Well, let's start over... I will introduce myself.

Gabgaps

Well, I think I should start over?

Hello, my name is Gabriela.  I am 28 years old and I am from Mexico City. I am a speech therapist who also specializes in learning and developmental disabilities. While in Mexico I had my own private practice and I was National Director of Health Promotion for Special Olympics. Because Special Olympics International is based in the USA, I had to come here for training. I was in the Winter Games in Boise, Idaho when a man walk into a room and my life changed. We fell in love right there. Getting together was a real challenge, I had to drop everything. I said goodbye to my job, my friends, my language and my life as I knew it. And I have never regretted it for a second. But we travel a lot. I?m never home and I?m not working right now (I was planning to stay at home with Liam) so I haven?t been able to make lots of friends like I have back in Mex. I love living in KY but it is quite different (culturally mainly).

Then I got pregnant. On my first try. So meant to be. I had a perfect pregnancy. I didn?t even threw up once. I took care of myself like I never had before. I felt great the whole pregnancy.

I was in my last ultrasound, everything looked great and then right before our eyes and without any warning the heart beat started slowing down, down, down. I didn?t understand what was going on, everyone started screaming, they moved me into a thousand different positions, my doctor got hysterical... And then I looked at my husband?s face, he is a doctor, and I knew. Within 10 minutes I was in an OR. They put me to sleep but I remember screaming when they started. I?ve never told anyone, not even my husband that I remember when they started cutting me. Then I woke up and the first thing I saw was Liam. He was so tiny. Then I saw my blood everywhere. I was in total shock. I just remember images. They let me touch him for a minute (just touch him, not hold him) and they took him to a different hospital with a better NICU. They wouldn?t let me leave the hospital for at least one night. They told me that same day that it had been too late. They were able to bring him back but he didn?t have any brain activity at all. There was nothing they could do. They were just giving him morphine to make sure he didn?t feel anything.  As soon as I could I got out of the hospital and went to see him. He was on a ventilator, all full of cables and stuff. My husband and I decided we didn?t want him to suffer anymore. He died in our arms while I thanked him for making me a better person. My case has puzzled every doctor. They all say they never seen anything like it. Even when there?s a cloth you have 20 minutes to get the baby out, he was out in 10. They didn?t find anything wrong  with him, the placenta, or me, no cloth. I have been tested for EVERYTHING and so was he. If I hear ?you are in perfect health!? one more time, I will smack someone.  Me perfectly healthy body feels more like a crime scene. The only thing we know is that he was deprived of oxygen somehow. My OBGyn was very upset about this (she has cried every time we talk about it) and desperately tried to find an answer. Even with some VIP doctor who specializes in weird cases  the best we got is ?Well, this is very strange. I don?t know what happened?.  I have come to terms with the fact I will never know what it was but that doesn?t change the fact that that leaves the possibility it was something I did.  I don?t remember the next three months after that.

I have been doing much better. I decided that my son was not going to be the worst thing in my life, he will be the best. I owe him to be happy and have a wonderful life. He helped me enjoy life in a way I never thought possible. I been having fun, reminding myself how beautiful the world is and thanking him every day for showing me that. I also thank my husband for always being there for me.

He was born on April 4^th and died on April 6^th.  After a couple of months doing great. The 6 month anniversary landed on me like a ton of bricks. It was like being there all over again. I still haven?t taken the nursery down. It was 100% ready. I still don?t know what to do about it. I want to get pregnant again but I?m terrified. I?m  lost. I still haven?t talked to anyone ( but parents and in-laws) My friends and family are not here and I don?t want to use the phone. Also, Latin people have no filter (u all got a little taste with me), there will be lots of questions and comments and I?m not ready.

Well, that?s my story. I?ve never told it before. Thank you all (or should I say y?all, I live in KY after all) for welcoming me here. And I?m sorry for all the drama yesterday. I know we all have enough drama as it is.  

