How would you respond to this?

lovebug33

I am in a women's church group that I love. One woman has been very judgmental about things with my pregnancy and now my baby rearing. She wrote me a letter yesterday and gave me books by doctor Laura (who, by the way, makes me want to alternately scream or vomit) about how I HAVE to be a SAHM. She basically told me I was harming my child and being selfish by working. She doesn't understand that if I didn't work, we might lose our home and go into bankruptcy. We are up to our eyeballs in debt because we had to do fertility treatments. I am so angry, I just don't know how to respond. Any suggestions beyond using swear language would be appreciated!

carlab44

I wouldn't try to justify your reason to work with her. I would probably just tell her "I understand you mean well and feel passionately about this. But believe me when I say we are doing what is best for our family with me working. And for the sake of our friendship I ask that you stop questioning, criticizing, or involving yourself in our personal family matters."

RoxyLynn

Good response above.  I would also return the book to her so that she can send it to someone else.

Since this is a church group, perhaps there could be a church sermon or a small-group discussion about respecting other opinions?

jeffsjayme

I get where she's coming from.  SAHM is a wonderful option and many moms are very passionate about it.  I think the tactic here is education.  One or two sentences about fertility treatments and the financial need to get there might help her realize what your situation is.  She's likely living in a bubble and hasn't had to think about it before.

FemShep

jeffsjayme:

I get where she's coming from.  SAHM is a wonderful option and many moms are very passionate about it.  I think the tactic here is education.  One or two sentences about fertility treatments and the financial need to get there might help her realize what your situation is.  She's likely living in a bubble and hasn't had to think about it before.

 You're out of line. Working is a wonderful option, and many moms are very passionate about it. OP shouldn't have to explain or justify her decisions, and certainly shouldn't feel obligated to discuss her financial situation. 

OP, PP's suggested response that you know the friend means well but you've made the decision that works best for your family and you'd like her to drop the subject is a great one. 

jeffsjayme

FemShep:

jeffsjayme:

I get where she's coming from.  SAHM is a wonderful option and many moms are very passionate about it.  I think the tactic here is education.  One or two sentences about fertility treatments and the financial need to get there might help her realize what your situation is.  She's likely living in a bubble and hasn't had to think about it before.

 You're out of line. Working is a wonderful option, and many moms are very passionate about it. OP shouldn't have to explain or justify her decisions, and certainly shouldn't feel obligated to discuss her financial situation. 

OP, PP's suggested response that you know the friend means well but you've made the decision that works best for your family and you'd like her to drop the subject is a great one. 

Chill.  I work.  I think working moms is a wonderful option too.  Just thinking that OP has a good opportunity to educate this other mom so that she doesn't make other WM feel bad too.  Calm down. 

ETA: Of course, OP doesn't owe an explanation, but the fact that she's bothered by the gal's comments, loves her church group and wants a different option other than to sit there, be mad or use curse words tells me that she wants a different option.  Key is education in my opinion. 

mben1119

jeffsjayme:

I get where she's coming from. nbsp;SAHM is a wonderful option and many moms are very passionate about it. nbsp;I think the tactic here is education. nbsp;One or two sentences about fertility treatments and the financial need to get there might help her realize what your situation is. nbsp;She's likely living in a bubble and hasn't had to think about it before.

But it isn't her business how the op conceived or how much money she has. Op, I would talk her thank you, I will consider that. Then avoid her whenever possible without being rude.

EastCoastBride

carlab44:

I wouldn't try to justify your reason to work with her. I would probably just tell her "I understand you mean well and feel passionately about this. But believe me when I say we are doing what is best for our family with me working. And for the sake of our friendship I ask that you stop questioning, criticizing, or involving yourself in our personal family matters."

Basically this.  She is so, so, so out of line.  I owuldn't explain ANYTHING to her because it only tells her that her opinion matters and that she has a say in your life.  She doesn't.  She doesn't need to know about your finances.  At all.

carlab44

jeffsjayme:

I get where she's coming from.  SAHM is a wonderful option and many moms are very passionate about it.  I think the tactic here is education.  One or two sentences about fertility treatments and the financial need to get there might help her realize what your situation is.  She's likely living in a bubble and hasn't had to think about it before.

It is one thing to be passionate about your choice to be a SAHM, it is another to act like that is the correct choice for everyone. 

