Intro - long, sorry

Sweet&Salty11

Hi All,

I've been lurking for nearly two months now and finally got the courage to write a post. I'm new to online boards so please bear with me if I make some mistakes. First, I want to thank all of the active contributors to this board for helping me through the hardest experience I have ever gone through...the loss of my son. Through your posts, you ladies have provided me with hope that things will get better, reassurance when I think I'm getting on the crazy train and support when I feel most alone. So thank you.

Second, I would like to share my story with you. My apologies if it's long; I'm a bit of a rambler.

My son, Kai Axel, was born on August 25, 2012 after the most perfect delivery I could have asked for. With no epidural, no doctor and my husband at bedside to assist, we had the hands-on delivery we had dreamed about. I was able to hold our beautiful little boy within seconds of him being born. It was perfect.

Unfortunately, we already knew that we wouldn't hear Kai cry or see him move. Less than 24 hours prior, we found out that his little heart had stopped beating. I had gone in for my regular appointment at 37 weeks and the NP was unable to find his heartbeat with not one, but two dopplers. At that point, we knew. But the NP said to try not to worry and that we'd have to get an ultrasound. In a couple minutes, we saw via ultrasound that Kai?s heart had no activity. Then a doctor (not my OB as he was out delivering another baby) came in and told us to decide whether we wanted to deliver him vaginally or by c-section. She never once sat down. She stood above us with her arms crossed. I felt like I was in trouble, like I had done something wrong. We made the decision to try to deliver Kai as we had planned - vaginally and hopefully without an epidural. I had one with my daughter and it was not a good experience.

Walking up to the same labor & delivery floor we'd been at just one year ago with the birth of our daughter was difficult. I wore sunglasses until we were inside our room because I knew seeing another pregnant woman or newborn was going to set me off. I received a dose of misoprostol to help induce labor. I was having contractions, but they didn't really hurt. Unfortunately, I wasn't at all dilated, so we had a ways to go.

So then we waited. The hours seemed to pass by both too slow and too fast. My husband and I had plenty of time to question why a perfectly healthy pregnancy could end like this. Kai always had a strong heartbeat at our appointments. Our ultrasounds and lab tests were always normal?With each cervical check, I would initially feel excitement at progression of my labor, then sadness as I remembered what was going to happen. Sleep provided the same repeated torture. I would wake up in a haze, see the familiar delivery room and get a rush of adrenaline since I was about to deliver. Then, reality and remembrance of what was to come. My husband was by my side the entire time and provided as much support as he could. He was truly amazing.

Around 5am, I woke to my water breaking. Then the contractions really started kicking in. At 7am, I asked to take a shower. Since I was only 6cm, the nurse began prepping the shower for me. At around 7:25, I got up to go to the shower and decided to use the restroom first. The second my bottom hit the toilet seat, I felt intense pressure. I yelled this to my nurse and she ordered me back into bed. I could hardly walk as it felt like my son was already hanging between my legs. My husband carried me back to bed and my nurse checked me. I was fully dilated. I had to raise my bottom off the bed because it felt like Kai was just going to come shooting out. My nurse then said the craziest thing, ?Don?t push!? WHAT? Another nurse appeared out of nowhere, grabbed my hand and told me to breathe with her. Thank goodness for that nurse. I focused on her and breathing while my husband was trying to help our nurse get everything setup for delivery. Then I heard the magical words, ?Push with the next contraction.? I remember yelling, ?I CAN PUSH?!? One push and I felt immediate relief. Kai?s head was out. Another push or two and I felt the rest of his body slide out. It was 7:37am. My husband told me later that his hand was on Kai?s head when it came out and that he was able to guide out his body with the next push. I am so thankful he was able to do that.

Perfect, beautiful Kai was placed on my chest. He looked so much like his sister with his bright red, pouty lips and long, long fingers and toes. Although we were not able to bring Kai home, he did give us this amazing delivery experience, something that will bond me and my husband forever. On top of that, I am a proud mother of two.