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LoveOfMikesLife

I am so sorry for the loss of Laim. It sucks that we know this pain. I think that your take on this whole thing is truely amazing! Milestones are the hardest, well holidays too. It doesn't get any easier, you just learn to manage them differnt. 

The whole "you're in perfect health" crap is so annoying! I hate hearing that too. I know you said you weren't ready for questions from your friends and family back home, but may I ask a few? If you still aren't ready I understand. 

weddedwife

I'm so sorry for the loss of your son. That sounds like a very traumatic experience. I lost my son last year just shy of 23 weeks; he died during the delivery. Although our experiences differ on this board I think a lot of the emotions are the same.

I too have chosen that my son will not be the worst thing in my life. I cannot love him and regret him at the same time. He has made me a better person and his life had meaning. Of course I wish he were here with us, but he's not- and I can't change that.

There are lots of people in my life I still haven't talked to; I can honestly say our loss has changed every single relationship in our lives. Some people have just completely disappeared, about which I am still very bitter.

Have you considered seeking out a baby loss support group in your area? I know it helped me a great deal to speak with other moms in person who had been through something similar. Mine only meets once a month but it's so nice to be in an atmosphere where everyone "gets it".

Sending you big hugs; I hope you are able to find some support on this board as I have. 

LoveOfMikesLife

I got pregnant 9 weeks before my wedding. I too had the perfect pregnancy. I was happy and healthy and had my daughters whole life ahead of me.

 I went to my "last" dr apt at 39w4d. The was no heart beat. My husband and I were devastated. We went to the hospital and delivered that day. We got to the hospital at 11:00am. Pitocin was started at 12:05. I was told that my contractions picked up and were working but I didn't feel them. At 4:00 ish I was given an epideral and some other drugs (not sure what, anti psychotic maybe) and they broke my water. At 7:17 my sweet Addison Jayne was born on June 7, 2011. At the time they could only guess that my daughter died from what is called short cord syndrome. She had died the day before. I was feeling "movement" but it was really contractions. Basically every time I had a contraction and it pushed her down it put too much stress on the cord until it stopped working. (Think elastic, if you pull it too far it stops bouncing back) it is very rare, unable to diagnose, and not much known about it.  

I have since had my rainbow baby. That's him in the picture. And he confirmed the diagnosis of short cord syndrome. He had it too and I am " lucky he didn't die from it too" I've had 3 dr tell me that. Because I've had it happen twice the drs are fairly certain that it will happen in every pregnancy and that means that even with careful monitoring that I have a 75% of having another stillborn and with each pregnancy the risk gets higher.

So that's my story. If you have any questions please feel free to ask. I love talking about my Addy even if the end isn't a happy one. 

Gabgaps

I am ready for questions. As many as you like. I'm just not ready for those questions when I know they will be followed by something like "You are young, you will have more kids and your life will be normal again" kind of crap. It is different when I know someone gets it and I won't get any pity look or hallmark comment.

About the group. I searched and there are two here. Both are run by priests and are in a church. A priest telling me it was God's will or to seek comfort in God won't work for me. I'm  not religious. So the group is not a good choice. I would do it in a different setting but I don't have that choice here. But to get in touch with other mamas online.

Weddedwife, I remember reading your post about the 6 month anniversay. It brought me a lot of comfort. I also remember your son's name was Nathaniel because I thought it was a beautiful name. I'm sorry he is not with you.

And I'm sorry Addison is not with you either. No one should have to go though this

LoveOfMikesLife

I'm not religious either. I was raised catholic but I started to question religion a few years before and completely lost all faith when Addy was taken from me. 

How far along were you? Was it an umbilical cord accident? And how has it affected your relationship with your DH?  

Edit: and I left Addison's nursery up and the exact way it was the day we went to the hospital until her 1st birthday. I felt for us it worked to be surrounded by her on her birthday. So we put her stuff away and set it up for her brother.  