The only education this woman needs is that is it none of her business whether other women work or stay home. Or why they work - whether the OP has to work because of financial strain from IVF or she chooses to work because she loves her job and isn't cut out to be a SAHM. Trying to justify her decision only gives the impression there are right and wrong reasons for women to be working.

JLS0320

I also would not explain anything to her, it's none of her business. I'm more forward than most and would tell her "please focus on your family, and I will focus on mine. What is right for my family is none of your business, have a nice day".

daisy662

JLS0320:

I also would not explain anything to her, it's none of her business. I'm more forward than most and would tell her "please focus on your family, and I will focus on mine. What is right for my family is none of your business, have a nice day".

THIS.

This woman is out of her mind. It is none of her business and I would feel the need to tell her so. Good luck and sorry you have to deal with this.

Zimger

carlab44:

jeffsjayme:

I get where she's coming from.  SAHM is a wonderful option and many moms are very passionate about it.  I think the tactic here is education.  One or two sentences about fertility treatments and the financial need to get there might help her realize what your situation is.  She's likely living in a bubble and hasn't had to think about it before.

It is one thing to be passionate about your choice to be a SAHM, it is another to act like that is the correct choice for everyone. 

The only education this woman needs is that is it none of her business whether other women work or stay home. Or why they work - whether the OP has to work because of financial strain from IVF or she chooses to work because she loves her job and isn't cut out to be a SAHM. Trying to justify her decision only gives the impression there are right and wrong reasons for women to be working.

I agree with this. If you want to explain yourself then okay but don't feel pressured to. In my opinon she crossed the line by saying you were doing your child harm by working.

lovebug33

I really don't want to explain to her because, while I'm open about how I conceived, I don't like to talk about how much it cost IRL. It isn't anybody's business and I really do not want to justify why I am working. I'm working, whether I want to or not (to be honest, I want to be a SAHM, but that isn't an option). Thanks for all the advice and I think I will take the tell her to mind her own business nicely approach!

madamsmurfette

carlab44:

I wouldn't try to justify your reason to work with her. I would probably just tell her "I understand you mean well and feel passionately about this. But believe me when I say we are doing what is best for our family with me working. And for the sake of our friendship I ask that you stop questioning, criticizing, or involving yourself in our personal family matters."

I wouldn't even give her the courtesy of this response. Quite frankly, I'd tell her to f' off and mind her own f'ing business. Also, I'd tell her that she's soon going to be friendless if she can't figure out what is appropriate and what's BSC.

Iblamethebeer

Someone who gives you unsolicited "parenting" books is also someone who, when told you have debt, is going to give you Dave Ramsey books and take an active unsolicited role in managing your finances. 

Just thank her for her concern and say that you and your husband have considered the issue at length and agree that this is best for your family at this time.  (And depending on the terminology you are comfortable using, modify the above the mention prayer, listening, discerning, etc).

reb562

I wouldn't try to justify your reason to work with her. I would probably just tell her "I understand you mean well and feel passionately about this. But believe me when I say we are doing what is best for our family with me working. And for the sake of our friendship I ask that you stop questioning, criticizing, or involving yourself in our personal family matters."

 

I really like this answer above, but it's up to you what you want to tell her.  Ironically, as a career women I actually like Dr. Laura...I listen to her during my lunch hour.  I think she means well, but in this day and age it's just different.  Anyhoot, If someone told me anything close to what that lady told you, I would have acted like a total B**ch

laurakaz13

carlab44:

I wouldn't try to justify your reason to work with her. I would probably just tell her "I understand you mean well and feel passionately about this. But believe me when I say we are doing what is best for our family with me working. And for the sake of our friendship I ask that you stop questioning, criticizing, or involving yourself in our personal family matters."

Another vote for this.  She's sounds like an @ss!

MrsKM82

Oh my. That lady is a b!tch and a busy body. I would flip it around on her and tell her she is wasting her life and education just staying at home. See how she likes being unfairly judged although other PPs suggestions are much more diplomatic. Seriously every mom struggles to make the best decision for their family, whether it is staying home or working. No one else has the right judge and criticize your decision. I am all for staying at home obviously but I could not even imagine trying to enforce my decision and what's best for my family on somebody else. Sorry I know I am a lurker but this just made me mad. People like her are just fueling the mommy wars.

