How do I tell DH... long

Lena122

How do I tell DH that I think he acts more like a babysitter than a parent? Just typing the words makes me feel bad and I know he'd be angry with me for saying them aloud to him.

DH takes care of Baby 4 days a week while I'm at work because he works evening shifts. So he's the only parent with him for a significant amount of his waking time. But he doesn't take any initiative or interest in DS's eating habits and usually only puts him down to nap when he's so overtired that its nearly impossible for him to fall asleep. If I don't set out food in the morning DH will forget to feed him. He's fine with giving bottles but for some reason he can't get a handle on feeding DS solids even though he's been eating them for 2 months.

As far as I can tell based on what I see when I come home from work and for lunch breaks, DH confines DS to a 8x10 foot part of the living room with some toys and goes on the computer or watches TV while DS crawls around trying to eacape. Not to say that he neglects DS but he doesn't really get down and play with him.

I just feel like DH is there to keep him alive during the day. I think the issue is that DH is not a "baby person" and that once DS is older things will be different. But given the fact that the 2 of them are alone together 4 days a week, I feel like DH needs to step up and not just be a babysitter. When I'm home with DS I'm almost constantly down on the floor playing with him, I take the time to put him down for naps on a schedule, I FEED him when he's supposed to eat...

Am I asking too much of DH? Should I cut him some slack? How do I talk to him about my concerns without making him feel like a bad dad?

jmccall79

Men's perspective, a lot of times, are completely different than ours, when it comes to child rearing.  If he does at least interact with him a little, and he is "taking care of him" I'd cut him a 'little' slack but just say to him that it does concern you a little that he doesn't really interact with him.  As for setting out the food, or clothes, or whatever you may have to do with that, I'd say that would be somewhat 'normal'...guys just don't think abou those things. Not that it's an excuse for him to not do anything by any means.  Just try to approach it with an "I'm concerned" stand point as opposed to "telling him what to do" stand point.  Good luck.

kristin172429

I don't think you can tell him that, not in that way.  I think you need to take a completely different approach.  Your DH might not even be thinking of what he should be doing.  He's just doing what he is comfortable with.  Here's what I would do:

Come up with a "schedule" for DS and stick it on the fridge (when he should eat, nap, playtime, etc).  You can tell him how you learned that keeping the schedule is really important based on everything you've read and you would really like to try this.  Could he try it when he is watching DS?

Then, to get him to play with DS, find some great games/developmental activities that you and he can do with DS.  Make a chart or put together a box or something.  Talk to DH about how you want to make sure DS is doing something developmentally every day and could he pick one or two things to do with him while he's home.

I think if you approach it by what he is not doing, he'll get defensive.  If you approach it as new things that you want BOTH of you to do with him, he might get on board. 

sooner1981

kristin172429:

I don't think you can tell him that, not in that way.  I think you need to take a completely different approach.  Your DH might not even be thinking of what he should be doing.  He's just doing what he is comfortable with.  Here's what I would do:

Come up with a "schedule" for DS and stick it on the fridge (when he should eat, nap, playtime, etc).  You can tell him how you learned that keeping the schedule is really important based on everything you've read and you would really like to try this.  Could he try it when he is watching DS?

Then, to get him to play with DS, find some great games/developmental activities that you and he can do with DS.  Make a chart or put together a box or something.  Talk to DH about how you want to make sure DS is doing something developmentally every day and could he pick one or two things to do with him while he's home.

I think if you approach it by what he is not doing, he'll get defensive.  If you approach it as new things that you want BOTH of you to do with him, he might get on board. 

 

To me, if you want to move away from the "babysitter" model, you would definitely want to shy away from planning every minute of their time together--the schedule is something I would leave with a babysitter, not with my DH. 

But I do like the idea of talking with your DH about games he could play with your son.  My DH and I get emails every day from a website called www.productiveparenting.com.  You can sign up for free and you get one fun game to play with your child each day, based on how old your child is.  They tell you the game, and what important lessons that game teaches your child.  We definitely don't do them all, but we have seen some that we would never have thought of that our daughter loves! 

ALane1128

kristin172429:

I don't think you can tell him that, not in that way.  I think you need to take a completely different approach.  Your DH might not even be thinking of what he should be doing.  He's just doing what he is comfortable with.  Here's what I would do:

Come up with a "schedule" for DS and stick it on the fridge (when he should eat, nap, playtime, etc).  You can tell him how you learned that keeping the schedule is really important based on everything you've read and you would really like to try this.  Could he try it when he is watching DS?

