Looking for more support...long, sorry...

alyson523

I have not been on this board much since I lost baby Callan, but recently have just been looking for more and more support.  These past few weeks for me have been especially hard and I feel like I have no place to turn to anymore.  My hubby has been amazing, but he's grieving also, and I hate to put more of my grief on top of him.  He's done such an amazing job of being there for me and letting me work through all my emotions and such and has never once asked for anything in return.

I lost by baby boy on April 12, 2012...I was just over 13 weeks pregnant.  Possibly further along based on the dates of my last period, but at my first u/s, they changed the date due to the fact that the baby measured smaller than expected.  I had a lot of bleeding during the first few weeks, in fact that's why I went to the dr to begin with...didn't realize I was pregnant...My OB suggested that we wait until 12 weeks to tell the majority of people since we'd had some bleeding.  My blood work showed that my progesterone was low, but my HCG levels were increasing appropriately.  I was told that anything lower than 5 for a progesterone level was concerning and with pregnancy, they like to see it about 24...mine was 9.  However, because everything else looked so good, we decided to sort of sit on it and see how thing were going.  Fortunately, things started to look up as we neared the end of our 1st trimester and we told my in laws and close family at the 10 week mark.  We bought our daughter a "big sister" t shirt and let her go at the in laws - their reaction was priceless.

On April 11, I met a friend at the movies for Titanic 3D...she told me that night that she was pregnant and I was so happy to have someone to go through everything with as it turned out we were only 2 weeks apart.  The next morning I woke up and went about my normal routine.  The only thing that stuck out to me as strange was that the dog followed me everywhere...he tends to hang out in bad for an hour or two after everyone gets up, but he was at my side the whole morning...I thought maybe he needed to go out, so while making breakfast for Charlotte, I ran him outside.  When I came back in, I heard a loud popping noise and felt something warm on my leg.  I never connected the 2 things.  I just kept looking around wondering what had made that noise and at the same time, kept thinking to myself - I can't believe I just peed all over myself!!!  After a few seconds, it sort of all sunk in...I went to the bathroom and noticed some blood so I called the OB's office.  The woman on the phone said my dr was at the hospital all day, but I should come in right away to be checked...

I left my house about 20 minutes later and on the way to the office made a mental note that I was having cramping about every 2 minutes.  By the time I got to the office, I was terrified.  I stopped in the bathroom because I was afraid I was bleeding everywhere.  The minute I sat down, I had the worst cramping sensation and then it was over...I had delivered my little boy in the bathroom of my OB's office.  Charlotte was in her stroller laughing and giggling, and I just sat there...I had no idea what to do...I finally called up to the office and before I knew it, I had about 4 people in there, taking care of Charlotte, taking care of me, calling my husband, calling an ambulance...The NP made sure that I got to see him and hold him - she wanted to make sure that I acknowledged him, even if I didn't really realize what was happening.  I never delivered the placenta, so I was having a lot of bleeding and ended up being taken to the hospital (which is another horrific story for another day).

I had a D&C later that night and was sent home, exhausted, overwhelmed, empty...I cried for days...We were never given any options at the hospital as to what we'd like done with his body, so I had to call my dad (who works for a local funeral home) and they took care of everything.  We buried him on April 18, 2012 with my great grandmother.  My husband and my father built his casket out of beautiful walnut and my mom knit him a beautiful sweater to keep him warm.  Charlotte picked flowers for her baby brother and made sure to put them in the vault with him before they buried him.

My due date was this past Friday.  I struggle daily with his loss and while I do feel more peaceful about things, I feel as though people are getting irritated with me...Like I should "be over" everything by now.  I have good days and bad days - Unfortunately, I have lots of friends that have had babies, or will be having babies right around the time Callan was due.  One friend in particular has been really difficult for me to see and I feel like the worst friend ever.  She lost a little boy last year and I know that she understands, but I also feel like she gets frustrated with me for not being more present in her life...I have yet to meet her baby boy (who was due the week before me)...

I guess I just feel selfish for not being able to support my husband more...I don't know what he needs from me.  He has been so supportive of me and holds everything in so that he doesn't cause me more suffering, but it's not fair to him.  We have been seeing a therapist for the past few months and it's helped a lot, and she does a really good job of trying to make him comfortable asking for support from me, but he hasn't...Every now and then I will catch a glimpse of his pain...

I'm sorry for the babbling and for the novel...

Thanks for "listening"

dandywarhol

Thank you for sharing your story. I'm so sorry for the loss of little Callan. Due dates are a difficult milestones and there is no timetable for grief. Self-preservation is a very necessary coping mechanism, if you can't be around your pregnant friends it is understandable. If you friend who has experienced a loss is not understanding of you well then that is her issue not yours. You experienced the loss of your little boy. That isn't something that you get over in a day, a week, a month, or even a year. Yes, things become a bit duller but you are still sad and still pained. If people are irritated with you then, again, that is their issue and frankly do you really want/need people in your life who aren't supportive or sympathetic to you? 

I'm glad you and your husband are seeing a therapist. Her job is to help you both communicate more effectively and listen to the other. Relationships are about give and take - sometimes you take more than you give. And that's ok as long a you are also willing to give at some point. The most important thing you can do for your husband is talk with him and let him know that you are there for him and willing to listen to him, cry with him, or whatever he needs from you. Communication is key. Even if it is to tell him that you want to be able to support him but feel....whatever you're feeling.

I hope you have a peaceful day.  {{hugs}} 

meli1025

I am so sorry for the loss of your baby boy, Callan.  I am still fresh in my loss and am already dreading the due date in February.  I also had ds wear a big brother shirt at his second birthday party and that was how we announced our pregnancy to family.  Every picture of him at his birthday party he is wearing that shirt.  I know how hard this is and the ladies on this board are really great and supportive.  We can all work through this together.  ((Hugs)).

buggirl72

I am so sorry for your loss of Callan. This board has been very supportive and I hope you find some comfort here.

I read something this morning that suggested starting a routine every morning where you either write in a journal or talk out loud to your lost child, expressing whatever you are feeling at that moment. The big thing was not to hold your grief in. I have not tried this yet but I know when I do let myself grieve I get through the rest of the day much easier. 

Mrs Nice

I am so sorry for your loss of your baby boy Callen. Welcome to the board. I hope you can find some comfort here.