ASmallWonder

carlab44:

jeffsjayme:

I get where she's coming from.  SAHM is a wonderful option and many moms are very passionate about it.  I think the tactic here is education.  One or two sentences about fertility treatments and the financial need to get there might help her realize what your situation is.  She's likely living in a bubble and hasn't had to think about it before.

It is one thing to be passionate about your choice to be a SAHM, it is another to act like that is the correct choice for everyone. 

The only education this woman needs is that is it none of her business whether other women work or stay home. Or why they work - whether the OP has to work because of financial strain from IVF or she chooses to work because she loves her job and isn't cut out to be a SAHM. Trying to justify her decision only gives the impression there are right and wrong reasons for women to be working.

I agree with this.  OP shouldn't provide ANY information on why she works.  I think I get most irritated by people who imply that working is ok because they NEED to, which just puts people who CHOOSE to, further down the mommy wars pole. 

rakle99

My sister in law is the same way. My husband's family is very conservative and I'm the only woman who works outside the home. My sister in law often quotes bible verses 'supporting' her views that I should stay at home. It took awhile but I finally got her to agree to stop talking about it. She finally realized that it was my decision and there was nothing else she could do about it. I think she felt an obligation to 'help' me find 'the right way'.

I would give the books back to this woman and tell her they don't fit you and your husband's way of thinking. You have to be firm with her and set boundaries. If she brings it up, excuse yourself and get away from her. People that are this adamant about this subject are also pretty adamant about the woman being second in a relationship and being unable to make her own decisions, so if you say something about how your husband agrees with you and you have to support his decision, and that if she wants to discuss it further she needs to talk to him about it, she'll probably back down a lot. She won't want to usurp your husband's "authority".

 

BelleWithABlade

I agree with most of PP, do not give her any personal information.  You don't need to justify anything to her at all.  I would walk up to her next time I saw her, hand her the books, and say "I didn't ask for any parenting advice from you, please don't contact me again in the future".

Kie310

I would return everything and say, "I mean this as nicely as possible - please stay out of my buisness." and leave it at that.

mexicolombiana

As a bankruptcy lawyer I just want to say, you should file bankruptcy, get rid of all your unsecured debt and medical bills and you can keep your home

Bankruptcy is NOT the end of the world, in fact it's quite awesome if you are up to your eyeballs in debt.  You get rid of the debt and you can breathe, that's what the bankruptcy laws are made for!

Ok moving along, sorry, the lawyer in me couldn't resist

 

skibunny59

How incredibly insensitive and inappropriate of her.  I don't understand how some people think that every woman chooses to go back to work.  I mean there are some of us out there that have to go back to work in order to make ends meet.  Have you told her about the cost you had to endure going through fertility treatments?  I know some people would shut right up if they knew that.  I probably would ignore the letter and not speak to her again.

skibunny59

jeffsjayme:

I get where she's coming from.  SAHM is a wonderful option and many moms are very passionate about it.  I think the tactic here is education.  One or two sentences about fertility treatments and the financial need to get there might help her realize what your situation is.  She's likely living in a bubble and hasn't had to think about it before.

SAHM is a wonderful thing but it's just not a reality for many women.   

Sonadora

Send the books back. Tell her in no uncertain terms that your family's decisions are of no concern to her. 

I would not explain a thing, would not thank her for her concern (judgment is more like it) and I would be cold, curt, and as polite as possible given her abhorrent behavior.

skibunny59

carlab44:

jeffsjayme:

I get where she's coming from.  SAHM is a wonderful option and many moms are very passionate about it.  I think the tactic here is education.  One or two sentences about fertility treatments and the financial need to get there might help her realize what your situation is.  She's likely living in a bubble and hasn't had to think about it before.

It is one thing to be passionate about your choice to be a SAHM, it is another to act like that is the correct choice for everyone. 

This especially!  I am passionate about a lot of parenting things (cloth diapering, breastfeeding, etc)  does that mean I'm going to preach to all other mothers about how they should cloth diaper and exclusively breastfeed their babies too.  Absolutely not!  It's completely inappropriate.  When my cousin decided that she was going to formula feed her baby did I give her a book about how great breastfeeding is?  Of course not!  That is so inappropriate and it's basically saying like my way is better.  My cousin is a great mom even though she is not like me.  You can be passionate about something without being a jerk about it.

mexicolombiana

Sonadora:

Send the books back. Tell her in no uncertain terms that your family's decisions are of no concern to her. 

