk to your daughter about how great her father is and what made you fall in love with him. Keeping him in your thoughts in a positive way vs. "I hate that he told me he'd be back by now, that liar!" goes a long way in your overall mental view of him and the military.

       I highly suggest contacting Military OneSource. It's FREE, confidential, and immensely helpful. They have resources like counseling, books and other materials, and great resources.

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  • Sorry, this is long. : 

    Without repeating everything everybody has said, I have to say I agree with every bit of it. Even if you have no interest or experience with military life it's unrealistic to think that you wouldn't have to deal with a deployment. We do not have world peace so there is always going to be a need for our soldiers in every branch to be deployed for a time.

    I am surprised that your DH did not explain things more clearly to you before you got married. I have been with my DH for 11 years now and married for 3 years. He joined the military after we were married so his recruiter made it a requirement that I come in and meet them and ask any questions I might have before we made this decision. I don't quite think the recruiter expected me to be so well prepared. I came in with three notebook pages full of questions I had. After my meeting we had a long talk and came to the decision as a family for him to enlist in the Army National Guard.

    He enlisted in July 2011, left for basic training in October 2011, came home from training in March 2012 and deployed in July 2012. That was a shocker to me because his recruiter had said he likely would not be deployed for at least a year or so after his training just because he was so new. Due to circumstances beyond our control though (injuries, soldiers getting in trouble, etc) he was moved from the rear detachment to the forward detachment.

    The biggest thing I have learned in my short career as an Army Wife is that the only thing you can count on to remain constant is this: "Everything Changes." Sure, it's hard and there are times when I was upset with my DH because I was alone so much. But I know that he is over there fighting for my freedoms and I think that because we have been together for so long before the military entered our lives that our relationship is stronger because of it.

    When we found out he was deployed we had a big talk about whether to get pregnant or not. I knew if we did that he would miss the entire pregnancy and most likely the first part of the baby's life. I've known since I was 18 years old that I would not feel like my life was complete without being a Mom, whether biological or adopted. When the deployment was thrown at us, I realized it wasn't just being a Mom I wanted. I wanted to be the mother to HIS children. No matter how safe he claims to be over there and all the reassurances I got from everybody I had to think logically and realize that there is a chance he may never come home. So we decided to start trying for a family and if it happened it happened but we weren't going to stress over it.

    We found out 6 days before he deployed that I was pregnant. I'm 18 weeks now and has it sucked that he isn't here for my doctor's appointments? Of course it does. Does it suck that he doesn't get to feel the baby moving? Sure it does. And will it suck that he won't be there for the birth? More than I'm sure I'm even aware of at the moment. But we made that choice together and we're working through it. We Skype as much as we can even though it means waking up at 2 AM. I take photos and videos of literally EVERYTHING so that I can make a scrapbook and it will be like he's here.

    My advice to you is to seek out a therapist to talk to. I know it has helped me with some fear and jealousy issues I've had, and it's nice to be able to talk to somebody who won't judge you like family and friends may secretly do. For me at least I feel less embarrassed to tell my therapist what I may be feeling rather than telling my sister for instance.

    I hope you can work through these feelings and find a way to grow the bond with your husband even though he is deployed a lot. A previous poster mentioned the Military One Source and it's definitely worth checking out. They have counseling available for when he comes home too in order to help you reconnect.

    Good Luck to you. 

  • Ummm I'm also very liberal and proud that my husband serves in the military. I don't know what being liberal has to do with anything...

     

    That being said, the military wife life isn't for the faint of heart. It definitely takes getting used to but if you are able there are probably organizations on base or post or whatever you may call it that can help you find other wives to bond and befriend. Unfortunately, there's no miracle cure for loneliness but your husband is doing something that you SHOULD be proud of. Also explain this to your child so he or she knows that daddy may not be around but he loves him or her very much. I can't comprehend being alone at birth but just know that you aren't alone in these feelings you just have to seek out ways to cope.

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  • imagemummyofsix:

    I read this last night before you replied and got a little support and my heart broke for you a little bit. Im sorry. Heres my very honest answer that will likely get ME flamed as well (so we can be in the fire together... :p )

    The military can really, really suck. Lots (sometimes it will feel like most/ all) of wives cope with it because they feel like the pride and the benefits make it worth the sh*tstorm. And honestly, I probably felt like that the first 8-ish years as well. It was DEFINITELY easier at the start when I was all hopped up on the glory and hero stuff. I am much more 'over it' now and no longer get all tweaky at the idea of DH in dress blues and the USMC ball and all the other stuff that got me through the earlier years. 

