Sigh. [a vent, pg mentioned]

OSUWifey09

I just have to get this off my chest. Maybe I'm not alone.

My best friend is due in December with her first , and she named me godmother. Her baby shower is in a couple of weeks, and I told her today that I love her but just can't be there. I can't ruin her happy day with my sadness. Just thinking about going to her baby shower put me in tears. She understands, but I just feel awful.

Then yesterday, I was eating Olive Garden with my mom, sister and DS, and a dad started pacing around our area with his fussy newborn son. I had to excuse myself and have a good cry in the bathroom. Took 10 minutes for me to pull myself together and find the willpower to go back out; luckily, the dad had sat back down by the time I got back.

I start to feel like life will be "OK" again, that I can sorta kinda exist in a world without Devon, then random things set me off. I'm not sure if it will always be this way, but right now, I just feel like I'm taking all these steps backwards again.

[edited because the random mistakes I made while typing this out on my phone was driving me crazy!] 

starburst0928

You're not alone. Somehow I'm able to pick out all the pregnant women and small babies everywhere I go and it's really hard. I get very jealous of all the pregnant women, and I just want to scream that I'm a mom too when I see moms with babies in strollers. 

As far as tha baby shower goes, I can't relate there, but I don't blame you for not being able to go.  Not going doesn't mean your not happy for her, it just will be hard for you to openly celebrate a birth when you're still actively grieving your son. 

GavinRonansMom

I'm so sorry and I totally understand. My sister is also due in December and her baby shower was a week after our loss...I couldn't go either. I often feel as though i take one step forward and ten steps back....good luck mama

fluttergirlmoonchild79

You're definitely not alone.  I too have not gone to baby showers and have lost it in restaurants.  Went to a family wedding a few months ago.  Loved that our table was like in an attached room off the main room and not in the middle of everything - that was until a dad started walking around with their probably 2-3 month old to get her to stop screaming.  Thankfully DH knows that's a major trigger for me so he simply said, let's go take a walk outside (it was 100 that day and I didn't even care).  I hate that we can't seem to do the simplest of things without being triggered.  A friend and fellow loss mommy taught me a great trick for eating out - if the restaurant has a bar area - ask if you can be seated there.  No babies!  You'll definitely go through feeling like you're moving forward and then moving backwards.  I'm almost a year out and I still take steps backwards.  Grief is like trying to climb out of a hole.  Every time you think you get close to the top, you slide right back down to the bottom again and have to climb back up yet again.  

Peace and love!

Scrantonluv

My therapist would tell you, as she told me, that its fine to dip out of activities that you just can't handle right now. Would anyone expect you to go to a big Father's Day Bbq if you had just lost your dad? No. Don't feel guilty about that for now. Be sad that your tragedy prevents you from attending the events you would've liked to have been there for, but know that's its ok to make a den and hide out in it for now.

I'm so overprotective of being around pregnant people and new parents that I completely avoid the staff room at lunch for fear of just seeing their faces, regardless of the conversation in the room. I just figured they should have their space to talk about new parenting without me, an elephant in the room. I would freak out if I heard even one complain about being up all night with a crying baby. I'd say something like, "wow. That must be so hard. Oh wait, try giving birth to a dead baby, having no one to hold, no screams to hear." Yeah, my thoughts are pretty cold, acknowledged, so I choose to remove myself from the situation. I just don't want to think those things at all.

I thought that once I was back in the club again with a new pregnancy that I wouldn't mind being around them Again, but that's still not the case. I accept it and try to remember the pain won't cut this deeply forever.

I completely relate to the restaurant story. I ran out of my husbands special celebration dinner because a woman brought in a newborn in the exact same carrier we had. He was totally okay with us choosing a cheap Irish pub down the street instead. We saw a lot more drinking and a lot fewer babies there, so it was a better choice.

Take care of yourself and your emotions. Only do what feels comfortable right now.

dandywarhol

I'm sorry you've been having a rough few days. It seems cruel the way you'll start to feel better and then get smacked back down with other people's baby related stuff. I am almost 1 year out from my 2nd loss and 3 months from my 3rd and I still have a difficult time being around babies, hearing about babies and sometimes even being around families. I once got emotional after seeing a family with two teens having a nice time because I thought, "that will never happen for us." 