Gabgaps

LOML. I'm sorry you had to go though all that. I am grateful they just gave me general anesthesia so I just have a short memory of my c-section. It sucks to be that "rare" case. To suddenly be told your body works in a special way. Every time I hear "You are high risk now" I fell cheated. Can I send this body back and get a new one that is not high risk? I am glad you have your rainbow. I am getting ready to go there again and it gives me hope.

I would also love to meet your babies if you have pictures and are comfortable with it.

LoveOfMikesLife

I still am not comfortable sharing pictures of my daughter. She was a little discolored. Sorry. And my son is in my siggy. I can't post any new pictures today. But I will try tomorrow or monday

Gabgaps

I was raised catholic too and I lived in one of the most catholic countries in the world. But I starting questioning things since I was a teenager. It's been a few years since I decided church was not for me. And losing Liam didn't chance that one way or the other. I was almost 37 weeks when it happened. We don't know what it was, cord accident is a theory but there wasn't any cloth or obstruction. No wrapping around the neck, the cord wasn't twisted in any way. They even think he might have squeezed it with his hand. No one knows. We do know he didn't get oxygen so the blood flow had to be stopped somehow. The strange thing is that it happened in a room full of doctors and no one knows what it was. It was devastating whatever it was, they explained me in a cord accident you have 20 minutes to act, but it is impossible to know when it happens. We were looking at him and he was normal and had a normal heart beat, everything was ok and then it just started going down suddenly. He was out in 10 minutes, my doctor didn't even waited for the ambulance, she got me in her car and ran to the hospital. It was too late anyway. Everyone did the best they could. They really tried but there was nothing they could do. Even the nurses were crying. Everyone was upset because they acted fast and did exactly what they should have. But sometimes is not enough.

The relationship with my husband is stronger than ever. He has been supportive and understanding. I think he focused his pain that way. It makes him feel better to focus on me feeling better. This brought us together. We had a strong relationship but now is stronger than ever. Even that I have my son to thank for. 

Gabgaps

I understand about the pictures. I'm sure she is beautiful.

jbranden12

Gabriela, I am so sorry for the loss of your Liam. My Patricia passed away at 31 weeks and though we consented to an autopsy, we have no explanation for why her little heart stopped beating. She was perfect and everything was normal. I am now pregnant again and the further along I get, the more fear I have that the same thing could happen again. When you are ready to begin trying to conceive again, the women on this board will be here for you and I know some are active posters on TTCAL.You are right that no one should have to go through this, but I am so glad that I don't have to do it alone!

mrssoprano

Thank you for trusting us enough to share your story. I am so sorry about what happened to Liam. Though my story is a bit different, I know what it is like to not have any answers.

The quick version of my story is this: I had a perfectly normal pregnancy until we went in for our anatomy scan at almost 21 weeks and found out that our baby did not have a heartbeat. I was induced that day, and the following day I gave birth to my stillborn baby girl, Faith. I was able to hold her as long as I wanted to and the hospital took pictures of her. She was beautiful. I am now pregnant with what I pray is our rainbow baby. Being pg again is extremely scary, so I encourage you to wait until you are ready to try again.

I also encourage you to talk about your loss to someone in your "real" life, whether it is a therapist, a close friend, a support group, or all of the above. I am very glad you found this board. (((hugs)))

karebear57

Thank you for sharing your story. I am so sorry for the loss of your son Liam. I found out I lost our lil girl Brianna last yr the morning of my sister's wedding. We went for an add. u/s that am because at my last one they didn't get a clear picture of her heart. I was so excited to be able to see my little girl once again. As soon as the tech started we didn't hear a heartbeat. That was the worst day of my life. I was 25wks and they said I lost all my fluid and after I delivered her they also discovered I also had an asymptomatic infection. My md said it looked like I lost her a couple of wks before, probably during the time I didn't feel her move for a week. I did feel a couple of movements at the end of the week and braxton-hicks up until that am u/s. She was our only girl and she was gonna be our last, I wanted to stop by the time I turned 30 as we already have 3 older boys.We did an autopsy and she was perfectly healthy, it was me that did it.

