April 2013 Moms
mypalbabs
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Ask Me Anything: Lesbian Mom Edition
mypalbabs
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Do you have any questions for a home-inseminating, over 40, femme lesbian married to a butch partner who is carrying their baby? Ask me anything.
The word you're looking for is SEX. I promise. No, it's not gender. It's sex. You're welcome.
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Re: Ask Me Anything: Lesbian Mom Edition
// I love you too. //
As far as other Q's? Nothing comes to mind b/c I imagine you two will co-parent just like anyone else.
did ya'll have a specific donor? (do you personally know the father?)
What I do wonder is how you handle the incredulous people who are like, "WTF?" Or, have you ever been lectured by any holier-than-thou types?
I've been out for over 20 years, and honestly, I've never had anyone react badly to finding out I'm a lesbian. (If anyone was bothered, they played it super cool at the time!)
Just, what has been your experience, and how do/would you react to a situation when someone questions your lifestyle, choices, or morality?
First, the word "lifestyle" is often used to describe "the gays" and it bugs me. It's not a lifestyle, it's my life.
I think I'm strong enough in my belief system that I could stand up to anyone who wanted to give me grief. Because I'm an atheist, people's religious objections fall on deaf ears.
Does it hurt your feelings when people fail to see you for who you are and instead make snap judgments about you, or are you at a point where you just feel sorry for their ignorance?
Waiting for our Miracle Baby, Carly Marie, Due April 24, 2013!
Do you guys share a last name? If not, what's the baby's surname going to be? Great post!
We each kept our last names when we married for a couple of reasons. One, we do not live in a state where gay marriage is legal, so our ceremony was symbolic, not legally binding. If one of us were to change our name, we would not get to go through the simple and cheap process that many of you did when you took your spouse's name (if you did that). Instead, we'd have to go through the process that people trying to escape a sordid past have to go through - lots of court appearances and a ton of legal fees.
We briefly considered hyphenation, but our last names sound ridiculous together. Both strong, guttural German names. It would sound like we were trying to scare small children when we said it out loud.
Baby will have my last name, at my partner's request. (And because we're both women, I will have to do a second-parent adoption, which is not cheap.)
BTW - we're not all like that. I'm a Christian, and though there don't seem to be many of us, some of us are in support of gay marriage, equal rights, and embracing everyone with love. Just so you know. Cause frankly, a lot of "Christians" give the rest of us a bad, bad name.
Waiting for our Miracle Baby, Carly Marie, Due April 24, 2013!
Wow, it's nice to hear you haven't had any issues at all! I grew up in the Bible belt, so it's almost always a huge deal when someone comes out. Even when the religious types try to play it cool there's a lot of behind-closed-doors talking, it drives me nuts.
I honestly had no idea this was a bother. If it's any consolation, I didn't mean it that way, but I'll keep it in mind for the future.
// I love you too. //
How does health insurance work for you now that you are going to be a SAHM? ( I think you said that's the deal right? )
When I leave my job, I will go on my partner's insurance. Her company offers this as an benefit, which is great, however the OOP portion is post-tax, not pre-tax as it would be for a legally married couple. Being a lesbian is expensive.
As far as other Q's? Nothing comes to mind b/c I imagine you two will co-parent just like anyone else.
Exactly.
did ya'll have a specific donor? (do you personally know the father?)
Nope - unknown donor all the way. Used a commercial sperm bank. Sperm was delivered to our home each month frozen cryogenically.
I'm glad you have that option. But, hate that it seems like you get with a "lesbian penalty" w/the post-tax payment.
BFP #1: 08/17/2012 DD1 born 05/01/2013
BFP #2: 07/31/2015 M/C 09/23/2015 (11.5 weeks)
waves: hello, I've completely not ignorant, but could I get a little more on what "home-inseminating" means? "like a turkey baster" is probably enough detail. lol
We didn't do the turkey baster method because we wanted to increase our chances each cycle (sperm is expensive, yo).
Our midwife taught us how to do ICI, which is insemination directly into the cervix. (Not the same as IUI, where the sperm goes into the uterus - that's for professionals only.)
Basically we loaded the defrosted sperm into a syringe, attached a long, flexible catheter, and the sperm was deposited about a centimeter into my partner's cervix. I used a speculum and a headlamp to see what the heck was going on in there.
We relied on OPKs and CM to tell us when to do the inseminations.
Oops, I saw you already answered my question!
I think it is ridiculous that you have to pay to become the parent of your partner's child! Talk about discriminatory. Gah.
BFP #1: 08/17/2012 DD1 born 05/01/2013
BFP #2: 07/31/2015 M/C 09/23/2015 (11.5 weeks)
Do you live in a state where gay marriage is legal?