Then, to get him to play with DS, find some great games/developmental activities that you and he can do with DS.  Make a chart or put together a box or something.  Talk to DH about how you want to make sure DS is doing something developmentally every day and could he pick one or two things to do with him while he's home.

I think if you approach it by what he is not doing, he'll get defensive.  If you approach it as new things that you want BOTH of you to do with him, he might get on board. 

 

This. Exactly this. My DH gets really defensive if I tell him what he's doing wrong. I always have to go about it different ways. I also wrote out a very detailed schedule and put it on the fridge, in the living room and in Jacksons room. After that, he doesn't text/call me all the time with questions and he's still on the same schedule when I get home. GL 

ALane1128

Oh and the schedule isn't just for DH, it's for anyone who comes over and babysits. 

pinkshades05

...he sounds just like me I keep Nat confined to an area, sit with her and watch TV/bump on the computer, sometimes forget to feed her solids during the day until dinner time...it could just be his personality! Just my perspective.

kristin172429

sooner1981:

kristin172429:

Come up with a "schedule" for DS and stick it on the fridge (when he should eat, nap, playtime, etc).  You can tell him how you learned that keeping the schedule is really important based on everything you've read and you would really like to try this.  Could he try it when he is watching DS?

To me, if you want to move away from the "babysitter" model, you would definitely want to shy away from planning every minute of their time together--the schedule is something I would leave with a babysitter, not with my DH. 

Just to clarify - the schedule isn't for intended to be just for DH on how he should spend his time.  It is more of a "hey, let's write down roughly when we want to do things for DS so we have it"  It shouldn't be presented as "here is what YOU should do" it is more of a "hey, can WE follow this schedule for DS?  I learned that schedules are important for him.  I thought we could give it a try" - it doesn't matter that OP has been following this schedule in her head for months now...it is just a way to make DH actually see it and be more aware of it.

Jen0204

kristin172429:

sooner1981:

kristin172429:

Come up with a "schedule" for DS and stick it on the fridge (when he should eat, nap, playtime, etc).  You can tell him how you learned that keeping the schedule is really important based on everything you've read and you would really like to try this.  Could he try it when he is watching DS?

To me, if you want to move away from the "babysitter" model, you would definitely want to shy away from planning every minute of their time together--the schedule is something I would leave with a babysitter, not with my DH. 

Just to clarify - the schedule isn't for intended to be just for DH on how he should spend his time.  It is more of a "hey, let's write down roughly when we want to do things for DS so we have it"  It shouldn't be presented as "here is what YOU should do" it is more of a "hey, can WE follow this schedule for DS?  I learned that schedules are important for him.  I thought we could give it a try" - it doesn't matter that OP has been following this schedule in her head for months now...it is just a way to make DH actually see it and be more aware of it.

I agree with the schedule.  I think - when done right - the schedule can give him a lot of freedom.  For example, you could put things like "breakfast solids" and "play time", which gives him an idea of what he should be doing and when, but also gives him the freedom to decide what to feed him, or what play time should be.  And seeing nap time twice a day - which he could translate to being his free time - might help make him feel like there's time to play with the baby and do his stuff.

I don't at all condone his behavior and I would be pissed too, but I saw something similar with my BIL and he LOVES that his son is on such a set schedule now.  Before he seemed kind of lost and always waited for my sister to tell him what he should do and when, but now at 13 months he has a pretty set routine and it's easy to stick to.  He knows when he eats, what he eats, when bath time is, etc.  The structure made him feel much more comfortable, and - more importantly - much more confident.

Amberrrr

Sometimes I have to do this with my DS because I have so much homework.. (which i should be doing right now....)

I am not much help as far as advice goes. But I'm beginning to think it's just normal guy behavior. My DH has only given my LO a bath one time, in the last 7 months.. Even though I tell him to all the time. He's only fed him solids a few times I can count on one hand, and it didn't even really count cause LO didn't eat it. Also, a lot of times when I ask him to 'play' with LO to keep him busy so I can either study or have some time to myself, he seems to think that means 'put him in his exersaucer and watch t.v.'...

I've confronted him about it multiple times, it's never changed, and he's always gotten pissy with me.

Just sayin... : sorry.