I'm sorry for what happened to Liam. It had to be so scary to even see the doctors freak out. I'm very happy you found this board, these ladies have been such a lifesaver. I don't know where I'd be without them. Like you, the 6mon. hit me hard. (((hugs))) Again, I am very sorry for your loss of your son.

Carolee

I'm so sorry for the loss of your precious Liam, and I'm sorry that you find yourself here, but welcome.

I'm Carolee, and 26 months ago, we lost our son Eliott.  I woke up one morning (I was 37 weeks pregnant) and didn't feel him moving - this was abnormal so I was concerned.  I ate some cereal in hopes of getting him to move, but felt nothing.  I immediately called L&D and they told me to come in right away.  (DH had already gone to work, so I was alone).  I did, thinking the whole drive over there that I'd get in and he'd start moving all over the place and that I would feel so stupid for going in.  When I got there, I was taken to a triage room.  The nurse came in with the doppler and couldn't find his heartbeat.  I knew right then that he was gone.  The doctor was paged, and she came in with the ultrasound machine, and confirmed my worst fears.  That image of our son lying there is forever etched into my mind.  I remember screaming over and over again, and not being able to breathe.  Somehow, I managed to give them my mom's phone number and she came from work to be with me while DH rushed from work (he commutes by train so it took him several hours to get there).  I was induced that day, and almost 48 hours later, Eliott was born.  He was perfect, and we spent about 6 precious hours with him.  We also had an autopsy done, but were given no answers as to what caused his death - he was perfectly healthy.  I have since been diagnosed with several blood clotting disorders, and while no clot was ever found, it is possible that that somehow contributed.  I miss Eliott so much still, and I think about him every day.

Something to consider - I know you talked about sharing pictures.  Sadly, we have a lot of lurkers on this board and in some ways we're kind of the "Bump Zoo" - the sad club that no one wants to belong to.  If you're comfortable sharing Liam's pictures with us, please do, but I just wanted you to be aware of that.

careyalis

I am so sorry for your loss of Liam. My name is Carey and i am a scond grade teacher. I lost my daughter Avery this past February and I also live in KY. I'm in Louisville, so it's not too country

We found out at my anatomy scan that Avery would have some form of dwarfism, and two days later we learned that all signs were pointing to a fatal form. I was able to carry her until I went into labor in my 32nd week and she lived for an hour and a half. Through all the pain, I would take nothing back. Meeting my daughter, hearing her cry, and looking into her eyes were the most amazing moments of my life. 

Avery's condition was later confirmed as Thanatophoric "death seeking" Dysplasia. It is a 1 in 50,000 chance in every pregnancy, and we just happened to be the one.

I am currently pregnant with my rainbow which has been a roller coaster through every emotion. I have yet to change Avery's room even though this baby will need to use it.  

Welcome to the wonderful group that I wish had no need  to exist!

Gabgaps

Thank you all for the kind words and for sharing your stories. I am sorry we find to find ourselves here but I am glad there's someone out there who gets it.

Careyalis. I am in Louisville too!  Let me know if you want to get coffee one day.

careyalis

Gabgaps:

Thank you all for the kind words and for sharing your stories. I am sorry we find to find ourselves here but I am glad there's someone out there who gets it.

Careyalis. I am in Louisville too!  Let me know if you want to get coffee one day.

careyalis

Gabgaps:

Thank you all for the kind words and for sharing your stories. I am sorry we find to find ourselves here but I am glad there's someone out there who gets it.

Careyalis. I am in Louisville too!  Let me know if you want to get coffee one day.

careyalis

Gabgaps:

Thank you all for the kind words and for sharing your stories. I am sorry we find to find ourselves here but I am glad there's someone out there who gets it.

Careyalis. I am in Louisville too!  Let me know if you want to get coffee one day.

I would love too!