Single Parents

Rockin' the single mom jeans...

Hi all. My husband left me and my 4mo old daughter a week ago. He left me for a coworker of his, who was fully aware that he had a wife and new baby. They had been having a relationship behind my back and I only found out about it because he installed skype on our computer and left his account open, ooops! So he lied to me about pretty much everything telling me they were only friends and that he wanted me to meet her. It is sickening that he wanted me to meet her because I came to find out that he kissed her and was telling her that he loved her. We started marriage counseling to see if we could get passed this but all along I could just tell he was not "in it." He told me he had cut all ties with this woman but really he had not, he was still speaking to her at work. He left the home that we own together last Wednesday and has been staying with a friend (not the other woman). However, I have caught her there a few times when he said he was going to be at the gym etc. I am trying to keep my head up and be strong for me and my daughter but it is really tough. I sit at home at night getting sad and lonely and want to call him but I know he cannot be that person for me anymore. It will take time for that feeling to subside but nevertheless still hard. He has been helping a little bit by coming to the house to see the baby and he did help over night the other night but was texting his homewrecker girlfriend the entire time. I told him we need ground rules and out of respect he cannot be talking to her while he is helping with our daughter. He lied to this woman yesterday when he helped me go grocery shopping (she wigged out on him when he helped me over night), so he starting his relationship with her with a bunch of lies so I'm sure it will last! I'm having a hard time with the situation because he has already moved on to someone new and is not owning up to the responsibilities here at our house. He left me with two dogs, two cats, the baby and the house. We are working on rehoming one of the dogs and the cats but he gets to leave and go to his buddies apartment and hang out with his homewrecker so he doesn't have to confront the issues of what is going on with me. I'm very frustrated with it all. Anyway, I have filed for child support but need to work on a custody agreement. I told him he would have to file for divorce because I have too much to handle already but he usually doesn't do things unless someone else is doing most of the work so who knows how long this could take!

Does anyone have advice/experience on a custody agreement on a baby so young? He has a rotating schedule at work so doing a schedule for visits/time with him is a little more complicated and I don't want his homewrecker girlfriend around my baby EVER. Any advice you can give would be appreciated.

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Re: Rockin' the single mom jeans...

  • Hi, I am very sorry you are gonig through this especially with a new baby.  I do not know from experience but from the other ladies on this board, with a child as young as you have your ex will most likely not recieve overnight visitation.  he may have a few hours during the day but it is best for the child to be with mom most of the time.  If you are breastfeeding that also helps your cause. 

    As far as keeping his gf away from your child, unless she poses a danger (drugs alcohol violence) that may not be put in a CO.  And be prepared that if you can get it in that your ex can do the same to you when you date somneone new.  Dont do anything out of anger or hurt feelings. 

    best of luck to you

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  • I occasionally read the single parenting boards because I still think I will end up a single mom. As a paralegal (NOT an attorney) I suggest YOU be the one to file for divorce. You have more control over the entire process as the petitioner. Your state may have certain guidelines for parenting classes, counseling, even a time period for separation before the divorce can be filed. You need to speak to an attorney ASAP about your rights. Depending on the length of the marriage, you may qualify for spousal support and child support. 

    Don't blame the other woman, blame your husband. He could make his own choices, and he has made them. Now he has to deal with those consequences.

    Please just remember: You two will interact for the rest of your lives because of the beautiful daughter you two share. When things get rough, remind yourself that you need to do what is best for her.

    Good luck! 

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  • I know I shouldn't completely blame the other woman and do I blame him 100%, that didn't come across in my initial post. I think I am mostly upset because he has only been out of the house a week and is telling this woman that he loves her.

    I have retained a lawyer and he advised that we wait to see if he files. The only thing we really have jointly is our home. There is no savings to split or cars, we had our own before we got married.

    We have been trying to be civil and even friends (to a degree). I just hope we can keep things civil bc I hear about how messy divorce can be.

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  • Like PP said I would be the first to file. You have more "control" then. I filed when I got my divorce. I have sole custody and he has supervised visitation when I want him to see him.  so I am really no help with the custody stuff.
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  • I'm sorry you are going through this. (((hugs)))

    You are probably better off without a liar and cheater as a husband.  It will get easier over time.  For now make sure your life and your baby's life is in order - finances, childcare, residence, pets, etc.

    Unfortunately there is nothing you can do about any of his current or future girlfriends being around your baby.  You can only control who you bring around her when she is with you.  You are her mom and no one can replace you.  In the long-run it's important to have a good working communication with your ex as it's usually better for the child.  You don't have to be best friends, but you have to keep the bitterness out of the communications regarding the baby (this takes lots of time and practice but it is possible).  If it were me I would probably nicely mention that I prefer that the new girlfriend is not alone with the baby during this visits with her since she is still so young.

    With my ex-husband it was hard at first because the bitterness and anger was so fresh right after we split up.  But once I realized that I accomplished a lot more when I was NICE to him and made an effort to communicate, things got a lot better!  The result was he was nice back and is willing to work with me when any issues arise.

    It's good to hear that you and him are being civil.  That helps! 

  • Oh, I'm so very sorry for what happened. From my experience, I was nursing and there was no way he could take the baby overnight. He was awarded visitation every other week and for only a few hours at a time, since I had to take the baby to nurse.
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