    Other wives dont. And thats OK too. Its hard to be alone so much and its hard to have a child without its father around a lot. And, 24 out of 26 months is an unusually rough patch (cue all the "Well my DH was gone for the first 4.5 years of our marriage and I only saw him 4 days a year" etc. We get it, you're coping much better than the OP. Congrats!) And, as this thread has shown you, it can be *really* unpopular to say what you think about this. 

    I do highly suggest getting involved in your local community and base because its a source of support and gets you out of the house and doing things of your own rather than just waiting for him to come home. Also, get a good sitter and use them a lot.

    While I think your 'liberal' comment was a very poor choice of words, I do understand what you meant by it. Im sorry you are having a rough time and I hope it gets better soon. Dont beat yourself up too much. :) 

     

    Is the military life fabulous? No. Often times that Army sucks. Am I still proud of my husband? Yes. I don't get "hopped up on glory and hero stuff" I'm genuinely proud of him because there are plenty of deadbeat spouses out there. The women that wear their husbands rank are a joke, sure but taking pride in being a military spouse doesn't make you ridiculous. These women weren't overly harsh. Sorry, but the reality is that being a military wife is hard. You're going to miss your husband, your child will miss your husband but you will also cope. 

     

    I didn't marry my husband because of his uniform or his benefits, I married him because I love him. I take the good with the bad because of it. 

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  • I am extremely proud of my husband.  It isn't for his uniform or what ever the hell the glory is, I earned my own dang uniform and wore that proudly.  I'm proud of my husband because he is a wonderful man who does his job extremely well. 

    OP, I know how hard it is to have a husband gone all the time and have children.  My husband is only home for 12-20 weeks out of every year, non-consecutively.  We have 4 kids.  It's tough.  However,  we made the choice to focus on the time we do have together.  We make the most of every day we do have.  When he's gone, he misses A LOT of things.  Instead of feeling sorry for him, the kids and myself, I do something about it.  I document all of it.  I take a crap ton of pics and video.  Even if we are just sitting at home for movie night, I'm taking pics and videos.  

    Our lives don't pause when he's gone and he doesn't want it too.  I take all four of them on vacations.  We always take his favorite hat with us.  Each day, one of the kids wears his hat and we take pics of Daddy's Hat at each thing we do.  Even if it's lunch at Arby's, the hat is in a pic.  

    He doesn't often have great communication when he's gone.  We send pics and email every day.  When he can get on, he's able to look at them.  We send packages once a week.   Sometimes, it's just drawings from the kids, little notes and pictures.  Sometimes, the kids each pick out a snack to send him and he gets a box of goodies.  

    We stay connected as a couple in all sorts of ways.  When he's home, we attend church regularly.  When he's gone, I email him a copy of our church bulletin.   He follows along and reads what we are learning.  If he has questions, he talks to the Chaplain.  

    We also read the same books while he's gone.  When we are able to talk, it gives us something extra to talk about.  It's something we can experience together even though we are half a world apart.  

    When he's home, we take the time to have date nights.  Sometimes, it's only a movie and a glass of wine in bed after the kids go to bed.  Other times, it's a night out with no kids.  Today, we had lunch together.  

    We also attend marriage retreats when his unit offers them.  We try to go once a training cycle.  It's a great way for us to learn new communication skills and new ways to stay connected when we are apart.  

    Honestly, I think you need to pull your self up out of the poopy, poor me mood and re think your way of seeing it all.  This life is really all about our attitudes toward it.  It's all about your outlook.  Those of us who face the fight and are determined not to let it beat us still have bad days, but not nearly as many as the people who roll up in a ball and let it walk all over them.   

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  • Honestly? Suck it up. If it is really impacting your ability to cope on a daily basis, get help. 

    No person marries a servicememeber and really expects it to be that way, but it is what it is. Common sense should tell you it is not going to be easy. you need to learn to roll with the punches. Your H has zero control over his deployments, so you need to stop blaming him,

    I have been there. Over 2 years, DH was gone for about 18 months of it. He'd only be home for a few months at a time before leaving again. It sucked, but you need to keep it in perspective. If living away from family's too much, move home while DH is away. 

    You need to change your way of thinking. You are still creating memories with LO. Get creative, and they may be different, but you can create memories with your H as well, even while he's away.

    If you can't handle it, you can't handle it. Be fair to your H though. You may not have expected it to be this way, but life isn't fair. You married a military man, and you should have thought twice if you didn't think you could hack it. 

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  • imageBeachy730:

    I'm sorry, but I have no sympathy for people who get pregnant knowing a deployment is coming up, then cry about the fact that their H is not their for birth or the first few months.  You knew that deployment was coming, you should have taken more precautions to avoid getting pregnant if you didn't want to go through that alone.  