I would not explain a thing, would not thank her for her concern (judgment is more like it) and I would be cold, curt, and as polite as possible given her abhorrent behavior.

Yes I would do this too.  Exactly this in fact.  

itsmevkb

Give her a bible and highlight Matthew 7:1 "Judge not lest you be judged."

That should shut her up.

Pesky

"I appreciate your concern and caring for our family.  We are making the decisions that best suit our family and our values.  We have heard your suggestions and our path forward lies in a different direction.  We know we can count on your respect of our parenting decisions in the life of our child and your prayers for a fruitful life together as a family."

If she doesn't, then I'd have a firmer conversation along the lines of "STFU."

rabstbmom

daisy662:

JLS0320:

I also would not explain anything to her, it's none of her business. I'm more forward than most and would tell her "please focus on your family, and I will focus on mine. What is right for my family is none of your business, have a nice day".

THIS.

This woman is out of her mind. It is none of her business and I would feel the need to tell her so. Good luck and sorry you have to deal with this.

I'd say this...well, actually, I'm the type I'd probably throw in a curse word or two, but that's me, and it being a church group, I can see how you might want to avoid that. :-)

I'd DEFINITELY not provide any explanation about your financial situation or the reason for it. My hunch is if this person is so nervy as to lecture you on how you should be a SAHM, she'd probably be the type to judge/gossip about you for not conceiving your child in a "proper manner," too.

everam01

skibunny59:

jeffsjayme:

I get where she's coming from.  SAHM is a wonderful option and many moms are very passionate about it.  I think the tactic here is education.  One or two sentences about fertility treatments and the financial need to get there might help her realize what your situation is.  She's likely living in a bubble and hasn't had to think about it before.

SAHM is a wonderful thing but it's just not a reality for many women.   

Or desirable for many women.  

1026pumpkin

Wow- I'm really sorry you have to deal with someone like this.  It would be my gut reaction to tell her where she can stick her Dr. Laura books, but since this is someone you'll probably have to continue seeing on a regular basis, I'd try to at least be civil, but I would be firm since she seems to have no sense of boundaries or what is or isn't her business.

I would return any book, pamphlets, etc to her and tell her that you and your husband have done a lot of research and have made the child rearing decisions that are best for your family.  As she isn't aware of all the factors that have contributed to your decisions, you and DH are asking her to please stop sharing her opinions and that you will not be able to discuss it any longer.  If she persists, I'd talk with someone at the church, and maybe as PP suggested, judgement could be a topic for an upcoming sermon. 

rakle99

PS My sil really didn't have a response when I showed her that Proverbs 31 is mostly about working outside the home for her family.

MagPie 1986

lovebug33:

I really don't want to explain to her because, while I'm open about how I conceived, I don't like to talk about how much it cost IRL. It isn't anybody's business and I really do not want to justify why I am working. I'm working, whether I want to or not (to be honest, I want to be a SAHM, but that isn't an option). Thanks for all the advice and I think I will take the tell her to mind her own business nicely approach!

I think that's good option.  Don't give her an explanation b/c that implies that her opinion has merit.  Don't talk about finances b/c that makes it look like you're making excuses to justify your decision and then you'll get debt counseling from her LOL.  Just a simple, "Here's the book you gave me; I don't need it.  I work b/c its best for my family and am not entertaining any other parenting options right now."

I would also do this in front of others b/c that's my personality...but that's just me

MagPie 1986

One more thing, I just realized it might actually be best to do this in front of others so they could witness that you were civil about it.  If it was one on one behind closed doors, she seems like the type of person that would make something up to tell others how rude you were and start drama.  It might be nice to have a 3rd party there who will reiterate that you weren't the rude one.  GL!

bunny731

I would return the books and say you will not be needing them. If she presses you for information...tell her you are not interested in discussing this with her.

 Pure, simple, direct...

 

chels0120

You in no way should feel like you need to justify yourself to her. This makes my blood boil. I would just send the book back with a little note that says something to the effect of, while I appreciate the gesture, you are out of line and how we choose to raise our family is no one's business but ours.

KL777

How rude.  She was being very judgmental.  When I was a SAHM I attempted to read one of Dr. Laura's book and was so turned off by it---that book was very jugemental of moms who work outside the home---and at the time I was a SAHM and did not pick up a good feeling from that book.

OPs had some good suggestions.  I would simply return the book and tell her that her letter and book giving was offensive.