All these things take time and I do think that your life will be ok again. Please don't feel that you're taking steps backwards but more that you're working your way through the maze of feelings and emotions.  {{hugs}} 

karebear57

{{big hugs}} I am so sorry your feeling like this. Those moments do catch you of guard but they happen less and less as time goes on. I remember a few months after we lost Bri my dh and I went to CPK and like 10 mins later a woman came in to meet friends with her months old dd and as soon as she sat down she ignored her baby and just gripped about her, laughing and everything. I had to get to the bathroom right away or else I woulda burst into tears and ripped her head off. I don't get many moments like that anymore, but they do still make a surprise appearance. I'm sorry. I'm sure your best friend understands how your feeling.

jbranden12

Scrantonluv:

I thought that once I was back in the club again with a new pregnancy that I wouldn't mind being around them Again, but that's still not the case.

I agree with this. I still can't handle seeing newborns, because I'm still not sure this one's coming home. I have a hard time seeing pregnant women as well. I also say pretty cold things to people in my head, but have yet to be pushed enough to say them out loud.

meli1025

((Hugs)). You are not alone,  each day is an emotional roller coaster.  I was due at the same exact time as one if my best friends.  We even had our anatomy scans scheduled for the same date even though we live in different towns.  It was a coincidence really but we were just lock step with the whole pregnancy.  Same symptoms, same cravings, everything.  I know I will never make it to her shower and I hope she understands, but I doubt she wants someone sobbing in the corner on her special day.  

This morning I found one of my maternity sweaters hanging up that I forgot to put away and I completely lost it.  I also can't  go on FB anymore because I hate hearing stupid people complain about their rough day managing a toddler and an infant.  I want to scream and say "at least you have your infant!!!"  I hate seeing pictures of baby girls, or baby girl clothes.  I even have trouble seeing my own nieces.  I want my little baby girl so badly.  

Bayberry12

I was just having a conversation about these same feelings with my DH.  I had to explain to him that there will most likely always be things that trigger me.  I am always going to have bad days or there will be something that makes my cry.  It really scary to think that it will be like this FOREVER, I don't know that it will ever go away.  

Being out in a restaurant shortly after my loss was sooo hard, there always seems to be babies around.  But, after a while it's easier to ignore them.   

meli1025:

I want to scream and say "at least you have your infant!!!"  I hate seeing pictures of baby girls, or baby girl clothes.  I even have trouble seeing my own nieces.  I want my little baby girl so badly.  

Meli - I feel the same way, I haven't seen my nieces since my loss, and I know it is putting a lot of stress on our family, it's just so hard to see happy little girls when my baby girl is gone.  

OSUWifey09

THANK YOU for making me feel so much better. I feel like an awful person because I'm skipping out on things, but I just...I can't do it right now. I also notice that I tend to spot all the babies and pregnant women wherever I go now, which sucks.

Scrantonluv

Hang in there sweetie and know that your feelings are normal and okay, even if they feel plain awful. Hugs!

alyson523

I'm so sorry...I had a somewhat similar experience over the summer myself.  Long story short, my brother's wife asked me to help her put together a baby shower for her sister.  Initially, she'd asked me prior to Callan's loss, but really started to nag me just a few weeks after we lost him.  I was not overly excited to help her because her sister is a "recovering" heroin addict.  I, understandably, had a lot of anger that I had done everything right and still lost my baby, but there were people out there that had no respect for the amazing gift that pregnancy is.  My brother was apparently frustrated that I couldn't just "get over it" and help out because his wife was overwhelmed.  I decided to just put my feelings aside and do what I could.  However, about a month before, I realized (with the help of my therapist) that it didn't matter how anyone else felt or what anyone else thought I should do.  I was the one that had to live with my feelings.  I hurt all the time, I think about Callan every single day - why would I put myself in a situation where I knew it would hurt just because I didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings.  It's ok for me to be selfish.  It's been 6 months and it has definitely gotten easier, but I still have good days and bad days - sometimes my bad days come out of nowhere and are set off by nothing.  I don't care anymore if people don't understand it.  There is nothing in my life that has been as painful as the loss of my son and I have every right to feel every single emotion that comes my way without justifying or explaining it. 

I don't have the right words, but I do know that it does get easier...not better, but easier.  I will tell you the same thing that I'm told - be patient with yourself...you can't rush through everything in order to get back to "normal"...be kind to yourself, it just happened, you are allowed to have ok days and not so ok days...

xoxo