    Also, I think it was ridiculously foolish of you to get married to a sailor without looking into anything at all about what sea duty was like.  I also put blame on your H as well for not talking about it all with you.  I met my H while he was on shore duty, but he and I both made sure I was fully aware of what sea duty was like before we decided to get married.  Yes there are definitely times that suck, especially now with deployments getting extended and coming up more frequently, but that's the life you willingly chose.  And you also willingly chose to have a baby with a sailor, who is NEVER guaranteed to be there.   

    Ditto everyone else about finding support groups near you and to stop blaming your H for things that are nowhere near being in his control.  Military marriages with that mentality almost never work out.   


     

    Couldn't said it better. Also, I have no idea how being a liberal and not being proud of your husband correlate. Hell even if my H worked at McDonalds I'd be proud of him for doing what he had to do to support his family.


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  • imagemummyofsix:
    I read this last night before you replied and got a little support and my heart broke for you a little bit. Im sorry. Heres my very honest answer that will likely get ME flamed as well so we can be in the fire together... :p The military can really, really suck. Lots sometimes it will feel like most/ all of wives cope with it because they feel like the pride and the benefits make it worth the shtstorm. And honestly, I probably felt like that the first 8ish years as well. It was DEFINITELY easier at the start when I was all hopped up on the glory and hero stuff. I am much more 'over it' now and no longer get all tweaky at the idea of DH in dress blues and the USMC ball and all the other stuff that got me through the earlier years.nbsp;Other wives dont. And thats OK too. Its hard to be alone so much and its hard to have a child without its father around a lot. And, 24 out of 26 months is an unusually rough patch cue all the "Well my DH was gone for the first 4.5 years of our marriage and I only saw him 4 days a year" etc. We get it, you're coping much better than the OP. Congrats! And, as this thread has shown you, it can be really unpopular to say what you think about this.nbsp;I do highly suggest getting involved in your local community and base because its a source of support and gets you out of the house and doing things of your own rather than just waiting for him to come home. Also, get a good sitter and use them a lot. While I think your 'liberal' comment was a very poor choice of words, I do understand what you meant by it. Im sorry you are having a rough time and I hope it gets better soon. Dont beat yourself up too much. :nbsp;


    Um ya I didn't marry my husband for the benefits. When he's gone I deal with it actually pretty well because I am prior AD so I know how it feels to be in his shoes.

    When he's gone I don't think "yay I get to do extra shopping cause we get more money". Maybe people who are only in it for the benefits think that way but not me.

    Being seperated sucks but you develope a routine when their gone and go on as normal as you can then when they come back you make adjustments.

    It's harder on them than us imo! They are in the middle of the damn ocean floating around for 9 months hardly ever seeing land while we sit here safe and sound.

    OP instead of thinking about how hard this is on you, think about how hard it is on your husband not getting to see his daughter grow up.
  • Thank you guys for your thoughts and suggestions. It's really given me a lot to think about and helped put some things into perspective. I also appreciate some of your specific ideas as far as things to do to connectboth for he and I and for my son. I intend to start using some of them I already try hard to send several pictures and videos a day immediately.

    I do want to say too, that I would hope that this can be a forum where people can find support and positive encouragement. This is a tough life and being hard on one another just makes things tougher. If someone is reaching out for help from total strangers, be sensitive and kind. You don't know how fragile the person might be behind the screen. I may have come off as a brat, but at the end of the day, I am a fellow military spouse having a hard time. We should all just try and find positive ways of supporting eachother and less of the "you're stupid" type stuff. Just a thought.

    Thank you guys for making me feel like I'm not alone!
  • As a liberal person I can assure you that your left leaning beliefs in no way have to impact the pride you have for your country, our military, and your husband.  If you can't see that I'm not sure where to even begin helping you.  I am from a family of veterans and we are all liberal.  While the military does tend to lean to the conservative end of the spectrum, there are plenty of liberals in our ranks (actually, some of the biggest tenants of the military - service, others before self - are very "left leaning" ideologies).  But I digress...

    The Navy is having a very busy few years.  The op-tempo is higher than ever and we are all feeling the pinch.  It sucks.  And it sounds like you are getting a heavy hand of this.  I'm sorry your husband has been gone for so much. :(

    That being said, this is in now way the fault of your husband.  You are a team.  He cannot control what the military orders him to do.  I'm sure that he is at least as upset as you are about missing so much with your child.  My husband had a very hard time on his last deployment - it was our third as a married couple but the first with kids.  Kids change everything.  He missed a ton and it really rocked him.  Of course I got annoyed with the Navy while he was gone - and sometimes I would vent to him.  But I have a rule that I really try hard to never take out my anger toward the "big Navy" on my husband.  It just simply isn't fair (or good for our marriage).