Sadly, no. Our state does recognize domestic partnerships, which we have, but that only grants you the right to be at your partner's bedside in a medical emergency (at a hospital), nothing more.
If not, do you have any sort of written agreement (like a pre-nup) regarding property division and custody (God forbid, anything happens to your marriage)?
We wrote our wills and powers of attorney at the time we were married. (Actually did this in a community education class!) We have a financial planner who made all of the necessary financial arrangements for coverage in the case of death. We have not addressed the issue of what would happen if the marriage dissolved.
We did the same. What bank did you use?
Does it hurt your feelings when people fail to see you for who you are and instead make snap judgments about you, or are you at a point where you just feel sorry for their ignorance?
Neither - this has honestly never happened to me, or my partner. And we are both "out" in all aspects of our lives. We hold hands in public. We dance together at the company Christmas party (badly, might I add).
Part of it may just be good luck, but I also think a big part of it is because we're so (for lack of a better word) normal. Typical Midwestern married people. We work hard. We participate in our community. We're kind to old people.
Oh I know. That part was regarding "anyone who wanted to give me grief", which you clearly do not
*law geek alert* In your state, are you automatically the legal parent of your partner's child, or do you have to go through a formal adoption process? Or, maybe I should ask, given that you're in the US, can you legally adopt your partner's child? I'm just curious.. I have always loved learning about family law.
In Minnesota, I will have to do a second-parent adoption. We're unlucky that it's even required, but lucky that it is legal. Get it?
Cryotec. It's local, so instead of paying exorbitant shipping fees each month, we payed a slightly less exorbitant courier fee.
Yes, being a lesbian parent has a lot of hidden expenses!
Nice! We used NW CryoBank in Washington. Shipping fees were insane each month.
We will be doing a second parent adoption too and I am already worrying about coming up with the money for that. Do you have to wait a time period before filing the adoption?
How did you two come to the decision about which one of you would become pregnant?
Easy peasy. I'm 42 and had a hysterectomy at 29 (fibroids + endomitriosis).
My partner is quite a bit younger (scandal!) and in excellent health.
Cougar. Meow!
*high five*
We will be doing a second parent adoption too and I am already worrying about coming up with the money for that. Do you have to wait a time period before filing the adoption?
Excellent question. I have no clue. We're still in the "holy sh7t I can't believe we did it" phase. We need to sort that out pretty soon. We still have some funds left over in what we fondly called "the sperm bank", so we'll use that for legal fees.
Do you live in an area with a large lgbt parenting cohort? Philly has a fair amount so it is typical here even though ss marriage isn't allowed.
I assume so, since the Twin Cities is super LGBTQ-friendly. Though I'll be honest - we're totally homebodies and don't get out much. Need to work on that.
total lolz
I'll insert a common question that people ask us all the time:
What will the baby call each of you?
Me - Mama
My partner - Papi
I get that! I've been avoiding making an appointment with the lawyer who handles the second parent adoptions. We've been told by friends who have used him that it will cost about $5,000 when it is said and done. Unfortunately, we are out of funds from what you all call "the sperm bank" (cute).
Did you always know you wanted kids (or did you swear at any time you WOULDN'T have kids)? This isn't really specific to lesbian couples, I'm just curious
* blog * first baby blog * baby 2.0 blog * twitter *
Did you always know you wanted kids (or did you swear at any time you WOULDN'T have kids)? This isn't really specific to lesbian couples, I'm just curious
Great question. My partner ALWAYS wanted kids. I NEVER wanted kids. It was the only thing we ever really disagreed about. Then one day (last January), I just sort of wrapped my head around it. Like a switch went off in my brain and I was on board. We started charting in February and began inseminations in March. Took five cycles to get one to stick. (Had two early chemical pregnancies - March cycle and April cycle.)
It's mind-boggling that it will cost that much when there is no third party that needs to give up his "rights" to the child. But that's the approximate sum we've heard as well.
This was a great post! I don't really have any questions, but I feel a little more educated reading all of yours! I have a weird emotional GIRL POWER moment going on! Effing hormones!
That's awesome.
Speaking of "girl power", nearly everyone assumes we'd prefer a girl child. Not true, we're truly excited about either possibility.
I could not agree more!
I'm also a Christian and also extremely pro gay marriage, rights, etc. I hate that Christianity has such a bad name in regards to this stuff. "Just lest not be judged."
I'm in the Twin Cities too! I work downtown.
I sincerely hope that the "VOTE NO" campaign works on election day. I absolutely adore MN / Mpls and am absolutely embarrassed that this is even on the ballot. :-(
i had my question answered already but all the other info is very interesing. and i'm totally having this too! lol