I have many things to be thankful for, this I know. However, I am still sad, angry and, at times, overwhelmed. I hope to work through these emotions by joining you ladies, providing support where I can and venting when necessary. Thank you for reading my story.

tuscanbride2007

Your story was beautiful and yet I know so well, bittersweet. My second daughter was born still at 37 weeks, 3 days. I went into labor and found out at the hospital that her heart had stopped beating.

I am so sorry to welcome you to this board, but know that you have found a great group of very supportive women. Please feel free to come hear and share all of your emotions, we all understand them so well because we have all felt them at one time or another.

((HUGS))

starburst0928

I'm also glad you decided to finally post. We found out our son had no HB the morning we went to be induced at 41 weeks. 

This board has been really helpful to me, and I hope it'll continue to help you too. There are several full term loss moms here that experienced something similar to you - a healthy, normal pregnancy ending in heartbreak. Use us to vent, share happy memories or just find out if what you are feeling is normal.  

jbranden12

I am so very sorry for the loss of your Kai Axel. Thank you so much for sharing your story with us and also for letting us know how you have been helped by us already.  I am so sad to welcome you to this group, but as you know, it is full of amazing women who understand the journey you are on. Post as often or as little as you like, we are here when you need us. ((BIG HUGS))

Williamandshawnna

I am so sorry for the loss of your son Kai Axel. You have found an amazing group of women that will support you in many ways on your journey. I know they have helped me more than I can ever put into words.

Thank you for sharing your story. I wish you peace and comfort.

~HUGS~

-Shawnna

karebear57

Thank you for sharing your story with us. I am so sorry about the loss of your son Kai. ((hugs)) You have found a group of wonderful and caring women. We are here whenever you need us.

Bayberry12

I am so sorry for the loss of your son and sad to welcome you here.  

Thank you for sharing your story.  So much of what you went through I remember going through the same things.  Wearing my sunglasses to hid my tears till I got to the hospital room. Enduring a long induction, and feelings of accomplishment when I would make a little progress and then remembering what was going to happen.  I still don't know how I found a way to get through delivery knowing how it was going to end.

Please know that we are all here for you.  Again, I am so sorry. 

OSUWifey09

I lost my son two months ago today [although I had a complete abruption at 34w4d that caused me to lose him], and I remember all those feelings too. I'm so glad you decided to post and have found this group; they have been such a great support group for me as I've gone through my loss, and I hope we're the same for you as well. I'm so sorry to welcome you here but glad you found us. *hugs*

buggirl72

Thank you for sharing Kai's birth story and I am so sorry for your loss. 

GavinRonansMom

I am so sorry to welcome you, and am I am glad you shared the story or beautiful son Kai. I am so sorry for your loss, but the ladies here are so amazing and helpful.

kikibelle

Thank you for introducing yourself and sharing your story. My son Julian was stillborn on July 22nd. Like you, I was fortunate to have a beautiful delivery, but never got to hear my baby cry or see him move. 

Sweet&Salty11

Thanks for all the kind words and support. I feel a little lighter now that I posted my story. Thank you also for sharing about your babies. I've read many of the intro's on this board, so I feel like I already "know" some of you. The funny thing is, it seems like I know you as (insert your baby's name)'s mom, not necessarily your username. Just thought I'd let you know that. Hearing that I'm Kai's mom makes me smile.

meli1025

I am so sorry for the loss of your son, Kai.  Thank you for sharing your story. ((Hugs))

cmenasco

Such a sweet beautiful story, thank you for sharing.  I had a C-section with my DS so never got to have a vaginal birth with him and experience the beauty of it.  With my DD when we lost her, I did deliver vaginally.  It was so different and the emotions were so much stronger for me.  I'm glad you got your amazing delivery experience and so sorry it was not the outcome that we all wished.  Big hugs mama, you are a beautiful strong woman!