    Your lack of research going into a marriage with a military member is a mistake you need to own.  It is not an excuse for you to up and leave your husband.  If you love him, and you love the relationship with him, I would work very hard at trying to overcome this. 

    As a married couple, you need to discuss his future in the military.  I don't know your personal situation, but re-enlisting or adding years to a commission are something that needs to be decided as a family.  So maybe there will come a time where you can feel like you are more in control of your destiny as a family.  But right now, as you face down a long deployment, you need to support your husband, and most importantly take care of yourself and your child.

    I personally never moved home.  I have always worked and I tend to get enmeshed in a community (volunteering, friends, my home) and don't want to uproot that for a deployment.  But if you think it would make you a ton happier and there is nothing holding you at his duty station - go.  There is no right or wrong answer to that question.

    Married 6/28/03

    Kate ~ 7/3/09 *** Connor ~ 11/11/10

    4 miscarriages: 2007, 2009, 2013, 2014

    *~*~*~*~*

    No more TTC for us. We are done, and at peace, as a family of 4.

    "Suffering has been stronger than all other teaching, and has taught me to understand what your heart used to be. I have been bent and broken, but – I hope – into a better shape.” — Charles Dickens

     

  • imagekenyakate:
    Wow. I expected some of that, yes, but also hoped for a little support and compassion from people who have been through this and know how hurtful and painful it is to watch your child grow up without his dad. True we could have taken more precautions to not get pregnant when we did and I wasn't asking for your sympathy or pity when it comes to that. We knew the risks and took them. My pain lies more in that after getting through that, he left again. My baby doesn't know his dad and that's what hurt me, what led me to write this. Because he's been gone for so long and I was totally isolated once getting here, I got involved in everything I could. I got a job 2 of them actually, volunteer and attend FRG meetings. My baby and I did go to my parents house for several months after he was born for support and we are doing so again for the majority of this deployment. Again, my pain lies in reconciling the many lost once and a life time moments births, steps, words, etc that a couple is supposed to share and bond them together. How do you grow as a couple when you've spent almost your entire marriage apart? How do you cope with the weeks and months of being alone? All the support groups in the world can't take the place of your husband/sons father. And I didn't mean to imply all the things that people thought I implied by my "liberal" classification. We need all kinds in the military so that in itself doesn't mean I'm "anti military". The problem for me is more in this particular mission that he is on...both because we were told it wouldn't happen and because of what they are doing. Hope that makes a little more sense. I'm not trying to be a whiner, just trying to figure our how to not feel so distant when we have been apart for so so long.

    First of all, the way you frame a situation will often form your outlook.  Saying he "left you" is a little harsh.  Our spouses don't "leave us".  They are required to go on missions, deployments, and duties away from us. 

    Have you ever really thought about your husband and his feelings? Have you talked to him about his feelings?  Because I see you talking about a lot of stuff you are dealing with, but very little about the fact that he is probably hurting very badly too. 

    Feeling closer to him is going to require effort from both of you.  Do you write letters? Send packages? Email him about the very mundane details of your day?  Because I know with my DH, the mundane is music to his ears.  He wants to hear all about the silly things our kids do. 

    The upside?  You will truly appreciate having your husband home when he is home.  This past fall has felt absolutely luxurious to me because my husband has been home and we have been able to spend some quality family time.  I don't take him for granted.  Honestly, 9+ years of marriage, I do credit the military for keeping things fresh between us.  I get the privilege of "missing" my husband.  Meeting him in port in France for a romantic rendezvous.  Stuff that is unique.  Yes, it doesn't bring back the birth of your child, or missed holidays, or the difficultly of caring for your child solo - but it is something.  You will not make it (or at least you won't make it and be happy) if you can't re-focus and re-frame this experience.

    Married 6/28/03

    Kate ~ 7/3/09 *** Connor ~ 11/11/10

    4 miscarriages: 2007, 2009, 2013, 2014

    *~*~*~*~*

    No more TTC for us. We are done, and at peace, as a family of 4.

    "Suffering has been stronger than all other teaching, and has taught me to understand what your heart used to be. I have been bent and broken, but – I hope – into a better shape.” — Charles Dickens

     

  • what does being liberal have to do with supporting/being proud of the military?? Indifferent Military members aren't the ones making political decisions but they are thrown into the consequences of them...
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  • I agree with the other posters. You are in dire need of an attitude adjustment. 

    Also, my husband and I are both pretty liberal in most areas of our beliefs. I'm extremely proud of his service to our country and vice versa. Sometimes it's hard to set aside your personal beliefs to do something that has to be done anyways. We're not the policy makers. We're just the enforcers. 
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