ETA: I feel bad for saying this now. I'm sorry for venting in your advice post. I think maybe, he will soon just get it himself... Everything should eventually just fall into place. I don't know, I really do think this is pretty normal behavior though. I think the writing down a schedule is a good idea, and I think when I'm gone I'm going to use that idea as well. Tell your H what LO likes and doesn't like as a way to suggest him what to do and what not to do. Sometimes, when I want my H to do something with LO, I say to him "Adam would love for you to ______", and that usually works.

Jen0204

Amberrrr:

Sometimes I have to do this with my DS because I have so much homework.. (which i should be doing right now....)

I am not much help as far as advice goes. But I'm beginning to think it's just normal guy behavior. My DH has only given my LO a bath one time, in the last 7 months.. Even though I tell him to all the time. He's only fed him solids a few times I can count on one hand, and it didn't even really count cause LO didn't eat it. Also, a lot of times when I ask him to 'play' with LO to keep him busy so I can either study or have some time to myself, he seems to think that means 'put him in his exersaucer and watch t.v.'...

I've confronted him about it multiple times, it's never changed, and he's always gotten pissy with me.

Just sayin... : sorry.

I personally wouldn't accept that kind of cop out.  There are parts of having kids that are monotonous and not fun.  Bath time can be fun, but sometimes they scream.  Sometimes feedings go well, sometimes they blow raspberries and it all ends up on my clothes.  Diaper changes, bottles, getting up in the middle of the night, all things that aren't fun, but they're part of parenting.  I don't understand the sentiment of "this is how men are, but they'll be better once the baby stage is over".  Why should the women be expected to do the hard stuff and let the dads sweep in and be the fun ones when the kids are older? 

And once they start doing it they'll see the little things they were missing all along - like the girls going from being scared of the baths to splashing around and having a blast, or how they're starting to feed themselves finger foods and get excited about eating, or how while daddy was playing on the computer they let go and stood on their own (not that my H isn't helpful, just examples).  For as much as it can be exhausting it's also amazing to see them grow and become little people right before our eyes.

Amberrrr

Jen, I really couldn't agree with you more.

Maybe, we just need to point out to our H's that this time is precious, and they should be around as much as possible to interact and everything, while the moment lasts- regardless of how tired they are! These are moments that will go away so fast, before we even know it....

kristin172429

I just wanted to come back and add that even though more interaction and play with your DH would be awesome, don't forget that babies are at an age where exploring is key to their development.  It is actually better for them to be able to have some "alone time" to explore their world and the things around them independently.  So, even though DH may be closing him into a space, some time like that each day can be beneficial for development.  It also develops his ability to play independently (which is a great skill for kids to have!).   When you approach this issue, however you decide to do it, don't try to eliminate all the time that DS plays on his own.  It's good for him.

megahof

kristin172429:

sooner1981:

kristin172429:

Come up with a "schedule" for DS and stick it on the fridge (when he should eat, nap, playtime, etc).  You can tell him how you learned that keeping the schedule is really important based on everything you've read and you would really like to try this.  Could he try it when he is watching DS?

To me, if you want to move away from the "babysitter" model, you would definitely want to shy away from planning every minute of their time together--the schedule is something I would leave with a babysitter, not with my DH. 

Just to clarify - the schedule isn't for intended to be just for DH on how he should spend his time.  It is more of a "hey, let's write down roughly when we want to do things for DS so we have it"  It shouldn't be presented as "here is what YOU should do" it is more of a "hey, can WE follow this schedule for DS?  I learned that schedules are important for him.  I thought we could give it a try" - it doesn't matter that OP has been following this schedule in her head for months now...it is just a way to make DH actually see it and be more aware of it.

I kind of did this today with Hubster. When I got home from work, they were playing on the floor, and I asked if he had given her solids for dinner. He hadn't, so I suggested that we feed her together, since I like to give her solids right before bath time. He had never actually fed her solids before, and he didn't know that that was part of our routine. He got really excited when Sophie just lunged towards the spoon. I'm hoping that now he knows, and that when he has her the 3 days I'm at work, he'll make that part of his routine, too.

Lena122

I appreciate all of your input ladies!

I think a schedule is a great idea although I'm not sure how well DH would stick to it. I've had DS's feeding routine up on our fridge for about 2 weeks and he still manages to forget to feed him.

But I like the idea of suggesting specific activities and maybe I just need to let up a bit and let DH do his thing. Like I said he's a good dad and he's completely capable. He's just not as involved in DS's development as I am and I need to learn to accept that.

I knew I could count on you guys to give me some perspective!